Letter to my love. Is love a choice?

Dear xxxxxx,

I’m sitting here thinking about life, and where I am in mine… Well, actually I was thinking about what I was going to do with my night, and the thought of boredom set in. I was alone, waiting for you. So, this is how the thinking about life part began.

Immediately, after the thoughts, I had to start typing, in just a few seconds of deep thought the picture in my mind had to be explained. I didn’t want to forget it, so I felt like writing it down now.

I started to think about where I am, who I am, and what I want and the harsh reality what I really think is possible for me in this world. Ok, I’m adding a little extra in the edits and afterthought, but I wanted it to be fun to read. Anyway, I really enjoy what I do and know I really have the IQ or smarts to excel in a monetary or material way. The problem for me is that I don’t really desire those things in life at all. Rich men that I have worked with or were people in my life used to tell me how successful people are just responsible in general, and the things they did to get where they were are just part of the process.

Back then, I believed what they had said, but this made me feel unsuccessful at times. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t allocate my resources correctly, or why I was always living check to check and developing no assets over time. I started to blame things, my upbringing, or the craziness I went through as a child. I used it as an excuse, or a crutch I carried around. It was something to think about, but I couldn’t decide if the problem was my actions or just who I was.

I gambled, drank, smoked, did hard drugs often, and thought this was how life was supposed to go, live to the fullest, avoid responsibility whenever possible. I was going to keep it simple, for as long as I could. This was my goal, the path of least resistance. So, I have kept this up for quite some time now.

As I sit here, xx years old, which in many cases is half a person’s life. I still question myself about everything I had done up to this point. Things like; just exactly why I think that love is the only thing of any value in this world, or why I believe so much in the universe’s fate for me. How I’ve always had my strange way of saying, and I’ll quote myself here. “I let love find me”. Or even as a late teenager/young adult, when my friends and I were going to parties. They would always try to set me up with girls to sleep with for the night. I used to say “There ain’t no love in it”. They would get a good laugh hearing me say it, and me saying that probably made it more fun for them to try to get me to drunk screw someone. Even as a 17-year old boy I said that, I really did. You can ask xxxx.

Those feelings have never changed, and every girl that has found her way into my life was there and is there and will be there because I believe in a power greater than my own soul can comprehend. Not the christian god Yahweh, or his son Jesus, No. I believe that this world is what it is today purely because of love. Attraction, +/-, the law of the universe is love. God is not independent of anything, it is the source of our ability to love. There could be no attraction, no life, or no love without god. God is Love, God is Good, are things taught in religious studies, but seriously lost in mankind’s execution of them.

Now, I don’t wanna get too “goody goody” on you. Because, you know I’m not all about doing exactly what is right every time. I live my karma, I trust it, and I breathe it. I shall be the person who my soul wishes to be. I will trust my intuitions about nearly anything. I will also expect bad luck, bad choices, and challenges that I am faced with that are self-induced or not. Life is a constant choice, and we must cherish our choices.

If life is love and if life is choice, then is love choice? This part of the question I have not been able to answer, yet. Maybe you can help me answer it. Maybe you can help me explain why I feel the way I do. Why I trust you so damn much and at the same time I’m so scared that I hardly know you. If love is a choice, then yes, I choose you. If love is not a choice, and the universe is more in control than we think, then it also chooses us to be together now.

In the togetherness of tonight, I shall worship you, I will adore your presence and admire your beauty. For now, I will again thank fate, for bringing you to me, and I shall ask fate one favor. Whenever you are far, allow for your safe passage back to me.

I love you dear,


xxxxx

I still feel the same. I have a 15 month old son now. Going through some rough relationship times. Figured I'd come back here and re-read this post.

Different girl nowadays....

I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.

Remember that you don't choose love; love chooses you. All you really can do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing then reach out and give it away