I really need some advice....lesbian daughter?

She has never labelled herself gay or lesbian in emails to me. We are 2000 miles apart geographically, and now world's apart relation.

It seems that she cannot answer an email from me without adding a 'toxic' remark.

She was 5 when I was in a car crash that disabled me, and I am copying here a letter I now want to write to her, because her last email, today, was again critical of me.

I was in my 2nd accident 17 months ago when a car hit me, while in my wheelchair. She never asks how I am.

She married at 20, a man who hated me, and last year at 45 she began a same-sex relationship, and I never criticized her. I said I was happy that she was happy. She told me in January this year.

This is what I roughed out for her.
====


It spite of trying, it appears we will never think of one another as mother and daughter again.

When you were 12 and took the aspirin and I knew nothing until Dr. Phillips called me, I had no idea you were hurting badly. Your response to me when we talked was that is was my disability. I suspect now you were totally confused over your sexual identity. That would appear to be the only sensitive topic you didn’t come to me with, and appears to be the time you shut me out. That hurt me terribly and from that point I didn’t know what to do as a mother. I will leave out all the rehashed details until you met G… and I know you told him terrible things about me, as he never treated me with respect, and you followed suit when I asked you to please not marry him, that if it was real love it would last, and to please let me put you through
University first. Your reply: ”I love him, and if you don’t like it, you don’t have to come”. You had never spoken to me with such hatred before.
It is obvious you told your friend C….. some terrible lies about me, and now I have to wonder what you told your children. They are my grandchildren and I loved K… and M… to no end when Gus kicked me out. I never knew M… at all. Now K… and M…. of today have no memories of the fun we had. You trusted them with me, 3 days a week, 7 hours a day. Now I don’t know all 3 of them, and I am not a grandmother when no grandchildren write.
I knew your marriage was terrible but you insisted you loved G... If it weren’t for that I would never have loaned the two of you the $55, 000.00
Then you apologized. I appreciated that, but I have learned that an apology means nothing if it is not followed up with changed behaviour. I still saw very little of all of you, and still felt shut out of your lives.
Now that you are in a same sex relationship and finally in love, I accepted that as a given, and am happy you are happy, but you are still shutting me out. What have you told L…l?
It seems that no matter what I say, you will find fault with it. That is very hurtful and toxic to me after all these years.
It is very hard to think of you as ‘my same daughter‘. My mind goes back to our happier times, and then switches now to a girl from Bible Camp that you were so entranced with that you wrote her name on your bedroom wall, and nearly panicked when you were trying to switch stuffed animals with her, one Christmas. You gave her the teddy bear that I had given you as a wee girl and that hurt. I never saw you sleep with the one you received in return, that gray thing dressed in plaid…..and you never saw her again. My mind had to haul back what I was thinking.
You begged and begged for a puppy. My instinct was to say ‘No’ as I sensed what would happen and it did. The puppy, both of them, the first one hit by a car and killed, as you took him off the leash, when I said to not do that, became my responsibility, then when I asked you help, you gave him away without even saying so, until I noticed him was missing. You can be very cruel when it comes to me.
My accidents were some scheme in life that I never saw coming and I have had a lot to deal with, and still tried to be a good mother, but I failed. And I don’t know exactly (cont'd)

[edit on 2-9-2010 by canadiansenior70]

--(cont'd)

where, but with this last one, I am happy I don’t have a 6 year old to tend to when I require so much care and rehabilitation.
G… even told me that the children were not allowed to ride in my car! I have no idea why. You were always safe with me, so why not the children. K…. came home with me for 4 days when you had M…., so I don’t know when that rule was set up.
I am going to draw up a new Will when this claim is settled. And it would be so easy to forget you and the children exist, but that is a childish reaction. I, however, will release you from any duties, as I don’t want my ashes flushed down the toilet. They will be disposed of here. If any of you can be found, you will be notified from my lawyer. Name changes and address changes will make it difficult. If envelopes are undeliverable, well they will just be returned and I don’t know from there at all, yet.
My new POA and Executor will be close by here, which is the logical thing to do.
I did have a head injury from this last accident, but I can still think, and determine: I am just sometimes at a loss for the right words that I want and I stutter. The settlement ought to be pretty high and I’ll likely move to a more convenient apartment, yet you have the papers with the addresses I need and I expect you wouldn’t know where they are. I had someone email you for them as I knew one had B… as the beneficiary and I changed it to you. I found a way to determine which one and how to contact the company. I will again find a way.
I now expect nothing from you, but you are still my daughter and I want only for your happiness.

too late!
I am angry and sent this:

I wrote a long one and won't send it. All I will say is "That's it! I am sick of your disrespect, of your misinterpretations of my words, of calling a beautiful gift a "guilt gift", of your allowing that damned husband of yours to treat me as he did, and you followed suit, only for me to learn all these years later that you are in a same sex relationship and still won't tell me it you are gay, lesbian, or faking it all.
I have stood by you through everything and when have you ever backed me up..supported me? I gave you the best life I could and I could do no better! You've turned everyone you know against me with lies, even my grandchildren.

Well, F... you!

reply to post by canadiansenior70


This is all so heartbreaking ...

I wish I had something to say or do to make it better, I really do.

I certainly cannot offer advice. But no matter the relationship both people have to be willing to love equally. I don't know what to say ... I didn't speak to my own mother for years, but time passed, and the time manifested that we were able to connect again. I'm not saying that will happen, but from what you describe, nothing but suffering will come of trying to force things now.

I posted because I just wanted you to know that someone read and felt your sadness, and that you are not alone.

Big Love!

sdog

[edit on 3 Sep 2010 by schrodingers dog]

Heart breaking

But i 100% think this cannot be sorted via emails, and needs to be in person,

Writing allows us to vent our anger, yes it gets out what may need to be said but by doing so we forget that theres a person on the end of that email with real feelings, Email disconnects us from that,

I would keep the emails short now and plan at some point to meet up and "Talk this out"

Thank you sdog and asala,

I appreciate that you can sense how heartbreaking this is for me.

We live 2000 miles apart. Ontario and British Columbia. Her 3 children are 18, 21 and 23.

Her partners 3 children are 3, 5 and 6.

I thought she might make a trip out to see me, as I am unable to make the trip, but she seldom writes and again, she had a 'critical' remark iin her email. It seems she cannot send an email without one, whenever she gets around to it, and it usually has a question. I answer the question. When I ask her one she never replies.

Just this morning, she replied to the short one, saying."I thought the past was in the past." Well it wasn't since her previous one had the 'dig', and they hurt!

Email is the problem as it can be so impersonal, yet personal at the same time---getting away with words one might not say in person, so I called her on it this time, immediately, in case she thought the 'digs' flew over my head!

I am wondering now if same-sex couples keep to themselves? She origiinally had a problem re that, with her 2 younger children, but Ok now. I just accepted, because she sounded happy!

Am still iin a quandry!

Heartbreaking to say the very least.

Honestly, I have no -real- grounds to give any advice on such a subject.

But, even still, regardless of the fact that it is your daughter it is quickly apparent that you have given much and received little in return. The stigma (or blessing, circumstance generally determines which) of a parent is that often no matter how the child treats them they are always forthcoming with love and understanding, and always willing to try to work something out for the better. It seems to me that you have, and are, doing you part as a loving mother but the unfortunate reality of this situation is that your daughter isn't giving you your due respect and consideration.

You're a better mother than I would be a father, I don't know if I could honestly accept similar decisions in my offspring but have no doubt that you have done no wrong here. All I can really suggest is that if you want to keep working on things with your daughter, try to arrange a date to talk face to face and get to the root of how you feel about each other and where you want your relationship to go. Direct communication on the real issue at hand is perhaps the only key that I could imagine helping. I truly wish the best of luck to you. I hope any meager advice I could offer on this helps at least a little.

reply to post by Erithial


Thank you, Erithial,

Always good advice, but if I can never get her to talk about her real issue, or issues, It's fruitless.

All I can think of is that there is something she just doesn't want to say/admit, but she did tell me, in a round about way, in a letter using the word 'partner', about her same-sex relationship-----I doubt she commited murder, so.... my only route is that she does not care at all, for some reason, and is it because she was born out of wedlock? she had a father for only 2½ yesrs, and fantasized about him forever after, that I was the bad one for leaving, (an alcoholic who beat me.)

or maybe just plain me, a broken bond, when I was first injured and away from her for 1 year. I am guessing that no 'active mothering' can break the bond.

:bnghd:

I agree with Asala, this is not something to put in a letter or an e-mail. This is something that needs to be done in person. You need to see your daughter's face, see how she reacts. As well, she needs to see you, to be able to answer your questions right there and to see how they affect you as well. This type of letter you have posted will only make things worse not better. Her feeling will be more hurt or provide her with more reasons to distance herself from you. Just my opinion. I hope it works out for you, there is nothing worse than the loss of a child, whether it be through death or by distance. Life is short make the best of it while you can.

Like the above posters, I can certainly feel your pain. I think your resort to the "fu" in the last email was a result of your pain. Heart pain that is.

I was very estranged from my family growing up because I was gay. I didn't fit into their ideas of the perfect family, so I just basically faded away from it. Now I have my own daughter who is gay as well. That was the easy part. The hard part is the other side that mothers and daughters seem to enevitably come up against. I think, if I had to guess, that probably around 80% of ever mother daughter relationships, ends up with the daughter screaming at her mother I hate you, only to hear it again themselves from their daughter. Mother nature is just in that particular karma.

Also like the other responders, I am not really qualified to give a opinion to help. but I suppose I can make a suggestion. I agree face to face is the best form of communication, but as that is not a option now so it seems and email is, the only thing I can suggest is less is more.

For example:
My dearest daughter,
I am writing today with all the love I have in my heart for you, to inform you that as of today, I am wiping the slate clean of all past hurts, pains, and accusations. I only come to you now with love. The past is the past, and that is it where it will rest. I want you to know I am here to give you full support and help for anything you might need to make your life more enjoyable. The most important thing to me as a mother is my daughters happiness.
We are both older and wiser now, and it is time to except each other as the new people we have become over the years. Life is short. Let us not end it with regrets as time does slip away. I have no ultierer motive with the this letter. It is as I have written it. Please accept it for what it is and that I come with love for you from the deepest part of my heart. I will fight no more. I surrender. I come in peace. Please know this is so. You know how to reach me and I am so looking forward to a new reunion with a bright future between us
I love you now more then you can possibly know. I will be here with open arms, when you are ready.
mom

Now of course I dont expect you to use that, but hopefully it might get the idea across. Im guessing she will be cynical about it, as that seems the pattern of your history, but try as hard as you can to overlook the snippets of anger from her and just keep it in love. Dont let her push your buttons for history to repeat itself. Stand your ground in love if that is really how you feel.

I hope something about this has helped. yig

I really wish you had not sent that short E-mail. Don't burn your bridges.She is your daughter. You clearly long to have a relationship with her and your grandchildren.... So burning your bridges is unwise.

This is something that you cannot expect to resolve via email. You need to talk in person and you need the help of a counselor....

I hate to see you struggling and in such pain.... Just... don't burn your bridges... You will be sorry you did in the long run.

Damn.
I'm going to go with the advice everyone else is saying...don't resolve this by email, hell not even by phone - go and meet her.
It's the best way to do it.

She's your daughter, go easy on her. You're the parent, you're more experienced.

Don't do anything rashful, that you may regret in the future.

Personally to me it seems that actually your probelms with your daughter are not to do with her being gay at all but thats the situation at the moment thats letting everyones feelings come to the surface.
It looks like this goes way back and I personally wouldn't have sent the short e-mail. When dealing with relationships as precious as the one you have with your daughter its not wise to act in anger.
Although to you it feels like your daughters cutting you out I think you should look at this a bit deeper. I agree with the other people that this is something that needs to be done in person. I would offer up a piece of advice that I think you will find usefull, in your posts it seems you can quite easily point out what your daughters doing or saying wrong but you seem to accept very little blame. Even if you think you have done nothing wrong you should try to understand that your daughter obviously disagrees and you'll get nowhere if all either of you do is point out eachothers faults without listening and understanding eachother as best you can.

i have a very rocky relationship with my mum, this isn't because I'm a lesbian, luckily ive never questioned that, theres been issuses for us long before i 'came out' I think personally your problems go alot deeper than her sexuality.

reply to post by yigsstarhouse


That is a lovey post from you and I appreciate it. That is basically what I wrote when she wrote about her sexual orientation. She sounded so happy and I said I was happy that she was finally happy (as her marriage had been a mess)

I cannot go to her personally. I was disabled 41 years ago, and she is well aware of that, and also that I was struck by a car Mar/09 and am still healiing all these 17½ months. Her house from which she just moved and rented out, and her partner's house are 3 story houses....not good for me. She would have to come here, 2000 miles and it's expensive. I don't know know her finances. I paid for a trip for her and her 3 (then 13, 10 and 8) children back in 2000, and we haven't seen one another since. It's all been email. She has a life to live and mine is 'stalled'. I have filed a claim against the driver and can afford to send her money, when theclaim is settled, if she would be able to leave her work and 'family' for a trip, as I believe we ought to be alone.
Regards
cs70 (now 71)

reply to post by BlackPoison94


Thank you for your post

See the above response to another about my inability to go to her.

In retrospect, I see that it is something she might have 'known' about age 14, but never came to me as she did with all other questions, and it is my fault for never approching her on the topic. However she married and I didn't like her choice. There was something I couldn't put my finger on , but she said she loved him, so I stayed out of it. He treated me like dirt and finally dismissed me from the family, as a disordered Narcissist will do....divide and conquer even if he owes his MIL $55,000.00

When she finally left him some years later, I hadn't seen her for years nor the kids nor even knew she was expecting the 3rd. I never understood her behaviour then, but wrote loving letters once or twice a year. (in the '90s) and in 1998 I moved West to get away from the Ontario winters in a wheelchair. I was 58.

reply to post by gimme_some_truth


I followed up that short email with another, and an apology. I had been having disagreements with 2 doctors over my case, as well as my dentist. They have been no help regarding the pain and the damage done to my teeth, and the physical pain that has been present for 17½ months.

I told her my lawyer is sending me to a grief counselor for all that I have lost over some idiot running me down in my wheelchair. I ought not be writing to her when I am infuriated with the professionals....

....(as it only brings out my disappointment that she has no concern over keeping in touch. )

reply to post by ItsASecret


Thank you ItsASecret

If you read the 3 previous posts, I expect my reply to you would be parts of all of them.

I certainly understand everything everone is saying, but I think I just been confused over/about her.........maybe about age 14, but at least 19 when she married, then 'dumped me on her husband's say-so', but he was a control freak, and she still professed to love him, so I just sadly bowed out!

reply to post by froggie


I definitely agree with you, froggie.

Please read my last posts and it might all come together.

It would take years to write all the minute details, so maybe I'll write a book....and after all , she was only 5 when I was first injured and away from her for a year, only to return in a wheelchair. Was I the same person to her?...as I went about learning how to do everything differently!....as I will now have to AGAIN!!

I'm going to agree with Asala here, (and the nice e-mail proposed by another member)...

Family is family. We don't always like them....and yet we still love them.
I can speak from a bit of experience here. My mother hates my dad, hasn't spoken to him in over two decades... (she has valid reasons, he screwed us all, but I just can't (and won't) carry a grudge for that long....) My brother won't speak to me, and hasn't for about three years (long story, but the short of it is, my door is always open, and I've tried, but his beef to overcome). I know eventually he'll come to his senses, and I'm a patient man, so no worries. Still though, I can definitely identify with those burnt bridges, even if I wasn't the one who burned them (and to me, they aren't burnt).

Being angy and venting, while feeling good in the short run, won't repair the rift, or help you see your grandkids. You may have to eat some crow, and just hold back, but even if justified, you have to weigh which you want more...




Personally though, if my MIL loaned me $55 grand, I'd be kissin' her feet, but hey, that's me.
Still, sounds like the guy is no longer in her life (and why do you need a label for her?...gay/straight, etc., just stick with the one that counts..."daughter")...