I fear I've lost a good friend. Dunno what to do!

His names Rob and he's been one of my best friends for 6 maybe 7 years now, although we haven't gone without our our share of dramas and fights.

I don't know why he's shutting me out, it seems so ...unprompted.

We used to get on so well, we used to have the best times, we used to trust each other and now he won't even engage in conversation. He just remains silent unless he's answered a question with a one word answer. It's clear he doesn't want to talk to me- although he'd never say that, and I'm certain he doesn't even want me over.

What the hell is going on? Things were fine and now this?!

Damn you Robert, why are you shutting me out?!



I feel that it's gotten to a point where there is nothing that I can do to reverse this and that I have to stand back to give him the space he's so clearly reaching for. I worry that even doing this, the friendship may have died. I used to be at times clingy and so he may just need a rest, but that was a long time ago, I don't think that is what's going on.

Do I have any other moves to make? Do yous know why this might be happening.




Edit to add:
I should probably give some more general info. We're both 20 y/o guys. We share a love for video games. We were friends through most of High School - some of which we were best friends. There was a time we were great mates in Intermediate school (11/12 y/o's) but we feel into different groups till year 10 (Form Four).

Err um- 3 months ago I came out to my friends as bisexual. I was worried it would complicate the friendship but it really didn't- I'd almost say it got better. Unlike my other friends, Rob somehow knew long before I had said anything, so I don't think that has anything to do with it but I could be wrong. I have a lot of trouble trying to 'read' him.

Up until about a month ago things were fine, we were getting on well. Then he seemed rather distant. Since then it's just gotten harder and harder, he just won't communicate. It's something personal, he's not doing this for anyone else, to the best of my knowledge.

[edit on 29-3-2009 by Welfhard]

Maybe it is not really you he is troubled with ...maybe he is dealing with some personal issues himself and just sort of clammed up .....distanced himself because he is having a hard time dealing with somethings in his life ..
I have some friends who when they are troubled ...stay way far away from me because I have a tendency to try and make them feel better or at least bring stuff up to try and make them talk about whatever is bothering them ..and they do not want to talk about it ...nor deal with anything .and they sure dont want to feel better .....they just want to sulk and pout about it for days ...weeks ....so they avoid me .....

reply to post by Simplynoone

I have a tendency to try and make them feel better or at least bring stuff up to try and make them talk about whatever is bothering them

Maybe. That certainly sounds like me. I kinda noticed that this wasn't the typical 'upset with me' Rob I know, he usually just turns into an asshole.

He has boundary issues. When people do things that upset him, he wont take it up with them and sort it out, he'll whinge to Jason or Nith. People end up doing stuff that upsets him and they don't even realise, meantime he's whining about it. Everytime I did something wrong it was at least a week before a little birdy told me and I went and confronted him.

Well first of all I will say that you are going to lose many friends during your lifetime.Its nothing you are doing so much as thats just how life goes.
Friends always come and go and enemies accumulate.
Your friend sounds like he has problems dealing with things and expects everything on his terms by the sounds of it.
If he wants to be left behind then do what he is doing and just ignore him and move on.
Its sucks but thats reality...alot of people are going to come in and out of your life.
Good luck man.

reply to post by DrumsRfun


I think you may be right, but on the chance that this isn't the case I would have lost a friend out of inaction.

So what else could it be?

Sometimes people change. It doesn't mean that either of you is at fault. Over the years sometimes we grow apart from people. Interests etc. change and maybe you were not clued in on it (aka maybe doesn't care about video games as much compared to other things in life.) For instance I've had friends that were heavy into the party lifestyle. I did dip my toe into this for a little while but, as I moved beyond that these people and I had nothing in common any longer. It happens. If I run into them we are friendly but, when we catch up we are further apart than ever year after year.

It may be something else but I dont think so.

Admitting to your best buddy that yo are bisexual has made him wonder if you want him that way. His male ego cannot handle that. It seems to me he struggled with it for a time but has somewhere inside decided you want to be closer with him.

You need to make it totally clear if you do not want him this way. Let him know he is your brother and the thought of being a lover feels gross like being with a family member.

Unless you do feel you want to be with him then that energy cant be hidden once you have let him know you swing both ways.

If the ladder is true then tell him. If not then you will need to move on. It will not work if you are attracted to him.

Gods speed to you.

reply to post by LoneGunMan


I mentioned that he knew before I said, at least 6 months before I said anything he had picked up on enough cues and 'unusual' behavioural vibes, that he (well it wasn't putting 2 and 2 together) solved for X.

I told him privately, as opposed to a group announcement, and when I said "I'm bisexual" he said "I know", which I felt was very surprising. He told me he had a theory...

I wanted him to be ok about it and he explicitly told me it didn't bother him. He has a gay cousin and one of our best friend's brother is gay, he's seen it before. He said that there wasn't much point in worrying about it because he knows that people don't change, they are what they are regardless of what you think of them.

I don't feel this is the issue, but I can understand why it would be. I don't wanna tell him, out of the blue "You know I go both ways but I don't desire a "relationship" with you." That might be scary to hear. If it's not what he needs to hear, it could be one of the worst things to say.

Edit to add: One thing I've noticed is that whenever it comes up (always in jest, it's never part of a serious conversation) he refers to me as gay when I'm not, which really pisses me off. It's undermining to be mislabelled when a person knows better.

I don't know. Maybe I should tell him that I *do* like him to some degree in that way. Physically, he is everything I could want in a guy, but he's so guarded and withdrawn, and he's really not at all empathetic. Our 'dramas' in the past have been because he is at times not respectful and inconsiderate, very inconsiderate. I wouldn't want to be in that kind of relationship with someone like him, I like things the way they are (were).

If the ladder is true then tell him

If the latter (spelt with t's) is true. Also you're not referring to the latter but the former.

[edit on 12-4-2009 by Welfhard]

reply to post by Welfhard



Hi Welfhard,

I'm 27 years old, and have been through a fair share of "friend transitioning". I say that because it's been my expieriance that friends come and go.

I have very few friends that I consider true, diehard friends. Those include males and females. I developed these friendships over time, and through mutual trust. They have always been there for me, and I make it a priority to be there for them.

Your' coming out as bi-sexual may or may not have something to do with it, but I would lean more to just simply, your' friendship is fading. It could be due to dissimilar interests, or who knows.

I guess my point would be, not to take it personally. You will always meet new friends, and although it sucks to lose a long-time friend, thats life. Don't be discouraged, and realize that it's not you, but something out of your control.


All of my best.

reply to post by becomingaware


Sigh. [head in hands] this is a conclusion that I can't get around. I don't want it to be that way but what can I do? I can't 'make' him my friend. I suppose that in the end I don't really 'need' him to be either.

... I hate change.

NEWS!!!

We had a talk and I think things are much better.



We talked about quite a bit, namely why he wasn't talking to me these days. He realised that when he'd not tell me when I was getting annoying and was so deceptively 'normal' that he was neglecting an important part of communication in a friendship - If I didn't know what I had done wrong, when I had done something wrong, what can I do?

He was sorry for worrying me, he said it was rather thoughtless of him to string me out like that.

The other thing I brought up was the bisexual thing. I told him that I find him to be a very attractive, beautiful guy, but since he was a friend first and is strait, I wasn't about to do anything that ruin it. I said I wish I weren't attracted to him, "It's making something good difficult to maintain." But ultimately he was ok with it all, "I just hope you find happiness in some for or another."

It was a rather touching moment of genuine conversation. I think things are better.

[edit on 16-4-2009 by Welfhard]