I have a real personal problem - help!

Ponder me this..how can you get over someone who has left the country (never to return), and who did not share the same affection that you felt? This person wasn't even AWARE of a relationship!

So I'm basically holding onto this "relationship" that never actually existed in the first place, it was only alive in my mind, and now that this person has left, I feel abandoned and in a really dark place. Worst of it is, I'm still in communication with this person, I just can't let go of what used to be!

Its been 3 years now, and still I can't let it go. The whole time-heals-all-wounds thing...is bulls**t guys, I'm sorry.

I went through a bad drinking stage, drug stage, therapy stage, I just can't seem to get an easy solution (and answer) to my problem.

I know the obvious thing here is to cut all ties and communication, but, its not that easy. Our families are friends and we share many friends (who are oblivious to my problem), and I can't ask my friends or family for advice, because its a bit of a...delicate situation.

I know I've made this post a bit cryptic and confusing, but I'm afraid (for my sake) what I put on the net. Thanks for your understanding! Any help would be much appreciated.

did you ever let this person know how you feel about them. If you havn't that would be my advice. Let them know how you feel, what have you to lose. You never know they maybe feeling the same way about you.

lots of casual sex.

stick up to your dreams

Closure man. It shows the truth. But don't forget. The truth hurts.

reply to post by gandhi


Yep I would agree with this one.

2nd

reply to post by Brad-H


Religion and/or Philosophy. Something is out of balance in your life, not just this person leaving. You filled the missing "something" with that person, then you tried to fill it with alcohol, drugs, etc.

Work on yourself. May Peace be upon you.

Is the delicateness of the situation there possibly because you are both male?
Don't take anything the wrong way, just the vibes I get. It was mentioned that the problem was "personal", and since OP's asking for advice of a personal nature. . .then I believe that to ask that question is not in violation of any morals.

Either way. . .the other person is just saying it's all in your mind. . .he or she has a bad way of dealing with emotional departure. . .probably because they were not as attached or are easily detached from people.

reply to post by Brad-H


Wow I'm really sorry for you man. You and I share an almost identical story with the distance, time, drugs, etc, excluding the family ties. Our difference though, is that this girl and I have a deep seated love that neither of us will admit but both know is there in each other. I'm just about in the same rut as you, and whats worse, is that I haven't spoken to her really in years, and only recently have we been reconnecting, and soon we'll be seeing each other again. I wish i could give you advice. I usually can for my own friends. But when it comes to myself, that advice is trash, and looking over your scenario, I might as well be giving advice to myself if I gave some to you, and that kind of advice I can't trust. I guess I can only say that love is never lost, that you should never try to replace it with something lesser of value to you (or equivalent for that matter, if there is such a thing), and that in the end you just have to do what you feel is right for you and stop hesitating to do it. Apparently she/he doesn't share your feelings, and if that's 100% certain, then I would not bank on him/her ever feeling the same way as you specifically when the only medium between you two is an internet connection, you know what I mean? If you were actually person to person, that's another story, but you're not. I would not tell him/her how you feel unless he/she could feel the air that escapes with your words. Until then, keep it mellow. It's your best bet, I think. There's no reason you have to cut ties with the person. It's still possible to be good friends and hope. Good Luck!

Originally posted by woodwardjnr
did you ever let this person know how you feel about them. If you havn't that would be my advice. Let them know how you feel, what have you to lose. You never know they maybe feeling the same way about you.

Just what I was gonna say.

You have absolutely nothing to lose, as you have already lost this person anyway. You may as well tell this person how you feel.

If they reject you, it will hurt for a short while, but it will bring closure and at least some peace of mind.

Believe me, I've been rejected more times than my ego would like, but I don't regret any of them, as it often leads to a more open relationship and sometimes, after the initial knock-back, to a romantic relationship, as the other person would very often not have even thought about you in that way before. Opening up to them can sometimes plant the seeds of romantic thought.

As for the drinking and the drugs... been there, done that, doesn't solve a thing mate. All it does is causes you to fixate on your problems, leading to a vicious circle.

Hope you get yourself sorted soon my friend.

reply to post by Brad-H


You talk of a "relationship" yet the other person wasnt aware.

That my friend is a crush or fixation created by you for you. This is not un-requieted love, it is an obsession.

What is it about this other person that you are attracted and obsesed with? In reality it probably shows what lacks in your own life or personality.

The only solutions I can see is:
1. Let the other person know your feelings and take the consequences.
2. Write a list of the things you like about this other person and try and find someone else similar.
3. Change your life. You probably have the same routine everyday and it keeps you in the same vicious circle.

We have all had crushes etc at one time or another. If you dont have the guts to let your feelings be known then face the facts and move on.

If you are like this without the other person knowing your feelings, please ponder how out right rejection would affect you. Life is sometimes cruel but everything is a lesson if you are prepared to look and learn.

It is down to you to address the situation, we can only give advice but its all down to YOU.

I wish you the best.

To Irish Matador, it is indeed an obsession, which has proven to be rather consequential. I've thought over MANY times about a scenario of me telling how I really feel (thanks nik1halo & woodwardjnr for your response), the thing that keeps holding me back is rejection. Sure, I have nothing to loose, its just DOING it, growing a pair of bigger balls might help here.

In response to Divine Strake, maybe I made it abit too obvious you can see why I was hesitant to explain the finer details, I'm not an open guy and I'm not really comfortable with it, thanks tho!

asperetty, thanks for that, I can see how you can relate, it just amazes me that after all this time, people still have strong emotions about things that happened a while back, I suppose its just dealing with closure, for better or worse.

I know that I'm just going to carry on as usual after this, taking it all in, but not really confronting anything, as I always have. The courage involved (form me to express my feelings) is just...monumental, to say the very least.

But thanks all, I appreciate it.

Originally posted by nik1halo
You have absolutely nothing to lose, as you have already lost this person anyway. You may as well tell this person how you feel.

If they reject you, it will hurt for a short while, but it will bring closure and at least some peace of mind.

Agreed. Better to have a wounded heart than spend years in emotional limbo.

reply to post by Brad-H


You've already identified the problem, and the solution...you sound like you just need folks to reiterate it...

3 YEARS??? The ship hasn't just sailed my friend, it's disappeared over the horizon. You need to cut ties man.... Time DOES heal all wounds, but ONLY if you move on... Instead, you've spent that time dwelling on what might have been...instead of what could be right now.

Cut the long-distance ties, get out and meet people, and find another person to obsess over.... You'll be much happier for it. Thing is, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, you just have to admit it for yourself... Don't worry though...the fact that you recognize it means you already further along than you think you are...