Deceit or not? Dishonesty, or over analyzing? Outside objective thoughts and views~

First, let me start by saying, mods, if I placed this thread in the wrong forum, my deepest apologies. I did do a search but this is the closest forum I could find.

Now Im not going in to a sad heart break story. No, Im just going to give you the facts. The facts that I ascertained. Yes this deals with a destroyed relationship, but I only present my story, to get outside opinions. I've been so confused, as to whether or not to follow my gut instincts or am I just reading to deep into things?

With that, allow me to begin.

I dated my girl friend for nearly two years. Didn't really argue, until the last few months. But the issues that we debated on were the typical issues that every relationship faces. For example, emotional fulfillment, physical fulfillment, a connection with her sons, ( keeping in mind Im the " step parent " in this story), things of that nature. Now bare in mind, she does have emotional issues, more specifically, depression. But I was determined to stand by her, and help her through those " rough " times. With that, let's pick up the story till 3 weeks ago shall we?

While visiting my kids, who live in another state, I called my g/friend on a Saturday morning. At exactly 9am. At that time, I had asked her what she was doing. She then informed me that she was watching cartoons with her kids. I really didn't think much of it. So the weekend went without a hitch. I returned home to her on Sunday evening. Thats when things changed. On that Tuesday, out of the blue, ( which she had never done before ) she informed me that she had trained a new guy. This persons name we will say is Bob, and that she had to train him for the next couple of weeks. And that rumors were starting that they were inseparable. But I had nothing to worry about she says. Thats when the red flags went off in my head. So that same day, after returning from the store, she was out chatting with the neighbor. When i went to get on the pc, I see her ( social site ) logged in, and I noticed that she had messages. When I checked, I see that the Saturday I mentioned above, when I asked her what she was doing, I noticed the time. She had been chatting with BOB for 1hr and 47 minutes, and never told me. She was chatting with him, even though she told me she was watching cartoons.

SO after confronting her about this deceitful conversation, she tries to play it off as banter, and that there is nothing to worry about. We argued for a full week about this issue. And her response, ..you guessed it, nothing! I felt disrespected, betrayed and hurt.

So now into the second week, I thought we had repaired that breach, and moved on. SoOOo, I asked on that Tuesday morning, if she would like for me to come to her work and have lunch. She explained that she was going to have lunch at her desk, and catch up. Little do I know, ( and after the fact ) she ends up having lunch with an " alleged " female worker and ?..you guessed it..Bob.

When I hear of this, I confront her yet again, explaining that this is becoming a pattern of events, that are beyond coincidental. She explains that they are just friends and not to worry. Now we are still in the second week mind you, and that Thursday, I was preparing to leave out of town to visit my kids again. On that thursday, she informs me that she is having " friends " from work over for dinner. I asked who, and it turned out to be a female co-worker, and guess who...yup, Bob again. We argue about this plan of hers, and she offered to cancel. But I told her I didn't want to be that " guy ", but she should do what she thought was right, and respectful.

So while visiting my kids, guess what? In her mind the right thing to do, was to have the dinner anyways! WHHHAAAATTTTTT???????

I return on Sunday, and we hash things out. I inform her that her actions have crossed the line of disrespect by leaps and bounds, and that she has no respect for me. She tries to play it off, like nothing is going on.

Now we are into the beginning of the 3rd week. That Monday, I walked her to her car, to send her off to work, and when i attempted to kiss her ( more than a peck on the lips, lets keep this G-Rated ) she flinched! Now I knew something was wrong~

So I go back in, and decide, ya know?, something in my gut is telling me something is massively wrong! So I checked her email, and low and behold, I find a " love " letter from Bob to her. Not sexually explicit or anything, but discusses plans for an alleged " co-worker " jacuzzi party, that just so happens to be on yet another weekend Im out of town. It also discusses that his cat is on the spot meant for her on his couch. Then ends the letter with and I quote, " I miss you terribly, and can't wait to see the infectious smile on your face and your sparkling eyes ". Now Im no dummy, but thats not something a platonic friend says. Atleast I dont think so anyways.

That was the last straw....I grabbed what I could, and left.

So with that, I would like to hear from preferably womens points of views. But all are welcome. Bare in mind however, when confronting her, she kept claiming emotional distress, and that " it was her and not me", and that she " needed to focus on herself" to make things right.


So, now I ask the fellow readers, do you believe she was telling the truth? Or do you think she was searching for some strange?

Me personally, I think she was done, and couldn't owe up to her actions, with honesty and conviction. Tried to lie her way out of the relationship, meanwhile chasing some other dude, or at the very least bought into his empty promises of a better life.

What are your thoughts?

You already know the answer.

The only advice I will share; the less of your personal life (specifically issues and choices like this) you subject to the internet, the better. You should look inward when thinking about things like this.

just my 2 cents

reply to post by EmVeeFF


I don't dispute that, however one of my faults is over thinking. I began to " second guess" myself. In regards to whether or not there was mischievous actions taking place.

...well, first, i must tell ya that bare = nekkid...

...so, what do i think?... i think its real easy for me to sit here and tell you how you should think about this deal...

...if you were my son, i'd say - you stayed two weeks too long but, now, you're out, so stop analyzing what happened... its a done deal... cherish the good times... appreciate the experience... dont fall into the trap of judging future suspects, errr, uh, prospects on how you've been treated in the past... stand up straight, always wear clean drawers and dont ever forget that mama didnt raise no fools...

...hope that helps...

Yep it was pretty obvious from your details that she was moving on but didn't want to face it so you did the right thing. It would have ended anyways, probably badly, had you not left. She doesn't sound like she was ready to settle so enjoy your freedom and keep looking.

reply to post by Realms


Explanation: S&F! My deepest condolences for you finding yourself on the raw end of a long term relationship thats gone sour.

Its all of that and more because relationships... deep relationships cannot be summed up in a single post!

So was she being dishonest from what I can see is your point of view? OL is willing to take your post at face value until further notice etc.

Yes she was on multiple accounts Your perserverence was REMARKABLE and I highly commend you for the following...

1] Being lucky [through talent and or skillz etc] to notice exactly what was transpiring and confronting her directly over it.

2] Being awesome in that, although Ima sure you were very stressed, you kept your cool and left asap!

Very wise to take of yourself and stand up and speak out and take action as required, because OL noticed that you mentioned that you have kids also ... so you need to be in a solid and sure life position so that you can take full care of that responsibilty 1st as IMHO its should be the 1st prioritory. But I am not a parent and so please dont take anything I say on that as credible ok!

Personal Disclosure: I would recommend in future that if you allow yourself to love and let anyone that close to you again in your life that you are fully prepared to love them regardless of who they may be having sexual relations with. I can only talk from my own [highly dscredited .. in my eyes due to self bias etc ] experience and I decided that I love my gf so much that if she finds a better man/partner/significant other .. then if she asks me then OL will 100% aquire them for her because my gf deserves the best NO MATTER WHAT IT IS!

And that brings me back on topic... Communication in any relationship is KEY! Because without it everything locks up pretty quickly and those things tend to close and shut down relationships!

I would like to advise the OP to also use this method for determining whether a potential significant other is a worthy mate ...

I call it the "Will you take No for an answer?" question!

If they dont speak up and quickly .. they are manufacturing a reply. Take note of that and act in your and your childrens best interests.

If they say No, they won't take No for an answer, then you are in the presence of a an unreasonable person and OL recommends exiting very quikly at that juncture point.

Finally if they say Yes, they will take No for an answer, then hold them to that!

reply to post by Realms


Never trust a woman when she tells you "he's just a friend". You didn't over react or over think anything. Your gut is bang on.

It's over. Move on. There is nothing worse then wasting time on a relationship that is so clearly over.

Logging into your SO's social networking sites and email account is wrong, btw..even if you suspect they are cheating.

By the way did you talk about your ex alot or was there a lot of drama about the ex's? Did she ever talk to your ex?

Originally posted by Merigold
It's over. Move on. There is nothing worse then wasting time on a relationship that is so clearly over.

Logging into your SO's social networking sites and email account is wrong, btw..even if you suspect they are cheating.

We had each others passwords, if you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing.

Originally posted by Logarock
By the way did you talk about your ex alot or was there a lot of drama about the ex's? Did she ever talk to your ex?

No discussions about the ex's, only references to them when discussing the children.

reply to post by Realms


Hhhmm... with that avatar and that sig.... where did you really go? Rhetorical.

reply to post by Realms


Well, if you both agree that it's ok then fair enough..but I would be highly peeved if my SO went into my accounts, and he does know my passwords. I've never agreed with the adage, nothing to hide, nothing to worry about..we all have something to hide, I don't' want my BF finding out I've been researching wedding dresses for the last 6 months after all...( he hasn't asked..and doesn't seem inclined to...I'm just day dreaming..)

this is the typical trap that is setup in every relationship. Men hit the complacency stage. Almost all do it, and it spells doom for any relationship. To the male it means security and trust. To the female is means apathy and disinterest. If you were having the fights about emotional fullfillment, she gave you a BIG LONG WARNING that you weren't doing your job in the relationship.
Most men act like idiots when women bring this up. But the fact is, you had no problem doing it to get her attention at the beginning of the relationship.
I don't care if you have been married for over 50 years, you never stop making a female feel wanted and valuable.

Women need attention, period. Now a few naysayers will come on here and say otherwise, but we need that reinforcement that you care.
Guess what, you don't give it to us, someone else will. If the rooster doesn't watch the henhouse, another rooster will.

Men tend to affair because of any reason, unhappy at work, drinking, got fired, it is like a drug to distract. When women stray, it is because they are not being fullfilled by the relationship.

You need to accept responsiblity that your girlfriend tried to tell you she was unhappy, but you didn't listen. YOu already made the catch, so why do you have to keep making her happy?
I don't want to hear you went to work and paid that bills, that is your job. That is a basic, not a relationship quality.

She probably tried to tell you 100 times what is going wrong. She probaby asked for flowers and romantic getaways, or whatever her idea is. She wanted to you to TALK to her, oh the horrors. Women NEED to be emotionally supported above all else.

I don't know if she had a physical relationship, it may have been an emotional one, she may have been talkign to the guy to get her emotional needs filled. Every opportunity it sounds like she had the friend there, she may have done that deliberately to keep a physical buffer there to avoid temptation, but she still had emotional needs to fill.

The other relationship killer is boundaries, and most couples dont bother to define them. But what may be cheating to one partner is not cheating to another. If you haven't set the boundaries, then the other doesnt' know what they are and can cross them. Women will accept emotional cheating if they are not being fullfilled. And I can tell you right now, a lot of other women will ok it. Because way too many women have suffered the complacency stage and know what it is like. If you think going out to dinner with the opposite sex is inappropriate but have never said so(and no, the night before doesn't count, that just makes you look like a controlling arse) then you need to accept responsibility for that as well.

And yes, women can be just friends. I have done it plenty of times. I even have steamy conversations with just friends, but that is all they are. In fact male friends are good for filling emotional roles or answering questions that you complacent partner and/or spouse won't.

I think you jumped the gun, and I think you need to talk to her to find out what is going on, really going on. And this time, actually listen to what she is telling you.

Find a woman that deserves you.

Originally posted by SystemResistor
Find a woman that deserves you.

edit on 9-8-2011 by SystemResistor because: (no reason given)

He did in the first place. Though I see your point in this throw away society. Takes two to work out a relationship... not one talking to someone else, or not being available or one talking to people on the internet in a public forum. That's just prolonging the agony by stagnation. Doesn't solve anything. Prepare to listen, to be humble and to be vulnerable so that she may see through the layers of your recent denials to the person she fell in love with..

First of all, I tend to think along the lines of the poster who suggested you already had input to alert you to her feeling unfulfilled. So often guys just don't hear it, or don't seem to be able to hold it in mind longer than the time it takes to make up after the argument. Women do need to be seduced again and again- the seduction is never "over" in a relationship.

Now that can sound exhausting and bothersome, but some men use it as the inspirational force to pull more out of themselves and grow.

Secondly, I would suggest that it is possible she was sort of in denial about where that "friendship" was heading. We women can sort of trick ourselves into thinking a guy is "just a friend", when the truth is we feel flattered by the way he looks at us, and the subtle signs he is attracted. If you're in a relationship and feeling unfulfilled, that can be a strong magnet, even if they guy himself is not especially impressive- it just feels good to have someone wanting you, if you aren't feeling it usually.

That's how these friendships start to slide off into the wierd "emotional affair" where the woman might still not be clear in her midn that she is having one.

So she migh tnot be actually lying to you, but lying to herself.

I have been married for 20 years and adore my husband, but went through a period where I started to make friends with a man at a time I felt rather lonely and neglected, and he happened to be in a position of playing rescuer (a horse trainer helping me with a young horse I couldn't handle)......and the "Horsewhisperer" type fantasies probably played on the edges of my mind, and his sliding eyes up and down my body didn't calm it. Next thign I knew, we were such "good friends" I was telling him the most intimate details of my life and we'd entered that gray area. We never touched each other, but I was becoming more emotionally close to him than my husband.

My husband did pick up on it and I denied it completely. He chose not to leave or do anything rash, just show up unexpectedly while I was with the guy, often. I found his jealousy flattering, and he began to make effort to seduce me again. It worked. one day I woke up wondering what the hell I foudn attractive about that other guy, he suddenly had no effect on me whatsoever, and I keep a certain emotional distance form him, even though I see him ver often and we're still friends! I don't feel a thing for him and the relationship with my husband bloomed and took on a another level of intimacy and trust.

I kinda think you should have engaged in the competition to win her heart, at least tried. But that si obviously because of my own experience. For a woman, the guy who is passively just walks away instead of making some effort is not worth pining over anyway. She's probably moved on.