Need advice (from men and women)

Okay, so I've been best friends with this girl for as long as I can possibly remember (1st gradeish). At one point in high school it became more than just a friendship, but then I moved away (across the country) for college and she wanted to stay put, so we broke it off. Now she is dating a guy that I know for a fact is abusive and controlling and I think he may have hit her a few times (no proof but she has hinted it too me). Tonight she called me and we talked for a LONG time. She sounds like she wants out, and is telling me how much she misses me. I love her more than anything in the world, and honestly want to see her happy (whether she is with me or with someone else). What can I do or say to make her happy, and...I'm not even sure what I'm asking to tell you the truth. I had to talk to someone and ATS/BTS has always been good in the past for just putting stuff out there...

I think you already know what you want to do...you just want to hear others say it...

However, will need a bit more info to provide sound guidance.

Is she married?
Are there kids involved?

You said dating, so will assume the above two are "no"...but can't really assume much these days.

That taken....is she still across the country? If so, is there anything really tying one of you down to where you are?

I don't think there's anything you can say or do to make her "happy", but I'm sure it helps her just knowing she can vent to you. Whether or not it's more than that...only you can determine. All I can offer with the information given is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, so the worst thing that could happen is that you're in the same place you are now....while the best thing is that you could be together...

If she's being abused, that's a whole other can of worms, and she needs to get out, whether it's with you or somebody else, but she needs to get away from a guy like that. (and likely seek a legal remedy, such as a restraining order)...but you'll need to just address that pink elephant in the room and confirm it with her, vs. just heresay and hints....as this is serious business....(and gals attracted to such guys typically have their own insecurity issues, that you'll have to deal with).

Originally posted by Gazrok
Is she married?
Are there kids involved?
That taken....is she still across the country? If so, is there anything really tying one of you down to where you are?

Married: No
Kids: She accidentally got pregnant and miscarried, so no. (The miscarry situation is what got her upset this time. Her boyfriend refused to talk to her for about a week afterward and I guess he said some things that really upset her.)
Country: Yes she is. I am tied down being in college and all. Her not so much. In fact the only thing I can think of that would tie her down would be family but she isn't real close to any of them besides her mom.

Maybe you can do a little bot of digging around for her, in the Uk, there's an organisation called shelter. It's a safe charity for women who've been abused by their other halfs. (I'm going to presume that there's a simular thing in the states)They are always 100% sympathetic, and will help her in so many more ways than you can, from the other side of the country.

Maybe you can offer her a place to lay low for a while, but as you have previously been involved romanticly, it could be unwise, as you both may end up doing things that you may or may not later regret. Best thing is for your friend to have some space, so she can get her head sorted. It's got to be her decision though, this isn't something you can wade in and heroicly sort out. (as much as you want to, and as much as it hurts to see her hurting)

Of course, and whilst I'd never condone such a thing, maybe a phone call to some local lads who don't like blokes who hit women, could be in order. Karma can be a real bitch.

I hope your friend is out of harms way soon, try and reassure her that she's great. because alot of the time, women in abusive relationships can have their heads twisted up so much, that they try to justify the abuse with things like "I deserved it" or "I should have made his tea how he likes it" And that ain't so. You tell her how wonderful and deserving of better she is. And then just hope and pray that she listens.

best of luck with this one, it's a horrible situation to be in, you must feel helpless being so far away.

And as I said, I do not KNOW she is being physically abused. I do know she is verbally abused. From what she tells be, he sounds to have an almost bi-polar presence around her. One day he will be all romantic, and another an ass-hole. Indeed it is frustrating being so far away...

The only weapon you have at your disposal is talking. I know, it sounds lame.

Everytime she is upset or mad, or whenever, just let her talk to you. Constantly reassure her, and then when she is winding down on her vents, casually ask her questions.

Are you really happy with this guy?
Do you really want to stay with a guy who does X to you? or says X to you? How does it make you feel when he says this type of thing?
Do you want to be with him for the rest of your life?
Say, I don't understand why a smart, intelligent, independent woman like you is allowing X to treat you this way.
Tell her, you are there for her. Tell her what a wonderful girl she is, and you feel she deserves a hell of a lot better - infact you know ten guys who would cut off their right arms to be with her.

First I would like to suggest to you there is some truth to the saying "There is no going back in life"

You are not the person you were when you were last intimate with this young woman.

Shie is not the person she was when you were last intimate with this young woman.

Now the makeup of relationships between men and women can be incredibly complex. Both partners have ways that they vie for dominance.

One of the very worst kinds of relationships to get in to is referred to as a drama triangle.

A "Victim" is intimately involved emotionally and physically with a "Perpetrator" and seeks succor and emotional support from a third party with an emotional and sexual interest in them referred to as a "Rescuer"

Nine out of ten times though the Victim does not really want Rescued but to convince the Perpetrator that they can be Rescued and someone is looking to Rescue them as a ploy to get the Perpetrator to submit to a standard of behavior the Victim wishes to dominate the relationship with and through.

Very often to carry out this ploy the Victim will form a close and often sexually intimate relationship with the Rescuer to compell the Perpetrator to mend their ways and to acquiesse.

When the Perpetrator does this, which they will do nine out of ten times when a familiar strong emotional and sexual bond exists with the Victim, the Victim will drop the Rescuer like a hot potatoe to fully and exclusively resume the relationship with the Perpetrator and in that process turns the Rescuer into the Victim and assumes the role of the Perpetrator and reforms the original Perpetrator in the Triangle to Rescuer.

Triangles can carry on for years with each of the three people changing roles multiple times from Victim, to Perpetrator, to Rescuer and back and forth again and again.

Drama Triangles are extremely unhealthy as they encourage people to overstep Boundaries, and form a I am ok you are ok, they are not ok mentallity.

They usually end up in near constant heartache and heartbreak for everyone but the original Victim.

My best advice is to encourage her to seek professional help regarding her relationship and if through the course of that she leaves the current man she is involved with and over the course of time gains real closure and puts that relationship truly behind her, to then and only then think about getting emotionally and sexually involved with her.

reply to post by goldbomb444


It's not your job to make her happy. How can you make someone happy I mean real happiness not contentment of the moment. She has to find happiness within herself first.

If you are best friends then why don't you come out and ask her when she hints at stuff? Thats what best friends do.

A best friend doesn't fix your problems they help you with your problems. You can be her shoulder to cry on, her voice of guidience. You don't have to be her knight in shinning armour.

Your friend needs to learn she doesn't have to have someone in her life. That she needs to find herself to grow into the person that she can be first than find that someone special to go into her life.

It was her choice not to go with you when you left. It was her choice to date a guy that might be an abuser. Do not let it be her choice to either get you back there and drop out of college or you have her come live with you because she's in a pickle right now.

It sounds like you also need to figure out your feelings for this girl also. Is she your best friend or do you still think what you thought you had in the past is still there. Exactly what did you have in the past? Was it true love or friends that as they grew up just took that relationship a step further? Were you just being teenagers?

Other questions you need to ask are you the same person or have you grown up more than when you two were together? Is she the same person or has she changed at all? If she has changed is it for the better? If she hasn't changed would she still make you happy?

People have a tendency to leave someone and rush right into the next relationship. When that relationship goes bad they look back at the one that they think or know still cares and want them to pick up the pieces and to be in a relationship with them again. It becomes a pattern with some people when they know one person will always be there to pick them up and take them back. Don't let yourself be the one thats always there.

Draw your lines either you are friends or you are more than friends. If you are friends let her know you are just friends you'll be there for her BUT she has to get herself out of this mess she got herself into. That she has to find her own inner strength and her own self esteem. But you are there for moral support.

Originally posted by goldbomb444
And as I said, I do not KNOW she is being physically abused. I do know she is verbally abused. From what she tells be, he sounds to have an almost bi-polar presence around her. One day he will be all romantic, and another an ass-hole. Indeed it is frustrating being so far away...

If you even suspect that there is abuse taking place, I feel it would be wise to contact the police down where she is and alert them to your suspicions.

Do not sit by quietly, If you suspect there is something happening, do what you have to do, tell her family tell police, tell APS (adult protective services)

Call womens shelters and what not for advice. Call non emergancy police numbers for advice.

Bottom line, if you think she is being abused, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! If you do not, well, you may just not be able to see her again, if you catch my meaning.......

Please, for your friends sake, get help for your friend!

The only weapon you have at your disposal is talking. I know, it sounds lame.

Everytime she is upset or mad, or whenever, just let her talk to you. Constantly reassure her, and then when she is winding down on her vents, casually ask her questions.

Are you really happy with this guy?
Do you really want to stay with a guy who does X to you? or says X to you? How does it make you feel when he says this type of thing?
Do you want to be with him for the rest of your life?
Say, I don't understand why a smart, intelligent, independent woman like you is allowing X to treat you this way.
Tell her, you are there for her. Tell her what a wonderful girl she is, and you feel she deserves a hell of a lot better - infact you know ten guys who would cut off their right arms to be with her.

I'd agree with all of the above.....