Learning The Hard Way

reply to post by Pandapple


You know this use to happen to me and it was due to past relationship trust issues. I was always lied to and cheated on so it made me very very suspicious of anyone i was with. It chased some away and then I realized I need to change that pattern in my next relationship. I have been with my bf over a year and currently we live 8 hrs apart. The old me would be freaking out daily and calling all day and really bothering him and questioning what he was doing. I have a few times almost but realized he is NOT the other guys and he shouldnt be punished for others did to me. So far it has been great. We have the utmost trust for each other and for me and him it was hard. We were both burned bad in the past and had major trust issues but for some reason for us has worked well. I dont question everything he does and he is very honest with me. He even tells me when someone hits on him because we have mutual friends and they tell me when I visit him anyways. All his friends talk about how loyal he is to me even with the amount of women who hit on him. The old me would be freaking over this but the new me doesnt think twice....When you have been burned it makes it hard to trust anyone I think. I was in an abusive relationship too and it made my issues even worse which ran off a really good guy and that is why I changed my ways. I had to realize they are not all the same and when you step back and think that and really believe not all men are the same you will feel much better..well I did at least. I know it's hard after being burned but if you change that way of thinking you will be surprised. As for you ex yes sometimes time does work. I always says you earn trust and it is not given. If someone gives me a reason not to trust them then I dont plain and simple and then it's even harder to get it back. My bf has not once broken my trust or even made me think otherwise.

I am sorry things didnt work out as planned and I know it sucks, believe me I felt that way about someone once but I thought of it like they were a learning experience which lead me to my current bf. I like to think I learn a lesson in each relationship until I get it right..lol

[edit on 7/19/2009 by mblahnikluver]

Well, I've scheduled a doctor's appointment for tomorrow. I've decided to get a referral to see a psychiatrist. Hopefully, I can find one that won't cost me an arm and a leg.

Years ago, I dated a guy (who treated me good) for roughly a month. It wasn't long enough to develop real feelings of love, but it was enough to want to take things further. He ended up cutting contact with me unexpecetedly, his reason being that seeing me was getting in the way of his studies. It hurt, but I was still able to pull myself together within a week - just like every failed relationship since. So, whether they were good or not, the aftermath has always been bearable. Oh, and I discovered years later that the whole studying thing wasn't the real reason. Surprise, surprise.

I don't understand why it's "different" with my ex. To grieve for an entire month, as if somebody has died, is not natural to me at all. I keep trying to convince myself that it wouldn't have happened if it wasn't supposed to, that "fate" (or whatever) doesn't make mistakes. That maybe I chose, before being born, to experience such a situation in order to learn how to deal with it. Maybe I'm being prepared for something great? Because.. How can something that feels so wrong on so many levels be justified?

It all seems so cruel. I've had a horrible life. I was molested as a child, I've been raped three more times since then, I was isolated and bullied on a daily basis throughout my childhood and teen years, etc.. Then, when I finally find something that makes me truly happy, I screw it up. Maybe that's why it's so hard to let go? I'd finally been "given" something that made sense.

Yes, I'll learn to accept things the way they are over time. However, a year from now, I'll still be able to say that I love who I love. I'll keep it locked in my heart forever. Unfortunately, that's the path I've chosen for myself. To stop loving him just because he's not present would only prove that I never truly loved him in the first place.

To all those who have someone they love (who loves them back). Don't let petty things get in the way. Don't let yourself be blinded by insecurity. Listen to each other, talk to each other. Cherish every moment because it just might be your last. Don't make excuses.

Originally posted by Pandapple

I keep trying to convince myself that it wouldn't have happened if it wasn't supposed to, that "fate" (or whatever) doesn't make mistakes. That maybe I chose, before being born, to experience such a situation in order to learn how to deal with it. Maybe I'm being prepared for something great? Because.. How can something that feels so wrong on so many levels be justified?

To stop loving him just because he's not present would only prove that I never truly loved him in the first place.

I so understand what you're saying.

In the end I put it down to it just being a very hard lesson that I must have needed.

Whether or not I still love him is hard to say. I wouldn't want to spend any more of this lifetime with him, but it all went so much deeper than just this lifetime. That's what made it so hard - to think you've found an old friend, someone who connects at such deep levels and then they're only with you for a short time. Just seems unfair.

I hope someone will be able to help you get over this. And if you can't get over it, go through it. If that doesn't work, go round it. You'll find a way.

Wow, it's been a while since I've visited this thread. Yes, I just finished reading through the entire thing. What a wonderful eye-opener!

I'm proud to report that I am.. SINGLE AND HAPPY!

Once again, I'd like to thank everybody who contributed and offered support during the painful period of a stranger. You guys are angels.

Reading back on everything.. Wow, just wow. I can't believe how much progress I've made since then. Now, I practice positive thinking and reinforcement every single day. I am a more mature and grateful person.

As for my ex, ha! Apparently, he's lost all of his friends and is a bit of a loser now. He even impregnated a married woman 10 years his senior with a primary school aged daughter! What on Earth did I see in him!? -facepalm-

Reflecting on a comment I made in one of my previous posts:

Fate does NOT make mistakes!

reply to post by Pandapple


Hi - what a welcome post. I've wondered often how you were getting on.

Single and happy sounds good.

I'm so glad to know that you are in a happier phase of your life. Well done for having the strength to pull yourself through.

I do not mean to sound negative or upset you and if someone else has brought this up I am sorry I did not read the whole thread. But it sounds to me like there is someone else in his life and he was strugeling with letting you go. Maybe who ever it is was giving him a run around too trying to make up her mind so he was confused. I could be wrong and I hope I am but that is what it sounds like to me.