The Unwanted [WTB]

This will be my first post on ATS and I probably wont make many friends because of it and that is fine. I have not had many friends in my life. I have been wanting to rant about this for a long time. Longer than you can imagine.
Everything I have to say are not easy things to say or admit.

Nothing in this world has influenced my life in a bad way more than the word 'unwanted'.
It is a word that can make my blood boil and put me on the edge of spontaneous combustion.
This word has a way of making me feel an anger I could not possibly put into words.
Consequently I have taken from this bad influence a changed perspective of the world and grown from it after a lot of living and learning.

I am the mistake of a 15 year old girl and a teenage boy who did not have the intellect and moral self-discipline to be a responsible person and hold back their sexual desires long enough to give a thought to the possible consequences of their actions.

I am the unwanted pregnancy.
I am the unwanted fetus.
I am the unwanted child.
I am the unwanted teenager.
I am the unwanted adult.

I was a burden to my mother who wishes I was not born and my father believes and says I do not exist.
To my knowledge I have never heard my mother say 'I love you'.
I have heard many times that I was a mistake.
I have heard many times that I ruined my mothers life.
I know my mother's bitterness over having an unwanted child.
I've lived a life of corporal punishment as a child.
Do you know what it is like to be an unwanted child and believe you do not exist?
Do you know what it is like to be hated simply for existing?

I am the definition of an 'unwanted' being and it reads like the story of my life - not wanted; not needed; undesirable; unloved; not received with pleasure; unwelcome; undesirable; evoking or deserving hatred; unacceptable; unpopular; unfortunate; rejected; disliked; useless; outcast; forsaken

Can you imagine learning that because of other peoples beliefs your mother could not do something that you believe is a woman's right to choose to do and that you yourself have done?
My mother vehemently believes in abortion and that it is a woman's choice.

It is never that simple though. I have had two abortions in my life. While I can not say that I was forced into this choice, it was definitely a choice that I let other people influence. I was a woman who did not have the intellect and moral self-discipline to be a responsible person and hold back my sexual desires long enough to give a thought to the possible consequences of my actions.
In the heat of the moment the man I had spent several years with asked me if I would have his child, I wanted to so I said yes. After I was pregnant he got cold feet and described my pregnancy as 'unwanted'. Unwanted pregnancy equaled abortion in my mind and he would not have it any other way.
I should have given more thought to it a couple of years later when he asked me again if I would have his child. But i did what I wanted to do. Again he changed his mind and this time I was unwanted and so was my pregnancy. He all of a sudden was dating someone else. He said if I did not have an abortion he would do it for me. He turned our friends against me and they started saying that I was trying to have a 'keep a [negro] baby'. His new girlfriend would send me messages saying 'get an abortion', 'you should be pushed down some stairs' and other messages along those lines.
From our families I was told grandchildren were unwanted. No one wanted to be a grandmother or grandfather. The more I said I wanted to have the baby the more people made it clear it was unwanted. I conceded once again unwanted pregnancy equaled abortion.

I have always found it humorous that the meaning of part of my name is 'Sea of Bitterness' because I was floating around in the deepest bitterness. I was as bitter as my mother had always been to me. I did not even call myself human at one point in my life because I did not feel or know love. I did what my mother wished she could have done to me. What I believed and did are the actions of a sick twisted freak and I learned it and lived it then I had to learn to live with it.

Now it makes me feel sick to see people so carelessly call life unwanted and a burden to society. Or that society would save money if we did not have the burden of all the unwanted. I at one point in my life felt the exact same way and it makes me angry.

My whole outlook on life has changed over time. I have had a change of heart and mind. I am. I exist. I am quite lucky to have a life. And I now know one person who truly loves me for the simple fact that I am.
In life or death situations I choose life because life was chosen for me. Whether the issue is dealing with unwanted animals or unwanted people, I choose life. If it causes death to a being I am against it - war, abortion, murder, death penalty, euthanasia of animals and people, gas chambers, physician-assisted suicide, clear cutting of forests... whatever may cause death and destruction by the hands of a human being I am against it.

I still believe a woman has a right to choose what she does with her body, but if she asks me about abortion I will advise that life is the best option. I have over the last couple of years advised two woman who asked me about having an abortion. They were appalled by my story of my abortions and how I was an unwanted child. I was glad they found it so appalling. After they had their babies they were very happy that they did not decide to do as I did. I am happy they did not do as I did also. I just wish that more people could see that having the mentality that an unwanted being should be put to death simply because it is unwanted is a sick and twisted way to treat the living. Nothing I have been through in my life, no matter how sick or bad it has been, is worse than death and I've been holding hands with death before. Life is too beautiful a thing to waste and I am done wasting life.

I have forgiven my mother and the father I do not even know the name of. It took a long time to get to that point past all the bitterness. Even though I have learned to live with my actions and chastise myself many times because of them, I do not know if I will ever get to the point of forgiving myself.
All I can do is share what I know and what I have lived.

Like a wise man once said 'My life is my message'.

End of Rant.

Given your sad past, I don't blame you for having a visceral reaction to the word "unwanted", but the fact remains, it is an issue that many kids have to deal with.

There is an elegant and humane solution to unintended pregnancies: Adoption. There are many couples out there who would love to have a child to call their own. They have the temperament and the financial means to give a child the loving home every child deserves.

Teenagers who end up pregnant should really be counseled to go this route. However, this is America, and we women have the choice, or the burden (take your pick) when we are pregnant, to make a decision. Many teen moms do not think it through when they decide to keep the baby.

Not every teenage mother is a bad mother, but the fact is, the vast majority are not ready for the responsibility, and many of them become bitter when their friends are doing things like going to dances, football games, and fun dates with friends, while they are at home with a child who needs 100% of their love and patience.

I agree with you: Choose life, and then choose what is best for that life. In nearly all cases of teen pregnancy, what is best for that life is to let that baby be adopted by an older couple who want nothing more than to have a child of their own to love.

SnF. You have addressed an aspect of your life that most people are afraid to admit. You've made a very powerful story, and I feel what you say.

However, if it's any consolation, the last will be first, and the first will be last.

Keep your chin up.

Thanks for sharing. You wrote a very moving story. I thank you for that.

reply to post by BlueBanshee

I'm glad you've fought your way through your harrowing beginnings, and found a measure of peace.

No child should feel unwanted.

I know where your coming from to a point. Ive been abused and know what its like to be unwanted.Fortunately my mother did want me, which has definitely made things easier, but my father is a different story. When I finally had kids of my own I decided to find out more info on him. Using just his name and location, I found out on Google that I have 5 older brothers, and a younger sister and brother. All of whom lived happily with him. He's a very successful doctor as well and had a 'fling' with my mom when his marriage was going through a rough patch. Has never once tried to contact me, track me down, and I doubt his other kids or his wife even no I exist.

Regarding abortion, I know how you feel to a point, although I am a guy, so the personal nature of going through an abortion is something I can't entirely relate to. Of the girls I have been with, one got pregnant when we were more or less living on the streets in our teens and ended up having a miscarriage in a stormwater drain after 3 months. It was horrible and we ended up burying the poor little boy (yes it had developed enough we could tell the gender) under a tree in a park before going to the clinic so she could be checked out. But i guess he was lucky cos his mom got screwed up on drugs and his now institutionalised. The 2nd time was when I was 19 and we jointly decided to have an abortion. My life was on track by then but she didn't want it. Having being scarred by the first experience I would have raised it on my own if needed but she just could not go through with it.

But basically for a long time I did not even want myself, for I hated who I was. Thankfully now I have completely turned my life around, got off the gear, put myself through uni, and have a beautiful family now and no one would ever be able to tell what I once was like.

But the first thing I did was begin to accept myself, and that all the decisions made, both wrong and right lead me to be the person i am today. Don't ask me how, but i also stopped worrying about what other peoples opinions of me were. This was just as imortant as accepting myself. One day you must learn to let go and forgive yourself for making decisions which at the time seemed like the best course of action. But it sounds like you are already and that makes me happy.

Everyday is a gift. You are the person you are, and had the experiences you had for a reason. Nothing on Earth is an accident, everything is unfolding exactly how it is meant to. And you are here because you are meant to be part of that great unfolding. Everyones experience is equally as valid, and some even more so because of the pain that experience involved. You are a beautiful person, and life is meant to be enjoyed.

But life is also a mirror to ourselves, if we don't like what we see, then we must change the thing that is reflecting back at us. Indded it is the only thing you can change. For the only thing you have complete control over is yourself and your thoughts. Once you have mastered that the rest of the world will fall into place to suit our expectations of it.

Have faith in yourself sweet child. Everything is going to workout just fine.

All that happened to me 6 years ago and I cannot believe even now the beauty and wonder contained within the life I now lead. But the thing is it was there all along. I just didn't notice.........