I've finally found MY peace, maybe it is yours too?

I have just recently graduated university with an honours degree in computer science. I am British but due to being born into a military family I was born in Germany as that is where my father was stationed. My family isn't close and as far as I am personally concerned it consists of 3 people; yes I have separated myself from the rest of my biological family for various reasons.

Over the 24 years of my life I have always been a bit of a recluse; Interaction with other people was always difficult. I am about to start a new job, one which I know I will enjoy and so for this past 3/4 days I have taken myself 'away' from everything to think. Not just remember or re-enact situations from my past and potential future, but to REALLY think about things that concern me and my position in this world.

Right now you may be thinking "great... so what is the point of this post?", however please bear with me as I don't think I can justify my current viewpoint without giving you an idea of how I got here in the first place. I have always been an academic underachiever - this has been put down to a number of things such as 'clinical depression' where I was put onto 100mg of Fluoxetine daily with twice a week visits to a therapist. The SSRIs caused electric shocks in my head, severe agrophobia and frequent nose bleeds - all of which were 'expected' side-effects... Make of that what you will but it wasn't something I was willing to accept.

Therapy was of no use whatsoever to me either, this may have been down to incompetence, which is basically my way of getting angry with this person for not sorting my problems out for me. Why I failed to fully understand at this point, this other 'human' had their own life, problems etc is simple - I had my own life, problems etc and didn't care about theirs as I wanted mine sorted out. I began thinking why they were doing what they were doing i.e. trying to help people and what seperates them from myself. The answer I came to was that they wanted to help people through their life experience and they obviously understood to some degree how the brain works i.e. memories being stored in neurons interconnected by synapses and transmitted through seratonin as I have come to understand. Not far from a machine where memory is stored as positive charges to cells in ROM, interconnected by copper wire or 'buses' and transmitted through electric current - they say god made man in his own image, well - we surely made machines in ours.

Moving on, I realised that NOBODY can 'fix' me. I was stuck with the social anxiety, aggression, depression, inability to concentrate or focus, hyperactivity... woah - hang on, this sounds a bit like ADHD. I pursued this route too, without going through the doctors I decided to learn everything I could about this and it did indeed sound a lot like my symptoms. Adderall / Ritalin is used to treat such, I'm sure many of you know this; I wanted to see if I could diagnose and treat 'myself' so I looked at the active compound in such medications which is basically amphetamine. The closest compund I could find to these medications was Butylone; I researched this compouned extensively, got hold of some and tried it. Very helpful in calming my thoughts but having tried REAL amphetamine before I could see similarities and its potential for addiction.

I have always lived by a very strict code of NEVER becoming addicted to ANYTHING and I am proud to say that I have stuck by this to this day. Once the Butylone (100mg daily) had been finished, about two weeks ago, I decided no more and found myself feeling physical effects of withdrawal. Addiction not only affects you psychologically in making you think you NEED it to function, your body also becomes passively addicted. I shrugged this off and refused to try any other chemical to cling to through the withdrawal and kept myself to a regular diet, rest and plenty of water. (cont...)

Within two weeks these symptoms had vanished and I was feeling much better. This brings us to 4 days ago where out of the blue I decided that I was wasting MY time and that I finally admitted I wasn't happy, roll on the withdrawal back into my shell. I decided to give myself 3 days of pure thought on ME; the first day was spent watching some films I had seen before that had an impact in some way on my life. These films were "Human Traffic", "Trainspotting", "Kidulthood", "Adulthood", "Instinct" and "Fight Club".

So what is MY conclusion? Why have I got you to read to this point? Simply to impart with my fellow "humans" which we ALL are even the so-called elite MY opinion on what is really going on. For years I have hated YOU, feared YOU, pitied YOU, trusted YOU, loved YOU, blamed YOU, depended on YOU... why? Because I have never been truly comfortable with myself. I have felt such extremes of boredom so many times and blamed YOU for not helping me out of it... why do we not understand that boredom is such a privilege and an emotion that doesn't actually exist? Boredom should be a time for reflection or rest, basically self improvement in any way, but instead we try to divert our attention away from problems WE have created in OUR lives with anything we can. Why despite my large, intimidating size and high intelligence have I come to fear YOU and hate YOU? Simply because I can't CONTROL YOU. I don't know how YOU are going to act around me, say to me, do to me etc. Sure I can get prompts through hypersensitivity and natural survival instincts but I can't MAKE YOU DO WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO WHICH IS TO ACCEPT ME, BE COMFORTABLE AROUND ME, BEFRIEND ME all because I CANNOT CONTROL YOU EVER and I NEVER should be able too.

I am no longer wasting my time worrying about an elite group of whatever they may be or the inevitable. I have NEVER had ANYTHING paranormal happen to me in my life, never seen a UFO, never been visited by a dead loved one, you name it. I have always thought of myself as different to the rest of you... I'm EXACTLY the same as the rest of YOU and YOU are EXACTLY the same as ME. Nurture may have programmed us differently and our environments have shaped us differently but nature has made us the same. EVERYTHING we NEED we already have and WE WILL NEVER have EVERYTHING we WANT because we have NO idea what we want and never will.

A message to the "controllers" of this fictional so-called civilisation we have made. You are HUMAN, you WILL DIE at some point and you will NOT be punished for ANYTHING you do in this life because you are punishing yourselves RIGHT NOW. Living a life full of FEAR and ANXIETY and STRESS of the loss of control and power and other things that DO NOT and HAVE NEVER existed in REALITY is an utter waste of life. Eventually YOU WILL DIE and your ideologies may be carried on by your offspring, but as with everything they are subjective to interpretation and will mutate down the blood line as your descendents either follow your instruction and add their little changes to your ideologies, hate you and choose another career or simply die through natural selection - again something YOU CANNOT CONTROL. If nature wants us gone it will have us gone, we can run and hide but that simply prolongs the fear factor, but if you're happy living a life of fear then so be it.

A message to the rest of you. Stop living in FEAR, accept death (which is the 3rd worst thing that can happen to you, 2nd being loss of a loved one and 1st is imprisonment) as it WILL happen eventually. Your loved ones WILL DIE at some point, accept this fact and face it when it happens. WE are ALL the SAME and have retracted so much from nature into our concrete shelters that we no longer understand this world. This has led to people forming ideas that we are aliens and don't belong to this world. In MY opinion that is rubbish, you are here for NO SPECIFIC REASON, you ARE NOT UNIQUE, you ARE NOT SPECIAL, YOU are simp

In MY opinion that is rubbish, you are here for NO SPECIFIC REASON, you ARE NOT UNIQUE, you ARE NOT SPECIAL, YOU are simply a part of nature. Whatever choices you make in this life do not matter, you will not be judged at the end, you will simply decay and become part of the earth that bore you - fertiliser if you will. Maybe your "spiritual" energy (if it exists) will be used again, but if its negative then its of no use.

As a conclusion, if you have read this post then I thank you sincerely for taking the time to share an interest in another human's so far short but very insightful time on OUR planet. There isn't a single person on our planet that can make you do anything you don't want to do if you so wish. Nature will do what it does regardless of what we do and we, even as a collective, are not powerful enough to change that. This may seem hypocritical coming from a scientist but science IS NOT THE ANSWER it is merely the most widely accepted and probable opinion of something. I am going to live my life as I want, and while I cannot just immediately control my emotions I CAN control my actions which as I have come to understand affects my cognitive responses over time. I no longer care what any of you think of me, I will treat you ALL equally with the respect I deserve, I will stand shoulder to shoulder with those of you who wish to live peacefully for the betterment of EVERYTHING. The only acceptable and useful emotion is curiosity as it forms the basis of our existence and understanding. It is when this curiosity is restricted and controlled by another of equal measure that we find ourselves living a pointless life.

On a departing note - please everyone just relax a little. Stop confiding so closely in things you don't actually need for a false sense of achievement or happiness. You are happy RIGHT NOW, you just have so many other "versions" of this emotion clouding your judgements. If the world ends in 2012 then it ends, if anyone tries to make you do ANYTHING you REALLY don't want to do then there is nothing in this world that will make you do it if your resolve and self worth is strong enough. Exchange fear for excitement, exchange anger for passion, exchange hatred for motivation, exchange boredom for self improvement and reflection. Despite what anyone else thinks, my god is nature. It is a system, a perfect system that we are part of and I trust in that to do what it needs to do and it trusts in me to do what I need to do. I no longer feel alone now I have come to realise that we are all the same. Of course we will fight, we will disagree, we will have positive and negative emotional impacts on each other but that is what a species does. What it does not do however is try to CONTROL every other member nor does it consume more than it actually needs - where this came from I'll never understand but I will NOT be part of it EVER.

I commend you for the journey you are taking. The hardest one is always the one that involves facing ourselves.

I have gone through similar opinions and conclusions that you are drawing in this thread. However experiences of life may lead to change your opinions and conclusions.

I would say it is quite healthy to constantly be changing your view and perspective as it represents an open mind and an ability to do what you are doing that is to look at yourself and be ok with being wrong.

That being said from my own personal perspective currently, I do not fear death. I truly believe in freedom and it takes on a whole new meaning for me the more I research and study.

While I do not think this is the case, you may be absolutely correct that there is nothing after death and we are not unique. I happen to think we are all here for a reason just not to save the world but to save ourselves. Either way in my mind there is not justification for anyone at all taking away the freedom of another human being to live their journey as they see fit as long as they do not harm anyone else.

We need much more than water, food, and shelter to truly live. Imprisonment which you labeled as the number one thing to fear and which I agree with can come in many forms. We ourselves are usually the ones who imprison ourselves in the most depressing and tragic ways on so many levels. Granted we certainly have a lot of help from tptb.

However I will not allow someone else to take away my freedom nor that of others.

reply to post by Terric


This is quite honestly the most profound piece of writing I have ever had the privilege read on ATS.

I can't even think of any comments because I think you said it all.

To Gemineye: thanks for taking the time to read it. I really am thankful you listened to my feelings.

To Anonymous Avatar: absolutely right, this may not be THE answer but it is an answer I am finally happy to conclude with and the only one so far that has ever made me feel truly at peace. Indeed prison comes in many forms, obviously the worst of them being the mind. People certainly need more than the basics, we need each other, we need peace, we need balance and more than anything we need freedom.

My conclusions weren't a light bulb going off in my head or any physical euphoria, I didn't really feel any physical stimulus whatsoever. I still have the memories of how I used to percieve "the world" as it is impossible to just change in a matter of days. It will be an ongoing journey, most likely for the rest of my life. However, having finally accepted myself I am no longer anxious of social situations. If someone dislikes me then I have absolutely no problem with that - it is THEIR opinion and it belongs to THEM. Obviously if I am disliked for good reason then I must resolve it, but I will know in myself whether or not I am being unreasonable.

The thing with right and wrong is that it doesn't really exist. This spectrum is a human construct and is subjective to an individual's interpretation. Things are "right" because the majority of the population believe so. There is no "right" for everyone, it takes EVERY SINGLE PERSON on this planet to form their own conclusion based entirely from firm foundations and freedom of thought - one thing I will say however that is obviously contradictory to what I have just said is that one person trying to control another is WRONG. It is a bug in the system that is leading to a crash, call it a divide by 0 or infinite loop.

It may take a hard reset to resolve things or maybe, just maybe, people can find it within themselves to become happy with who they are and just simply accept their misery stems from various insecurities and their lack of control over whatever it may be.

Me - well whoever you may be bring on your police state, bring on your mandatory vaccines and other control mechanisms. I'm not accepting them if I don't want to. And yes I will 100% accept death as an alternative. I'll fight you if I have to, even though I don't want to harm you as you obviously live a life of misery if someone is dictating to you what you should be doing with your life and how you should percieve the world.

thank you
from all of my heart..

reply to post by Tetragrammaton


I'm glad my thoughts helped in some way, thanks for taking the time to digest

I have experienced this too, so have many others. Unfortunately, some never will. The phenomena is called "growing up". Congrats on your journey.

Terric,
Thank you for sharing so much! I disagree with Vance, this is a little more than growing up. This is a form of enlightenment, and you have attained it at a very young age. You will undoubtedly continue to adapt and evolve your views, but you have a very strong foundation at this point!

I will draw some analogies that are a little cliche, but I think they apply to your willingness to look inward, and accept yourself, and face death if need be!

Many trained fighters find that they no longer need to fight!

Many Rich people find Money is not what they sought!

Many Promiscous People find Sex is not what will satisfy them!

Most of us Conspiracy Theorists, think the Truth will satisfy us, but when we find it, then what? I know a lot more than the average person, but it does me absolutely no good!!

Terric, you are wise beyond your years in knowing that you will not always be able to control your emotions, but you can control your actions, and by doing so, you will evolve your cognitive thoughts!

Good Luck on your Journey, and thank you so much for sharing! You have provided me a big Boost in my own journey, and I appreciate it!

reply to post by getreadyalready


Thanks for your sentiments getreadyalready, and vance I also agree it is part of "growing up". However, there are many people I have spoken to since that are 40+ years old who wish they'd stopped wasting time when they were younger being shackled with such illusions. There are also people 40+ years old who still haven't "grown up", am I lucky or honoured or special in any way? No, absolutely not, getreadyalready said it perfectly - I have firm foundations and a strong sense of self worth and integrity that I can now start developing UP from.

I feel I have LIVED a LOT despite my youth. I have seen things, experienced things, felt things that have affected me very deeply. I have felt probable absolutes of hatred and anger that my state of mind could be attributed to being in "hell", I have also experienced such happiness and peace (non-substance induced may I add) that my state of mind could be attributed to being in "heaven".

With regards to religion, its not that I don't believe in a god - it's that I don't feel I NEED one. I am part of something already, and whatever it is doesn't see any point in CONTROL measures such as frequent worship or repentence or anything else. I will not be judged by ANYONE for my actions made through a life I never asked for - but I am happy I have this life regardless and will continue to do so until whatever happens... happens.