Microsoft vs. the Borg

I don't know if this has been posted before but to me its hillarious. It's from an email that a friend sent me.

The Borg versus Microsoft: "Star Trek Lost Episodes"
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Yesterday at 10:12pm
Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"

Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

Fifteen minutes later . . .

Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

Two hours pass . . .

Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"

Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard "Identify."

Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"

Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I understand that it often proves fatal."

Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!"

Wait...wrong forum. I wasn't thinking and thought it was the joke forum. Someone move this please

lol that was very funny! The Klingons did try the "lawyer tactic" in Star Trek VI against Captain Kirk and Bones, but luckily Worfs ancenstor had their backs! See Picard was taking the wrong tactic towards these lawyers and microsoft, he should have just started shooting. If Kirk were in the same exact situation, he would have destroyed microsoft and the lawyers once and for all, also he would have been in a fist fight with Bill Gates, probably would have done something to destroy the enterprise yet again, then when everything is said and done, he would be with some bimbo, green or human, didn't matter. While all of this would be going on, Spock would be saying "Jim, you are an illogical, irrational human being for taking this course of action"

reply to post by nastalgik


There's also a 21st century know-how to optimize Windows, it can be searched via google. One of the steps include disabling automatic updates and unused OS-native programs. Plus a 3rd party software to refresh RAM after windows bootup.

Maybe this is what the Borg did! That took me a few years to find out though!

I'm pretty sure "that script" underestimated Bill and Microsoft.....

I'm sure the BORG would of been assimilated quickly and turned into....

TECH SUPPORT

The problem with the BORG is they never read the EULA !!!!



[edit on 15-6-2009 by The Utopian Penguin]