shattering the ego

At first, let me admit that i am unhappy with my inner self. My behaviour patterns are sometimes rigid, i lack of creativity and intuitivity, i have recurrent thoughts and emotions that block me from new ways of habits and dreams and behaviour. All in all, life seems to be foreseeable and dull. Not that i strive for anything in particular, i am just not content with the feeling i have towards life.

So, for over a year now, i meditated, did Qi Gong and changed a lot of what i was unhappy with. New dimensions and sources of joy surfaced and everything inner and outer became brighter and clearer. That was good and nice, nevertheless i am still unhappy and i know that this partly stems from my unabillity to get rid of my ego.

Then something strange happened during meditation: I saw myself in a deep state of awareness, i saw my behaviour in different situations, past memories that haunt me or make me joyful or sad or content and whatever... but deep down from my being i got the clear impression: That's all old and dull and useless, senseless. Shatter it. So i did. I willingly exploded the vision of these memories and saw them disappear in a cloud of dust. Immediately my body felt different, not lighter, not heavier, just different.

Then the next memories surfaced and i asked myself whether i want them to remain or want them to vanish. I decided for the latter and they blew up in a dustcloud. My body felt even more different. In the next step, memories and people that are dear to me surfaced and i really felt a deep and positive love towards these. Nevertheless i blew them up and they vanished.

This happened many times and i decided every time to get rid of everything. Not out of a specific reason, only due to the deep urge from inside, to free myself from myself. Or better, what i view as important parts of myself.

That session was yesterday. The night i slept well, without many dreams that normally come to me every night, as usual after meditation. But today, i feel quite different. Empty and enormously clear, but heavy and quite indifferent to my surrounding. And i feel the clear urge to meditate, again out of no specific reason. I just want meditation and nothing else.


I am very sure that i did a step in the right direction. Too many things in this world distracts us from our true inner self and to shatter the past thought structures might be the beginning of something entirely new. Sometimes i caught some glimpses of these new worlds and they are truly astonishing. But i don't know to where this path leads me. I always needed an ego and never made it through the world with complete openness. As long as i can think back, there have been many veils between me and the reality. These veils thin out, but the beauty and the ugliness of the world hits me now unprotected and i am not sure, why i should handle the reality without any gloves. Though there is an urge, that forces me in that direction, i can't foresee what will happen next. That's why i posted the story.

What comes next? What happens to oneself in a state of unprotected openness? With all these people, who do not care about inner wisdom but go solely for success with all means available? Is there a way to remain honest and open in this world?

light n' peace

Yes I agree wholeheartedly as once one gets, " Out of their Mind(ego) "
As the age old society saying goes then one can become an open mind for the infinite zero point energy that waits there patiently for that time.
Yes I find the egoic concerns of form are the primary cause of this illusionary reality of war.
As the Qi force is simple and profound in truth.
When one does not concern itself for defenses of any kind then one can see through the veil and understand all is innocent and joyfull in Oneness
Remember the saying from the teacher: Jeshua Ben Joseph (Jesus Christ)
"The meek shall inherit the earth"

[edit on 19-6-2009 by Epsillion70]

"The meek shall inherit the earth"



Yes, maybe it's meek. I'd prefer "pacifist", though.

Remember Gandhi's words: "There is no way to Peace. Peace is the way". And lies and veils are deception and war.

Maybe it needs more strength to resist the war than fight the war

reply to post by Wachstum

Yes Meek can symbolize a pacifist. I also see it as being innocent and humble in understanding
The only strength one will ever need is inner strength after all it is only
bodies that can only make war with each other, however minds do not,

reply to post by Epsillion70


Bodies can't do wars, or peace or anything. They are just flesh and bones. The mind does everything and is responsible for everything. And maybe there is an inner being, but the biggest force in life is the mind.

So, quieting the mind is the very first thing to do. To perfect yourself, to achieve piece and much more

reply to post by Wachstum


I agree yes the mind is the source because when it identifies with a form then it becomes sick and the mind is in error(ego) which then projects on to the body to make war with other bodies.
The universe and everything in it is ultimately neutral. It is the mind that projects the idea of good or bad.

[edit on 19-6-2009 by Epsillion70]

reply to post by Wachstum


Thanks I really enjoyed you sharing this journey. S&F for the simple intelligent way you laid it out for us. Well done.

Mastering ourselves is what its all about, in time the satisfaction of taming one's egoik impulses far surpasses any sense of happiness
After deconstruction, rebuilding is necessary as your ultimate goal is the fusion of your ego soul and spirit. It quite happens on its own after one has suffered enough and becomes aware of the game.

The perception of the ego is different to the person who has delved inside and someone who still operates through it. The two can not longer cohabitate.

A line has been drawn in the sand, and polarities have never been so well defined.

Lets see how it all plays out and if the "meek" have a home in this vast universe

Thank you... honestly, i did not expect a compliment for the style of the text, since my english is more like "ahh, it's obviously his second language"

Originally posted by HulaAnglers
...and becomes aware of the game.

You know, that are exactly the words i'd use to describe what happens. Why?

A game is entertainment. In itself it is quite irrelevant. Nevertheless, you will be punished when you break the rule.

A game has rules. But the rules are not real, as is the game. In contrast, the punishment is real, for the soul, the unconscious or whatever term you prefer.

Isn't that the feeling everyone in this world has? Everyone tries to get along with the least possible harm done to his real being. That's why they hide behind a mask. They are afraid. That's why it is so painful to tear off the masks.

Looking behind the veil means in essence, to realize you are not alone. With your doubts, with your pain and the longing for honesty. Your hunger for reality is a hunger for yourself and other real selves.

Without the usage of any religious or philosophical concepts, that is also the definition of sanity: We are all in the same boat, we feel the same, there is no need for destruction.


I hope these rants do some good

Once ego has been destroyed it is easy to see how everything is one.
If everyone could experience just a few moments without it things would be clear for everyone to see.

I also want to commend you on your ability to verbalize your progress.

HulaAnglers said it, then you reiterated it about becoming aware of "the game".

I think the best thing we could ever do once we are willing to "rip away the mask" is re-learn everything we thought we knew about how the world really works. Become interested in the world around us and strive for an understanding of the real root to happiness.

*Tip* High-paying, stressful careers are NOT the quickest way to pleasure and happiness. They are counter-productive.

Our society has been made to falsely value our material, intellectual and political progress all the while not understanding how these systems have been made to undermine individual security, happiness, reason and our capacity for real emotions.

Our despair is growing yet it's hidden under a frantic drive for work and so-called "pleasure".

Understanding this forces us to reevaluate all that we once cherished as highly significant and valuable. When we being this process, great waves of individual progress can be made for the first times in our lives.

I can see and tell you are headed in the right direction. Good luck!

reply to post by StrangeBrew


I am not sure whether we agree on both of our perspectives: While i agree totally that bold materialism is counterproductive, i actually spoke against the hopeful possibility to relearn what you once dismissed.

A relearned structure may be a different and even more fitting structure and maybe a more true structure - nevertheless it is a structure with which you judge and evaluate the world around you. I don't believe in the use of this relearned piece of system. I prefer a human without a system at all, who lives solely by his intuitive and fertile intuition. Not that thinking is prohibited, but my basic thought is, thinking is possible without any structure.

That sounds obviously false, because the possibillity to think stems from its roots in the web of words and meanings and these are hierarically structured structures.

Nevertheless, my meditation successes suggest, that thinking without thoughts is possible. Once in a state of meditation, you may be able to just perceive, not only the world, but the solutions and possibilities that lie in the world and in the things.

"Let the thoughts flow", yes, but the intuitive knowledge does not depend on thoughts, it is a far more complex world out of emotions and thoughts, pictures, tactile feelings, etc.

To close the circle, i experienced that every structure, no matter how complex or true it might be, is less capable than the most simple intuitive state of meditation.

good luck and peace

I really enjoyed reading your story. I think society has taught us that people have to wear a mask in different situations in order to be accepted or whatever.

I think that when we realize that we no longer need the mask to protect ourselves from others, then we can be truly happy within.

I am a fairly happy person most of the time, with who I am as a person, not about the material things. I am happy with my life and my family.

Forgive me if this reply is a simple little thing, sometimes its hard for me to explain what it is im trying to say through words sometimes...

I hope you continue to find the happiness in you..

reply to post by notsosweet


Thank you for your honest reply. I know it is hard to say the most obvious things, but it is a good exercise for real meditation

Correct me, if i got you wrong:
You know that you should be happy, with your family and your life. But you once knew a more intense happiness, but for one reason or the other you gave up the search and it soon faded. You thought it would come back when you have all the things that 'should' make you happy, but you recently realized, that this is not the case. Not at all.

What can one say to someone, who took the wrong turn? One wrong turn, one opportunity missed and all seems futile. However, in this equation you totally forget, that not one earthly thing can make you happy. The turns, opportunities, chances or whatever have not the least value...

So, look back, look in front, do that, do this, whatever you think is necessary. But whatever you do, will not have the least effect on your happiness. except you turn your gaze to the inside............