A new beginning

As you may recall, I have written before about my horrid relationship with my grandfather and my longing to patch things up. As a bit of a reminder here are the two threads I wrote, involving my relationship with him.

www.abovetopsecret.com...
www.abovetopsecret.com...

Through out the years I have been subject to emotional abuse from my Grandfather. I felt that when he was around I had to just stay out of the way and even hide in the other room until he was gone.

Many times he pushed to far and I would get in his face, and curse and scream, and then I would become more frustrated as he would be truly surprised that I was acting that way. You see, he truly did not think he was doing anything wrong.

If you told him that he hurt your feelings he would get a look on his face that one might get if some one had just told him that a flying squirrel was doing a tap dance in the back yard... In other words a look of utter disbelief and confusion.... A look that I wanted to slap off of his face many times.

For the most part I have given up hope that he would ever be sorry. That he would ever care. That he would ever want to repair our relationship. But in all honesty, I always hung on to that little bit of hope.... Just in case. Ultimately though, he has gone his own way and I have gone mine.

Yet just when I am ready to give up even that last little bit of hope, I get a call. He has something wishes to share with me but he wants to do it in person. I almost said no and called him a bad name for even calling me, but something told me to listen. Go to him and listen. And I did.

When I arrived he was on the couch as usual and looked some what nervous, as if he was worried about something. I sat down and in a rather cold voice I asked " Well, what do you want?"

He let out a sigh, took a deep breath and sighed again. He began to speak of our relationship. Telling how he has thought of me lately and how he wants to make things better between us.

My first instinct was to react with anger. How dare he pull this now? After all these years of denying their was ever a problem. Of hurting me. Of causing me so much pain.

Before I had a chance to respond though he added, " I'm sorry". I was caught so far off guard, I just did not know what to think. In a low, restrained voice, all I could manage to say was "What?"

He repeated himself, "I'm sorry". For what!?, I asked. I knew damn well, for what but I wanted to hear him say it. This was bringing up so many emotions and truthfully I was on the verge of balling my eyes out because I was so upset and yet some how relieved to hear those words.

He told me how he was getting older and he wanted to apologize before it was too late. He knows know that the way he treated me was wrong but was so afraid to admit that he had done wrong.

After all, he grew up in a family where a man had to be perfect. He was not allowed to make a mistake. And if he did something to wrong another person, well then that would mean he was not perfect and if he was not perfect then he has failed his family. At least, that is how he looked at it.

I told him that I had wrote about our relationship and shared my writings with him, telling him that I have wanted so much to have a good relationship with him and how glad I am that he wants a relationship with me. This is a new beginning for my grandfather and I. We still have a lot to work out but this is a start and I will take it.

I have been told before that I was more like a lot like my grandpa, and that used to piss me off so bad, because when I thought of him I though of an abuser, and that is one thing I am not.

But I guess in a way we are alike. We are both stubborn as can be. We both want everything done our way and we both refuse to back down. Unfortunately that stubbornness may have been the one thing that was keeping us from getting over our issues and having a good relationship. Fortunately my Grandfather was able to back down just enough to get our relationship heading in the right direction...

Thanks Grandpa.

[edit on 9-10-2009 by gimme_some_truth]

Good luck to you. I have forgiven my parents time and time again, just to be revictimized. Sometimes when you forgive too often, it is seen as weakness, and the perpetrator will once again strike out against you. You lose your power and this other person has all the power, with the knowledge that you have been willing to tolerate the intolerable and forgive.

You hurt me once, shame on you, you hurt me twice, shame on me. I am not saying there isn't a possibility that this could work out- but you need to have strong boundaries, and demand that your grandfather prove he is trustworthy and values you enough not to violate you again.

Proceed with caution. I would clearly state that this is the last opportunity to have a relationship and that there is no 'one more time'.
I value myself enough, that I have decided that it is in my best interest to not have contact with my parents. It isn't what I would have chosen, but life is too short to tolerate repeated abuse my anyone. There are too many people out there that will value and love you, to waste one more minute with someone unworthy of your love.
Best of luck to you.

I am so happy that you had this opportunity and got to hear him apologize. I had a similar relationship with my GM, but she died before she ever apologized. I'm still haunted by it and long for an apology that I'll never get. I just try to see her as a person too and try to figure out what could have possibly made her so cruel. One of my relatives told her once that she shouldn't talk to me and treat me the way she did because I had feelings too. My GM looked at her straight in the eye, and said, "What are you talking about? She doesn't have any feelings." She was dead serious, and I'll never forget that as long as I live as hard as I try. I just struggle to forgive and move on. Some days I think that I have forgiven her and then some days something will remind me of her or something she said, and then I'm hurt, angry, and confused all over again. It's a shame how people can knowingly hurt other people and just won't stop even though they clearly see the damage that they are doing. She knew what she was doing to me because I let her know, but she didn't care and even seemed to 'feed' off of it somehow. It did make me an empathetic person though. I'm always mindful of others feelings because I know how it feels to be invalidated and treated as a non-human. Good luck with your relationship with your GP. It sounds like you two are moving in the right direction.

reply to post by lostviking


That's all good advice and so true. I've had to walk away from some people in my family too. Some days I feel guilty, but it's worth it. I'm so much happier now, and they lost power to hurt me anymore. Of course, I hear that they say nasty things about me like I'm conceited or whatever, but the important thing is to hold my head up. Their negativity and the distorted way they see the world is their weakness--not mine. It takes a lot of courage to walk away, but it's important to remember to value yourself and love yourself too. I once read somewhere that if you can't love yourself then you can't love anyone else. I think that there's truth in that.