I am changing for the better, but why?

Hello my fellow ATS crew. I am here to talk about something strange that is happening to me. Ever since I left home more then a week ago, I have felt that I wanted to do more in life. I felt like what I am doing now in my military career is not helping humanity at all. At night I have dreams about me being in combat from my first deployment, but not all the time. I have dreams about the people that I killed who were attacking my friends and me losing one of my friends when he was shot in his lower back. I think these dreams are telling me to get out of the army and do some good in life which is what im planning, but I feel that I need a direction on where to go after my time is over. I feel like the world is one big ghetto and it is screaming in pain from the constant stuggles of life. Eventhough I live in the slums of California, I know that there is people out there who have it a whole lot worse and have nothing but hard times, I wish it wasn't always like this.

I also have thoughts of leading a resistence group against the corrupt and greedy, but I know that this is a mere fantasy. I want to be more useful in my talents but I have no idea what those talents are. Can anyone explain what I am going through? I think im going insane!!

Can anyone explain what I am going through?

Life, Man.

We're All presented with our own Individual trials and tribulations Throughout the same.

No One's "answers" typically fits another's. (?)

How we Deal with and/or Handle such ultimately defines our character and person, in the end .. IMO.

It seems as though you're going through some rather trying,frustrating and/or Questioning times at the moment.

Best of luck to you seeing Your way through!


[edit: to add initial quote]

[edit on 6-12-2009 by 12m8keall2c]

Kind to have to agree with the above poster. Do you think maybe sub-consciously you are just tired of the fighting and want to make a change for the better?

I think everyone goes through this at some point in there lives. I did about 3 years ago and I made some improvements in my life and now I am much happier.

A revolution can be done on many levels my friend.

Removing yourself from their power is one I am researching and working on.

Their are steps to finding knowledge or insight to ones own life or tribulations.

It is the same as for grief.

1 Denial and Isolation.

2 Anger. I believe I will be stuck at this one even though I have moved on through the others. For I am angry at our overlords for perpetuating the problems.

3 Bargaining.

4 Depression.

5 Acceptance or Resolution

Be happy my friend for you are on your way to knowledge. Always ask, always seek, and for goodness sakes, try to have fun once and awhile.

I've done bad things in my life. Not evil, just selfish. Inherently, I've always known I wasn't a bad person. I just made mistakes. I can't even kill a fly....but....

Lately I've been feeling exactly as you. I have re-examined myself a lot, and reiterated I still have a long way to go. It's one thing to tell yourself this, another to truly realize you are not perfect, you don't have all the answers, and you must learn. My complacency of my own "goodness" kept me from realizing I still had a LOT of growing to do.

So I am grateful I feel more shame now. Like they say, Know thyself. I say go with it, realize you're not perfect, and build with kindness and love. You can't do it overnight, but always strive to help those around you. Question your own motivations, ALWAYS.

And always remember you must live the consequences of the choices you make and have made. Sometimes they take a very small shovel to dig out. Doing the right thing isn't always just a jump over a line. Do the best where you can, and recognize that some changes require growth. And question EVERYTHING...cause if you don't, you might begin to close your eyelids just a little.

If you do decide to leave the military, please talk to your chaplain about your concerns. My experience is that while they are NOT to be trusted completely, they will be able to help you by giving you ideas of how do deal with your stress.

reply to post by Stop-loss!

It reminds me of a lot of guys who came back from Angola. They went inside the army as totally pro-system, and when they come out they've seen the reality, and they often turned anti-social.
The few who ended up coping (after post-traumatic stress treatment) said they had to make a decision to find balance in life.
There are many legitimate movements globally which one can join to find a voice, and they do bring changes and gain victories.
I hope the spirit of violence is over for you - because nothing lasting comes from it.

reply to post by jane_within


I have started some questioning of my own. usually when I question my superiors, they get angry and change the subject to something irrelevent. It seems like rather them being wrong about something, they will put the blame on me but I know deep down that they are hiding something. Its hard to have fun here in the middle east when your always working for the enrichment of the corporations.

reply to post by NightoftheComet


yes I completly agree. I know there is much more that I can accomplish in life, but I am just one man. If I can help others where its need and not for their on greed or lazyness then Then I will gladly offer assistence. Maybe helping around in the tent is a start.

You certainly seem to have a good heart. Being in a war zone must be very draining on you.

All I can say is follow your heart, it will lead you well, and all the best.

Back in the 70's in Argentina there was what they call a 'dirty war'. Those people who were thought to be revolutionists (I believe) were napped and killed mysteriously. If you volunteered, if you taught kids or homeless how to read, or even if you fed the hungry. They would come after you. Why? Because you were a tharet to the everything that 'was'. Why am I telling you this?
Simple my friend...This shows you that in helping just a few people you make a change big enough to warrant the concern of those who care not for it. Fortunately this war will not happen here(I am in Canada) or in the States and you can be safe in making a difference one step at a time.

You may have PTSD-causing dreams, though anything traumatic such as death stays with us. It is difficult to overcome, and sometimes it is only accepted and made peace with.

Follow your intuition. Where is it leading you? Would you like to volunteer somewhere? Get into a big brother or sister program? Help some animals at the humane society? Maybe you'd like a new job? Go back to school? Research new philosophies? Learn to bake or go camping. Take some 'you' time. As Socrates said, 'know thyself'. It is important. Whatever you choose you are not trapped. You may change paths at any moment. Do not think of what to do too long b.c you may try many things if you want. Try something you want to do first and see how it goes. If we think too long we procrastinate and never accomplish anything.

Hold on to your good memories. You and your friend had many. I see a lot of smiles, though I think some may be on the inside.