YWC: between sunrise and night

I did not want to become pregnant. I was simply careless. I assumed it was not that big of a deal, my BF and I had already picked out the names for our children. If it happened then we would cross that bridge in time. So as I stood in the bathroom staring at a bright pink line and the bright pink line stared back at me, the bathroom surrounding me slipped away into nothingness and I found myself in an empty dark cavern where a distant voice was echoing ever louder and louder, "you're ruining in my life, your ruining my life" 

In an instant I blinked and found myself in the living room staring at vomit on the very expensive rug that belonged to our landlord. Somewhere curled up on a sofa was my BF. my eyes flashed past him on my way to the kitchen. I cleaned up the mess but the echoes never went away entirely. Over the next few months they became so loud and aggressive I left. I went to my fathers house. 

My father lived on private property that stretched for miles in all directions. It was surrounded by nothing but forest on one side and a lake on the other. There was a huge gate as an entrance to the property and only our family had the key to enter. Once you past through the gate there was a long dirt road that winded through the woods with a steep decline twisting its way down into a "hollow". Nestled in this hollow was my dads place. 

When I was pregnant I had terrible dreams, and the oppressive humid air of the south in the summer did not help. One morning I awoke drenched in sweat, gasping for air as if something had shoved a pillow over my face. I jumped out of bed and went outside on the back porch to breathe fresher air. The sun was spreading its first rays over the hollow and the hummingbirds were buzzing at the feeders on the porch. 

My dads car was gone. He woke up in the dark to make his 2 hour commute into his job in the city. There were no jobs to be had in the small forgotten towns nearby. I was alone. 

I was alone.

 Never had i felt so alone in my whole life. Alone with nothing but a reminder of all my mistakes, all my arrogance, all my naïveté. There was no one to save me....no one could turn back time. No knight on a white horse to rescue me and my unwanted child. I had done the unthinkable--I created a human....without even thinking at all. 

The sun began to drip down in front of me, rays fell on my soaked white cotton nightgown.  The air became wet and the sun fixed it's rays on me like a laser beam, I sat down on the steps and hid my head from the glare. Shame swept over me, wave after wave of emotion pounded my heart. I felt my temples pulsing....blood boiled under my skin and I couldn't bare another moment of exposure. I ran. 

I flew down the dirt road as if Satan himself were after my soul. The dust kicked up all around me but I ran for my life, something was coming fast behind me....I choked on the dust, but I ran for my life. Escape was my only hope, my only solution. The sun followed me like a beacon, shining in every direction until I thought I'd catch fire. I saw shadow out the corner of my eye, I changed course and ran toward the shadow of the woods. 

The forest was thick and wild and green with undergrowth. It was cool with shade and heavy with the scent of a million organisms blooming and growing. The aroma of damp wood enticed me and the soft soil kissed my dry aching feet. I could breathe here. The trees welcomed me with outstretched arms and I felt enclosed by bramble and vine. There was no haughty sun to look down in judgement upon me here. 

I wondered aimlessly admiring the woods, until I realized peeking through the tender branches the sun was above me and I could not escape. I fell down and asked if all of this was meant to be? Had I truly made a mistake? If this was a mistake I wanted proof. I spoke aloud and there was no answer, only the stillness in my heart and the distant rustling in the forest bed of creatures small and meek. There were no answers, there was no god, there was no path, there was nothing but my mistake and as I picked myself up only sorrow and regret filled my heart. I had failed my child before it was even born. I had abandoned it to a life without a father and the whole world would forever judge me for it. I had played god and created with no thought of consequence. I was doomed to carry that burden alone. The burden weighed on me with every step I took deeper into the woods, as the trees guided me along I felt swept by the branches until I came to a large creek. 

The water looked cool and clean. I held on to trees and roots as I made my way down to the waters edge. The creek sparkled in the sunlight and the grasses and mud surrounded me until I found my feet squishing the muddy bank water between my toes. Hot, sweating and thirsty I did not resist wadding in further until my calves were under water. I felt things move around me, bits of wood, more grasses, small fish perhaps. I went out further and watched the ripples dance in the light of the sun. The longer I stood the more I became aware of the sweat pouring down on me and the sun forever hanging over me so I dove into the water and came up, refreshed and calm. I floated on my back with my eyes closed. The cool moisture mingled with my sweat and I felt the warmth surround me like a womb. something tickled my leg, then my back, my arms....something pulled at my hair. 

I jerked myself up and stood still. The water kept moving, twisting, flowing, around me was movement. The light danced off the water as more ripples were sent out in different directions. The beauty of the snakes was mesmerizing and as I watched in silence the perfect ritual unfold, I thought everything is indeed as nature would have it. Suddenly a thin branch came to the surface and a jaw opened wide. A pure white blossom sprang forth and closed under another ripple. The snakes were curled around each other, knotted and twisting. I looked toward the bank and knew I was a uninvited guest, an intruder who was not welcome as another tuft of white flashed in the corner of my eye. 

My feet began moving, slowly wadding toward the bank, with every step I became more aware of how desperate my situation was. I thought about how much poision it would take to kill me, how long it would take the venom to affect me, how deep I was in the woods, how I had no clue which way was home, even if I made it home, the ambulance would take forever to get there and they did not have the key to get them through the gate. I felt the squish of mudd and looked down to see my toes. my heart was racing ahead of my mind and my feet were scrambling up the creek bed, hands grasping on roots, branches, I held on to a trunk and propelled myself up to the edge of the creek bed. The trees breathed around me and I drifted away. 

Continued....

.......

The itch was unbearable, my neck was on fire, I woke up clawing my neck, blood on my nails. My first thought was the venom....until i saw leaves of familiar green around me. Of all places to pass out near a patch of poison ivy was the worst for me. I pulled myself up, stepped as lightly as possible and went toward the trunk of a large tree. I leaned up against it, cradling my stomach with my left arm, using my right arm to rest my forehead on. I saw my once white nightgown covered in mud, twigs, dirt, grass stains and I saw my feet. And I breathed. The trees around me whispered the proof I had been so desperate for, but I did not hear them, only the sound of birds and the buzz of insects.  My toes dug into the mossy ground and took root, I felt something coming up from deep inside me and tears streamed down my eyes splashing on the caked mudd of my feet. 

The whispers of the forest became an echo that I still can hear to this day when I am quiet and still. I knew at that moment I was meant to be there just as much as the oak, the cottonmouth or the creek. My child was meant to be there, as long as my heart kept beating. I was not alone and the same thing that guided me into the woods, was the same thing that led me into the water and it was the same thing that led me out of the water....It was the same thing that guided me into a warm soft bed on a very cold night in feburary, where neither my bf or I felt like trudging out into the snow for a condom.  



I went into the forest lost and alone but as the sun faded into twillight and twillight dwindled into dusk I came down the dirt road and a thousand bright shining stars welcomed my return. 

inspirational thread, i too have had a meaningful experience in a forest where it has become evident to me just how meaningful and inter-connected about everything is
my experience was not quite as dramatic as yours unfortunately or possibly luckily, the snake part did seem quite desperate and helpless but must have been a good lesson anyhow
while i was in the forest i did eventually gain quite the feeling of being tuned in with nature, once i realized it too it seemed like things must always be very connected you just have to concentrate to feel just how synchronized nature is
i also noticed the sound of the little critters fade away eventually to hear what i can only describe as synchronistic melodies of nature, as if there was a vibration that not only the animals and trees were singing to but my thoughts were following it as well
you said you heard the trees whisper? what were they whispering?

ps. best of luck to you and your child i am sure that you can show it a great life with love

reply to post by trust_no_one


Thank you for taking the time to read all of that. I am happy you could relate to it. The forest is a great metaphor for life I think.....the forest IS life, right? Life in a very uncorrupted form that many people no longer experience sadly.

The story I told was embellished a bit for dramatic effect, however I did wander off in the woods, I did swim out into a creek and I did stumble upon some snakes. I was pregnant and I was very alone.

The truth of the matter is I think I went into the woods to die that day. Subconsciously I could not live with my "mistake" and I hoped that something would happen....I was testing fate. But I came out of the woods knowing I was meant to be alive, and my child was meant to be alive.....that was what the trees echoed to me....that was my secret.

I believe just like the snakes all life is intertwined, all life feeds off life and every day I am here breathing I am grateful for.

This story is my version of "stopping by the woods" by Robert Frost, if you know that poem, you know what I mean.

reply to post by trust_no_one


If you do not mind me asking what was your experience in the woods?