Hello, intro by a battle mode closet tranny...

Hello folks,
I have always been on ATS and decided to join,

Im 33, live in the states, am into all the topics here including ufos, mysticism, conspiracies, etc.

Big thing for me is that I battle with wanting to be a women. Have been battling this since being a wee lad. Have even taken hormones off and on and dress up in girls clothes.

However I just can't take this anymore..... Half of the time I like being a guy and would want to stay that way. The other half of the time the urge is overwhelming to switch genders. Its been so bad that I have contemplated suicide and wish I could be left alone and live a normal life.

So I came on here to get some advice. The counselors and psychologists have all been shmucks and their advice has sucked. I have pretty much seen as my only option 1 of 2 things:
1. Is to end myself for my miseries
or
2. (which I have been leaning more towards) Is to find some sort of escape in ego death ala buddhism/mysticism. I fantasize about reaching a permanent state of no 'I' in the picture and seeing all desires (including this feminine one) as empty shells.

However, working full time and being wrapped up in the modern world, media, women all around me (more envy to be one than to be with one) I got bombarded by this desire to be one. Its almost as if something is attached to me that keeps feeding me these strong desires to change into fem.

Anyway, glad to be here and looking forward to getting some advice on how to win this battle.

ATS and You guys all ROCK!!!!!

reply to post by soon2beaher

Welcome to ATS!

Your not in the closet anymore, at least online anyway!
All the best to you and I hope that ATS Members will get to know you and I hope that you share your life story so that we may all relate to your situation and be a little more educated.

First of I think I'm as little a fan of psychiatrists as you are, with good reasons! So that is clearly not an option. Yes they have years of training, but if it's not helping don't bother with them!

I'm wondering, since you didn't mention it in your post, do you know any other transexuals? Maybe they can give you insight that a psychiatrist just can't?

Suicide is never an option, just a cowards way out. Stay strong, be yourself and love!

Unfortunately, you have to find the guts to come out of the closet if you want to retain some quality of life. You have to find an outlet even though it will initially be part time. There's no easy way.
If you can't find the guts to do this I can't see you finding the guts to end it all - just think of the fun you'd miss!

Half of you it sounds is male and the other half female hence, you have to live your life that way if you want any kind of release. It may change later but initially you have to step through that door and live that other half. It's the only way to reach any kind of decision about your lifestyle.

Check out online for any support groups in your area - there will be others who will befriend you and support you ie places to change etc.

You don't say if your married or mention anything about your friends or family situation and that's you business entirely but you have taken a step already.

Good luck - and ending it isn't the answer and you know it isn't. What you mean by ending it is escaping it - but you can't escape the inevitable - you just have to face up to it.

reply to post by soon2beaher


Hiya, welcome
I'll be honest with you, I have only ever known one transsexual, a male (more my sisters friend really) who for reasons best known to himself, decided to move away and cut contact with all of his old friends and family when he started the process of becoming a woman so I never knew if it changed his life for the better.
Personally I joke all the time that in the next life ( If I have to come back here) I will make sure i'm a man. This is mainly due to envy at being able to pee standing up - anywhere, leaving the house ready for the day 2 minutes after waking up and a lifelong battle with an horrendous menstrual cycle!
I can't imagine how confusing it must be to feel at times that you belong to both the male and female gendres.
If you don't mind me asking - Were you implying there that these feelings may not be your own but are being impressed on you some how?

reply to post by soon2beaher


Welcome to ATS.

Hopefully you won't run into too many ignorant A-Butt's that'll judge you.

Never be ashamed of yourself.

Go with the "flow" and do what feels right!

Oh and thanks for actually posting an Intro, most new members don't.

Good on you, Do whatever your heart truly desires.

Suicide should never be an option. At least get you sexy little ass out there first and have some fun being a woman or even a man.

You will work it out.