Should I follow my heart?

reply to post by phishyblankwaters

1) No talking to a girl online isnt cheating but what you are doing IS because you are thinking about this other woman in a lustful way and you are even thinking about leaving your wife for her.

2) yes I would give up everything for love except my spouse. That is just wrong.

I think you should forget about this other woman. I know this sounds very cold but since she is battling cancer, i just dont think your relationship with her will end very well, and then what? you will have nobody not your wife and not the woman you left your wife for. Maybe there would be more spark in your marriage if you both were more focused on each other. But right now all her energy is going into wondering if you are cheating and all of your energy is going into (i know you will disagree with this) sabotaging your marriage and trying to be with this other woman. I think you would be much happier if you spent your energy on trying to make your marriage work. Act like you did when your relationship was new, be romantic.

You describe what a perfect marriage should look like after 12 years. There are so many people out there who would give anything to have what you have.
I have the feeling that if you go through with this you are going to be far more lonely than you are now.

reply to post by hhcore



Resources aren't an issue, I could be there tomorrow if I wanted, but I need to be self sufficient. I'm well aware of the medical situation there, my mother lived in the US for a few years, and this woman actually works in the healthcare field.

I know the job situation is tight there, lucky for me the sectors I'm trained in are actually growing.

Anyways, I think I need to clear something up. This marriage failed before it started, and I think the only thing keeping me there these past years was the fact that I don't want to hurt my wife, obviously I already am, but I don't want you people to think everything was fine and I met someone and all this happened.

I have spent the last years trying to make this work, talking about the problems, explaining what was going wrong and how I thought we should fix it. That's all it amounts to, talk. There hasn't been a romantic aspect for quite sometime, she wasn't interested, I stopped trying because it hurts too much.

My wife and I were right for each other when we met, I'll never regret our relationship, I only regret dragging it on when we should have just parted ways. I stopped being able to make her happy a long time ago, and she stopped making me happy around the same time.

I think you would be much happier if you spent your energy on trying to make your marriage work. Act like you did when your relationship was new, be romantic.

Maybe I am trying to sabotage it. Maybe I do want my cake and want to eat it to. But don't assume I didn't try. I spent some of the best years of my life trying. I spent my twenties trying, going the distance. you can only beat yourself up so much before you beat yourself down. She lost interest in me long before I lost interest in her. I never confronted her about it, but I know she had a fling with a guy, dunno how far it went, but that was the beginning of the end.

It really came in spurts, bouts of depression, then days where I just tried to go all out. It's hard to be with someone that doesn't really want to be with you, she says she does, but she sure doesn't show it well. So yes, I can empathize with what she is feeling right now, I've been there for several years. i'm not faking anything with her, we haven't been romantic or physical in sometime and she knows why, I told her.

In fact, the last time we discussed that part was valentines day. The day where I spent my whole work day planning a big night, spent 2 hours drawing her the cutest freaking valentine ever, she came home to roses, a candle lit dinner and soft music and presents. What did she do for me you ask? Nothing, didn't even say thank you, no valentine, passed out at 8pm. So when we had our customary argument I said to her mid discussion.

"you know how I can tell the difference between you wanted to get physical and not?"
"How"
"you fall alseep if you don't want to"

How can I possibly spend anymore time with someone who is quite obviously not sexually attracted to me anymore? I shouldn't have to convince my wife of 12 years to show me a little attention and affection.

My wife knows about this other woman, but not the extent of the relationship. We've already discussed separation, she doesn't know there is a possibility of me leaving the country for awhile.
I was going to leave either way, but meeting someone else kinda gave me that final push, it put air back into my lungs. I really can't put it into words but anyone who's gone through something similar might understand me, the past few years, I'm just an empty husk, a shell.

i'm not leaving my wife for this other woman, i'm leaving my wife for myself. the fact that I found someone I've connected with just gives me a goal. Maybe it won't work out, but I refuse to spend the rest of my life regretting not trying. Nothing is set in stone, but we are determined to try. there is also the possibility of, after her treatment, her moving here. She's well off, to say the least, and has nothing pegging her down where she is. Her meds would be insanely cheaper here, my medical plan would cover 80% of dental and optical. She'd get way more bang for her buck in cannuckistan, and she's already planning on moving to Maine at some point, which is only another few hours from where I'm at.

Maybe the cancer will be too much to treat this time, maybe she won't make it.

If I've learned anything from my screwed up life and everything I've watched slip away, I've learned that I'd rather spend the few months I could with someone I was meant to find, than walk away.

Someone asked how I'd feel if my wife had a similar post somewhere. I pondered that for awhile. I'm sure on some level, I'd be hurt, just like her, because of the deception. But I wouldn't be surprised, and in fact, it would make this situation easier if I knew she already found someone.

This isn't some rash decision, this is something that has been festering for some time.

I do feel for my wife, I hate causing her the pain. But what's worse, me leaving, or staying but only being half there? I've stayed this long, through all this crap, because it was easier and I'm fairly weak willed. A good friend, one of the few I still have that I can talk to, related how her marriage failed in a similar manner. She called it the long goodbye.

We both know it has to end, neither of us are strong enough to swallow that. She has a great group of friends and a strong close knit family, she has a support network.

I think what is going to happen now is a separation, I'll move out and start making a life for myself, if things pan out with the other woman great, if not, I've still got a friend for life that shares my heart and brain. I'm not going to pull that up and disappear or leave a note crap, we've already talked and cried it out.

thanks again for all the input, including the honesty, much appreciated from you all.

phishy,

I've seen you around ATS, and you always have sound logical comments. I respect your mind. I have been wanting to have the time to sit down and write out a long meaningful post, but life had me caught up. I now have that time.

I can so relate to what you are feeling. I've felt the same, and I acted upon it. I left my wife after six sexless years, for an internet woman. (To tell the story here would be derailment. I'll make another thread.)

You MUST follow your heart, after you are able to cast aside the moral obligations society tells you to tend to. Don't give yourself a guilt trip. Do it. You'll find yourself in a whirlwind free-for-all, totally uprooted
from the stagnation that you have been dwelling in, and in return, will find yourself SO INVIGORATED that you feel as if you can handle anything. It's within everyone to find happiness, and if (this is my advice), at any point in your life you realize you are truly not happy, move on. Life is a journey, not a trap. You, and only you, can decide that.

To give a teaser to the results you will get if you are brave enough.........

I learned so much more about the world around me, and it broadened my world view. I met new people, interacted, and went on adventures that I WILL RETAIN as long as I live. I stepped outside my comfort zone, and got a viewpoint from others I never knew existed. I felt alive.

Before you step, think about never looking back. Then go.

My X went to his g/f 1/2 his age after 30 years of marriage. It has been 5 years and it was all for the best because he gave up on us so can't have a partnership without 2 people both participating. Decide how much you want to hurt the person and at least take responsibility for that.

reply to post by calstorm

You describe what a perfect marriage should look like after 12 years. There are so many people out there who would give anything to have what you have. I have the feeling that if you go through with this you are going to be far more lonely than you are now.

I get the feeling that you assume everything is great and fine other than the fact that I've met someone else. The marriage has obviously failed, this happened actually before we even got married. One of us has fooled themselves into thinking that, after this many years, we are obligated to trying to make it work.

A perfect marriage shouldn't be devoid of romance from BOTH sides. The only reason I have any affection to give elsewhere is the fact that I'm not receiving any at home. THAT situation has been a topic of discussion for some time. going around in circles, essentially wasting each others time, is NOT a perfect marriage.

I watched my parents split up YEARS after they should have.

But I have to agree with your last statement, I will probably end up more alone later than I feel now, but you know what, at least I won't be wasting my wifes time. She is young, attractive, and firmly on a good path in life, she will not have trouble finding someone she can shower with affection, it just doesn't appear to be me anymore, and hasn't for a long time.

The only reason I stayed was I can't bare to hurt her anymore than I already have, but I see now, staying when my heart is no longer in it is the same, if not worse, than stringing her alone and actually sleeping with this other woman on the side.

reply to post by Druid42


Thanks for that. It's funny, I already feel invigorated, finally coming to terms with the fact that this relationship has to end, for the sake of both my wife and I, has freed something inside me. The few people around me have been sick to death of me lately, I'm not normally "up" I'd be at the low end of bi-polar as my par setting.

Before you step, think about never looking back. Then go.

And that is exactly where I'm at now. The selfish part of me wants to ensure I can survive on my own, so I've got to make preparations so my wife can't drain the accounts or anything silly. I'm not taking anything with me, when I do leave, be it to a new place here or further away. All of our possessions minus the 1 guitar I'll take, will be hers to keep, sell, burn, whatever. I'm not asking for a 50/50 split, I'm taking nothing. In fact, if I stay in province and keep my job, I'd still cover my half of the expenses including the car for a few months.

But I can't just walk away, I have to make sure my wife can cope. Like I said, she knows it's bad, but has convinced herself because we put rings on, that we have to stick it out, forever, even if that means me sleeping on the couch for the rest of my life. This won't be an easy transition for her.

reply to post by DawnMarie

My X went to his g/f 1/2 his age after 30 years of marriage. It has been 5 years and it was all for the best because he gave up on us so can't have a partnership without 2 people both participating. Decide how much you want to hurt the person and at least take responsibility for that.

I'm sorry that happened to you, but as you said, you can't have a relationship if both parties aren't putting their all into it. It's not fair to either one.

Really, I don't want to hurt her at all and I guess that's why I'm on here talking this out instead of just coming 100% clean with her. I was going to leave either way, but figured it's better to be unhappy than alone. Well, I don't feel that way anymore.

reply to post by phishyblankwaters


Plan well, then, my friend, and may life give you the love you are craving.

Life without love is not life, it's merely existing. For anyone to exist without love is to deny themselves a life. Keep us updated.