It's over and I feel horible, again.

So tomorrow marks the last day (physicaly) of and eight year marriage, as I'll see my family to the airport to board a plane that will take them(and a large part of me) to another state. We have been married for eight years and have one child together, she has one child from a previous relationship and I call him son, I have since he was two. After years of termoil, constant fighting and arguing, consistant struggle, and a previous seperation, we've decided to throw in the towel.

I am absolutly heartbroken, moreso at the situation as a whole and seeing my family disbanded then anything else. I expect the split will benefit us greatly in the longrun but that dosn't put out the now flaming good intentions that are strewn about our home. I would like to think that hey we tried, but in truth it was more like, hey I tried and failed.

Nobody deserves to be unhappy or uncontent with their situation and that was a major motivator for the decession. We initially got married young and I would advise any hoping to do the same aginst it. Why would BTS care about my situation? maybe there's a reader who is in a simaler situation needing to know that their not the only one. Maybe sombody who happens to read this after a fight with their signifficant other on something trivial, may look back and reconcile putting petty differences aside. maybe there's a lonley reader thinking that they would give anything for love, or something close for that matter.

Maybe it's none of the above and I am just looking for support during a tough time.Regardless of the reason(s) I hope all fellow BTSers find happiness in life and love, for I know well that it's a pisser.

I can relate to your woes alyosha1981. Five years ago I watched as the lady that I was engaged to decided to go back to her abusive ex husband, taking her amazing little girl with her. I was crused. I was destroyed but I mved ahead without the solidarity that I had with her. Once again engaged to an amazing girl that I can feel comfortable saying is the one person I have been looking for. It took time to get back into a life where I was able to see myself viable for dating but it happened. I feel for you. Be well comrade.

reply to post by alyosha1981

Hi there.
Really, really sorry to hear about your marriage goin pear shaped.
I know you're totally gutted , but after readin your thread, it seems that you and your wife maybe were'nt that well suited. Especially with all the arguments you were havin.
Believe me I know what it's like to be in a miserable, soul destroyin marriage. Like you, I got married very young and I've paid the price for it for years.
You've let your wife and family go, which I admire you for. I know that must have been so hard for you. I tried leavin my husband once and he hired a private detective to track me down. Gettin out for me is more difficult.
I wish you happiness in the future and remember time is a healer.In a couple of years you'll probably look back on this and realise it was all for the best.

Lawyer up now.

Even if you part amicably, get a lawyer. You must do this for several reasons.

Even if your ex and you are on friendly terms, the law is on her side and sees you as a bad person. The law does not care for your rights and will screw you over massively. Only a lawyer can adequately defend your rights.

If she is taking the kids with her. It is time for you to start paying child support. Do not wait on this, start paying it now. The court does not care how much you see them during the separation period and will assess arrears based on the time you are apart.

He who files first wins. It is imperative that you file for divorce first. You are going to go through the most sexually biased system of justice in the universe. Even if you and your wife can agree on everything the court sees you as the bad person in this. File for divorce first.

You must do this for several reasons. You must do this to preserve your rights as a father. It doesn't matter if you two can work everything out between yourselves. This step helps you protect your rights against what the court deems fit. Believe me, the court sees dad as having absolutely 0 rights as a human being.

Honestly the best you can hope for is shared parental responsibility. This way both you and her are 50/50 responsible for your kids. Filing first and filing for shared parental responsibility helps ensure that you have more of a fighting chance to have your children in your life more.

WARNING WARNING WARNING DO NOT DATE ANYONE UNTIL THE DIVORCE IS FINAL! WARNING WARNING WARNING The court sees you two as still married until they decide to dissolve the marriage. If you are dating someone the court will automatically see this as infidelity and will award your ex accordingly. REPEAT DO NOT DATE ANYONE UNTIL THE DIVORCE IS FINAL!

I am sorry you have to go through this. It is a terrible thing for a family to have to split up. Please take my advice, your children are the most important thing in the world. You have to protect yourself so that you can have as much time with them as possible.

Also discuss with your ex on what behavior is appropriate in front of your children. They must understand that you two are not divorcing each other because of them. You and her must reinforce the fact that both of you love them and care about them the same as before. The difference is now mommy and daddy aren't living together.

Children get confused and they worry that a divorce is their fault. They must be reassured that it is not their fault that mommy and daddy don't live together. Also, please refrain from saying anything bad about their mother to them, or around them. They still love their mother and they deserve to.

Please, Parental Alienation Syndrome is not fair, and both you and her must safeguard against this at all costs. Both of you I assume love your children and even though you cannot deal with living together you must for the children's sake work together for their benefit.

What is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)?

This is the definition of PAS as described by R.A. Gardner who discovered the syndrome and has become an expert in dealing with the issue.

Gardner's definition of PAS is:

"The parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent."

(Excerpted from: Gardner, R.A. (1998). The Parental Alienation Syndrome, Second Edition, Cresskill, NJ: Creative Therapeutics, Inc.)

Basically, this means that through verbal and non verbal thoughts, actions and mannerisms, a child is emotionally abused (brainwashed) into thinking the other parent is the enemy. This ranges from bad mouthing the other parent infront of the children, to withholding visits, to pre-arranging the activities for the children while visiting with the other parent.

This comes back to my original point. LAWYER UP. Whether you like it or not you are in a war now. This is an emotional war. One that you must for your children's sake win. Depending on how you and your ex feel about each other is irrelevant. It is the courts you must defend yourself against.

Take my advice or not, but it is there for you to use.

I am sorry your children have to go through this. Please in no way put them in the middle. You know it would be unfair. Working with your ex to the benefit of your children is paramount. Above all that is the most important goal of any divorce. No matter what you are tied to this woman through your children and they need you both in their lives.

Ah man that just sucks!
I am here if you need to rant.
Theres always a silver lining to any cloud...I am not sure where it is in your situation but I am sure there is somewhere.
Time heals all wounds...be strong.

Thanks all, I will take all advice seriously. I'm broken emotionaly and worried about my kids, I hated seeing them leave like that and I am broken because of it. Hopfully I will be able to go out there and visit them sometime this summer. I'm stuck on the reality of this and can't continue typing, thanks again.

Man it really sucks to watch your family fall apart. I understand how you feel. I drug a marriage along kicking and screaming for 8 years before my ex bailed and I felt like I had failed too. The fact is that it takes two to make it work but only one to break it. If you did the best you could then just accept it and move on. There is no easy way to get through it but you'll get there.
If there was something I could say to make you feel better I'd say it a hundred times.
Stay busy. Don't beat yourself up over it too much. Keep in touch with the kids so they know it isn't their fault.
You need someone to talk too, just u2u.

reply to post by alyosha1981


I was right where you are a couple of years ago. Just before I found ATS. You are about to go through probably the worst hell that you could possibly go through. It is not going to be easy and it will make you cry on more than one occasion.

Like the first time you see your children again. Or worse when you have to let them go home with their mother for the first time, when you and the child know that they used to live there, safe, secure, with their daddy around.

You want to know crushing loneliness? Its the knowledge your children aren't in the next room. I would be astounded to hear that you have slept well.

And when the courts get involved. It just gets worse. Your gonna have a front row seat to what is an inequitable court. You will know Gender Bias. As far as the court is concerned the first piece of paper that comes up on their docket wins.

alyosha1981 this is the voice of experience. Do yourself a favor and on Monday morning, start looking for a lawyer. What you are going to shoot for is a shared custody arrangement. Where you and your ex get 50% shared parental responsibility. This is in the best interests of the child to have easy and unlimited access to both parents. As much as possible really.

Yes you and her can't stand each other and want away from each other as fast as possible. There is a catch though. As you are both parents you know you got to put the children first. They are the most important thing in the world. They need you both. And you and her have the right to raise those children.

You both right now have to give your children even more love and support. Talk to them, reassure them of your unconditional love for them. Tell them the truth, that you and mommy aren't going to be living together anymore but that you will always be a part of their lives and be there for them.

Again, to preserve your life. I urge you, PLEASE get a lawyer. Don't get to where I am. I did not have a lawyer and you have no idea what a nightmare my life is now. You don't have to go through that.

Your only purpose in life right now is to make damn sure you are in those children's lives.



[edit on 5/17/2009 by whatukno]

Think about it this way...

You made a healthy decision.

WTF am I talking about?

Well, if you had stayed together, the children would grow up seeing the disfunction and just think that that is what being married is like...they may have similar relationship problems. At least you realized it, and made the effort to start anew.

It won't be easy, but what is? Hopefully, you've at least worked out a way to still be in their lives, but think of this as a new beginning, instead of an end. You probably have to do a bit of "finding yourself" as a large part of that definition just got on a plane, but get to know that guy.... Take a deep breath, relax, realize it isn't the end of the world, and set new goals with these new parameters in mind....

Well I'm getting better slowly but surely, although everyday is painfull as I remain in the home that a full family once lived in( not too long ago) I have all of the reminders of my kids surrounding me, and as much as some would argue, it's more difficult because of that.

I talk to them everyday but they rarely say more then a half a sentence or two at best. I don't speak to her as all we would do is argue. Thanks for all of the support.

i feel for you. it sucks i know but i believe in destiny and it just wasnt yours to be with that person(not at this time anyway). you were with her for a reason and that reason is over. it doesnt have to feel good and you dont have to like it. you will grow from this experience and 5 years down the track you will see the reason for what happened. keep faith that the story isnt over yet and as long as there is a tomorrow, that perfect lady is out there. good luck to you sir, i wish you the best.