"Trust Issues" and all of that emotional baggage.

Just my thoughts....

I understand the trust issues as I have been involved in relationships on both sides. What you are referring to as armor or others are referring to as insecurities, I call walls. IF you build your wall or put on your armor to hide and protect your insecurities you are incapable of having the type of realtionship taht we all deserve. By doing this you are not only alienating yourself but you are doing a great dis-service to your mate as well. True intamacy, Love, and trust is built over time. It does not alwasy happen overnight. That is actually the greatest pasrt of it. You must learn to trust your partner with your feelings, desires, and insecurities and allow them to trust you with theirs. This is all part of communication. By doing so you will build that trust that you seek. It's called tearing down the walls. Yes, you are opening yourself up to hurt and heartbreak but that is part of life. You have to think that when you are heartbroken it wasn't meant to be and you are opening yourself up for an even greater love than you could ever imagine. You simply need to find that person that you can communicate your innermost feeling with.

Just for a note here. Guys are really bad about this and just don't get it. Most woman do get it and they will love and adore you for it. If you want a womans heart you must first show her yours.

Thanks for your response, photobug. And as an aside, thank you for not accusing me of being controlling and insecure. I think that you're very right about the walls. I made a very conscious effort after my last relationship to build up these "walls." I figured I could never feel that bad again if I never felt that good again. The problem is, now that I've found a really great girl, how do I tear them down? I suppose, like you said, they'll come down with time. I just wish that she would understand that, when I'm a little uncomfortable with the idea of her drinking heavily with a big group of guy friends, one of whom is her ex boyfriend, it's not a lack of trust in her, but a mentality that's been built up for years. The mentality that the majority of relationships fail, so what's so special about mine?

How do you tear them down? Now thats a difficult question that you will have to find within yourself. The key however is communication and intamacy of the mind. If you have that or are willing to give that then you will find out a lot about your girl. Your girl should be your best friend. You should be able to talk to her about anything that is on your mind as she should be able to do the saem with you. It may take your initiation on that to get her to do the same.

Think of it like this, in a relationship you have to be able to build up that trust by trusting or having the knowledge that no matter what you tell your partner she is going to love you the same and not pass judgement or use what you tell her against you and vice versa. Of course there will be times where she will not want to hear what you have to say or even be upset at what you have to say but the bottom line is she should be able to accept it and appreciate that you are being open and honest with her.

Now I am not saying that you should spill all of your innermost desires and fears with her right away but start small and see where it goes. By doing this you will then begin to sense where she is at in the relationship. You will then start to see how important you are to her or how unimportant. You may also begin to find things out about her that you did not know. Thats part of the process in defining whether you really love her for her or whether your love is more of an infatuation or a puppy love. When you find the right woman and you grow together with an intamacy of the mind all the other aspects of the relationship become an incredible journey and one that will bring you incredible happiness and closeness.

As far as drinking with your friends and her ex. You have to put that out of your mind. He's her ex. and he's her ex for a reason. He doesn't matter. you have to rememeber that. If he does matter to her and it is something blatant and something you can not deal with then perhaps it's time to start looking for the right woman.

As an exercise when you are with someone or start dating try writing to her or maybe talking over phone and not in person. Sometimes it's easier for people to open up on paper or when the other is not in your face. Then ask her questions about things and be ready to honestly give answers back to her about the same questions. This will help with your intamacy and communication. For example.......

What are some things you are most afraid of?
Whats your earliest childhood memories?
where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Start with the basics then from there you can build up to more intimate type questions and/or questions of things that are important for you in regards to what you are looking for in a mate.

It's all about communication and getting her and yourself to open up to each other. If she won't do it then she is not the one.

and how there is absolutely no way for me to really know for certain that nothing's going to happen.

If life was certain, where would be the fun in that? It's like watching a movie and knowing the ending.

It's like the movie City of Angels. Great film....crappy ending. So, what do you do? It was fun while it lasted, but then ended up like crap. So, you just go rent another movie. (i.e. enjoy the relationship of the present without worrying about it...if it goes south later, then at that point, move on...but for now, enjoy it).

Thanks, photobug. We actually are very efficient communicators. We've talked about most things that are close to us, and she's even opened up to me about things that she's never been able to tell anyone else. You're right though, the process is difficult, and I'm still working on being better with this kind of thing myself.

Originally posted by photobug
As far as drinking with your friends and her ex. You have to put that out of your mind. He's her ex. and he's her ex for a reason. He doesn't matter. you have to rememeber that. If he does matter to her and it is something blatant and something you can not deal with then perhaps it's time to start looking for the right woman.

Yeah, it is stupid for me to get upset about it, but it's hard to help. It's like a primitive urge that was instilled into my gender during the caveman days. I see guys pining for her attention, and it bother me a little. Add to the equation that she's slept with one of the guys...and that there's going to be alcohol involved, and it's like a recipe for disaster even if I know she'd never willfully violate my trust. They were good friends before they started becoming involved, and what they had was really more of a summer fling...never 'officially' started, which I guess means it never 'officially' ended. It only ended because she came back to my state for another year of college. For all I know, the guy still wants her.

Originally posted by Gazrok

and how there is absolutely no way for me to really know for certain that nothing's going to happen.

If life was certain, where would be the fun in that? It's like watching a movie and knowing the ending.

It's like the movie City of Angels. Great film....crappy ending. So, what do you do? It was fun while it lasted, but then ended up like crap. So, you just go rent another movie. (i.e. enjoy the relationship of the present without worrying about it...if it goes south later, then at that point, move on...but for now, enjoy it).

I really like that analogy. It actually helped me think about it in a better light haha.

reply to post by Herman


(note: I keep using "love" even though it might not apply to all you guys, using it for consistency)

I'll go more in depth with the "wall" analogy as I have personal and educational experience with it.

Trust issue like you're exactly explaining right now can initially be caused by a difference of attachment styles in couples. There's 3 main types, avoidant (avoids strong emotional attachment - fend for yourself, only 100% trust yourself throughout life, etc...), anxious (easily puts trust in others but fears reciprocation - does she love me? will she cheat on me?), and secure (for all intents and purposes - full trust of each other) attachment styles. The attachment style you are most likely reflects your past relationships since birth.

If you are of an anxious attachment style you will have fears that she will mess up, not love you back, something like that - even though deep down you know how much you love her.

This is where the wall is created - you have your feelings for her locked away deep down, cuz you know how much you care about her, but when she tries to find that box of feelings for her, you're standing guard over it trying to make sure she loves you enough first before you open it for her.

This is the wall.

In order for your emotional closeness to strengthen you need to let go of that box friend.

I myself had myself an iron clad suit of armor after my relationship with my ex - which my current girlfriend had to break down in order for our relationship to progress. The thing is, she couldn't get it down until I opened the box for her.

Until I started opening up to her, telling her what I was really thinking, stopped hiding my feelings, started sharing my opinions on subjects that people don't like to share opinions on, telling her when I thought she was being unfair in the relationship, accepting when she told me I was being unfair...the box was finally open for her.

I'm a psych student so whenever she asked me something like "do you think people should live together before they are married?" I would cite 3 or 4 research studies on rising divorce rates and tell her how living together would weed out these conflict based relationships that are causing the divorce rate to triple since the 70s and single parent families to quadruple....

...when all she was looking for was my opinion, yes, or no.

Sure it makes logical sense to cite psych research studies but what emotional connection does that give to your personal relationship?

Nothing.

There's your wall.

Take down the emotional wall that you have up and you two will be able to connect and then you'll find "Love."

Trust issues will be a thing of the past.

dviper - thanks for your insightful advice. It has helped me out.