Should I ask her on a date? Do you work in a bar?

I met a woman at a bar recently, she is a new barmaid, and I was the customer. I started up a conversation with her, and we had a lot of common interests and opinions, and we got on really well in my view. We chatted for hours in between her serving other customers. Whenever she finished serving someone, she came back over to me to carry on the conversation.

I'm thinking about asking her on a date when I next see her there, but am a little nervous and unsure. I don't have much trouble starting up a conversation with women, but I always have a lot of trouble trying to advance it from there, to ask for the first date, and then later to take it further. I think I have trouble reading cues to know if they have any interest in romance rather than just friendship or a chat.

So one of the problems, is I got a bit paranoid, because she is a barmaid, it's her job to be nice and chat to the customers. So i'm thnking maybe we only got on averagely, but she was boosting it as part of her job, and seeming more interested in talking to me than she really is. She is in a position where she can't just tell me to get lost or similar.

Also, maybe even if she does actually find me interesting to talk to, maybe she's not interested in anything more than that. I didn't get any obvious clues like compliments, or especially flirty chat. One thing I noticed though, is that many other times when I get chatting to women, they mention they have a boyfriend early on, which I always take as them telling me to not get any ideas and it won't be more than conversation. This woman mentioned that she'd split up with a boyfriend, so maybe she was signalling her availability to me, or maybe it was just part of conversation.

It would be pretty awkward if she turned me down, it's my local bar, and I don't know if I could go back in there if that happened. I'm thinking more on the side of trying though, it's better to just find another bar if I have to, than miss out on a chance with a woman who seemed really nice.

There is a bit of an age gap too. I'm late twenties, she's early twenties. That doesn't bother me though.

In the past I've had a few girlfriends, but not as many as other guys I know who haven't settled down yet. Mostly those women all made it fairly obvious though, so I was not so nervous to ask. I feel the thing that has stopped me is most likely my nervousness and trouble reading 'signals'.

So any opinions are welcome, or questions for more details, but I do have some specific questions I'd like to ask, especially of the women.

If you are a barmaid, or you put yourself into her shoes, do you think you would 'fake it' much with customers? Would you carry on a chat for 5 hours with a guy you had no real interest in, or maybe just make an excuse to go do something else?

What kind of clues/hints would you give the guy to try and get him to ask you out, if you are not the type to ask first youself?

Any other comments would be interesting too.

Ide say definitely ask her. Whats the worse that can happen? She says no, and then life goes on. Its never easy getting rejected, but its also never the end of the world. Plus I doubt she would carry a convo with you for 5 hours if she wasnt interested. If anything you guys have alot in common, and a friendship could be easily established. Ask her on a date. The date will probably going really well. If she doesnt go on a second one, she probably isnt interested. Just go for it.

I met my ex-wife exactly in the situation you are presently in. She was working at the bar I was hanging out in at the time. I let her know, pretty quickly, that I liked her and was interested but that I didn't want to come off like some random guy picking up a girl in a bar. So we talked for a few weeks and, when the time was right, she broke the ice, as it were, and actually told me that the time had come to ask her out.

Let her know you're interested. It can't hurt anything and it might turn out to be something really special!

First let me say this. I've worked in the Hospitality industry before finding my niche in graphic and film for about 5 years. During that time I had managed 2 bars in the state of New York. I had a rule where in NO CIRCUMSTANCES should any of my employees date a patron of the bar, it's just bad form. Employees tend to focus too much on their "date" and neglect the other patrons. There's also the tendency for employees to give out more "comp" drinks in attempts to impress.

Those were however the rules I had and not everybodies rule. I'm a firm believer in taking hold of opportunities becasue hell, we only live once. Just remember bartenders get asked out everyday by all sorts of people (drunk and sober).
If I were you I'd play it cool and see what happens the next couple of times you visit your watering hole.

I say go for it, but expect little. Keep in mind also that she said she'd just split up with her ex b/f. It may do you good to find out how long ago they split. If she says "last week" forget it. That is not a position you want to be in, lol. Good luck!

Thanks for the comments so far guys, and it's great to have someone from the business pop in.

Originally posted by ATSmediaPRO
Employees tend to focus too much on their "date" and neglect the other patrons. There's also the tendency for employees to give out more "comp" drinks in attempts to impress.

This is very interesting to me, she did give me a "comp" drink at one point. I'd asked her to give me a half refill, but it was an odd shaped glass and she wasn't sure where to refill too. I half joking said "just fill it up to the top, all the other barmaids do", and she replied, "well, if I'm in competition with all the other girls..." and topped it up. She did neglect some other customers a little, they had to actually call her away. So maybe these are good signs.

The bar does have a rule, that partners of the staff can't come in during their shifts, because they will distract their partner at work, and sometimes they had trouble when a barmaids man didn't like some of the customers hitting on their girlfriend.

Ask her out you p@ssy! Whats the worst that can happen? You get turned down?

Faint heart never won fair maiden.

Have no regrets or live to regret it.

Be a man not a customer or someone else with balls will get her

reply to post by harpsounds

If this is your regular pub and you are concerned about the implications of that, then I would say take it slowly.
Remember, she just split with her ex, and she has just started this new job. She may just be being chatty with you cos you seem decent and friendly (non threatening), and she's feeling insecure/vulnerable right now.

Don't be the rebound!

Is there an opportunity for you to go in with a friend who's judgement you trust? He could observe and give you more perspective on the situation. He could even bring up the subject of you both going on a date, and you can see her reaction. That way, if she's not interested, you didn't actually ask her, your mate suggested it. Good Luck.

Also, I think most pubs et.c have a policy where staff are not allowed to date customers. Best make sure none of the staff or other customers overhear you when you do ask.

reply to post by harpsounds


If you dont ask her out the next time you go, you may end up in the "F" zone....in other words you just made
a new friend and chances are she doesnt date friends.

reply to post by harpsounds


Yes, she is paid to be nice to you, but she does not have to hold a prolonged conversation with you so it is possible she likes you. I would not read too much into it, but this should not stop you from asking her out.

Don't ask the usual "what do you do on your days off?" She can see what's coming a mile away.

"I like talking to you. Want to see a movie or do something Friday?"

If she says she is working Friday and then leaves it hanging in empty air.... say "another day?"

If she says she can't make it Friday and goes on to give a long list of reasons why she can't. Just smile and say "No problem. It doesn't hurt to ask"
Leave her a 20% tip and leave the place. The next time you go in she may have decided to go out with you after all and then she will make the next move, knowing you sort of like her a little.

Whatever you do, don't ask her out and then cheap out on the tip. Girls always laugh at those guys after they leave..."Can you imagine? He had the nerve to ask me out and then left me a 10% tip.
Why would I date a cheap &*#$ like that? Blah blah blah..." It gets pretty ugly.

reply to post by harpsounds


Well for what it's worth, me being a student, I myself work at a bar.

I can tell you this, if a customer has locked into a conversation with me, most of the time I'm not interested in what they are saying, as the conversation is cheap, and has no basis.

But, as I am the bar-man, it is my job to respond, and entertain their conversation, creating the illusion that the customer is an interesting raconteur. I get out of these conversations, by creating an exit point for myself.

However, with customers who's conversations I am interested in, I will stay and genuinely interact with them. If I have to serve someone else, or tend to other job's, I tell them, and will come back to them as soon as I have finished.

I will generally do this, until either they leave, or I finish.

I work for money out of necessity, so why would I want to prolong the perceived time I spend there, by getting into conversations that have no reward , meaning or relevance to myself.

So yes, ask her out on a date. If she wasn't interested, then she wouldn't bother

Thinking about it, Joe is right.

So, you should casually ask her if she is allowed to "date the customers?"
You're just curious. Get your curious look on.

She might say no, either because it's true, or she expects to go back with the x

Girls go back with x all the time.

reply to post by harpsounds

I too am an "inept signal reader" although I seem to do better when giving advise to others instead of following it myself.

Granted, a barmaid is going to be nice, especially to the opposite sex, mostly for tips and recurring business. But someone who goes out of her way between customers and continues the conversation suggests a few possibilities to me. It's slow and she's either bored, genuinely interested or looking for monetary compensation for her friendliness. I get the feeling of the second one the way you presented the story but I may be persuaded by optimism; only you can know and find out. Go there again when you think it will be more crowded and observe how she reacts with others. Obviously she won't be able to chat with you as much but you may be able to get a better picture of how she interacts with other patrons. Of course, the other thought process says that you should just go for it the next time you see her but it seems you're not the "go for it", type. You appear to be more of the thinker and analyzer type to which I can relate and sympathize for in this situation.

Relating and comparing previous girlfriends to her is normal and wise, but grouping all girls to one personality style that you may have encountered can be dangerous and hinder-some. Her mentioning that she recently split up with her boyfriend can be taken either way for me so I think you need to find out which way she intended that information.

You have the foresight and rationalization to realize that such an endeavor can wreak havoc on your current place and choice of relaxation and socialization so you certainly need to weigh that into the equation. Only you know how and if you can handle that situation if things go bad. Is it worth the chance? Only you can answer that. The age gap issue is non existent for me. I know people in their low thirties who act like they're in their low twenties and I've know people who were eighteen and acted like they were in their late twenties. Age is just that; age. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with where they're at in life and how they think and act.

You seem like an observant person who thinks before he reacts and analyzes situations to make sense of them. They're good traits for sure but they could also have negative consequences and I say that from experience. I've heard myself described as one that thinks too much with the unmentioned undertones that I also act too little. There's a fine line somewhere in there in my opinion. As much as I hate to be a hypocrite, what do you have to lose by just going for it? It's always easier to give advise.

One of my closest friends often asks for my opinion with his relationships. I always found this odd considering the fact that he has a great, large group of friends in relationships to seek advise from while I'm not always in a relationship. When I questioned him about this he replied that my advise is logical and provokes him to think about things in a different way. Take that for what it's worth to you.

Upon reading the posts after your OP, I just wanted to add that I think maya27's idea of bringing along a friend for their perspective of things is an excellent one.

Good luck harpsounds!

Sounds like she at least is intrested in you but the whole just broke up with my boyfriend thing...who knows... were this will lead, only one way to find out for good...ask.

So it's your regular pub...if she turns you down, you could just choose to laugh it off, consider it a shot and you took it, and move on from there. It is only awkward if you make it awkward....no rule saying it has to be. She may even tell you that it's frowned upon (dating the customers)...so then it gives you both an easy way to shrug it off.

Or, hell, she may be into you, and it's the start of a great relationship.

Either way, there really isn't much to lose here, so I'd say go for it. You'll never know otherwise.

"We should do something sometime"

Wait for response. You'll know how to proceed from there, either drop it or press on >

>"When are you free?"

Not that hard. Don't work yourself into making it a big deal. If there's any indication you think it's a big deal, you look like a potential stalker.

She is probably interested, I would go back to the bar when you know she is working and see if she gives you the same level of "attention". If all seems to go as well as your first encounter with her towards the end of the night you can always say something like

" I really enjoy our conversations, I was thinking maybe we could go out for dinner one evening"

or

" I have been sitting here thinking it would be a pleasure to buy You a drink sometime."

or as someone else has already stated, Ask her what the policy is about dating patrons and take it from there.

The one thing I can say for sure is You will never know unless you try.

~meathead

You can always ask her what she likes to do outside of this place....then ask what time she gets off work...

reply to post by yeahright

Don't work yourself into making it a big deal. If there's any indication you think it's a big deal, you look like a potential stalker.

True!