Coping with loss, need help

My father was diagnosed with cancer when I was 18. I dropped out of college so I could be home and spend time with him. Over the course of a year he went through so much pain; I can hardly even fathom how he put up with it. The cancer was spreading through his entire body, and the chemotherapy made his pain so much worse. the chemo was doing nothing and at that point and It was quite evident they just wanted to squeeze more money out of us. Other treatments were never offered. My dad didn't look the same anymore. He looked like he had been starved and sick for a very long time, and he could hardly speak or walk. Almost every time he would try to eat or even drink water he would throw it up. It was a miracle he survived as long as he did. I would watch him sitting outside just staring into the distance, wondering what he was thinking. It was heartbreaking, and we could barely do anything to help him except keep him company.
I was 19 when I lost my father. Its been 8 months since then, and I still feel as terrible as the day he died..
He didn't say a single thing that day except "I love you guys." 5 minutes later, he was gone. We had to watch him die, and it was prolonged and awful. He was such a good father and husband, and he did not deserve to be in so much pain. My father was my best friend, and I would give anything in the world to see him again. Anything.

I still haven't recovered, and some things still disturb me. Too many things are screwed up.
To make matters worse, my whole family wasnt on good terms before he was diagnosed(bad financial situation). We would argue and say hurtful things to each other, and now they are coming back to me. I feel guilty.
All I can do is think of my own mortality, how painful my own death might be, and I feel completely unmotivated to do anything, although I am trying.
I think of how much pain he went through for such an extended period of time, and I wonder how could that happen to anyone? Who the # deserves that? I think about how there are people all over the world suffering..
I think about how selfish our friends were when we needed them the most. Where did all the good people go?
Has humanity lost all sense of empathy? I am angry.
I wonder if there is existence beyond this life, and I hope to God my dad is still out there somewhere.

The only thing that gets me through the day is the thought that when I do die, all this pain will be gone and I may be able to see him again.
Sometimes I feel completely hopeless, which is why I'm posting this.

I guess my question is, have any of you lost someone very close to you? How do you cope?
Have any of you gotten messages from your deceased loved ones?

Greetings brother/sister.

I know your pain. I lost my father on Dec 21, 2010. I was 21. He had colon cancer that metastatized to his lungs, pancreas, liver, heart and bones. I watched him suffocate to death, after 8 months of suffering the awful side effects of chemo and heartache of knowing his own mortality.

I just want to say, don't lose hope, don't lose your motivation. After his death I gained quite a bit of weight and wasn't able to motivate myself to go back to school for the longest time. Just want to say to hold out, don't lose faith in humanity. I still haven't managed to cry much yet, even after such a long time. It still hasn't fully hit me, but it hurts from time to time.

I've been coping the best I can by working out and keeping busy...I work a busy job and work out 5-7 times a week, including P90x. Helps keep me in good health, even though I know it doesn't matter.

If you want to chat more, feel free to shoot me a message...I know what its like to be in your situation.

reply to post by humanityisawful


Dear humanityisawful,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my father five years ago from chemotherapy, he had been a great father and put me through college. I was fortunate that I was able to care for him and be there with him when he passed away. Hard to watch; but, I at least knew that I had been there for him as he had been there for me. I was in my 40s and that doesn't make it easier.

I guess my question is, have any of you lost someone very close to you? How do you cope? Have any of you gotten messages from your deceased loved ones?

It may sound silly; but, time does make it easier. I used to take my father to Vegas once a month and after he died, if I was in one of his favorite casinos I would look for him or expect to see him at certain machines or sitting in certain places that he liked. I don't feel that anymore. I still miss him; but, he would not want me to grieve forever. The best way to cope is by being you and taking what you learned from him and using it in a way that would be honoring to him.

I wish you peace and hope that you find it return to your life. While I believe in God and that our sentience continues, wanting people to continue is not the reason I believe it and before you can honestly look at such things you still have to accept the fact that you will not see your father. Acceptance is the beginning of healing. Make your life meaningful to you and that will be a tribute to your father. Peace.

you are coping now... but you are carrying this around with you.

Grief is like a heavy bag we carry around with us all the time. Over time, the bag gets lighter but it is still there.

I have lost Family members, best friends, People I loved. My feelings don't change whenever I think of them. I still feel a deepness in my chest (that is the best way I can describe it) I am never too far away from crying but that feeling is there but others too. Other memories where I find myself smiling or having a giggle.

Those memories take a little longer to push to the front but it does eventually happen. The best advice I could give you is pull out all your photo albums and look through them... you will end up laughing and crying at the same time but it is somehow helpful. I was given a pic of my Step Dad, the same one that was used for the funeral. I do not have it up in my house. I have other pictures of us when we were 'living' in whatever moment.

I look at the pics everyday and I say Goodmorning. Might sound crazy but it has a happiness to it rather than have a pic of him or others that relates to their death.


I was in a wedding and this is a pic of us my Mum took. He is proud but as usual I am being stupid.

As for guilt from things that have been said or done when your own Father was dying... you have to let that go. People say a lot of things they don't mean when they are going through stressful times.

I reckon your Siblings would also be feeling terrible... so don't be so hard on yourself and allow yourself to be however you are whenever you are.

hugs

Life can sometimes feel cruel and unjust, especially in situations when we lose those we love the most. The emotional pain can cause us to question our reason for living, alienate us from friends and family, and even challenge our personal spiritual and/or religious beliefs. We all cope with these challenges in different ways, and while the pain does subside over time, in many/most cases it persist indefinitely. All we can do is learn to cope with our losses, and eventually move forward with our lives.

As a mother of two boys, I yearned for many years for a daughter to complete my family. I was eventually blessed with her, but due to birth related complications, she passed on at the age of 3 months. Our time was limited, but we had a bond between mother and daughter that can't be described. The loss was absolutely devastating, but with the help of my husband I managed to move forward. I dedicated my professional career as a medical doctor (specializing in, or all things, pediatric surgery) to helping other children, so that other families would be spared the agony that I endured.

It took a few years to adjust, but even though the pain subsided, it was (and still is) there. One day I returned home, only to find my husband, age 41, dead from a massive heart attack. He was a health freak, didn't smoke, didn't drink, and worked out everyday to stay at 100%. Ironically he died while working out. Having finally turned the corner recovering from the loss of my daughter, the loss of my husband just caused me to relapse. I dealt with all the pain all over again, but this time without the support of my soul mate. Time has passed, and I still miss him dearly, but I've found strength in my resolve and commitment to helping families find happiness.

About a year and a half ago I began to experience several health related problems, and was eventually diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. Due to existing health factors I knew that I wasn't a good candidate for many treatments, and I've since had to sacrifice my professional career due to it. As my situation has worsened, I've lost my faith in a just and loving god, and I've been forced to come to terms with the challenges that continue to manifest. Continuing to move forward is EXTREMELY challenging at times, but life goes on.

My wish for you is to find happiness and peace within yourself. Dedicate yourself to make the world a better place, and relish the time that you have to enact positive change,

I lost almost every family member by my early 20's, and the truth is time. I am in my 30's now. There is no quick fix, and the longer you put off deep grieving, the longer it stays. Let your self feel, let it hurt. I found that songs that expressed how I felt were very healing and just music in general. Find a hobby that you can immerse your self in when it gets to be to much.
The pain will always be there but eventually it will be overshadowed by new things in your life.

You never get over it. It never gets "better"...but it does get easier. Remember the good times.

reply to post by ~Vixen~


omg Vixen...that was heartbreaking to read.

hugs

Thanks guys, I feel better. Really nice of you all to take the time to reply
I want to reply to all of these, so I'll try.

Holodomor, I'm sorry to hear you lost your father the same way. Its good to keep busy, but I think the reality of it will eventually come to us over time and allow us to grieve. Losing somebody in this world seems like a hard concept to grasp when it actually happens to us. Sometimes, I feel like I'm in a dream.

Vixen, your story is very moving, and I feel for you. You are incredibly strong, and that gives me strength.I too feel that because these things happen to people, there must not be a just and loving God; but just remember that the answer might be more complex than a God, or anything we could comprehend before death. Thank you for your kind words, and I hope that you have reached inner peace yourself. Stay strong.

Thurisaz, that picture gave me a good laugh. Your father was a good sport!
You are right about grief, it literally does feel like we are carrying a big bag around.
I'll try looking through some photos with my father..I've been afraid to until now, it just hurts so much to know those times are gone.I guess the guilt comes from hoping that I demonstrated to him how much he meant to me.

Aquestion
I'm sorry you lost your father, and no being older does not make it easier.Chemo is more of a killer than cancer, IMO. Its funny you said "The best way to cope is by being you and taking what you learned from him and using it in a way that would be honoring to him." I plan on doing just that.
My father taught me how to play piano, drums, and write music. He built me a recording studio to inspire me to write. Now I'm moving to Scotland to go to a university and study music. My goal is a career in film score.This is all because of my dad. As much as I want to believe in the afterlife, the reason I believe in it is because it makes sense to me. Living out a long miserable life on earth just to die and not exist at all doesn't make much sense to me.

Calstorm
Its sad to hear you lost so many at such an earlier age, but I'm glad you're doing ok.
Music is pretty awesome, isn't it? Its like a form of meditation

reply to post by humanityisawful


If I were with you, I would hug you, because I feel your pain. I recently had a death of a family member who had severe dementia. I took care of her and watched her deteriorate mentally, until she didn't even know her name..... Her husband died 2 years prior to that. So yeah.....it did the same thing to me. I watched them both work so hard to get their home the way they wanted, and get "set" in life....and then POOF they were gone. Just like that. It made me start thinking about my own mortality, and I get pretty depressed when I think of it too much. BUT.....it also made me realize I need to cherish EVERY day. Don't waste your life thinking of dying. Think of LIVING.....do everything you want to do.....sometimes I think, to hell with working my ass off to accumulate STUFF...I'm just going to get a camper and travel the country! Who knows, I may do that one day. But the point I'm making is, though I know it's hard, get out and do what you love.....follow your passions wherever they lie....and LIVE. We have no choice about death, but we CAN choose how we live. I will keep you in my heart, and I hope that you can heal or at least feel better hon.....Peace be with you and you're not alone dealing with this......

Originally posted by StealthyKat
reply to post by humanityisawful

 

If I were with you, I would hug you, because I feel your pain. I recently had a death of a family member who had severe dementia. I took care of her and watched her deteriorate mentally, until she didn't even know her name..... Her husband died 2 years prior to that. So yeah.....it did the same thing to me. I watched them both work so hard to get their home the way they wanted, and get "set" in life....and then POOF they were gone. Just like that. It made me start thinking about my own mortality, and I get pretty depressed when I think of it too much. BUT.....it also made me realize I need to cherish EVERY day. Don't waste your life thinking of dying. Think of LIVING.....do everything you want to do.....sometimes I think, to hell with working my ass off to accumulate STUFF...I'm just going to get a camper and travel the country! Who knows, I may do that one day. But the point I'm making is, though I know it's hard, get out and do what you love.....follow your passions wherever they lie....and LIVE. We have no choice about death, but we CAN choose how we live. I will keep you in my heart, and I hope that you can heal or at least feel better hon.....Peace be with you and you're not alone dealing with this......

edit on 3/24/2012 by StealthyKat because: (no reason given)

edit on 3/24/2012 by StealthyKat because: (no reason given)

Thanks Kat. That is the one good thing that comes out of death; realizing how important it is to live. Ill try my best to keep moving forward, and I have you in my heart as well.I find traveling to be much more fulfilling than owning stuff, I hope you get that camper soon.

I lost my Father and many others close to me. I completely understand how you feel. Just remember that he wouldn't want you to be sad. I feel that life after this one is in a better place and I am sure he is at peace. Take one day at a time honey. I wish you the strength and courage to carry on. Big Hug!

reply to post by humanityisawful


So do I.....wanna come with me? Seriously though.....any time you feel down, just U2U me ok? I'm on here a lot during the day (I work most nights) I hope your heart heals, (at least as much as it can). It will get better with time. I'll let you know when I get that camper! ((((((hugs)))))))

Originally posted by StealthyKat
reply to post by humanityisawful

 

So do I.....wanna come with me?

Seriously though.....any time you feel down, just U2U me ok? I'm on here a lot during the day (I work most nights) I hope your heart heals, (at least as much as it can). It will get better with time. I'll let you know when I get that camper! ((((((hugs)))))))

edit on 3/24/2012 by StealthyKat because: (no reason given)

Road trip! Thank you, I will keep that in mind. The same goes for you. Sometimes we need someone to talk to and its hard to find people that know how you feel or at least care.

reply to post by humanityisawful


That's the truth....and I'll have you laughing in no time!