Excerpt from my second book, series about vampires, wolves, intergalatic wars.

Hi, Just looking for some feedback on this excerpt from the second in a series of books I'm currently writing.

I gasped as the scenery whizzed by in a blur, I clung to my captor or was he my savior? Either way I held on for dear life as we weaved in between obstacles that I wasn't aware of until they were right in front of us. He held me close, his arms tight around me but was it to prevent me from slipping and possibly hurting myself or to prevent me from escaping, I couldn't be sure. I had no idea how far or how fast he ran but he didn't let up until the sun was starting to set and we appeared to be on the outskirts of a city, but not Richmond, this was much much bigger. I shivered as the cold air whipped against me, he squeezed me just a little closer to him as he whispered "I'm sorry for the cold, I carelessly didn't think about your aversion to low temperatures, we're almost there though I promise." He sounded so non threatening, almost concerned, hardly the whisperings of an evil being, a sadistic bloodthirsty creature who would stop at nothing to get what he wanted, his tone had been so gentle, so caring. I tried to shrink into my coat as much as possible but it didn't help warm me up, I couldn't rely on him to warm me as his body temperature was much lower then a humans, if anything he was making the journey harsher. His pace slowed as we entered a busy district of the unfamiliar city, he set me down on my feet before wrapping an arm tightly around my shoulders and gripping my right arm tight enough so that I couldn't pull free. I looked desperately at the faces around me, hoping my terrified expression would alert somebody to my plight but as with any large city, most people kept their heads down as they strived to get to their destinations, the few that did glance my way seemed to frown before averting their eyes. I should have screamed out for help but how would I explain the situation, nobody would believe the truth and no doubt at the first screech he would swoop me up and run at top speed to get me away from any do-gooders paying attention. "We're almost there now, just around the corner" he said as he half led, half dragged me around another block, I was doing my best to make things difficult for him. At one point I'd grabbed a railing but he uncurled my fingers from the metal post as easy as pie and asked me or perhaps warned me not to try something like that again, I still wasn't sure if he intended to harm me or not, I could only hope he wouldn't. I scanned the crowd one last time as we reached a building that he informed me was our destination, a young couple looked directly at me and I managed to mouth 'help me' to them but they just looked away and whispered to each other before hurrying off in a different direction, my hope plummeted as he led me through the elaborate revolving doors of what appeared to be an apartment complex.

"Good evening sir" a man behind the reception desk called out as he stood and bowed, "We're not to be disturbed Frank, not by anybody, particularly my colleagues, do you understand me?!" Jack said as he shoved me in to an open elevator, Frank called back that he understood just as the elevator doors closed. I wrapped my arms around myself, I was cold and scared, I didn't know where I was or what awaited me. The elevator seemed to climb forever, I looked at the floor, we were just coming up to 97, I gulped as I looked to see what floor he'd pressed. None of the 130 lights were lit but a small intricate latch with a keyhole had light shining from within it, it must have been the penthouse floor and presumably only Jack had the key. I huddled into the corner fighting back the tears, if only we'd been on the first floor, at least then I had a shot at jumping out of a window, I let out a small cry as I realized I had no escape and no one was coming to save me. Jack loomed over me he was just a little taller then Ellis, I whimpered again as I thought of Ellis, wishing I was safely in his arms. "I'm sorry if I've frightened you, I didn't mean to, please believe me when I say I mean you no harm" and then he smiled, not the sly arrogant smile he'd shown infront of the others at the club but the cheeky, warming smile I'd grown fond of so many months ago. It was only then that I noticed he wasn't sending those strange bad waves through me, the spine tingling icy ripples I'd recently become accustomed to from him were completely gone. That creepy feeling he'd sent through me since his return to Earth was completely absent, but why? had he enchanted me in some way?! I didn't feel any different, all that had changed was the feeling, I no longer felt nauseous at his touch, which was a welcome change as right now he was rubbing his hand up and down my arm. "Are you okay?" he said as he moved closer to me, almost pinning me to the elevator wall, panic rose within me, his hand moved so fast that I flinched expecting him to strike me, but his hand slowed as he wiped a single tear away, his touch was so gentle, just as it had been the day he'd driven me to Lisa's house when I'd feared for her safety. "Don't cry Lily, everything will be fine, I swear" and he backed away just in time for a ping to announce we'd reached our floor.

Jack stepped out first and held the doors open as he waited for me to step out, what choice did I have, perhaps if I earned his trust I could sneak away, I gritted my teeth, this was not going to be easy. "Okay, I'll try to believe you, I don't have much choice really do I?" I said as I stepped out of the elevator. I had expected a substantial corridor leading to at least a few penthouses but we were in more of a small room, the hallway was almost as small as the elevator. A large heavy looking door stood infront of us, the keycode on the cream coloured wall next to it reminded me of the werewolves VIP room at Mark's club, I bit my lip as I re-called my final moments in the woods before I was kidnapped, seeing Izzie crouched over Mark's lifeless body, screaming in grief. Jack's frantic pressing of the buttons on the keycode brought me back to the current situation, his vampire speed made it impossible for me to keep up with what numbers he entered but it was at least 12 digits long. The wall beneath the keycode seemed to collapse in on itself after he'd finished typing, a panel with a hand print on popped out, Jack placed his slender fingers against it, a green light swiped down across his palm before a robotic female voice announced that it was a successful match. This had to be a joke, what was he 007?, he saw me staring with a perplexed look on my face at his security measures. "I'm afraid I have to be very careful, I have alot of enemies and undesirable's to keep out and after today that number will double particularly when my...comrades realize what I've done. It won't take them long to find which hideout I'm at." He said the word comrades like it was pure filth, there was certainly no love lost between him and his guards.

It still seemed crazy that vampires infact existed,even if they were infact an alien race rather then mythical beings and even more insane was that I was one of them, or at least half vampire.Setting aside the typical vampire traits of super speed, long range hearing, impossible strength and agility and of course our matching deathly pallor we both looked like typical young adults, nobody would suspect we were anything other then human.

Excerpt

Great writer you are.

reply to post by ReeceIkyle


Thank you for pointing out my dyslexia I never claimed to be a great writer or an actual writer per se, I just wanted some feedback on the story itself, not my bad spelling, grammar etc that I struggle with sometimes.

Oh that is a shame because that is the first thing people will see. Maybe the nice mods will correct it.

reply to post by Kyazl


I thinks its a good story. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more or your work.