I failed to be born again

This is a very long story that I'll make as short as possible.

My mom had me at 16 and my dad bailed. Although my dad wanted nothing to do with me his family accepted me with open arms. I would go to his parents house (my grandparents) house every weekend and I have been living with them for the past 7 years. While growing up my family life was pretty chaotic. I'd fight with my mom a lot then at about 18 is when I moved to my grandparents. During these passed years (I'm 27 now) I started working, did a lot of traveling and of course would talk and see my mom and grandma once in a while but we never had that emotional closeness. My uncle who still lives with my grandmother (on my moms side) doesn't really talk to me during this entire time. I don't talk to him either. Sometimes when I'd go to my grandmas house for a visit I'd keep driving if he was there. Why I have no idea.

Anyway recently my mom got married to her boyfriend of about 20 years and I have a brother and sister from them. He recently retired and they bought this nice house and everything we all went out to eat for my grandma birthday and we were talking and I said I believed in God. After not being a believer my whole life I finally said I believe. Well we were talking and my grandma mentioned how my uncle was gonna come to the house. This was gonna be the start of a new chapter...everything coming full circle. I'm a grown adult, my bro and sis are becoming teens, my step dad retired, new house, my uncle was laid off from his job just like me. Everything was falling into place.

So we're at the house talking about what not and my uncle comes, he shakes my left hand (we're both left handed but he's never done this) I looked it up and it was a sign of lowering his "shield" a sign of initiation. At this moment I had the most spiritual feeling ever, we were all together for the first time in a long time. Everyone coming full circle, and then at the moment I just had to leave.

I didn't say anything to him and left. I feel like I walked out on my family, my integrity, my morals, and on God himself. Did I mention my uncle is my Godfather? To top it off I left to go to a friends who I was a roommate with. This friend introduced me to drugs and that night I went and he just bought a gun cause we were talking about being able to owns guns so we showed me it while loaded and we smoked. This is a friend no one really trusts to begin with. I feel like I left my family and God for this douche with a loaded gun and I didn't even flinch and then smoked weed. I feel almost as if it was the devil himself in that moment. I failed the test of love and then trusted this guy with a gun and drugs.


I really feel spiritually disconnected from my family now and I missed the chance I have been waiting for so long for. I had been through some rough periods the last 2 years and was really thinking about the entire situation.

To make matters worse I believe that my stepdad and uncle are freemasons and wanted me to become one but I failed the test.

I've been so depressed ever since and feel like my soul is lost. It sounds nuts but what can I say, I missed a great chance at being reborn. Leaving everything in the past in the past and starting fresh. To open my heart to everyone and become a family "under God" To raise my consciousness to a new level.


I just don't know what to do and feel like I missed my destiny and my calling in life. I knew at that moment it was what I was meant to do and I think of myself in the universe where I said something and talked about what I've been doing these last few years and open up with them.

I failed big time, I failed at becoming a man, being one with family, one with God.

Anyway, this is the short version.

Btw before and after this I swear I've seen so many signs that CANNOT be coincidence! I feel like with this New Age approaching I'm stuck in the old one while they moved on. To put it short I really think I'm in hell and going further and further down as time goes by. This happened four months ago and I visit them and talk to my uncle on email and we've gone places and hung out but Im just not open with them.

Im waiting for the chance where we're all together again to say this to me face to face. I know they feel like I walked out on the family and the love of God. This was a once in a lifetime chance to be born again and be free of everything in the past!

Life is so fragile...wow.

Maybe this is too obvious and direct for you but why don't you tell them that when you left that time you felt like you walked out on your family, integrity, morals, and God and that you want the chance to all be together like that once again?

I am going to do that but it was just a beautiful moment that I kind of ruined.

I agree with StrangeBrew there.

It is always your choice.
You have an opportunity every day to follow your heart. Is it necessary for “everyone” to be there at the same time? Start with the person you feel most comfortable with.

I am guessing you are young. Believe me, life is much easier if you do not condemn yourself for what you feel are your failings. It is all a learning experience. It seems we all have many opportunities to make both good and bad decisions.
Too say you failed God is to say that God made something that can fail. In the end, I don’t believe that is possible.

I hope I didn’t get too esoteric there.

Good Luck to you.

Not really your family is well your family, not one of them hasn't felt the wrong they have done in this life. So you may never become a mason, I wouldn't let it bother you too much really. Families are imperfect but they love you in spite of your flaws, thats the beauty of it all. There are never perfect moments so its up to us to make the most of the least flawed ones we get. Beating yourself up over it isn't going to change the decision you made, but owning up to that decision to your family will make all the difference.

You say you believe in God, well newsflash for ya God is a God of second chances, third chances, fourth and fifth chances too all you need do is sincerely ask for them.

reply to post by 27th Aquarius
Sometimes certain people like your friend seem to be connected somehow, or have something going, such as the ability to maintain a household, get necessities like weed, and acquire nice hardware, like guns, so he must have something going for him, right? If he seems like the devil, it could be, I mean some otherwise sort of normal appearing people can have real live demons in them. You probably do not, but something like an empty spot where someone like a father figure should have been. It gets boring to be by yourself and you might feel you are with a kindred spirit in your friend, which alleviates the loneliness. From my experience from being rather old now, it would be better to solve your immediate problem in a way that might require some sort of actual work, meaning as opposed to just being tolerant of questionable characters. The harder road, to reconcile yourself with the people who are important to you, i.e. family, than to take the easier road of immediate gratification, to use a worn out cliche.