FRENCH JOKES

COME ONE COME ALL SUBMIT YOUR BEST FRENCH JOKES

heres mine: What do you call 10,000 frenchmen with their hands up? The french army.

How do you stop a French tank???

Shoot the Frenchman pushing it.

Q: Why do the french call their fighter the Mirage?
A: Because it doesn't really exist.

A French rifle is for sale on e-bay. It's never been fired but I heard it's been dropped once

- Maginot Line (no punchline needed)

Why do the French have glass bottom boats in their Navy.....To see all their other ships.

A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"

Why is good to be french? You can surender at the begining of the war, and the US will win it for you.

President Bush and the french ambassador to the U.N. were debating the Iraqi crisis. The President tried to explain through an interpreter that if we don't stop Hussein soon, he will obtain nuclear weapons. He further explained that should that happen, any future likely conflict with the madman could result in a bloodbath. The french ambassador, although, did not understand. It seems there is no word for"bath" in french.

Q: What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
A: The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.

Q: Why are the French so afraid of war?
A: You would be too if you never won one in your history.

Q: How any French soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five

one to sit on his butt and watch and do nothing.
The second to turn tail and run.
The third to roll over.
The forth to surrender to the light bulb and snitch out occupied sconces.
And the fifth to pick up a phone and cry to the United States.

Q: Why do frenchmen always were yellow tyes ?
A: to match the teeth

Q: Whats the best place to hide your money ?
A: under the soap of a frenchman

Q: Why do French men have moustashes?
A: To remind them of their mothers.

Rumor has it that those French tanks have 6 gears, 5 reverse and 1 forward. Just in case they're attacked from behind, that's where the forward gear comes in handy....

Hey, I don't know if you've heard this one or not, but... Why do we need France on our side against Sadamm and Osama? So the French can show them how to surrender.

George W. Bush, Tony Blair and Jacques Chirac were relaxing in a Parisian sauna. Suddenly, there was a distinct beeping sound.
President Bush pressed his forearm with his thumb & the beeping stopped. The others looked curiously at him. "Oh, that was just my pager", said George. "I have a microchip embedded under the skin of my forearm."

Two minutes later, the silence was broken by the sound of a phone ringing. Tony Blair lifted the palm of his hand to his ear & the ringing stopped. The Prime Minister explained, "That was my cell phone, chaps. I have a telecom chip implanted in the palm of my hand.

"By this time, French president Jacques Chirac was feeling sort of low-tech. Without saying anything, he quickly scooted out of the sauna, but returned momentarily. When he returned, Bush and Blair both stared at him increduously.

It appeared that a long piece of toilet paper was dangling from the Frenchman's posterior.

When Jacques saw that he had the attention of the other two men, he feigned astonishment: "Marie sainte! I'm think I'm getting a fax."

What color is the American flag? Red, White, and Blue. What color is the British flag? Red, White, and Blue. What color is the French flag? White.

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The Army.

What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered during WWII? "Table for One Hundred Thousand?".

Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Did you hear about the Frenchman who lost his licence to practice medicin? He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It's a shame, he was by far the best vet in town.

The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Pierre, it was rumoured, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred Francs? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition. "Well," said Pierre, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred Francs."

A FRENCHMAN named Pierre was walking through the small town he lived in with a friend. He pointed to a row of houses and says, "You see those houses? I built those houses! But do they call me Pierre the Housebuilder..No" They walked along a bit futher, and he points to a number of boats in the harbour. "You see those boats ? I built those boats! But do they call me Pierre the Boat Builder? NO!" Then he turns to his friend and says "BUT MAKE LOVE TO JUST ONE GOAT AND YOU ARE LABELED FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

How to be rich with a frenchie.

It's easy. Buy a Frenchie at his right price ( don't worry, he do not to be worth much , maximum 1 or 2 USD ).

Just after, sell him to the price that he think he will be sell ( 1 or 2 billions USD ).

It's done, you're rich !

Q: Where do you find 60 million french jokes?
A: In France.

deepwaters, I don't get your joke about the wall and the water....

Inspectah, I believe the inference is that an Englishman would want the 150 foot wall filled with water to drown the French, e.g. creating a giant lake of France.

Ohhhh.... I thought he meant that by inside the walls, he meant actually INSIDE the walls....

nevermind

Q. Why does Nike like the French Army?
A. Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.

Q. Why did the French celebrate their World Cup Championship in 2000 so wildly?
A. It was their first time they won anything without the help of the U.S.

Q. What do you call a man who only needs body armour on his back?
A. Jacques Chirac

Q: How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
A: Unknown as they have never tried

These were edited from a BBC Broadcast, which also had a joke about the British that was not edited out.

Question: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
Answer: A salesman.

Question: What do you call 20 French politicians face down in the Channel?
Answer: A start.

Question: What is the difference between a road accident involving a hedgehog and a Frenchman?
Answer: There are skidmarks before the hedgehog.

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1) Q: What would the French call a nuclear explosion in Paris?

A: Proof that more inspectors are needed.

2) Q: Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in France?
A: Germans like to march in the shade.

Q: Then why are the French chopping down the trees now?

A: The Arabs like to march in the sun.

BECAUSE THEY UNDERSTAND WHAT HE SAY !

...please...you'd all bust a gasket if someone posted a whole thread on anti-American jokes

Hey Nans, what do you think of that one ?

The Train Ride :

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.

The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Here is my joke and, as you may have guessed, i am a girl who likes to torture!

Due to the contents of this joke, over 18's only!
(or the mods will smite me!)

A young man finds himself stranded in the French Countryside after his car breaks down. He sets off to find some help and comes across a house standing alone. It's now midnight and he is very cold. The owner of the house, a chinaman, agrees to let the traveller stay overnight, but he warns him sternly that his daughter is also in the house and he must not have any contact with her. Otherwise he will have to suffer three horrible tortures!

The man agrees and settles down to sleep. But, suddenly he hears this beautiful singing and has to get up to investigate. He opens the door to the adjoining room and there is the most beautiful girl he's ever seen, sitting up in bed singing as she brushes her long black silky hair. The young man is overcome with passion and before the night is much older, he had joined her in bed.

At dawn, he returns to his own room and falls asleep into a deep satisfying sleep. However, when he wakes a couple of hours later, he finds a big stone on his chest and next to it a note that says

"This is Torture 1."
"Bollucks," he says to himself.

Picking up the large stone, he staggers to the window and throws it out. But, as he watches it hurtle to the ground, he see's another note pinned to the window.

"Torture 2, stone tied to left testicle."

Acting quickly, he jumps out of the window, thinking it would be better to break a few bones than suffer the alternative. But as he leaps out of the window, he see's a third and final note staring up to him from the ground.

"TORTURE 3, RIGHT TESTICLE TIED TO BEDROOM DOOR!"

OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is my funny for the day and thank you for cheering up a sick woman in the infirmary!!

Ravenstar, I really like that joke...The Chinese *really* knew how to hurt a guy! I think I'd prefer the 'ol "bamboo shoots under the fingernails" to that one.

Originally posted by deepwaters Inspectah, I believe the inference is that an Englishman would want the 150 foot wall filled with water to drown the French, e.g. creating a giant lake of France.

...I believe that your online nickname here is another good clue...

Originally posted by alien
...please...you'd all bust a gasket if someone posted a whole thread on anti-American jokes

...Not me...I'm not that *unfair* in my sense of humor. I'm an equal opportunity ethnic basher, if it's done for the sake of humor. I'm not a racist person, so I can see humor in jokes about *any* ethnic or country...Even Americans. For that matter, I've been presenting America's problems with touches of humor all over these boards.

If such jokes are *meant* as deliberate & maliciousness verbal *attacks*, that's a different story...It's more of the *attitude* of the person behind the jokes that should be questioned more than the jokes themselves. These jokes are presented as just that: Jokes.
...It's just that jokes about countries other than America seem to be in vogue now.


For example, here's an old joke (I first heard it about 25 years ago) that may not put a Frenchman as part of the punchline, but it has a Frenchman *in* it:
There was an international charter flight across the Atlantic carrying diplomats from all over the world on their way to new assignments to the UN. Of the 2 engines on this plane, one of them gives out. The pilot calls for people to start throwing out any excessive weight, as the plane was slowly losing altitude.

After tossing out all of the inflight food (Which was a relief to everybody onboard), the luggage & everything else that wasn't nailed down, the plane was still loosing altitude. The pilot suggested ripping up the seats & tossing them out...Even after so doing, the plane still kept getting lower & lower to the ocean.

The pilot had to start calling for volunteers to jump out to lighten the load & save the others. The English diplomat stepped up to the door & said, "God save the Queen" just before jumping out. The French diplomat stepped up & said, "Vive la France" before he jumped out. The American diplomat from Texas grabbed the Mexican diplomat & tossed him out the door saying, "Remember the Alamo".

...Of course, nowadays, someone might be tempted to change the joke, having the American diplomat tossing out the French diplomat while saying, "Remember Hussien!"...Either way, I'd still find humor in the joke.