Michael Moore Addresses His Fans

by Michael Moore

My fellow Americans, devoted fans and valued consumers, I wanted to lay to rest some of the rumors you may have been hearing lately. Of course, anyone who revolutionizes film and print like I have is bound to make a few enemies along the way, and we both know I have many of those. Sometimes their criticism is warranted, sometimes not, so I want to set the record straight. According to my critics, I distort the truth in my books and films. This is absolutely true.

In fact, converting source material into art worthy of bearing my name requires such creative talent and effort that I have considered patenting my methods. Some of my finest, Oscar-winning documentary moments are so heavily edited, spliced and overdubbed that my production staff and I sometimes spent days just trying to perfect that one six-second transition to make it seem like one of my "victims" was actually saying something he never really said. Film is as magical as it is powerful!

Another favorite of mine is showing you one thing while talking about another, and sequencing scenes in such a way that you are led to believe they are somehow related, when in fact they are not. This really has an impact when my art gives you the impression that two events happened one right after the other, when, in fact, they may have occured months or years apart. I do that all the time, it's my trademark. Of course, that's not as bad as using staged scenes and representing them as not being staged (which I also routinely do), and there are so many other ways I distort the truth to fit my evil and self-serving purposes, but then, who really cares, anyway?

The truth, my dear, valued, brainwashed and oh-so-easily-manipulated customers is that I have lied to you again and again, and that the very foundation of my work -- its very reason for being, from concept to closing credits -- is to deceive you into believing things that are just plain false.

That's right, I am a big, fat liar! My critics are telling the truth about me, every single one of them. Even though I say THEY are lying, we both know, deep in our hearts, that it's really just me that's lying. I have been lying my whole life, and I am really good at it. I even lie about lying. It's my special power. If I were a superhero, I would be "Liarman". I would still be fat, but at least I would be able to fly, and spread lies with superhuman speed! I would crush you all like bugs.

But really, what is a lie? What is truth? The answer is amazingly simple: they are exactly what I tell you they are. If I say something is true, it IS true. If I say it's a lie, it IS a lie. I am the source of all truth and all lies, because, in the end, it's all about me, and nobody else but me. You love my work, and you love me, because I am better than you. That's right! I'm smarter, richer and even better-looking than you, which means you must really be a mess, you pathetic, bleating little sheep. Believe it, because it's the truth!

While I'm on the subject of truth, I should also point out that I am a high-ranking member of Al Qaeda, and have been for years. I wholeheartedly support terrorism and think everyone in America should be slowly decapitated (I'll pay for the videotape), preferably with a dull, rusty, capitalist-produced Ginsu knife. I also demand, once every last American is dead, that the land America sits on be given back to the dinosaurs, who are really the ones who legally owned it before it was stolen by the Indians. I am also a member of the American Nazi party, worship the Devil (who I call "Uncle Luke") and love to torture small, furry animals. Sometimes, instead of torturing them, I just shoot them with one of the guns from my collection of over 300 exotic, unlicensed and illegal firearms.

NOW GET OUT THERE AND VOTE!

Sincerely yours,

Michael Moore



EDITOR'S NOTE: All of the words attributed to Michael Moore in this article and disclaimer have been publicly spoken, written, published or read (either silently or out loud) in whole or in part by him at various times, sometimes singly or as parts of sentences which may not appear in their entirety here, and have been edited for publication using some of the same creative editing techniques and applying some of the same ethical, professional and technical standards used by Mr. Moore in his film and literary works, with the sole exception of this disclaimer, which Mr. Moore would not have included had he actually written this article. Copyright � 2004 would have been explicitly waived by Michael Moore.

Majic's Comments: I saw this on another website, and thought it might stir things up here. Controversial? Sure. But when has Michael Moore ever been anything but controversial? For the record, I am a devoted fan of Michael Moore and his work, and am certain he would get a kick out of this article. And no, I am not posting this "knowing it is false" or to try to get banned. I just think it's funny! Some of you took it the wrong way, I think. Look at it from Michael Moore's point of view! I'll bet he laughs himself silly over this.

[edit on 7/16/2004 by Majic]

[edit on 7/16/2004 by Majic]

Moore is one of my favorite people, and he would absolutely laugh his fat a$$ off at this story. Very, very hilarious. Great post.

The more I think about it, the more I really think Michael Moore would want to see this send-up. I think it would have him in stitches, and it's free publicity! I know he likes that.

I wonder how to get it to his attention?

Originally posted by Majic
I wonder how to get it to his attention?

The link you posted already has all his departmental links under contacts.

But here's the super secret special one: [email protected]

Originally posted by Majic
by Michael Moore

EDITOR'S NOTE: All of the words attributed to Michael Moore in this article and disclaimer have been publicly spoken, written, published or read (either silently or out loud) in whole or in part by him at various times, sometimes singly or as parts of sentences which may not appear in their entirety here, and have been edited for publication using some of the same creative editing techniques and applying some of the same ethical, professional and technical standards used by Mr. Moore in his film and literary works, with the sole exception of this disclaimer, which Mr. Moore would not have included had he actually written this article. Copyright � 2004 would have been explicitly waived by Michael Moore.

Majic's Comments: I saw this on another website, and thought it might be appreciated in this particular forum. Controversial? Perhaps. But when has Michael Moore ever been anything but controversial? Submitted for your consideration. For the record, I am a devoted fan of Michael Moore and his work, and am certain he would get a kick out of this article.

Excuse me, but you have provided a link to Michael Moore's website, and this material does not appear on his website. You have knowingly posted false information on this forum. That is grounds for banning. The Editor's Note is similarly false, unless interpreted to mean that at some time, Moore has said each of these individual words.

If any moderators are reading this, you should ban Majic immediately.

Well, technically I pretty much just copied and pasted it in, and technically, the link isn't really false, since it does point to a website that is "by Michael Moore".

But of course I think it's fair to guess that he didn't really write this article, although I wouldn't put it past him. Of course there's plenty of other things in the articel that are not true as well, althou I think it would be hard to list them all. Still, I don't actually know what is false in this thing.

As far as I can tell, the "Editor's Note" is so full of weasel words that it's probably true in a weird sort of way.

So I really don't feel like I knowingly posted anything false to the forum, per se (although I did expect a reaction) and really try to be honest about things.

RANT: I seriously doubt Mike reads email from that addressz, or anyone. He probably gets more email than the Whitehouse. It would cost a fortune to hire people to read that stuff. I bet it goes straight to /dev/null.

I'll see if I can find another way to get this to him, I think he'll love it!

Basically, the discalimer at the bottom of the post says "I made this up". I don't think everybody understood that at first. perhaps this should have been more obvious.

... which sort of makes it pointless.

woot, now lets go boycott some ketchup for the good of america.


The curren't tos won't let my express my true opinon of the thread starter.

attention whore much?

Yeah when I first read it I was like WTF? I guess that's what makes it "funny', because you don't get it until the "Editors Note". Oh well I thought it was sort of funny in a sick sort fo way.

I think Mike would like it AND like the publicity. Seems a lot like something he might say.

Originally posted by Lysergic
The curren't tos won't let my express my true opinon of the thread starter.

Glad to know you still don't have anything nice to say about anyone. Hate for you to break the tradition.

attention whore much?

Don't be jealous, your job is still safe. Oh wait...maybe you're "drama queen". Sorry, my mistake.

Drama Queen? Show me the fainting couch!

Well I was at Mike's website, and looking at some of the articles he posts there, I'm pretty sure he would post this if he could. Some of the stuff people write about him that he posts at his site are so mean, nasty and not funny that I have to imagine he would post this if he saw it.

When I first read this, the first part fooled me, I just thought he was being sarcastic. Then about the middle I was thinking "here we go again. how childish." until I got to the end. I almost didn't finish it, because it was getting so stupid, like a child wrote it. I gotta admit I laughed like hell after I saw the note though.

Cheap shots don't seem to bother him much. They only make him stronger. Buahahahaa!

I still think he would get a kick out of this.


[edit on 7/16/2004 by Majic]

Okay, I edited my comments a little, hopefully that will clear some things up. I did not edit the original "message from Michael Moore" and don't want to be censored.

If you don't like this joke, say why. I still think it is funny, especially the first time you read it, because you don't know it's a joke yet. It fooled me the first time. I think it has a good punch line. I think it could be good publicity for Michael Moore, because his enemies hate him so much, it's news!

So unless the moderators pull the thread, I stand by this post, and I say it is funny, and I think if Michael Moore saw it, he would think it was funny too.

Heck, I've seen LOTS worse posts than this! If you hadn't figured out it was a lampoon after the first few lines, you've got some serious blinders on.

It's funny, and ALMOST believable.

With the work Mike has put out over the years, he certainly shouldn't complain about something like this.

Excellent post, didn't fool me for a minute.

The splicing and editing technics used by Moore's team is highly effective, and I am unsure as to why people keep highlighting this point, when most documentaries wanting to make any point employ the exact same tactics, in fact, there is not a day goes by when I don't see the exact same tactics employed by most news agencies.

I've yet to see Moore go to the same extent Bush has, like falsifying a public forum where he got a standing ovation and actually employed a legitimate newscaster to make it appear like a legimate news cast.

donguillermo - Grow up, and take the thread for what it is.

I actually thought more of Bush while reading it. It seems to have more in common with our delusional leader, at the moment.