Can males love the same way females do?

First of all, I'd like to make it clear that this thread is not meant to be sexist in any way. I believe men and women are completely equal, just different.

I guess I have too much time on my hands because lately I've been thinking about something: are men actually capable of romantic love in any way remotely similar to the way women are? Or are they only driven into relationships by instinct and the need for stability? I know men have emotions like anger, sadness, and happiness but do they really "fall in love"? After all, it's mostly women who write romance novels, go to movies about love, etc.

Again, I don't mean to offend anyone. To be honest I don't have my own opinion and I'm genuinely curious and would like to get both male and female opinions on this.

Originally posted by HarvestMoon
I guess I have too much time on my hands because lately I've been thinking about something: are men actually capable of romantic love in any way remotely similar to the way women are? Or are they only driven into relationships by instinct and the need for stability?

Right, first of all what's this about 'need for stability?' If someone said that about women, they'd be ran out of town on a rail. It IS possible, believe it or not, for either gender to build a stable single life.

Secondly, why WOULDN'T men be capable of romantic love? Give me one solid, concrete answer why; not a stereotype.

I know men have emotions like anger, sadness, and happiness but do they really "fall in love"?

If you know men have emotions(which should be self-evident), then you should be able to answer that question yourself.

After all, it's mostly women who write romance novels, go to movies about love, etc.

I don't see what this has to do with being able to feel emotions or fall in love. Not only is this a MASSIVE generalization and invocation of stereotypes, but it just makes no logical sense. Enjoying romance novels/movies doesn't make you any more able to feel love than enjoying Saw makes you want to torture people; it's merely differing tastes in cinema/novels.



Contrary to popular belief, men are NOT from Mars, nor women from Venus

Believe it or not, men are actually more emotional into their relationships then women are. There are a lot of exceptions like in the case of co dependancy. I am talking about average relationships.

Now men visibly show less emotion, but they are more dependant on the females for emotional stability, and they show signs of such.

Ever see a guy get mad at something for no reason, and it leaves the women baffled?

Most likely he was saying something that he wanted approval for, and the female,being practical, might of given advice and brushed him off. or even her facial expression didn't show approval, sending him into a tyrade. Why the tyrade?

Well, anger is the only expression men are allowed to show. Since they are conditioned to not show "weak" emotions. Such as fear, crying,etc.

Though that is slowly changing as people are realizing it is not healthy. And it isn't.At all.

so when the only approved emotion is anger, you show it for everythign. From fear, to sadness, to dissappointment to insecurity.

So what the reaction is fear at the thought that the wife missed their grand attempt to bond with her in a guy way.

Most women expect men to respond like women. Men respond how they think. They may not bring roses, but maybe washing your car is how he shows love. We don't see it because we think of it as a weekly duty.

There is a fantastic book that makes so much sense of this, I highly recommend. it has a pop title but it is very scientific.

You just don't understand: Conversations between Men and Women.

It is fascinating. Not only does it talking the conversation issues, but it delves into why we are conditioned to act the way we do.

And the books makes obvious of the subtle guestures our society inflicts to the gender gap.

For example: ever notice that if a female tries to be the sole talker in a group, she will get talked over? Yet if a boy wants to tell a story, everyone stops and listens?

it is conditioning that males are supposed to take the vocal lead.

If you notice, the majority of callers to a radio station are male. Because they have been conditioned to be sole talkers.

On the other hand, on one or one or at home, women do the talking. The men sit quiet, not because they are not listening or participating, they expect it, and actually find comfort in it.

Which is when women are angry we....

give the cold shoulder.

A inmportant thing I learned is it used to drive me crazy when I would say something to my husband, like my grandfather is sick. And he woudln't say anything. Since women bond through intimacy, I would expect , I am sorry.

But men communicate for status. It is always work to be in the upper status. Even if a guy makes a joke that makes everyone in a group laugh, he is considered in a higher conversational status because he did do something to make the group respond.

Now, this baffles women.

Men don't want to demote the status of the women in their lives. They consider showing sympathy or pity to be demoting someone. So they are stuck in the awkward position of not saying anything at all.

So it seems odd at first, but really, if they consider giving someone sympathy to be putting them in a lesser position, then they are actually trying to show you respect by not saying it.

[edit on 19-9-2009 by nixie_nox]

Best book I ever read on this subject-
www.oprah.com...

I saw him on Oprah, bought the book the very next day.

reply to post by Core90

Right, first of all what's this about 'need for stability?' If someone said that about women, they'd be ran out of town on a rail. It IS possible,
believe it or not, for either gender to build a stable single life.

I think everyone craves some form of stability in their life, women and men. I know it doesn't have to come from marriage or a steady relationship, but I think it may be a motivating factor for some people.

Secondly, why WOULDN'T men be capable of romantic love? Give me one solid, concrete answer why; not a stereotype

I never said they weren't, and personally I think they are capable. I just wanted opinions on the matter because I know some women who believe they aren't.

I don't see what this has to do with being able to feel emotions or fall in love. Not only is this a MASSIVE generalization and invocation of stereotypes, but it just makes no logical sense. Enjoying romance novels/movies doesn't make you any more able to feel love than enjoying Saw makes you want to torture people; it's merely differing tastes in cinema/novels.

I know I'm using stereotypes and I thought I made that clear by saying "most." As a woman, I enjoy movies like Saw too, so maybe movie choices really don't have much to do with anything. It was just an observation.

reply to post by nixie_nox


Thanks for the insight. Interesting points you make, and I think you're right on most of it. I'll have to check out that book sometime.

reply to post by AccessDenied


Thank you also, just the description give me a lot of info.

Originally posted by nixie_nox

Now men visibly show less emotion, but they are more dependant on the females for emotional stability, and they show signs of such.

Ever see a guy get mad at something for no reason, and it leaves the women baffled?

Not nearly as frequently as I see it happen the other way around...

Most likely he was saying something that he wanted approval for, and the female,being practical, might of given advice and brushed him off. or even her facial expression didn't show approval, sending him into a tyrade. Why the tyrade?

Wow, you've got this completely backward. At first, I thought you were being sarcastic. Do you know how many stand up comedians and sit-com writers are rolling in money right now because of the very thing you just described, roles reversed? I'm honestly not trying to attack you right now, but it seems like you've come from another country or planet where things are the inverse of what they are here (in this one instance, of course.) The way male and female brain chemistry works, males are the ones who usually seem like they've 'brushed off' the females concerns, even though this is not true. Generally, when a female complains to someone, what she's actually looking for is sympathy or empathy -- someone who understands and can share her feelings. When a man complains, he's looking for someone to help him solve his problems. This is why men often seem like they don't care or like they don't 'get it' to women who are looking to them for support. (And also the same reason men, a lot of times, think that women talk too much.)

I mostly agree with you on the other stuff you said, though. Movies always depict the woman as the one who falls madly in love and gets her heart broken because the guy just isn't 'in it.' In my experience, it's more often the other way around, except that men aren't supposed to show feelings. In these days, it's easier and better received by his cronies for a man to say "Pfft, whatever...I'm just gonna go get laid" than it is for him to say "I really miss her." Of course, I'm talking about your average Joe six-pack here. I was actually pretty surprised -- when I went through my first serious breakup, I found a lot of my friends to be way more supportive than I ever thought they were. In fact, I found that once you start talking about it, men in general are really understanding and sympathetic to this stuff. I remember expecting to hear "Don't be a pussy. Just go F another chick," but 90% of the time I got some pretty insightful advice as well as sympathy and empathy.

To answer your question, OP, no. Being that we only operate off of primitive urges and could never understand the complexity of the wonder that is female emotion, men cannot fall in love (contrary to popular belief.)


[edit on 21-9-2009 by Herman]

Originally posted by Herman

Originally posted by nixie_nox

Now men visibly show less emotion, but they are more dependant on the females for emotional stability, and they show signs of such.

Ever see a guy get mad at something for no reason, and it leaves the women baffled?

Not nearly as frequently as I see it happen the other way around...

Personal opinions not withstanding, most of the time, since men are locked up in their own minds, they don't understand why women are getting mad. They only see the situation as how it pertains to them, not the other way around.

It is not selfish, just how society taught it.

Most likely he was saying something that he wanted approval for, and the female,being practical, might of given advice and brushed him off. or even her facial expression didn't show approval, sending him into a tyrade. Why the tyrade?

Wow, you've got this completely backward. At first, I thought you were being sarcastic. Do you know how many stand up comedians and sit-com writers are rolling in money right now because of the very thing you just described, roles reversed? I'm honestly not trying to attack you right now, but it seems like you've come from another country or planet where things are the inverse of what they are here (in this one instance, of course.) The way male and female brain chemistry works, males are the ones who usually seem like they've 'brushed off' the females concerns, even though this is not true. Generally, when a female complains to someone, what she's actually looking for is sympathy or empathy -- someone who understands and can share her feelings. When a man complains, he's looking for someone to help him solve his problems. This is why men often seem like they don't care or like they don't 'get it' to women who are looking to them for support. (And also the same reason men, a lot of times, think that women talk too much.)



Are you actually using comedians as a resource?

You actually just confirmed my point. Women communicate for emotional closeness, while men communicate for information and status. They don't respond because showing sympathy is putting someone in a lower status.

I have read Men are from Mars too.

Which is why there is often a breakdown. A woman wants to talk about a problem and the male tries to solve it for her, when she just wants empathy.

When a woman says, I just want you to talk to me. She is portraying a need for intimacy. That she gets from a crowd of females. But men who only converse for status or information, really don't know how to do this. Women get intimacy through conversation.

I mostly agree with you on the other stuff you said, though. Movies always depict the woman as the one who falls madly in love and gets her heart broken because the guy just isn't 'in it.' In my experience, it's more often the other way around, except that men aren't supposed to show feelings. In these days, it's easier and better received by his cronies for a man to say "Pfft, whatever...I'm just gonna go get laid" than it is for him to say "I really miss her." Of course, I'm talking about your average Joe six-pack here. I was actually pretty surprised -- when I went through my first serious breakup, I found a lot of my friends to be way more supportive than I ever thought they were. In fact, I found that once you start talking about it, men in general are really understanding and sympathetic to this stuff. I remember expecting to hear "Don't be a pussy. Just go F another chick," but 90% of the time I got some pretty insightful advice as well as sympathy and empathy.

And I got ten bucks that says most of the empathetic conversations take place in privacy, as oppossed to a group in public where they just say: she sucks find someone new. Because men tend to view the more empathetic stuff as being conducted in privacy. Which is why they are happy to let the women chat at home.

Like I said, the status quo is changing a little. It is becoming a less macho world in which it is acceptable for men to show emotion. Look how many men you see crying on tv these days. And it is not just there. The army reports that men are starting to be more comfortable to express psychological problems and seek therapy, instead of just trying to tough it out.