God Poked Me!

I share this as somewhat of an introducted to myself, as well as to present a true account of why I believe in a higher power. I'm not sure what compells me.... but... submitting it anyway, for better or for worse.

This is my experience as best as I can describe it. I'll try to present it without too much interpretation, I'll leave that up to the reader.

- Growing up methodist, I was taught to believe if I prayed hard enough, God would help me. This never made sense to me because no matter how hard I prayed, bad things continued to happen. When I questioned it, I was told that I was being punished by God, for the sins I committed and no one could see... this didn't make sense either because I didn't lie, I didn't steal, I wasn't mean or spiteful.... even in hindsight I see no reason why God would punish me in the ways I was being punished.

- During these early years, I had a nightmare that sticks with me to this day. The dream starts out with me in a long room, completely painted white, with long white tables on either side, lined with white chairs on the outside. I don't know what was at either end of this room, but there were 2 men across from me. One was very tall, one was very short - both were bald, both in long white robes, and the short man had a large knife. I knew I had to get out of there, so I ran through the door and discovered I was in my dads house. I started down the stairs, and saw that the entire first level of the house was enveloped in a purple fog. There were evil noises coming from the fog that I can't begin to describe but I knew it was hell and they were monsters. So I sat in the middle of the staircase and cried. Its significant because it haunted me, and through all the years of lucid/vivid dreaming, its still the only one I remember. Most fade after a few days.

- By the time I turned 6, I was stealing money and cigarettes, and doing other things I knew I shouldn't be doing because I figured I should get my moneys worth if I'm going to be punished... yes, 6. But I did continue to go to church - I didn't have much choice in the matter I guess, but I never fought it. For the most part I had a good time at church. It was social, and I enjoyed the choir and "sunday school" was usually some cool arts and crafts. So in spite of my confusion, I just put my faith in the adults around me that these things were "right", after all I was just a child, and when you're a child adults know everything, right?

- Moving along, school was a nightmare. Looking back now I can't remember going to church or anything like that through those years. But I do remember the sense that I was continuing to be punished. I was picked on and bullied and angry. I never wanted to go to school and did everything I could to get out of it (from then right up until I quit at 16). I spent most of my time trying to figure out why I was being treated so unfairly.

- I hate to leave out a lot of details but I want to keep this focused on major turning points and skip most of the little ones. They're just too personal and numerous, each one a story in itself. You're free to fill them in with your own experiences, they're probably similar. Also should mention I did have friends, the majority just didn't come locally.

- In order to cope with my confusion I turned to instant gratification. When I was 12, I started drinking and was a full fledged pack a day smoker. By the time I was 15 it was party central. Luckily I was smart enough to stay away from the heavier drugs. Then I met Adam.

- yes thats his real name, Adam.

- Adam told me he was a witch. Adam told me a lot of things, but the main thing I learned from Adam is that what I was raised to believe IS NOT THE ONLY WAY to be. That I was free to think. That I had options. That basically what I was taught was wrong. Adam had all the answers I had been looking for.

- So at this point in time, I'm 15, I'm a free thinker, independent, and doing what I wanted to do and now felt completely justified in doing so. I continued to party cause hey! thats the fun thing to do! I suffered still but at least it wasnt related to religion anymore, at least not that I know of, I was just your standard depressed teenager from an outsider point of view (it went much deeper than that though, as I did end up hospitalized at least once)... but I had decided at this point there was no god - he wasn't going to help me - so self medication was the way to go!

- Fast forward 18 months, now 17, I found out I was pregnant. The happiest day of my life. I quit everything, I even quit smoking (at least while I was pregnant). If there was a child ever more loved and wanted I'd be surprised. I gave up my entire life, gladly. I no longer needed the partying and the false friends. I knew now what my life's purpose was to be. To raise a mentally healthy child. So, I took my GED, gave birth, and enrolled in a vocational school so that I could get on with my life.

- I also decided at exactly this time, to give God another chance. Of course I'm not one to go blindly into any faith at this point. I had decided that it was a "learning" experience, and maybe I'd find something... nope, wait, I was wrong.

- I was judged. I was insulted. BY PEOPLE WHO CLAIMED TO BE CHRISTIANS

- My children were raised (2 boys I have now, they're 17 and 19yo) to educate themselves. I informed them over the years through many discussions that some people believe in God, and some people do not. I advised them that they should try to learn as much as they can, and decide what is best for them. I managed to raise a self proclaimed athiest, and someone who has accepted Jesus as his personal lord and savior, where I maintained that I was agnostic. I just didn't know. This approach seems to have worked, as anyone who knows me can tell you, I have the most well behaved, respectful children. I even tell people I'm still waiting for the terrible 2's to hit I don't think just the religious views are "why", I think its more along the lines of the fact that I communicated everything with them open, honestly, and I kept them involved in all the decisions that were made regarding their own existance. But parenting is a whole other thread!

- I feel I should mention that I did over the years look into several religions, though I never studied any of them "in depth". And I'm still completely opposed to organized religion. But I always defend what people choose to believe, I like to assume they're not all lemmings, and I think religion is better than crack. I tried over the years to keep an open enough mind that I can argue for or against the existance of God, even if I don't adhere to either belief.

- In searching for "answers" when I really didn't know what the questions were, and probably most of you can relate - I became fascinated with the unknown. Ghosts, aliens, bigfoot, you name it. I would read anything I could get my hands on (pre-internet).

- I still struggle with depression also, but you get real good at hiding it when the people around you don't understand. In fact I got so good at hiding it that when I started asking for help, no one believed me.

- More details I need to leave out go in this space, so we'll fast forward to present day.

- About 4 years ago my health took a turn for the worse. I was diagnosed with RA years ago but its only becoming debilitating in this time. The severity of the symptoms lead to an exacerbation of the depression. Although I can honestly say that I'm not suicidal, I sure did have a death wish. At night when I would try to sleep my brain would say the same thing over and over "die, die, die, die, dont wake up, please don't wake up, death, die, die, die" - this went on up until just about the time the earthquake hit Japan...

- At this same time I started paying attention to the MSM - please do keep in mind that I always thought the newspeople were full of it, and government controlled - so whats really important here is that I started paying attention to the "comments" - where I started to acknowledge "conspiracy theories". Not that I wasn't aware they were there before, but they are just now becoming so prominent in my "keyword" based reality. I can't escape them.

- Also at this same time I had a sudden change in my thought process. I went from "die, die, die" to "I'm cracking up, I'm cracking up, I'm cracking up.." to the point that I really thought I was... It was an improvement I guess... but I even thought for a minute that I might have to commit myself (and have yet to fully take that off the table). See what the MSM can do to you! (half kidding)

- Then suddenly..... somehow... a word I had missed... "Pleiadians" (dont run!!!)

- The night I heard that word I googled, and I wiki'd and I youtubed and I googled some more - it lead me to more and more and more information and words I had never heard before.... and the whole time all I could think was "HOW DID I MISS THIS" ... how oblivious am I to be so interested in Ancient Astronaut theory, and UFO's in general that I had no idea there were Pleiadians - now being as skeptical as I am, given my history with disinformation (particularly in the religious sense, which is the whole point of all of this) - I didn't believe everything I read - in fact they almost lost me completely when I read the word "Draconian" cause I freakin saw that movie...

- BUT!!!!! -

- they talked about levels of existance, dimensions, consciousness - originally they said there were 12, but somewhere else they claimed to have just discovered a 13th, and thats where they believe God is... they said that each level of consciousness is only aware of a few that are surrounding it - which leads me to believe if there's a 13th, there could be a 14th, 15th, 16th and "God" could be on any of these levels that are above us - and it never really has to end or begin.

- This lead me to think .. the reason God never heard me, the reason he was never present in my life, is because he's unaware of our plight in general. There is a God, but we're ants to him, if we even EXIST to him.
....
....

- Now at this realization I have no choice but to open my mind to the possibility that there is a creator. Perhaps not an immediate one, but somewhere in a long line of succession. Even if it did crawl out of primordial ooze. It's bigger than me, and bigger than I can understand.

- And suddenly, the words "I'm cracking up" changed to "Go with God" - and all I could hear was "Go with God" over and over..

- Then Suddenly, There was Adam.

- I couldn't believe it, there he was, after 20 years I had not spoken to him. Remember he had all the answers back in the day. We only had one conversation, during which he says to me "guess what, 3 months ago I converted to ROMAN CATHOLIC"..... WTF
....
....
!!!!

- IF there is a God, and IF he's aware of my presense in any way, shape, or form, and he wants my attention - there was NO better way of doing it than sending Adam back to me, the epitome of Paganism, as a Roman Catholic - thats just a message I couldn't ignore.

- I told him this too, and he said I should not give him (or anyone) that much power. But what he doesn't understand, and maybe you can, is that he always had the power. I had no choice in the matter.

- Now I have no doubt in my mind that there is something... Perhaps its not the "God" of the bible (I'll never believe that), or any defintion that we're aware of... but something is leading me in this direction. My atheist son tells me if I look for signs I'll find them but in being completely honest with myself, I wasn't looking for God - God found me.

- 8 days ago I turned 37. The economy being the way it is, I didn't expect anything, and I generally don't like to celebrate birthdays anyway. I tend to believe a gift means more if its given randomly, not on specific holidays because some marketing concept tells you that you should. I did get one gift though.
My xtian sons best friend bought me a bible, and invited me to go to church with him. I had not discussed any of this with him so in my mind it was like a 3rd sign that something is to be learned there. Something is guiding me in that direction.

- So there it is. There is God.

- Now before anyone (including myself) jumps to conclusions, please know that until Friday I had NO IDEA what HAARP was, and my ideas regarding HAARP, which I googled, and wiki'd, and youtubed, and googled again for the majority of Friday and Saturday - lead me to believe that I should be very cautious in my newfound discovery/defintion of God, but I'm still trying to figure out if that fits in or not, to me it seems like some kind of warning to be careful is all I can say at this time... but all these things happening in such a short amount of time... you speculate. I continue to speculate.

- Meanwhile, the voice in my head has stopped.

- If nothing else, I have a moment of peace. Thank God! (no pun intended, really) If only in the form of temporary peace, God exists. And of course I'm still open to the possibility that next week I'll learn something else, that changes my way of thinking, but I'm pretty sure anything I accept as truth from here out will include this understanding. I still believe the Bible is wrong, and I still believe religion is a cult that picks and chooses whats included in those writings. That has nothing to do with God. My understanding of God at this point is that he is an enlightened entity that we cannot comprehend. I'm still a work in progress for additional information.

- Thanks for listening.

wow, so much to take in, you are most certainty on the road, the mountain stands before though i feel you have already climbed some of the way up. The real questions i want to ask if you dont mind me being so presumptive, is are you really searching for god?
or are you searching for yourself, the parts that you need to feel whole.
You say that Adam said not to give him or anybody that much power, but maybe what is really being said is dont give your power away. maybe the answers aren't in another dimension, as i believe god is here, it is you just as much as it anybody else, we are all parts of the same thing..
You seek god further ut, in higher and higher dimensions, the 15th, 16th and so on, but the true fact is the real word and power of god is already inside you, you are the power.
But having said that, there is nothing wrong with choosing to be part of a church, its a great networking chance, and you get many friends on the same road as you.
there is no right or wrong path to god, there just is paths.. all paths lead to Rome so to speak..
te biggest thing that stops me from being a Christian is i don't believe Jesus is the only way to god.. thats it.
so if you you believe you need to give your power and love to him to get to yourself, then thats ok. but ask yourself if as the sister of Jesus, do i have the same right to go to god as my father, just as Jesus did.

peace, and travel well, my thoughts and feelings go out to you

reply to post by sprocket2cog


I was not looking for God. I have always been able to argue for or against intelligent design, but I believed that "God" as described throughout religion and in the bible, is a man-made concept designed strictly to answer the questions that man is too proud to say he doesn't know the answers to. In fact, I still believe this to be true throughout mainstream religion. In the past (mostly to avoid religious debate) I would simply say, I do believe in God, but I don't believe he's sentient, I believe he's nature, and the nature of things that we don't understand. But now I'm feeling that God is aware, simply because he "poked" me.

Where I am now.... its like the signs are being shoved down my throat. It isn't about finding answers for me because I'm very happy to say "I don't know" if i don't know something. Rewind 5000 years, people crawling around the desert talking about "why is the sky blue", "cause god made it blue" - today people know why the sky is blue but I don't know I just take it for granted that it is (also maybe cause they did tell me why it was blue years ago, I just didn't care).

God in my life at this point I'm thinking.... its spirituality with a brain. As I said I'm still defining what that is, but I think.... it has taken on a consciousness (or has always had it) that I've never known before.

It DOES come from me, but I'm starting to see it as purposeful. For example I always believed that I'm in control of my life, and although I do still believe that, I feel like for the first time I'm being told, that even MY choices are being guided by an unseen force.

I am considering visiting church - though I will never go back to the one I grew up with - I now entertain the probability (not possibility) that those people were just narrow minded and not all people are like that.

I don't want to spew another novel here. I hope this answers your question.

reply to post by Forevever


Thanks for that, yes i understand where you are coming from , you use the colour of the sky as an example that you dont need or want know everything,
I understand this as i wouldn't want to understand everything either, or the ride would be very boring..
I hope you get where your going, and im glad to have crossed paths with you in this lifetime.
As for writing another lengthy post, well it is your thread, and i would love to read more if you do decide to share
after all the story is the fun part
Oh and by the way, just as a matter of disclosure, im a converted Roman catholic, now a pagan....isnt it weird how the world works.

reply to post by sprocket2cog


I'm also glad I'm running into the people that I am lately - it seems important

I dig your signature quote - another interesting connection - we both use the word Chaos - I guess its easily written off, not really an uncommon word - but I can't write off that I noticed it

I adopted the name Forever in 1997, and took the last name of Chaos in 1999 (I hesitate to use the word "pseudonym" because I consider it my real name), have used it ever since. I learned that Chaos is the hidden truth in order. I like that idea.

and in case you were wondering - I believe Forever is the concept that we can take what is in this "now" into the future "now" - that "now" is all that exists, and therefore everything is Forever.

reply to post by Forevever

I must admit i failed to notice your signature, but yes we are very much on the same wave length.
i was always looking for order and control to make my life better, then one day i decided to just jump on into the abyss (another word sometimes used for chaos in mythology) and have a much better grasp on the fundamentals of life now.
its funny how the things we seek are often found in the complete opposite places then we expect them to be.
to find life, i had to face the trials of death, the death of the ego, by claiming the chaos i found the order of things seemed to revile themselves from the behind the veil .
With out chaos there can never be perfection or order, as to take one away would negate the need for the other.
but im sure you have an understanding on this as well

we were, we are and we will be, there is just the moment. the time is now.
i agree with you there
there is no past or future or present...there just is..

Sadly I didn't read much about any mention of the Holy Bible within your thread. You must know everything we know about God comes from the Bible, and not so much google.

Without any form of searching the scripture seeking God, I find it hard to believe it was the God of the Bible that "poked" you. There are many other beings out there that could have poked you just as well.

The ONLY way God talks with us in this age is through his finished Word. Without that, I would chalk everything else up to a bad pizza the night before, with respect.

reply to post by KJV1611


But this assumes that the bible is the only word of god..and that christians are they only ones who can really understand god...
There is so much out there that pre-dates that book, by word of mouth. hieroglyphics etc..
im glad you have your path
im glad i have mine ..
have you researched other types of belief like the birth from chaos and how it relates to the bible ?
there is so much to learn my friend, even if you choose not to believe it, you should at least take the time to look at it if you havent already.. you never know where god will speak to you from..
and the only way god talks to you is though his finished word ( the bible i take it..) but how can you assume that others dont talk to him in other ways..?
isnt that what a preist does? commune with god?
surely we can be like that as well, after all they are humans in gods image just as we are.
peace.

I'd recommend being skeptical of your own perception. I've personal experienced the spirit(energy, entity, whatever you want to call it) of 11:11, and I still don't believe in that.

Also remember that a bad lifestyle isn't a result of bad religion. You can guide yourself with other standards than that. Smoking for example, I quit because I no longer needed to, and it was bad for me. I rely on feeling for others and looking for cost-benefits for my moral decisions. Maybe you've gotten over that teenage mentality that anything's ok if god's out of the picture already, but remember there's other routes to have have a more wholesome life.

But, follow whatever feels right and logical to you. The fact that you're actively thinking about it and willing to be skeptical, is admirable. I'll wholesomely respect any beliefs reached that way.

Originally posted by KJV1611
Sadly I didn't read much about any mention of the Holy Bible within your thread. You must know everything we know about God comes from the Bible, and not so much google.

Actually I have read the bible back at a time when I was actively trying to find "God" - its pretty ridiculous if you sit down and read it cover to cover. I do not, nor will I ever accept the bible as THE word of god. Consider first that its written by people. Consider second that it wasn't written by the people it talks about, but by people who heard about these events in stories passed down. Then consider that it was PEOPLE, not just one person - too many hands in the soup, as they say. Furthermore consider all the books of the bible that are left completely out of the well known King James version. At the very least its "incomplete interpretation".

I won't say there's no truth in it, I won't say that none of Gods words are in it, in fact, its a hell of a good book of life lessons, full of guidance. And if you remove pretty much the entire old testament, has a great message. But so are a lot of things that are written by our species today. Doesn't make them THE word of God.

God is a personal experience by anyones standards. Mine current experience is understanding that its sentient. Although I'm gifted "free will", my will is affected by people. What I'm coming to understand is that its not only affected by people, but that those people who affect me are there for a reason. Its implying to me an underlying fabric of intent. I never believed anything happens for a reason, I always believed it was all chaos and that we choose our own paths. Now I think our paths are being guided. I call the guidance "God".

Originally posted by xxsomexpersonxx
I'd recommend being skeptical of your own perception. I've personal experienced the spirit(energy, entity, whatever you want to call it) of 11:11, and I still don't believe in that.

I have also experienced the "power" of 11:11 - the reason I don't believe in it however, is because as a human we're inclined to look for patterns that do not exist. My current experience has no pattern.

Also remember that a bad lifestyle isn't a result of bad religion. You can guide yourself with other standards than that. Smoking for example, I quit because I no longer needed to, and it was bad for me. I rely on feeling for others and looking for cost-benefits for my moral decisions. Maybe you've gotten over that teenage mentality that anything's ok if god's out of the picture already, but remember there's other routes to have have a more wholesome life.

I wholeheartedly agree, but I didn't bring in other experiences because this was intended to show how I arrived at the "God" conclusion. There was a time when I blamed God for the bad things that happened to me but I threw out that opinion when I threw out god. What I think I'm realizing now is that it is true, he is part of the bad people. They are also being lead on their paths with the explicit purpose of affecting mine and others. I realize the conundrum but even Jeffrey Dahmer was allowed to confess, thereby gaining access to "Heaven's Gate" (no cult joke intended I swear!!) - I propose that, just to make a point, I really don't believe in Heaven or Hell.

But, follow whatever feels right and logical to you. The fact that you're actively thinking about it and willing to be skeptical, is admirable. I'll wholesomely respect any beliefs reached that way.

Much appreciated thats the kind of attitude I was hoping to get. I think its important to see that I am arriving at these ideas through personal experience, from a purely skeptical point of view, and not because someone is brainwashing me into it.

reply to post by sprocket2cog

But this assumes that the bible is the only word of god..and that christians are they only ones who can really understand god...

I don't assume this, the Bible itself says just this.

There is so much out there that pre-dates that book, by word of mouth. hieroglyphics etc..
im glad you have your path

im glad i have mine ..
have you researched other types of belief like the birth from chaos and how it relates to the bible ?
there is so much to learn my friend, even if you choose not to believe it, you should at least take the time to look at it if you havent already.. you never know where god will speak to you from..

I have looked into almost every religion out there. Many different scientific theories as well. Non come close to the perfect sense and easily understood plan of the Bible, in my opinion of course.

and the only way god talks to you is though his finished word ( the bible i take it..) but how can you assume that others dont talk to him in other ways..?

I don't talk to him through his Bible, he talks to me through it. I talk to God by pray, BECAUSE Jesus made a way for me to talk to him directly.

isnt that what a preist does? commune with god?
surely we can be like that as well, after all they are humans in gods image just as we are.
peace.

I am a priest according to the Biblical definition of a priest. Not the catholic fraud version.

Revelation 1:5-6
"And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth. Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood,
And hath made us KINGS AND PRIESTS unto God and his Father; to him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen."

If you come to God through Jesus Christ, you can talk with him, and He will hear you. Come unto God through any other way and God will not hear you:

John 10:1-30

1 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that entereth not by the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber.
2 But he that entereth in by the door is the shepherd of the sheep.
3 To him the porter openeth; and the sheep hear his voice: and he calleth his own sheep by name, and leadeth them out.
4 And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice.
5 And a stranger will they not follow, but will flee from him: for they know not the voice of strangers.
6 This parable spake Jesus unto them: but they understood not what things they were which he spake unto them.
7 Then said Jesus unto them again, Verily, verily, I say unto you, I am the door of the sheep.
8 All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers: but the sheep did not hear them.
9 I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture.
10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.
11 I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.
12 But he that is an hireling, and not the shepherd, whose own the sheep are not, seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth the sheep, and fleeth: and the wolf catcheth them, and scattereth the sheep.
13 The hireling fleeth, because he is an hireling, and careth not for the sheep.
14 I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine.
15 As the Father knoweth me, even so know I the Father: and I lay down my life for the sheep.
16 And other sheep I have, which are not of this fold: them also I must bring, and they shall hear my voice; and there shall be one fold, and one shepherd.
17 Therefore doth my Father love me, because I lay down my life, that I might take it again.
18 No man taketh it from me, but I lay it down of myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again. This commandment have I received of my Father.
19 There was a division therefore again among the Jews for these sayings. 20 And many of them said, He hath a devil, and is mad; why hear ye him?
21 Others said, These are not the words of him that hath a devil. Can a devil open the eyes of the blind?
22 And it was at Jerusalem the feast of the dedication, and it was winter.
23 And Jesus walked in the temple in Solomon's porch.
24 Then came the Jews round about him, and said unto him, How long dost thou make us to doubt? If thou be the Christ, tell us plainly.
25 Jesus answered them, I told you, and ye believed not: the works that I do in my Father's name, they bear witness of me.
26 But ye believe not, because ye are not of my sheep, as I said unto you.
27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:
28 And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.
29 My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand.
30 I and my Father are one.
31 Then the Jews took up stones again to stone him.
32 Jesus answered them, Many good works have I shewed you from my Father; for which of those works do ye stone me?
33 The Jews answered him, saying, For a good work we stone thee not; but for blasphemy; and because that thou, being a man, makest thyself God.

reply to post by KJV1611


WEll, im guessing you feel that you need to convert or save my soul to please either god,jesus or yourself.
im guessing you think im ignorant of the bible..
im guessing from your name, king james version....
but its all good, im glad you have your way.
just as you should be glad i have mine.
The problem is, im one of the others, a child of another god, so my place isnt in the heaven of your god, but as you know the bible so well, you understand exactly where im coming from with this...
i dont follow in the steps of the Abrahamic religions, so as you see, i dont need to go to heaven, in my mind, heaven is already here, its how we live here that matters..
and yes in my climb up the mountain, i didnt take the sheep track, im a human... not an animal.
freewill and all that you know.
thanks for the conversation, peace in your journey, travel well.

reply to post by sprocket2cog


Thanks for you time
________

Originally posted by KJV1611
reply to post by sprocket2cog

 

Thanks for you time

No problem, i hope you find everything you seek,
my respect and good wishes, if only a few more people had the same conviction as yourself.

reply to post by Forevever


"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him."