Surviving Horror Movies....

This is my half rant half jest...

We recently had satellite installed and my husband found the "Chiller" channel. Horror movies 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Due to a back injury he has been home for almost 2 weeks... which means I have seen more bad horror movies (where the plot is the only truly frightening thing about them) than I can name. I feel like I may create my own scary movie if I have to watch Motel Hell one more time.

Today as I sat here staring at the tv in a catatonic state, drool dripping from my chin as brain cells start jumping ship, I had a revelation.

These movies promote idiocy. Even the semi entertaining flicks usually have me screaming at the tv like a drunk redneck during a WWF showdown.

If any of you have ever given advice through the tv to some idiot that keeps tripping while trying to elude certain death... you know what I mean.

Common sense would tell folks (since these seem to be done in almost every other film)...

This is my "How To Stay Alive" advice.

*If your car breaks down in the middle of a cornfield with a creepy scarecrow standing watch directly after you met 5 weird inbred mechanics at the local gas station and something scurries under your car...

Don't get out of the car to inspect it. even though the urge may be overwhelming, ignore it. If you leave the car and get too close to the cornfield you will die.

*If you are camping way out in the woodlands and come upon a foggy pond surrounded by nature...

Do not skinny dip. We understand that primal urges strike at odd times, especially with your best friend's girlfriend. But if you give into temptation to strip and swim, atleast one of you will be pulled under water and killed. The other will let out blood curdling screams that nobody will hear, even if they are only 20 feet away.

*If you are looking for help on a desserted back road and arrive at a run down house that looks abandoned...

Do not enter it and make yourself at home. Especially do not enter if you are drunk or high. Despite the 2 inches of dust coating everything, the residents are at home. While searching the house, do not feel free to have relations with your girlfriend on the nasty mattress. Again, we understand that being lost and scared makes your primal urge the first thing on your mind. But this will get you killed also. Usually your death will occur right before or right after the deed. Then your partner will die before she can even scream.

*If the "jock" of the group of 5 suggests splitting up into groups...

Just go ahead and kill him yourself. Save time, leave him for the killer/killers. Anyone who suggests splitting up is too stupid to live anyway. If you ignore this, be aware that both couples will die. The 5th person (3rd wheel) is the only one with a fighting chance to survive.

*If you have to run through the woods to escape deadly doom...

Quit screaming and crying. Then remove your high heels (if applicable). The more you scream and cry, the more tree stumps/roots you will fall over. This gives the killer (who is all but crawling) a chance to catch up to you. Ignore the fact that it appears your killer seems to be moving at a snail's pace. This is an optical illusion and before you know it he will be in front of you holding a sharp object that you will impale yourself on.

*If you managed to shoot or stab your killer...

Do not throw down your weapon in celebration or collapse in tears. The killer is not dead. Even though half of his head is gone, he never dies the first time. And usually he gets up stronger than ever. Hold on to your gun/knife for atleast the next 2 weeks. You never know.

*If you go whitewater rafting and hear banjo music...

Run far and fast. Nobody wants to squeal like a pig and if you offend the locals you will die.

*If it takes your husband more than 30 minutes to get a few pieces of firewood...

Do not go in search of him. He is already dead. While that is tragic, there really is no need to accompany him to the "other side". Don't let your dog search either... the killer is not too picky obviously.

*If your child sees dead people or starts talking to people who are not there...

Move. And if you can, leave the child behind. The killer really only wants it and you can go home free without being harmed or killed.

These movies drive me crazy. I am constantly on the lookout for a truly scary movie that is not stereotypical of victims being stupid. I guess then it might not be as fun if I don't have to yell at the tv.

Does anyone else do/notice this? Who else does the eye roll when the actress trips 5,000 times going up the stairs?

reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe




Best rant I've read all year! Love the advice, but if everyone took it, we'd never have such mad movies to entice posts such as this to brighten up a gloomy day!!

reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe




also...If you're a black dude, just run. They'll kill you off first.

reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe


Excellent. Well written, & beautifully executed.

Thank you for the laugh (It is a deep breathe of fresh air to read something with clear I.Q/Logic behind it for a change, even if a 'horror-flick-rant'.

A few recommendations:

The Shining (surprise!)
The Changeling
Suspiria
The Haunting in Conneticut
Picnic at Hanging rock

Originally posted by badw0lf
reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe

 

Best rant I've read all year!

Love the advice, but if everyone took it, we'd never have such mad movies to entice posts such as this to brighten up a gloomy day!!

Any time I can stick it to the man or a gloomy day I am doing alright.

Originally posted by dude69
reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe

 

also...If you're a black dude, just run. They'll kill you off first.

You are absolutely correct! I would prefer the loudest screaming girl go first... I guess eye candy comes before ear torture.

Originally posted by MavRck
reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe

 

Excellent. Well written, & beautifully executed.

Thank you for the laugh

(It is a deep breathe of fresh air to read something with clear I.Q/Logic behind it for a change, even if a 'horror-flick-rant'.

A few recommendations:

The Shining (surprise!)
The Changeling
Suspiria
The Haunting in Conneticut
Picnic at Hanging rock

Ahh. I am glad I could make you laugh. You also have good taste in movies. I liked The Shining. I loved the book even more. Stephen King is a master horror writer. His books are always more detailed and scary than the films. The Changeling had the twist that I enjoy, and The Haunting in Conneticut was eerily good! I will have to check out the other two since your taste in the others falls in line with what I like.

Thanks for the recommendations.

I love the Chiller Network!!!

I was just talking about this network last night in chat.

I LOVE IT! I love horror movies and sci-fi and well since Sci-Fi went to SyFy, Chiller has taken over. They have some really good and creepy movies and they show all the old horror/sci-fi shows. I love it!

I remember FearNet and when they took that channel off..I was NOT happy, then they gave me Chiller and I forgave them...

I literally have Chiller on 75% of the time. They always have something on...Although I was pissed they moved my Buffy Sundays to midnight

Surviving horror movies:

When a killer is coming at you at a walking pace with a hatchet DO NOT run upstairs and lock yourself in the bathroom...

I have also learned to NEVER EVER go near a corn field....The sight of them causes me to panic!

Oh and if you think he/she is dead chances are they arent!

reply to post by mblahnikluver


Noooo! Never lock yourself in the bathroom. I agree. That door is never strong enough...

I never saw Fear net, but have heard of it. My husband would have probably really loved it!