You Control Your Emotions, Not Others

reply to post by Balkan


Hello Balkan.

You make some great points. But I am not alluding to anyone becoming emotionless or detached.

Have you seen people that get overly angry and outraged for the most mundane of reasons nearly everyday?
Have you seen people get emo and depressed about everything nearly all the time?

Any situation that comes up, these people who lack emotional understanding use it as an excuse to act out. "I'm so sad because of this, this, and this." "I'm so angry because of this, this, and this."

Rejection of emotions is not what I support. Rather, understanding each emotion... contemplating the cause and source of each emotion... being mindful of how we feel and why we feel... and ultimately, being able to choose how to feel.

We allow others to control our emotional state for many reasons. But by doing so, we are forfeitting our free will and our self-empowerment.

reply to post by AnIntellectualRedneck


By tyranny and injustice I am referring to the infringement of the free will of others. Beyond infringing upon another's free will, all else is our own responsibility of our emotions.

We can easily recognize tyranny and injustice without becoming angry over it. I am calm, yet I recognize if others are not truly free, than neither am I, and I must strive to keep peace in myself, resolve conflict peacefully, and help others find their bliss.

Originally posted by Sahabi

Originally posted by gosseyn
reply to post by Sahabi

 

Let's define "positive" and "negative" now !

Positive: Peace, Harmony

Negative: Conflict, Chaos

Your answer reminds me of a bit of dialogue in the video game "Icewind Dale" that i have been playing recently. There are followers of a certain god that thinks that conflict is everywhere and that we shouldn't try to avoid it, because conflict is how life thrives and because conflict allows for the universe to even exist in the current form because of all the forces in conflict with each other. After the non-playable character finishes his speech, you are given a choice of answers in reaction of those beliefs. One of the choices was "No, you are completely crazy, conflict is not part of us, i completely disagree with you". Then the NPC responds "you have just proven my point, you idiot" then he leaves. That bit made me laugh and i stayed there for 1 minute, with a smile on my face, watching the screen, realizing what a fool i had just been.

What i want to say with that anecdote, is that there are "good" conflicts, conflicts that can make you realize some things, sometime. We can find bits of wisdom when we are confronted with other ideas. I think that perfect balance is death. I am saying that the nature of conflict itself is not an "evil" thing, but there are some forms of conflict and some outcomes that we should try to avoid.

No...the actions of others DO sometimes cause me anger.
For a little background - I run a full time computer repair service from home.
I told this one particular lady to come by on Sat morning to pick her computer up. Be there sometime around
8am I told her. I figured on sleeping till 7:45 or so.
She called me at 6:45am on Sat and wanted to know if 8am was still a good time.
I told her yes, groggily. She asked about some other software on her computer and I told her I would check.
She called me back at 7:15am and asked if it was ready. I told her yes, she said she was on her way.
7:45am she calls me and tells me that she won't be able to make it in that early because she had somewhere to be, and she should have thought of that the day before.
So....I got up early, on a weekend, which is an extreme rarity FOR NOTHING.
I was upset.

Zen masters are especially good at creating moments of conflict and confusion in a passive way, usually through koans or absurd tasks. In those moments, the student will either realize a great truth through satori, or come away with nothing.

There's one koan in particular that reminds me of that. A student asked his master how he could obtain enlightenment. The master gave the student a chicken and an empty bottle, and told him to put the chicken in the bottle while it was still alive, and to return to him in the morning for the answer. Morning comes, the student returns and sets the chicken and the bottle in front of the master.

The student said he tried and couldn't, and was about to get up and leave, when the master suddenly clapped his hands together and shouted, "There, it's in!"

reply to post by sykickvision


Is that her fault? Perhaps something suddenly came up. Understandably you wanted some rest on your day off, however, blaming her for being angry is like blaming the wind for upsetting you when it blows your hat off.

reply to post by ManjushriPrajna


Thank you very much ManjushriPrajna for your insights and contributions to this thread. Your words regarding emotions ring true. No matter what, we always can have the free will to choose how to feel. Even under oppression or facing death, there is always choice. It is a reflection of our liberation and freedom if we mindfully choose, or allow our emotions to control us.

Sorry my friend, but I've never been a fan of koans. Honestly, I never have understood any of them. Parables, such as the ones attributed to Jesus, speak to me on multiple layers. I guess my approach is more 'to the point' and blunt without all of the confusion and dancing around concepts. If you are willing, perhaps you could explain a koan or two for my own understanding.

Thanks again. May Peace be with you.

reply to post by Sahabi


A koan is not supposed to be understood. A koan is used to stop the mind so that you can experience and sense the no mind state.

All emotion and all thought appear within the emptiness of no mind, when the true you is known it matters not what appears. You are peace and stillness. A koan is similar to meditation in that it introduces you to yourself.

tv, junk food, made up entities, and a compulsion to always fit in control my emotions!
nah, just kidding

This is half-true as a malfunctioning brain operates similar to a malfunctioning computer - barely.

Likewise it's a lot harder to fix software issues on a PC with hardware problems, and thus external therapies are needed for some individuals to help them choose their emotions more wisely.

Originally posted by Viking9019
Not true.People have effects on you that determine how you feel.

Is this some of that 'new age' tosh?

edit on 26/1/12 by Viking9019 because: (no reason given)

Emotions have been with us for as long as we've had sentience, and people have been working on understanding human emotions for centuries. There is nothing 'New Age' about this concept.

We are responsible for our own emotions. When we understand this, we begin to understand the fundamentals of these emotions. When we understand emotions, we can then choose how to feel and why to feel.

Blaming others for our own emotional state is irresponsible, immature, and ignorant. I am not saying that you are irresponsible, immature, or ignorant. Ignoring our own emotional responsibilities to place blame elsewhere does not benefit you, me, or mankind.

Originally posted by CoherentlyConfused
It's true.
Only you can make you mad. I tell my kids that all the time.

Very wonderful that you are teaching your children such personal responsibility! I've found that the best way to challenge my understanding and free will of my emotions is through interaction with those who are the closest to me.

Originally posted by smithjustinb

Originally posted by Sahabi
reply to post by smithjustinb

 

Hi there.

How long and consistently can we stay motivated about anything?

For the same amount of time as you stay consistently emotionally positive.

Hey there smithjustinb. Nice of you to join in

It is my opinion that 'motivation' is temporary, whereas 'understanding' is long-term. What do you think?

You can't be positive all the time it makes no sense. To appreciate when you feel positively, you have to have experienced negativity to compare it with. You shouldn't deny negative emotions, they are just a part of life as positive. The trick is not to get caught up in those negative emotions and try to work out whats making you feel that way.

Originally posted by Benevolent Heretic
My husband and I learned a long time ago that saying "you make me feel... " is just worthless. Learning to own your feelings is a hard process, but it can be done! And it's SO empowering! I still get angry but I KNOW it's my choice to be angry about something. It makes it a LOT easier to release it and move on.

I have been doing this for so long, it's the default. It's habit. I can't even imagine living in a world where my emotional state is at the mercy of other people's judgments and actions! Ugh! What a powerless and out-of-control way to live.

So right and so true!
When we truly know that we can choose our emotions instead of allowing them to control us, life becomes much simpler and beautiful. We reestablish control of our life and can better utilize our free will.

"You make me feel...." is no longer a valid excuse or argument for emotional instability. It does take some dedication to remember the choice is ours, but it does become natural. Peace

Originally posted by Sahabi

Originally posted by smithjustinb

Originally posted by Sahabi
reply to post by smithjustinb

 

Hi there.

How long and consistently can we stay motivated about anything?

For the same amount of time as you stay consistently emotionally positive.

Hey there smithjustinb. Nice of you to join in

It is my opinion that 'motivation' is temporary, whereas 'understanding' is long-term. What do you think?

I think, for the human, both are usually temporary. Laziness and distractions stop both.

reply to post by woodwardjnr


That's somewhat the point.

The dividing line, however, is between Western and Eastern philosophies. In Western, happiness and anger are normal emotions that can be either positive or negative depending on the context. In Eastern, emotions are seen as a possible hindrance to obtaining separateness from the worldly and thus making steps towards Nirvana. That isn't to say we are meant to be cold, hollow creatures. But we must understand that emotions are just one of movements acts in this wonderful symphony of life. If we are to be free from the traps that worldliness has to offer, we must remain unmoved by emotions. Otherwise, who is to say happiness is always good? One can be joyful they got a new car, but when it breaks down, joy turns to disappointment and anger.

Be happy, or be angry, but be these with the right things, and do not let them cause your mind to dither.

As for koans, I could explain one or two koans, but it would be missing the point entirely. Koans, riddles, jokes. They're all basically the same thing. Jokes, for instance, are either funny to you or they're not. If somebody has to explain a joke to you, it's not really funny in the end.

reply to post by woodwardjnr


Hello woodwardjnr.

You are absolutely correct! All of our emotions serve purpose in our lives. I am not promoting the suppression of emotions. Simply, I am expressing that we ultimately are responsible for our emotions, and with this understanding we can then have the choice to choose how we feel and why we feel.

"So-and-so makes me feel this way," is the type of mentality that is false. No one 'makes' us feel any way... we allow ourselves to feel how we feel.

Also, I am not suggesting that we must be happy 24/7 while rejecting other emotions. Simply, the understanding, responsibility, and control of our emotions can alleviate us from unnecessary conflict brought about by irresponsible emotional states. Heck, even Jesus and Buddha got upset!

Everyone in this discussion so far is missing out on an important aspect of emotions, which is how they effect other people.

Originally posted by Sahabi
Have you seen people that get overly angry and outraged for the most mundane of reasons nearly everyday?
Have you seen people get emo and depressed about everything nearly all the time?

Any situation that comes up, these people who lack emotional understanding use it as an excuse to act out. "I'm so sad because of this, this, and this." "I'm so angry because of this, this, and this."

Those people aren't abusing those emotions because they lack emotional understanding. They understand perfectly what they are doing, even if only subconsciously. Strong emotions you exhibit change the way other people behave. When people abuse a single emotion all the time, it's because they are familiar with exactly how it forces other people to behave. It's an attempt to gain control over the situation.

In my studies of how to control lucid dreams, I discovered emotions were a very powerful tool. Strong emotion affect everything in the dream. If I got angry in the dream, the dream characters would become aggressive and combatant. Turns out one of the best way to control dream characters is by using emotions like a care bear. Confidence in particular is a great all purpose emotion for dream control.

Then I noticed that the same thing was happening in the real world. Anyone exhibiting strong emotions would just completely change the behavior of everyone around them. Who's really in control? Most people assume they have free will, but I don't see it. Free will is something you have to be aware of and choose to use. If you aren't in control of your emotions, then someone else could potentially control them. If I can dictate your behavior by what emotions I display, then how are you any different than the mindless characters that populate my dreams?

The more intense the emotions, the more effect they have on people. For instance I woke up one morning, and for some reason I felt fantastic. Better than I'd ever felt before, king of the wold, like I could do anything. It was a super intense emotion that I had never felt the like of before. So I left for work, and at the bus stop, everyone just stared at me. On the bus, every single person on that bus was staring at me. I'm talking turned around backwards in their seats, mouths literally hanging open, and just outright staring in amazement. Normally, this would be weird, but I felt so good it didn't even phase me. Oddly enough, it was only strangers I had this effect on, my family and coworkers who knew me didn't detect anything amiss.

Learning to control your emotions is a useful tool for influencing situation. I've used several times to stop fights from happening. I can put you in control of the situation and is subtle enough so that nobody will know what you're doing.