Price of being Awaken part 2

Hey ATS it's been a while since i posted anything. For those of you that read my part 1 of this thread you already know exactly how I feel. Well the bad news is that things seem to be exactly the way they were when i first posted on this. More ups then downs and I'm really started to let go of everything slowly. I appreciate all the advice i received over the last couple of months but nothing seems to help. I'm suffering but do not want to cry out because i know nothing can save me from this feeling. I feel unappreciated, defenseless, a total failure that turns down every opportunity i get. I'm scared of the future but the past seems worse, What I'm I holding on for? What I'm i waiting for?..........I have no idea. A couple of years ago suicide was just a thought, Until i finally had enough and attempted it two weeks ago. They put me in the High dependency unit with poison control IV's in me for a week. I recall the nurses asking me why i did it....and if it was a cry for help. Was it? Well i don't exactly expect anyone to help me so the answer to that question was simple. I must admit when i lay there on the first night i felt kind of guilty and kept thinking about my younger brother and my girlfriend. Looking back at it now it seems like I was just being selfish. Every week now i got to go for blood tests to check my organs (painkiller overdose)...I'm not even bothered to go back. I'm don't even know what to expect posting this but the typical comments....."your crazy", "seek medical help", "go see a psychiatrist".......I just had to get this out.

Peace,
Serizawa the beast.

I have felt your pain in myself many many days. When I feel like this I go deep insdie myself, I ask me, I see reality why dont they? One factor foresure, I would never ever end my life, because those of us who see the true are here to guide the ones who sleep, cant see, unaware. Please do not wallow in self pitty, bring your mind to others. Yes most will call you crazy, eventually seeing the truth. stay strong, dont let your awareness take you out. Your ok really, peace

reply to post by Serizawa
I dont think your crazy, i just wish i could say something to make you feel better. I had a serious illness a few years ago and i nearly lost my life, i couldnt imagine then and now what it would be like to not be here. Im sorry to sound cliched but were pretty lucky in the western world to have what we have, ( i know that wont make you feel a whole lot better). Tell me, after you took the tablets, were you found or did you go to the hospital yourself.

The way i look at life is do not ever commit suicide. Your the one who has to make yourself get up in the morning and do something. You have to find things you like doing whether its without people or not, and take a commitment to do them.

One of the first things you have to accept is no one will do this for you as no one cares enough in this world. Its harsh but you have to get up and do it yourself. Trust me i know, i have been called everything under sun, and have spent 19 years trying to live a life while uk police have been trying to destroy it.

There is not much a web board can tell you, but you should never give up, the world is full of scum that would love that.

I find exercise helps alot with feeling down. The only think you can do is find things you want to do, no matter how trivial, go and do them, lift your spirits, this is key.

reply to post by prexparte

I tried that for 8 years only to recently realize that i cannot save the world. I can't even save myself....I'm disgusted with what i see in the mirror. I've lost all self esteem....every now and then i meet people that used to school with me and looked up to me, admired me.....and now it seems they're better off then me. They ask me if I'm OK and say i changed I'm not the same person i used to be, they end up joking about it. I find it extremely hard to socialize these days.

reply to post by thedoctorswife

I've been sick for about 4/5 years now, Doctors can't seem to find out what's wrong with me. My girlfriend knows I'm always sick. She called me later on that night and i was on the floor lying down in pain when i answered the call, She thought i was just sick and convinced me to go to the hospital, I only did it for her.

Originally posted by Serizawa
Hey ATS it's been a while since i posted anything. For those of you that read my part 1 of this thread you already know exactly how I feel. Well the bad news is that things seem to be exactly the way they were when i first posted on this. More ups then downs and I'm really started to let go of everything slowly. I appreciate all the advice i received over the last couple of months but nothing seems to help. I'm suffering but do not want to cry out because i know nothing can save me from this feeling. I feel unappreciated, defenseless, a total failure that turns down every opportunity i get. I'm scared of the future but the past seems worse, What I'm I holding on for? What I'm i waiting for?..........I have no idea. A couple of years ago suicide was just a thought, Until i finally had enough and attempted it two weeks ago. They put me in the High dependency unit with poison control IV's in me for a week. I recall the nurses asking me why i did it....and if it was a cry for help. Was it? Well i don't exactly expect anyone to help me so the answer to that question was simple. I must admit when i lay there on the first night i felt kind of guilty and kept thinking about my younger brother and my girlfriend. Looking back at it now it seems like I was just being selfish. Every week now i got to go for blood tests to check my organs (painkiller overdose)...I'm not even bothered to go back. I'm don't even know what to expect posting this but the typical comments....."your crazy", "seek medical help", "go see a psychiatrist".......I just had to get this out.

Peace,
Serizawa the beast.

The system is in your head. The mirror you look in(world), does not match your need.
Your need is simple.

Do what you want, no worries all the time.

You've always bin lived, you must learn this, this is your religion, dont do that.
You must work, you must pay, always running after meaningless things that keep you away of really expressing yourself.
Everybody around you are so hooked in the system. My career this, ,my career that. Yes its a Tommy Hilfinger jacket(ohw i must have one to, I am so jealous )
For years and years you keep bumping these obstacles, and now when you get older you see that your whole life is bin ruled by criminals. Pope-governments/banksters etc.
Now being motivated to achieve great things is even more being lowered.
Why so much difference, why so much suffering.

So if your feelings have their sprung out of my story, then no you are okey.
Why do we even have to pay for a planet where we are born on?

I have a more difficult time now to, but nothing can get me on my knees. Its all about focus, focus with your real needs. Your real need is how you feel, that is key in how you look at life.

Dont eat constantly negative things, force yourself to concentrate doing things that make you happier.
There are always things that make your heart beat faster, go do it. Because you start feeling better, and then life as it currently is is more easely to endure.
Focus.
All your problems origin by the system that was already in place even before your were born.

Kings? Queens? Religious leaders? Governments? and the tentacles thy spread in your food, school your whole life??

Dont let them win, and yes dont be selfish. You are one of us.
Your time will come, its all about how you feel. Do something that makes your heart beat.

I am with you, now get strong.

If there's one thing I've realized my true enemies are the people supposed to be closest to me, my family. Siblings can never be the same and while some of us are trying to mend this broken family, Some are pushing for its demise. Never been close to my family and all i ever consider myself to have in this world is a good small brother who looks up to me and it really hurts me for him to see me suffer. He's only 12, He's been talking about killing himself since he was 7 or 8....I find this extremely odd at his age. It seems like he's living the same life i lived watching the same things happen to my bigger brother. I always sit him down and tell him to keep his head up and that i won't always be here, That soon he would have his own life. Once again I realize the problem is my dysfunctional family, filled with greed, hate, anger and jealousy. He can't help but cry every time we talk on the phone, But my parents keep him away from me...claiming that I'm brainwashing him and they tell him not to copy me. My father has cancer and always calls me a failure because i wouldn't chase the money, fame and power like everyone else. They do not realize that money is the least of my worries or priorities, I don't want the fame or the power either.....I do not want to work for the worlds largest organizations. I do not want to study at the worlds best educational institutions. My whole life has been filled with negativity and hate, My past is dark. The guilt follows me and my mother reminds me that if anything happens to my dad, I am the cause of it. I have no choice for now but to move on and no longer associate myself with this 'family' anymore. Would i be selfish for cutting out communication with my smaller brother? Possibly....Will this lead to more guilt? Absolutely. How can I save the world if i can no longer save myself?. I've lost every damn thing i ever had and tried to chose love instead...a feeling that i had never experienced before, A feeling that was more painful than anything i ever felt before. I can no longer love anymore.......Never again, So once my relationship with my girlfriend withers and dies....so does my heart. I do not want to grow old feeling like this, But I do not want to be selfish and hurt the people that really care about me.

Even more important is.

Know that you have a heart-mind and a machine mind?
Your heart mind is only your feelings.
Your machine mind is your brain only.

example.
news.
There is only a 3% rise in deaths in comparison of last year. Most people think. Ohw thats not bad.
And you just move on.
But if you put your eyes on one of the people that died, you would cry. (if you are human)

So when you need to focus on how you feel, is really forcing your self to listen to your heart.
You know by know how your brain can take you over, and you keep thinking and thinking.
Dont think yourself into happiness, do what gets you there without thinking.

example.
Go rock-climbing with your girlfriend. Plan a complete day just to give your girlfriend a good time.
You will benefit from it feeling wise. Personally i feel great when somebody else has a good time due to my actions.

good bye brain- hello heart. (This will take force for a active time) Your brain is a computer, when you keep doing things, your brain makes an permanent connection. Then you can get hooked on feeling good.
Just like a smoker needs a new cigarette, you just need to feel good.

I know its not simple to do, but hey that's just a thought. Your feeling wants what i have wrote.
Hunt the feeling, or keep think everything broke.

grtz Richard

Originally posted by Serizawa
If there's one thing I've realized my true enemies are the people supposed to be closest to me, my family. Siblings can never be the same and while some of us are trying to mend this broken family, Some are pushing for its demise. Never been close to my family and all i ever consider myself to have in this world is a good small brother who looks up to me and it really hurts me for him to see me suffer. He's only 12, He's been talking about killing himself since he was 7 or 8....I find this extremely odd at his age. It seems like he's living the same life i lived watching the same things happen to my bigger brother. I always sit him down and tell him to keep his head up and that i won't always be here, That soon he would have his own life. Once again I realize the problem is my dysfunctional family, filled with greed, hate, anger and jealousy. He can't help but cry every time we talk on the phone, But my parents keep him away from me...claiming that I'm brainwashing him and they tell him not to copy me. My father has cancer and always calls me a failure because i wouldn't chase the money, fame and power like everyone else. They do not realize that money is the least of my worries or priorities, I don't want the fame or the power either.....I do not want to work for the worlds largest organizations. I do not want to study at the worlds best educational institutions. My whole life has been filled with negativity and hate, My past is dark. The guilt follows me and my mother reminds me that if anything happens to my dad, I am the cause of it. I have no choice for now but to move on and no longer associate myself with this 'family' anymore. Would i be selfish for cutting out communication with my smaller brother? Possibly....Will this lead to more guilt? Absolutely. How can I save the world if i can no longer save myself?. I've lost every damn thing i ever had and tried to chose love instead...a feeling that i had never experienced before, A feeling that was more painful than anything i ever felt before. I can no longer love anymore.......Never again, So once my relationship with my girlfriend withers and dies....so does my heart. I do not want to grow old feeling like this, But I do not want to be selfish and hurt the people that really care about me.

turn the other way, can not chance what is happend, So it can not effect your future.
You came here, cause you have feelings.

ABOUT YOUR LITTLE BROTHER. ITS KEY NOT TO LET HIM GO, YOUR HIS EXAMPLE.
BE THE LIGHT HE NEEDS, DONT MAKE THE CIRCLE ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND.

I have parallel life

reply to post by Serizawa


Wow hugs
O.K. from what I have read a lot of people have let you down including yourself. The past is the past and there are no rewind buttons. To say I know how you feel would be a lie because, I don't. I can see from your post that you are very in tune with your surroundings and your feelings. You seem very smart to me just reading what I have. I feel that other than venting here perhaps, you should find a way to exhaust yourself physically. Maybe running a punching bag or some zumba. No zumba isn't just for girls, my class has tons of guys. What I am trying to say here is you need to find a way to sort it all out and cast the heaviness aside. I feel if you don't do that and it continues to weigh on you, there will be no moving forward. Life will not change overnight and there are no guarantees but I wish you luck and love and happiness. I hope that hearing from some of us brings you some comfort my friend. PEACE

reply to post by piercebitchone


Like always all your advice is appreciated. I go to the gym 6 days a week, Used to play soccer and train in Muay Thai. Didn't make me feel any better......I get even more depressed and angry when I'm at the gym. I wish i could really spill my heart on this thread so everyone could really understand that it's not that simple. It's not something i can change overnight, I'm looking at a time line of 5+ years or so.

reply to post by Serizawa


Good a goal is good. I think that sometimes life intrudes on our plans. I also wish you could pour your heart out. I think that would be a really good place to begin. I wish I had the answers I really do but, I cannot even get my own $hit together. Peace be to you.

reply to post by piercebitchone


I really don't think i can do that, But maybe over time i will.

I feel for your sadness, friend.

For this one, the deeper the pain i experienced, the more i appreciated my moments of joy and love. And i do know pain, very well. But one loses meaning and depth if the other is not present. There is beauty in that, to me. Incredible beauty.

The way i see it, we are given a certain amount of moments where we can write our message out to the world. We get to choose what will be written, but the "clock" is ticking for these bodies. I figure, with this life, what better thing to choose in every moment than Love? Not as an emotion specifically, but a state similar to the sun radiating light. To my surprise, it is a choice. One that builds up over periods of time, but can be realized in an instant of choice. At a certain point, there is no turning back. It was that same point where this one finally felt alive. It takes courage to make such a choice, but we can do it. You can do it.

There is not a great "escape." I think that is our perspective on something that it so far beyond what we can comprehend. It seems i was expecting that complexity to somehow tell me it was present when i was looking directly at it, in every way. I firmly believe what you seek can be found right here and now. This place is deeply enamoring if one allows themselves to "feel/be the love" then, from that source, we live our lives and actions. It is a "shift."

What we are privy to witness in every continuous moment of our life is.. (...)
And we are an intrinsic part of that vast, vast balance and complexity. But our perspective is our choice, and we do have free will on that. There is no quantification for what happens continuously in even the observed world. But, we can choose to simply let our minds be a part of that which we observe, and beyond that, we can choose to Love. Then it seems, ones perspective is "self-sufficient." You will know where to go from there If one is only given a limited amount of time, i know what decision i made. But it truly is up to you.

You can absolutely do it! and it may sound crazy, but It will all be ok.

with Love,
a friend

wow. you made me happy from reading this. i feel abit of the same way. after being awake i realized that there is so much bullsh** in this world. the governments population control the way we all are being forced to drink poisoned water food air. as stated above WHY SHOULD WE PAY FOR SOMETHING THAT IS OUR NATURAL BIRTHRIGHT!!! why do i need to pay taxes to a country that i despise because it preaches freedom but with a catch of being dumbed down thats not freedom to me.

since i have opened them i find myself more depressed because no one truely understands me and how i look at things. people saying that i am paranoid saying yeah right like if i get the shot for whooping cough im going to die.

ugh..
i had a talk with my girls mom, she said she wants everyone in the house to get the H1N1 shot when the first grandchild was born, i said i understand you want to be safe(i mind you never take any meds unless its herbal because i know everything we use like that is a poison to our bodys, for religious people does the bible say not to pollute your temple? then why are you taking these synthetic pills to mask a problem that you can easly fix with a herbal regiment?)as to what i saying i said i know your the kind of person that is like better safe than sorry. so i told her that i am not going to get it because of the simple fact these shots are poison its proven to make guys sterile and cause tons of health issues. then she says no it doesnt they make it to help people(dumbed down)
now another grandchild is going to be here in febuary so she had a family meeting and said that she wants everyone to get the whooping cough shot. once again i was like well im not getting it, she said then you cant be around the baby. i said so you want me to get poisoned with something that my body can fight off(im vegetarian and exercise regularly) i havn't been sick in about three years and when i did get sick i started the vegetarian diet and over came it.
needless to say not alot of people have there eyes open. im glad we have a place to talk to like minded people. we are the ones who will stop this i know it

Everyone thinks the world is going to become a better place after the great awakening of 2012, Well that's utter BS. The great awakening will happen during a time of killings and the prosecution of the innocent, When it's too late for us to change anything. I hate it how people are so ignorant with all these facts and signs right in front of them, OPEN YOUR EYES!. Freemasons are evil.....period, Why hold secrets and take oaths with every degree? Why infiltrate the religious, educational and medical institutions?. If freemasonry makes good men better then why the F*** is every damn president that causes war and kills thousands of innocent people a Freemason?. At the end of the day (I don't care what anybody says) any secret organization is DANGEROUS! hence its secrecy.