Barack Husein Obama II Speech - Apples (fictional parody)

Mods please move this if required.

This is a fictional speech I've written from the point of view of Barack Obama and is purely for entertainment purposes. It is parody, and nothing more. Enjoy!
　
Barack Husein Obama II Speech (Apples)

Hello Citizens,

I like apples. I must confess I enjoy the heck outta them. I love it when I bite into an apple and it snaps in one sharp crunching sound and my mouth fills with juices. Apples are so delicious. Both sweet and tart, my mouth waters just thinking about it. There is a man on the internet who really likes apples. I'm not going to say he likes apples more than me however. I've especially been enjoying apples over the last 3 years of my life. I've been blessed with the Presidency of the United States of America, and all during this time I have suffered not a single apple shortage. The apples have been a staple, a companion even, during this time in my life. In my mini-fridge, on my desk, and in Air Force One there are always apples. I even have an apple app for my smart phone, the app app.

I remember my first apple as President. It was a red delicious apple. I had just been inaugurated and was sitting at my desk for the first time. In front of me on my desk was a sheet where I had written down a list of all my campaign promises to reflect upon. And my celebratory red delicious apple. As I was basking in the glow of my Presidential future to be, the apple tilted its face as if to look at me, its beautiful red sheen drawing me in to an inner place where my mouth watered and watered. "Choose," I heard in a commanding yet somehow cute voice. "I'm sorry?" I said aloud. The apple bounced on my desk, and then my campaign promises shivered in place, "Choose." It was the apple. The apple was talking to me. I must admit I was a little bit confused and it was in my confusion that I panicked and actually reached to the apple for comfort. Snap! The juices of the apple and my saliva were finally together, it felt just like my first time, maybe even better. It was like a dream. I became lost in the near infinite cascade of flavour and pleasure. I began to devour the apple more and more ravenously until there was one big juicy last bite left on the core in my hand. "Good choice." I had forgotten about the choice. What was it? Just then before my very eyes my campaign promises went up in smoke. I have not been able to remember a single promise I made to get into office to this day, even when shown video of my speeches and rallies, the promises are gone from my mind as quick as they can appear. It was little of concern to me, I was still President and I had unprecedented access to apples.

Shortly after having been inaugurated I was meeting with the Nobel Society. I was hosting in the Oval Office. These people are extremely nice, I remember thinking. As my mind wandered from the conversation I remembered my new stash of Granny Smith apples that had been delivered just before the Nobel Society arrived. "Ladies and Gentlemen if you'll excuse me I'll be right back with a snack for us all," I waited for a break in conversation so as not to appear rude, even though by the time I said anything I could barely get my words out through all the saliva I was drooling into my mouth. "Oh my the leader of the free world is fetching us a snack!" I heard one exclaim. "He is so very considerate, far beyond polite," I heard another from the other room. I returned with a Granny Smith for each of them and one for myself. "Ooh these look good." "Well lets eat them!' I said. "I bet they taste good too - I've only just received them and have yet to try one myself." Snap! Bite! Munch! Crunch! Apples went off all around the room. "Oh my!" "The juices..." "Divine!" This is what being President is all about, I thought. "President Obama thank you for sharing your snack with us, that was so very thoughtful and the apples were so very delicious, if only there was some sort of way we could honour you..." Another spoke up, "To think that the leader of the free world would himself fetch some of his own very delicious apples to share with us while we are meeting with him is nearly unbelievable. I thought I had seen it all, but think takes the cake! Show of hands, who thinks we give this man the Nobel Peace Prize?" All the hands went up and I could again taste the Granny Smith I had just finished all on my tongue. So tart, so sweet.

Another of my stand-out memories includes when I came under fire for not being an American citizen. For me, this was troubling. I did not see this coming as frankly, I don't remember where I was born. I cannot individually corroborate the positions either way on this one. My first childhood memories were of Hawaii before moving to Indonesia for four years, and then back to Hawaii. This gave me a good opportunity to lead by example. You see, I had been ensuring the safety of American citizens in any ways I could think of. One of those methods was a sharp increase in the stringency of the requirements necessary to obtain a United States ID card. Now I had an opportunity to show people that I am willing to play by my own rules! This opportunity seemed as delicious as is the genetically engineered 'grapple,' the apple that tastes like grapes. They even look a little more purple than they ought. I sometimes lose myself just thinking about them, slightly away from the other apples in the grocery stores in their very own four-pack looking just as natural as anything else there. I remember the day I paused my game of brickbreaker, placed an order for grapples on my app app, and decided to get to the bottom of this birth certificate deal. My staff were able to within 10 minutes show me a digital copy of my birth certificate. Determined to earn my grapples I set about verifying this document. Hmmm, the hospital name on the certificate didn't exist until I was about 9, it's the correct hospital but it had a different name when I was born there. Spurred on, I began looking at newspaper and hospital records from the time and place of my birth and I noticed something else. I was born around the same time a pair of twins was born. Shortly after birth one of the twins died unfortunately. This caught my attention as I couldn't help but wonder if the living twin ever learned that their sibling didn't make it, and if this person felt guilty or lucky or indifference even. The deceased twin received an obituary and was named by the family. But there was no birth certificate for this person. I found that odd and I also found it odd how closely my own birth certificate was filed to the living twin. We were born at similar times at the same place, but I was seeing something here I didn't entirely like.

(continued)

So I contacted the FBI and the CIA and they informed me that everything had been manipulated before I was ever aware of the issue. I was informed that I will never know for certain where I was born and that was part of how this operation had to work. Only digital copies of my birth certificate will ever be presented in court, in any legal manner, and publicly, I was told, even though I had set the precedent to end this practice. The digital copies will always have obvious flaws, they continued, detectable by the public. They ordered me to invest zero personal stock in this issue and not to worry about it. They then said something I will never forget, "You could be a genetic clone of an Egyptian Pharaoh and neither you nor the public would ever know." It was then that my grapples arrived. Understandably upset and vulnerable, I ate all four grapples at once. By the end of this delicious symphony of nature and science, their mysteriously calculated taste had made me feel good enough to move on personally from the issue of my own birth place. Which I myself concluded was actually Hawaii and that there was a psyop going on that I was not to concern myself with. Any time I am bothered by this in the slightest, I reach for a nice, cold, refreshing grapple.

I remember a very interesting visit to the Federal Reserve as President, my first time deep inside one. It's actually a bit of a labyrinth with reinforced walls and occasional doors with either armed security who cleared you, or some piece of technology to clear you, or both. After winding our way through the central bank I believed we were in the middle in a small room with a some 5 gallon buckets spread about. One was full of pennies, one nickels, one had dimes, there was one for quarters. The next one I saw was full of all kinds of apples? Sometimes the President's access allows me to witness strange and bizarre things. I was confused but somewhat accustomed to this by this point in my career so I moved on to investigate the other buckets. 1's 5's 10's 20's 50's 100's 1000's there was a bucket for each kind of dollar bill and a small ice cream pail at the side of the 1000's contained 10000 dollar bills. "I have a couple questions," I said. "We thought you might so why don't I just get get started," the chairman took the lead, "Each bucket has a never-ending supply. Say we need more 20's for circulation, well it's actually for other reasons we 'print' this money, but for more 20's we just take the bucket of 20's and turn it upside down over a giant funnel. 20's endlessly fall and the bottom of the funnel leads to a machine which sorts and bundles the bills and arranges them on pallets. When we have enough money we turn the bucket right side up and gravity seems to keep the money from continuing to fly out. Whatever the reason the flow stops when the bucket is right side up" I was stunned. "That's very hard to believe," I said bluntly. "We'll show you," I followed and indeed these buckets did work as had been explained to me. We went back to the room and I started to ask how the buckets worked when I was cut off before I could speak, "Very few people on this planet know how these buckets work, Mr President, just understand that they do and they are the means by which we are able to manage the national and global economies." More above top secret stuff, but I still had one pressing question.

(continued)

"Why the hell is this bucket full of apples?" I had to wait for some enthusiastic laughter to subside before the chairman answered, "All of our 1 dollar coins wound up coming back to us and all the Federal Reserve banks' basements are full of these things. People don't like them. The 1 dollar coin bucket had become useless but we decided to try to accomplish an unprecedented achievement for mankind and make one of the money buckets produce something other than money. It took the collected efforts of the Large Hadron Collider, CERN, Stephen Hawking, and the sacrifice of four brave promising scientists over two years to solve the problem. We chose apples mostly arbitrarily, it could have been anything but you are currently President and famous for loving apples so we went with apples. Thanks to Stephen Hawking's participation in this project, the single bucket produces every kind of apple, even the grapple." My head was spinning. Part of me wanted to turn that bucket upside right then and there and try to eat my way out of this room as it eternally filled with apples, but another part of me was putting something else together. "Do you mean to tell me that our currency is, in a way right now, or could be at a moment's notice, backed with apples? Have we technically switched from a fiat currency to the days of the Apple Standard?" "Yes, but we don't really care, this was just-" "You don't care!" I cut him off I didn't want to hear his silly explanation. "This is amazing, an endless supply of delicious food and you don't see the value in it? This might be better than gold! Has anyone told Ron Paul?" "Sir, this goes over your head in terms of authority but that is not how we are managing this economy. We sell the apples for top dollar only. We get our money back and it is an amazing way for us to cook our books." "You, as the central bank, are using the apples to launder money and to cheat the worldwide economy and keep us ahead as a nation?" "Yes Mr President, and it also helps keep the majority of our people at home subdued economically as well." They could see that this had become a very hard day for me in the last few minutes and one of them handed me a fruit basket. "Go ahead Mr President, fill your basket. There are no worms or herbicides and pesticides - well except in the grapples which produce their own herbicides and pesticides from instructions placed into their DNA - each apple is a masterpiece of its own potential." I filled my fruit basket and left the Federal Reserve.

I cried in my limo. I'll admit this. I cried for two reasons actually. I cried thinking of the potential for personal satisfaction I knew I could never experience. I knew I would never get an opportunity in my own private time to combine my love for apples with that bucket. It's just as well as I could already envision my love for apples corrupted and accelerated into a fiendish lust that could only end with my very life. And I cried knowing such a valuable commodity would never be allowed to be appreciated for how truly abundant it is.

On another day during my Presidency Moammar Gaddhafi of Libya skyped me out of the blue. I wasn't busy at the time so I accepted his non-scheduled conversation. He began right away, "Hey Barack I have decided to back my currency in gold, by making a currency out of gold! Do you want to buy some so we can continue to trade oil? I am only going to sell my country's oil in these gold dinars so you may want some, plus it's pretty cool. I mean check it out, new money! How often does a leader get to enjoy that? Plus it is going to end so much poverty and suffering in Africa. I am going to build my entire continent up to modern competitive standards with this decision!" I was happy for my friend, "That's great Moammar! Congratulations on your impending success and really nice job keeping peace in your region and even beyond. You are doing wonderfully maintaining delicate balance over there. Can I send you some apples to show my appreciation?" I asked.

(continued)

I did not expect what was to happen next. "Apples?" Maommar seemed to drop the word out of his mouth, it was somewhat quiet and plain but so tense I got a shiver. "You want to send me some apples for bringing a continent into the 21st century? I HATE APPLES!" He screamed off the skype screen to somebody else and an apple flew into his hands. He backed up so I could see everything on his webcam. He held the apple to the camera, enraged, and deliberately set it on the floor. I could feel a shift in my judegement as I saw how his eyes burned and burned with disdain for this apple. He let out a yell and stomped the apple in what seemed an instant with his combat boot. As the apple exploded under his will I couldn't help but think that it was one of my children he was stomping to pieces. He stomped a few more times on the splat imprint and then relaxed into a satisfied and proud stance. I was furious to a point I had never experienced before. I was furious to the point of euphoria. We stared into our webcams and Moammar appeared satisfied with the silence now expanding between us. Suddenly, with the fury of a lion, I spit out word after word detailing how I would erase Moammar, all his family, and all his achievements from history forever including his future achievement with his gold dinar. I threw my laptop into the fireplace, made one phone to US Central Command in Doha, Qatar where they pulled up the appropriate up to date contingency files, and 2 hours later revolution was headed to Libya. The next day a new central bank and foreign oil council had been set up for the 'rebels.' I cried into a Macintosh apple while telling it I would never stomp on it with a muddy combat boot. Never.

You might be wondering why I would tell the American people about the apple bucket? I mean I could tell that story at any moment and it would never be believed. But it's true. And now the worst has happened. At noon today I was notified that our apple bucket has been stolen from the United States Federal Reserve by Iranian insurgents. Things couldn't be more serious for America. Iran has stolen the apple bucket, and intelligence reports it is likely already in Iran and Iran is threatening to reveal this at any moment now. Iran wishes make their currency the world's reserve currency with the backing power of endless apples, replacing the United States dollar as the global reserve currency. But there's a big problem with this plan of theirs. That apple bucket is property of the US Federal Reserve and Iran stole it. This is an injustice and as of this moment, United States war operations have begun in Iran. Be strong America. We must prevent Iran from having Apples of Mass Production.

Thank You and God Bless

Friday Jan 13 2012 330 pm ET

Won´t want to be rude and say i want those 10 minutes of my life back. (but i do)
Star for effort though.

Timely bump. After all that rhetoric, you need some humour America. And hey, I just got some when I saw that I am spelling humour wrong.