Here's The Plan

September 6, 2009
Sunday
Waning Moon in Aries

My mind is free when my body is strong.

I let my body and mind get out of condition. 10 extra pounds and smoking are holding me back. Not just the pounds, the loss of muscle mass and tone and general weakness. Over 35 years of smoking is also taking its toll on my face, skin and oxygen intake. Its time to change for the better. Take on self-doubt, depression, guilt and fear with confidence and determination. The only sure way to succeed is to try. (That's my first positive affirmation.)

My plan is the same old plan it ever was, but this time its more than a plan, its a goal.

Fortune has provided me with the opportunity to not have to work. Three years of freedom has driven me nuts. I've handled it poorly. In seeking what it is I truly want, I got lost. The only thing I've ever truly wanted was to be happy. I wanted a family of my own. Although I was graced with four beautiful, healthy, intelligent children, circumstances that I handled the best I could at the time, resulted in all four of them not being raised by me. I should and must get over it but I can't. It's all I've ever wanted in life. Then to have it for a moment only to be taken wrongfully and forcefully by deceit and ill-will, the lies and harm to my reputation are nothing compared to what my children were forced to endure. Being raised to hate their own mother.

I made mistakes. I made wrong decisions. I am still paying for them. But my children are paying an even higher price. Being caught in the middle of a despicable situation that I must and shall continue, to soften for them as best I can.

I'm trying my best to never put them in the middle of anything between their other parent and I. As the years pass, the children are coming to realize that the "line" they've been fed doesn't quite add up. I'm trying to make that transition as painless as possible. Their loyalties do not need to be further tested by me. I love them unconditionally, forever. Eventually they will know what has happened. In the meantime, I must suffer in silence. My feelings must never override what is in their best interest. It is difficult to do. As I can not change what has happened, I must cope the best way I can with it.

Since 1996, I have been struggling to cope. Most people who know me believe in me and marvel at my internal strength. It is the mask I must wear. Deeply buried behind walls of mistrust, suspicion and direct experience, I struggle to trust, believe and cope.

Three years of freedom to discover what I truly want and I still have the same desire. It never changes. I want to be the real mother, not the visitor mother. By the time I could afford to have a change of custody it was too late. If I did it when they were in grade school, I would have had no way to defend them from the constant "mommy haters" rhetoric. So, I waited. I bought a house. Stability. My son told his father (of his own accord - I don't manipulate them) he wanted to live with his mom. He was 8. His father grounded him. You get the idea. I told my kids I would never try to change custody until it was what they asked me to do.

Now, they realize that I am not what they've always been told. They've seen it for themselves. I will always be there for them, no matter what. I am here. I love them.

I can't let it get me down inside where it counts. Inside where the pain gnaws away at me, guilt and regret, anger at being broadsided with lies, winnning legally but losing anyway, being hated by my own mother. I can't let them win, Ever. I've started to slide into despair. I will dig myself back out and be better than ever! It's Time.


Back to the PLAN.....

The Goal is to be Happy With Myself.

1. Exercise, Tai Chi, Pilates, Yoga - schedule

2. Eat properly - eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm not and drink more water

3. Sleep properly - being consistent

4. Positive affirmations - paint, write, draw images that reflect positive reinforcement

5. Meditation/Relaxation - stick with it, don't worry what is supposed to happen

6. Belly Dance, Beginners - practice the moves everyday

7. Sing! - it always makes me feel better even if I don't sound good

8. Cut Back Smoking, Worry about quitting later - consciously wait just a little longer

9. Limit online activity - No more than an hour at a time and two hours a day.

10. Rebuild resume and self-esteem - IMPORTANT Job sites, publications, etc.

11. Make more plastic bag rugs - it will help the muscles in the hand (I hope)

12. Household schedule - cleaning, meals, laundry

13. Finances - Read all bills and become part of the subject again

14. Car maintenance and upkeep - vacuum, clean inside, etc.

15. Ride bike and walk

16. Paint - house & canvas

17. Practice on the Sewing Machine - review the basics. Make practical stuff.

In order to ensure that I don't forget anything and am able to work it all into a routine, I will place visuals of my GOAL everywhere. Once my GOAL (or any part along the way) is reached, I will have changed my life for the better, empowered myself and lifted my self-esteem. If any magical or miraculous things occur, all the better.

reply to post by Hazelnut


Good for you! We should all set goals and plans in our lives, especially to help forge the paths of our children. If we just amble, aimlessly, through life, our children will, likely, follow.

I won't say anything like 'best of luck' or 'good luck'...Luck has nothing to do with it. The solutions and abilities reside in you. Be strong.

Edit to remove inadvertant repeat post.

[edit on 6-9-2009 by WTFover]

I made the commitment to start to learn Tai Chi today too.

Blessings to you. I hope things get better for you. I have to say your reading your list, it is well thought out and very productive.

I might say it is pretty long though. If you can accomplish even half those things, it would be amazing. Don't beat yourself up if you can't do it all.

Here are a few postive affirmations I found posted somewhere on the internet that help me:

Health

1. Every cell in my body vibrates with energy and health
   
2. Loving myself heals my life.
   
3. I nourish my mind, body and soul
   
4. My body heals quickly and easily
   
5. I choose to exercise regularly
   
6. I choose to make healthy choices for myself
   

Teaching the mind chatter to flow along positve thoughts eventually should become habitual, just like negative thinking becomes habitual.

Spending more time feeling confident rather than useless, prepared rather than afraid, brave instead of in denial, happy rather than depressed, trusting as opposed to skepticism and happy instead of sad or mad. I let my heart guide my mind, I let my stomach teach me how I am holding disharmony and fear within my body, preventing me from feeling hope or knowing wisdom. Lack of exercise bogs the mind in negative exhaust, the body ages, tires, becomes weak and difficult. Moving the body is thrilling, exciting, invigorating and positive for the mind and heart.

Self-confidence is eroded away so very easily and slowly, insidiously. I take criticism and advice into consideration without malice or predjudice. I realize the wisdom of other perspectives and appreciate it.

Balancing my time without expectations of outcome, realizing there is a time for everything, nothing has to be rushed, completion comes when it comes. Giving the emotions reign in creativity, without desire for expected outcomes frees me to express my divinity without self-criticism.

Finding the pearl in every pile of crap expands my heart. I give love and hope it is received. I am compassionate, not judgemental or disapproving of anyone, including myself.

"I" is the ego.
"Me" is the body.
"Myself" is balance.

"I" is the one who took control.
"Me" feels and reverberates experiences
"Myself" applies wisdom and compassion to all situations, thoughts, conditions, beliefs and expectations.

Abundance

1. I prosper wherever I turn and I know that I deserve prosperity of all kinds
   
2. The more grateful I am, the more reasons I find to be grateful
   
3. I pay my bills with love as I know abundance flows freely through me
   

Love

1. I know that I deserve love and accept it now
   
2. I give out Love and it is returned to me multiplied
   
3. I rejoice in the love I encounter everyday
   

Self-Esteem

1. When I believe in myself, so do others
   
2. I express my needs and feelings
   
3. I am my own unique self - special, creative, wonderful
   

Joy & Happiness

1. Life is a joy filled with delightful surprises
   
2. My life is a joy filled with love, fun and friendship, all I need to do is stop all criticism, forgive, relax and be open
   
3. I choose love, joy and freedom, open my heart and allow wonderful things to flow into my life
   

Peace & Harmony

1. All my relationships are loving and harmonious
   
2. I am at peace
   
3. I trust in the process of life
   

Romance

1. I have a wonderful partner and we are both happy and at peace
   
2. I release any desperation and allow love to find me
   
3. I attract only healthy relationships
   

reply to post by WTFover


Thank you for that comment. I know that you are a person who has wisdom in abundance, compassion for others and peace in your heart. Thank you. I will be strong.

Originally posted by Gamma MO
I made the commitment to start to learn Tai Chi today too.

Blessings to you. I hope things get better for you. I have to say your reading your list, it is well thought out and very productive.

I might say it is pretty long though. If you can accomplish even half those things, it would be amazing. Don't beat yourself up if you can't do it all.

And blessings to you Gamma Mo. Thank you for your kindness and interest in reading my little "story". I wanted the list to be long so that I could give myself no excuses for feeling useless.

Don't you just love how Tai Chi affects your emotional outlook? When I'm practicing with full attention on my breath coinciding with the movments, I always feel lighter and brighter afterward. I don't even know why I stopped for so long. I look forward to hearing how the exercise makes you feel.