It's not my job to overpopulate the world! RANT

This has been brewing for quite some time now, because at my age, people expect me to have 8 kids and be happy about it. My mother was 4 years older than I am when she had me, and that was quite young at the time.
I am married to an active duty soldier and yes, this is relevant, because on any given day I can go into the commissary and see a woman with a kid in the cart, one across her chest in the sling, one growing in her belly, and 2 walking, doing her grocery shopping while she's waiting on the other 2 to come home from school. If someone wants to have that many kids? Hooray for them! That's their choice! So why am I getting hounded to have more? Why isn't my one good enough? My husband and I made the conscious decision...no more kids! Period! I call him "God's compromise" because I actually never wanted kids at all, and here I am with one! I am well aware of the events that cause him to be, and I never want to experience pregnancy, labor, or birth ever again!
Is it not enough that I have this one child and am still fighting with my health every day as a cancer survivor? I haven't even made it into a year and I'm being asked when I will have more kids. Are you kidding! I was going to the doctor 3 times a week. I had to rent a hotel room for 2 days because my treatment made me radioactive and I wasn't allowed near my child. I am so VERY THANKFUL for my parents. My old daddy (he is in his mid-60s) was getting up in the morning with a 2 year old! While I laid in bed, completely unable to function at some points. He took off work for days at a time! And he had been out of work for over a year, and here he is, sacrificing to watch my son for me! Yes, let's imagine how fun, and rewarding that would be, with more than one child. Let's imagine just how rewarding it would be to be even more BROKE! The kid I have eats like a teenager already! I have to feed 2 males in the household on a shoestring military family budget! I am not going to PUT myself in a situation of "well, government assistance is available" You know what women used to do? NOT HAVE KIDS THEY COULD NOT AFFORD! I have no business having another child. I have no job, I am just barely getting back into college. If you need assistance, then by all means take it, but MY family is doing okay with what we HAVE and are SMART enough to realize if there was another mouth to feed, we could NOT afford it!

It's insulting to me when I get into an argument about this, with people I don't even know! I have had older woman cashiers say "He's your only one! Oh no, you need to give him a little brother!" and we say "No ma'am, he's the only one" and get the reply "Oh no! I would be so unhappy if I never had siblings" I want to tell those people to CRAM IT! Are you going to help me when I have all those pregnancy problems? I had PUPPPS so badly that I scratched the first layer of skin off of my feet and couldn't walk for an entire day. I had sciatica so badly I walked on a cane for a week until I finally just stopped getting out of bed! You going to pay for daycare? You going to buy our food? I'm sorry that shows like "19 kids and counting" and "16 and pregnant" are okay. That's not normal! They're not on television to proclaim how it's so easy to do! they're on tv because it's different, it's not normal, NOT everyone is required to do it!

It's even more insulting when I tell someone (not a complete stranger but a friend or acquaintance) that our decision is based on the fact that I have just been treated for cancer and do not want to risk passing on something negative to a child. Cancer is in my family. I have both paternal and maternal grandparents who have survived or passed because of cancer. My father is a prostate cancer survivor. My aunt is a colon cancer survivor. I do not want to continue this legacy. And to top it off, THYROID problems can be passed along as well. Why risk it? And it insults me, and makes me feel like my intelligence is being questioned when someone says "It's not 100% certain that you will pass on cancer. It's highly unlikely." or similar. SCREW YOU! If it's not 100% NOT going to get passed on, I don't care about .9998% or anything! I want to know, hand to God, that my child would not get ANY kind of health problems. NOBODY can guarantee that, therefore, MY uterus is no longer anyone's concern!!!!!!!!!

My husband supports me, 100% and that's all that matters! Keep your opinions to yourself because my husband said it best! "Why would I give my son a brother or sister if it meant he would no longer have a mother?"
Too bad not everyone can see it like that.


WOWWWWWW I feel better!
/end rant

Nice rant, I have had chemo and radiation treatments and it does make life extremely hard. It sounds like your doing better? I hope so. Life was crazy for me and I couldn't imagine having kids to care for while going through that. My stance on having kids is I want one but I don't want a kid to have to grow up in this mess we are in and the mess just seems to be growing. I work with kids and love kids and very much see your point. Thanks for sharing, many prayers to you and your families well being, have a nice thanksgiving! I think we both have a lot to be thankful for.

You've got to be kidding. If you think the feedback you get for having only one child is bad, then try walking in my shoes. I'm a male who is pushing 40 and don't have any children at all--which, according to the majority of people (especially females), means there must be something terribly and horribly wrong, weird, and f'kd up about me. Lord knows a "normal" man my age should be child support to someone!

Originally posted by unworldly
You've got to be kidding. If you think the feedback you get for having only one child is bad, then try walking in my shoes. I'm a male who is pushing 40 and don't have any children at all--which, according to the majority of people (especially females), means there must be something terribly and horribly wrong, weird, and f'kd up about me. Lord knows a "normal" man my age should be child support to someone!

My brother is 36, unmarried and no kids...I have also seen that. But the difference is, you won't get a nosey woman cashier asking you about it. Friends and family? Perhaps. Strangers? Definitely not as much...when I see a man by himself, I automatically assume if he has kids, they're just at home (that is not meant to be offensive, btw)

Originally posted by mileslong54
Nice rant, I have had chemo and radiation treatments and it does make life extremely hard. It sounds like your doing better? I hope so. Life was crazy for me and I couldn't imagine having kids to care for while going through that. My stance on having kids is I want one but I don't want a kid to have to grow up in this mess we are in and the mess just seems to be growing. I work with kids and love kids and very much see your point. Thanks for sharing, many prayers to you and your families well being, have a nice thanksgiving! I think we both have a lot to be thankful for.

edit on 18-11-2011 by mileslong54 because: (no reason given)

Thank you! I didn't go through any chemo so you have probably been through more than me, I had a surgery where they removed the organ and then I had to swallow a radioactive pill twice, about a month apart. I wasn't allowed around children or small animals (which my dog fell into the category of). I wish some people would understand the "walk a mile in their shoes" kind of thing...I didn't just get over the cold! I'm not worried about passing on an ingrown toenail problem!

Vanna...you are the voice of reason....a breath of fresh sanity. Kudos to you for setting a sane boundary, and sticking to it.

I am the first born of a litter of six, my mother had. She lost two before birth, that would have made eight children in our fantastic dysfunctional family, had she carried to full term.

I decided after a loveless childhood, I would break the cycle of abuse in my family. My hubby and I decided to have only one child. The best decision I ever made. I see my siblings with their litters, not able to raise them properly, and the same old patterns from our parents being passed on like some vile disease.

My one and only child is now grown. A professor at University, happily married, and her choice is to not bring children into this over populated world. She said, if the time comes she and her hubby have the right circumstances to have a child, they will adopt. I'm proud of her choices in life.

You owe nothing to anyone who questions your choice on having more children. They are rude to even force their opinions on you. You owe them nothing!

Glad you could rant here...it helps to blow it out sometimes.

Bright Blessings and Prayers for Good Health,

Des

Anyone who has cancer should really look into the Burzynski Institute in Houston, Texas.

www.burzynskiclinic.com...

The government keeps trying to shut them down because they have a cure for cancer.

This place did wonders for my uncle and I thank them for saving his life.

Chemo-therapy is basically non effective. They charge you huge amounts of money to be poisoned.

Good luck to you.

Originally posted by davereality
Anyone who has cancer should really look into the Burzynski Institute in Houston, Texas.

www.burzynskiclinic.com...

The government keeps trying to shut them down because they have a cure for cancer.

This place did wonders for my uncle and I thank them for saving his life.

Chemo-therapy is basically non effective. They charge you huge amounts of money to be poisoned.

Good luck to you.

I have seen it and know all about it and love that he's doing what he is but unfortunately there is tptb that see no profits in cure but only treatments. Chemo actually did help save my life but caused other problems as well but they are very easily managed.

reply to post by Vanna


Observing your brother won't even remotely begin to clue you in as to how this feels. The judgment you receive as a man for not having children as you approach middle age, is profoundly insulting--and that's putting it mildly. The reactions range from the mild "pity" responses to the nose-in-the-air "what the f'k is wrong with you?" responses, but none of the responses are ever good. Seriously, I cannot believe you are ranting about how you're treated because of *having* a kid. Try having none--better yet, try being a male and having none. Your rant is laughable.

I hear the same crap, I have three boys and everyone is always saying how I need to have a girl, and blah blah blah. Yeah well, I need a lot of things and another mouth to feed and body to dress is not high on the list.
People are so dumb. I guess you are nicer than me because I tell people what I think about their idiot comments. Haha!
Some women around me have no job, no husband or for that matter the same boyfriend month to month and they are shooting out babies like a human pez dispencer, and then complaining because they can't go out and have drinks and dance with their new boyfriends because they have all these kids. Idiots. I don't even tell people "congrats" anymore.I just shake my head and say " No I'm not coming to your 5th baby shower." HAHA

Go you, for having a brain and fighting that cancer!

Well, first off, sounds like you have a great Dad and a great husband. Plus you're a cancer survivor. That's pretty cool right there. And, for what it's worth, you're pretty smart with your decision. You can do the math and realize you wouldn't be able to support a herd of children as well as you can support one. Would that others would realize that and not get to the point where they expect the rest of the world to support their broods. It's an unfortunate fact that the lower down on the socio-economic ladder you are, the more kids you have. Everybody knows how to breed even though they may have no other skills whatsoever.

I have only one child myself. Although it irks me that your average cashier wants to be your new best friend, comments like that never really bothered me. Given the fact that it costs a quarter million dollars to raise a kid to age 18 I'd say there's your answer. "Give me $250K and I'll have another kid. That's how much it costs. If you don't want to pay, then how about minding your own business?"

I can think of a lot of other insults, like "How many kids do YOU have." Answer varies. "You must be very proud of yourself for knowing how to breed." Hey, it's not my thread, but adding to your insult repetoire might be fun. Any others? Anyway, good decision on your part.

reply to post by unworldly



Glad I could unintentionally bring humor into your day, and I respect your differing opinion.

reply to post by Vanna

Don't take this the wrong way but it seems to me like you're making excuses in all of your stated responses to especially your friends but also the strangers.

Why do you not simply say: I just don't want anymore kids. ? If people can't accept your decision then it's their problem - not yours.

When making excuses (cancer, etc..) it could lead some to believe that they are reasons for you not wanting any more kids and they may actually be trying to help you by giving you information. If cancer (and your other excuses) is not the reason, then don't use it as an excuse. Simple.

Don't allow any person the power to downplay or ridicule the conscious choices you and your husband made for your family.

This is your life. You're good enough, your husband is good enough, and most certainly your child is good enough.
/end affirmation

I'm a 32 year old dude that has yet to make the 'choice' to have children. People seem quick to forget that breeding is not the keystone to existence on this rock.

If I ever do end up having a kid, I'll be in the same boat as you...one please.

For what it's worth, you, your health and your family are in my prayers.

Originally posted by mileslong54

Originally posted by davereality
Anyone who has cancer should really look into the Burzynski Institute in Houston, Texas.

www.burzynskiclinic.com...

The government keeps trying to shut them down because they have a cure for cancer.

This place did wonders for my uncle and I thank them for saving his life.

Chemo-therapy is basically non effective. They charge you huge amounts of money to be poisoned.

Good luck to you.

I have seen it and know all about it and love that he's doing what he is but unfortunately there is tptb that see no profits in cure but only treatments. Chemo actually did help save my life but caused other problems as well but they are very easily managed.

Very well said...I am on meds for the rest of my life because the organ was removed, and the remnants of the organ was zapped shortly after with radioiodine...I am currently suffering the consequences of not a high enough dose so I know there is no getting around it. If I am financing someone's ferrari with my $5 a month of medication, so be it. There are cancerous nodules out of my body, and what could possibly be more important than that?

Originally posted by slowisfast
Don't allow any person the power to downplay or ridicule the conscious choices you and your husband made for your family.

This is your life. You're good enough, your husband is good enough, and most certainly your child is good enough.
/end affirmation

I'm a 32 year old dude that has yet to make the 'choice' to have children. People seem quick to forget that breeding is not the keystone to existence on this rock.

If I ever do end up having a kid, I'll be in the same boat as you...one please.

For what it's worth, you, your health and your family are in my prayers.

Thank you.

Originally posted by Iamonlyhuman
reply to post by Vanna

 

Don't take this the wrong way but it seems to me like you're making excuses in all of your stated responses to especially your friends but also the strangers.

Why do you not simply say: I just don't want anymore kids. ? If people can't accept your decision then it's their problem - not yours.

When making excuses (cancer, etc..) it could lead some to believe that they are reasons for you not wanting any more kids and they may actually be trying to help you by giving you information. If cancer (and your other excuses) is not the reason, then don't use it as an excuse. Simple.

edit on 18/11/2011 by Iamonlyhuman because: (no reason given)

I understand what you're getting at but why is it my job to end a conversation that is not their business to begin with? It's not even a good debate, with good friends, much less strangers. I have a whole list of reasons, excuses, whatever you want to call them. I can think of 100 reasons not to, and not a single reason that would benefit me. So why is it even something they should bring up? That's the main basis of this here rant.

Originally posted by Vanna
I can think of 100 reasons not to, and not a single reason that would benefit me. So why is it even something they should bring up? That's the main basis of this here rant.

Because they may not realize that you feel this way:

Originally posted by Vanna
I actually never wanted kids at all

Seems to me you might not want to admit to friends that you never wanted kids in the first place. I can understand if that is the case, but If they're friends then they'll accept it for what it is. And maybe it won't be a topic anymore. As far as strangers go, yeah people are nosey, but they always will be... don't let them take your energy, just tell it like it is!

Don't just make the decision and then cower to it - OWN IT! You'll be amazed at how freeing this will be to you!

I had to go through that when I was younger because I had no kids. You are being responsible and wise in your decision and owe no one an apology or an excuse. I used to tell people that my husband and I had pets instead, they're cheaper.

As for cancer, I am curently going through chemo and know what you have been though there.

Well wishes to you...I hope your health is better than it's ever been once the treatment is over!