14 Amazing Chuck Norris Facts ...

Enjoy ...

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity—twice.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry! *

More Chuck Norris Facts

[edit on 12 Apr 2009 by schrodingers dog]

These never get old for me And in the spirit of the board, I say he wrote this himself as an autobiography, but when the publicist said no, he turned to the internet.

Oh I love these things.

All hail the great and powerful Chuck

Chuck Norris does not refer to the periodic table... He only recognises the element of surprise.

No one has ever slept with Chuck Norris's mother... By all accounts it was an immaculate conception.

Chuck Norris has to use a blow torch to shave - No metal known to man stands up to his stubble.

absolutly hillarous
i had never heard of that guy before
pretty great dry humor!

Chuck Norris makes onions cry! *

my favorite

made my day - really

This is all very reminiscent of Bill Brasky:

"Bill Brasky once used a live rattle snake as a condom!"

"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong."

"His poop is considered currency in Argentina."

"I once saw him scissor-kick Angela Lansbury."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half—until sure enough, someone constructs a bar around us. Well, the day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found 'em!'"

"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."

"He hated Mexicans! And he was half-Mexican! ...And he hated irony!"

"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky... except for the part about planting apple trees... and not raping men."

"He did all the makeup on the Planet of the Apes movies."

"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."

"He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF and Smith & Wesson."

"They say Gene Roddenberry got the idea for Star Trek by listening to Brasky talk in his sleep."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives...except Fleegle."

"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."

"Brasky named the group Sha Na Na. They did not want to be called that."

"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds."

"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would've happened sometime."

"He breastfeeds John Madden!"

"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."

"He sleeps eight hours a night! Well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."

"His first name is Bill!"

"All the Yes album covers are Brasky family photos." *

[edit on 12 Apr 2009 by schrodingers dog]

"His poop is considered currency in Argentina."

*snort* hahahahahaha! My favorite.

i really wonder where you always get that stuff of or from?
braqsky is even better than noris !

now you get me begging for more

My buddy was waiting in line to get an autograph from Chuck Norris, and when it was his turn Chuck came up to him, looked at the picture, and the damn thing signed itself.

I got that from an ATS member somewhere along the line. It may have been you Schro.

reply to post by schrodingers dog

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.


If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.


Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded
out of sheer amazement.


Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.


Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.


A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris invented water.


Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty.


One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.


Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.


Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.


Chuck Norris once went to the Virgin Islands. They're now known as just The Islands..

[edit on 02/10/08 by karl 12]

CHUCK NORRIS IS TOUGH



When Chuck gets into a cab and the cab driver asks where I'm going I say, "None of your bloody business!!!

Chuck wasn't breast fed as a baby, he went straight onto cappuccinos.

When Chuck was a baby he pushed his own pram ... because he's tough.

Chuck's rice bubbles are too scared to go Snap, Crackle & Pop, they hide in the pack and go, "Shhhhhhhh, here comes Chuck!!!!"

Chuck never has to brush his teeth, he just let the toothbrush tremble in his mouth.

Chuck's so tough he uses aftershave .... before.

Chuck's so tough he glues worms to the pavement so he can watch the sparrows getting hernias.

Chuck's so tough his answering machine doesn't answer to anyone except Chuck!!

Chuck's so tough he drinks cordial ... straight from the bottle.

Chuck's so tough that when he gets a flat tyre he don't use a jack, he just take off all of his clothes, lays underneath the car and reads Playboy.

Chuck's so tough that when he go to the beach he kicks sand in his own face.


Chuck's so tough, Vitamins take Chuck.

Chuck's so tough he voted Republican and told people about it afterwards.

How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? NONE ... because tough guys aren't afraid of the dark!!!!!!!

***adapted from George Smilovich's I'm tough.



[edit on 20-4-2009 by atlasastro]

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Someone once asked Chuck Norris the philosophical question, "If a tree falls in a forest but no one is there to hear it, does it make a noise?". Chuck grinned at the fool and then used him to chop down the nearest tree while singing "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay".

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

We are all but figments of Chuck Norris's imagination.

U2U me to see what was here.....

Cheers!


[edit on 25-4-2009 by mf_luder]

Hehehe These are just classics...

Never get old...

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a guy so fast it broke the speed of light, went back in time and killed Amelia Earhart as she was flying over the Atlantic Ocean.

Chuck Norris the reason why Wally is hiding.

If it smells like chicken, tastes like chicken and looks like chicken, but Chuck Norris says it's beef, it's #ing beef.

And my personal favourite...

Chuck Norris beat the black outta Michael Jackson

[atsimg]http://files.abovetopsecret.com/images/member/cf3fb162cbb5.jpg[/atsimg]

Chuk Norris took each and every type of virus and made them into a nice green Pesto Verde....

Wow - topical and naff, I'm on fire

reply to post by Now_Then


Swine get the Chuck Norris virus!

Little kids don't cry when they find out Santa is fake,
They cry when they find out Chuck Norris is real.

Techno Viking -Chuck Norris's Arch Nemesis:

[atsimg]http://files.abovetopsecret.com/images/member/813f11e29393.jpg[/atsimg]

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.


Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.


If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.


The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into pre-production. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.


Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.