Crazy Situation

Okay, okay. I am going to tell a story that really a should hide deep down inside and never tell anyone. Luckily, I feel fairly safe behind the anonymity of this site, so it here it goes:

I have been dating this girl for coming up on five years now. We met and shortly there after she basically moved in. Perhaps we moved a bit fast. Whatever.

Long story short, we have been living together ever since. She is quite a fantastic woman. She is caring, smart, beautiful, and everything a man should want - except me. I just don't feel any connection there anymore. It gets worse...

Last year, I met up with a family member (cousin) of mine that I hadn't seen in forever. Well, my girlfriend, my cousin, his fiance, and I have been pretty close since then. Of course, not long ago, what happened? As usual, after everyone fell asleep, the two insomniacs (his fiance and I) were the last two awake. We engaged each other in our usual deep, intellectual, late-night conversation.

Somehow the conversation turned to us and the feelings we had towards each other. Now I am stuck in a bind. I was already considering ending the current relationship I am in, but how could I do that to a family member? On the other hand, me and this woman are so meant for each other it is ridiculous.

Anyway, that's a little insight into a day in the hell I call life. Any thoughts are appreciated.

Certainly does seem a bit of a pickle. But as I'm sure you're fully aware, you make your bed, you lay in it. You've got to talk to your current girlfriend, be open with her. maybe she feels the same way. I mean, it's rare to end a relationship without people getting hurt, but there are ways to handle it like a man. And talking it out is a really good start.

With reguards to your cousins fiance, I'd back off. Blood is thicker than water, and no matter how much it pains you to see them together when you think she should be with you. It's not your place to go break them up. If she breaks up with him, then maybe you 2 can see where things go. But until that happens, I'd definatly leave well alone. Let what's supposed to happen happen.

best of luck, and try and remember, what ever you do, you have to live with afterwards. So make sure you make the right choices, follow what you feel is right. But time it well.

Originally posted by Irish M1ck
On the other hand, me and this woman are so meant for each other it is ridiculous.

Not to put too fine a point on it....but isn't that probably what she and your cousin thought as well?

Just saying...

Thanks for your responses and the outside opinion that I so desperately needed. Regarding your posts, is there ever a time when love can/should trump reason and accountability?

reply to post by Irish M1ck


Logic and reason go out the window when love enters the picture.

If you aren't connected with your girlfriend any longer, don't drag it out. That will just hurt both of you more.

As to your cousin's girlfriend, let her make the move on that one. If she ends it with him, then maybe after some time passes, the two of you can come out in the open with your relationship. But, she needs to be the one that moves on that. If you do it, it will more than likely cause problems within your family and that is never a good thing.

I hope everything works out how you want it to.

I know what I want to say, but I don't know how to say it without sounding really hard. Anyway, I'll try.

As far as your girlfriend is concerned, even though she might not think it at the time, you would be doing her a favour if you were honest about your feelings, or current lack of them, towards her.

If you really feel there is nothing there any more then you should let her go so she can find someone who will love her and appreciate her more than you can.

So long as you are sure you would still have taken that course of action had you not met the other woman.

What goes on in your cousin's relationship is a matter for him and his fiancee, but if she feels the same way you do then perhaps she should be honest too.

As for family ties and those sorts of considerations - people don't own each other. Just because he 'saw her first' doesn't mean their relationship has to continue at all costs.

Would you expect anyone else to stay in a relationship they were less than happy with? If you were in your cousin's shoes, would you want to be with a woman who was hankering after someone else?

Even if you and you cousin's fiancee never end up together, the future doesn't look too good for the relationships you are in already because you are both prepared to consider other options.

I would suggest using as much tact and gentleness as you possibly can but I don't suppose there is much of a way of softening the blow.

It would be nice to think that your respective partners were 'aware' people and had a sense that something was wrong, but if they love you both they may be kidding themselves that everything's ok.

I suppose you have to ask yourself if you'd still want out of your current relationship even if you end up with neither woman.

Thanks for the awesome replies. I still feel like a jerk, but at least I don't feel like a piece of dirt for doing/thinking this. I am not sure what exactly is going to happen (except that more than likely I will end this current relationship sooner rather than later), but I will do exactly like you suggested and leave the decision up to her.

Thanks again.

*Edit:

Oh, and berenike, I believe I would. Before all this happened, I just felt like maybe this was how it was supposed to be. I wasn't sure if maybe this is just what it is like after you are with someone for five years. Then, after really getting to know the other woman, I know that there is someone out there who is much better suited for me.

[edit on 3/25/2009 by Irish M1ck]

Advice only...and from my personal opinion.

1. Break up with your girlfriend.
2. Up to your cousin's fiance' to break up with him.
3. THEN, you two can see each other, but if too soon, or without proper transition time, your cousin will assume there was a transgression prior the breakup.

There's no way to resolve this without hurting feelings.
Thing is, you need to part ways with the girl if you're just not into it anymore, regardless of your feelings for the other.

So, that said, you need to put the onus upon her to breakup with your cousin if that's what she feels she should do.

Only then can you really begin anew with a (somewhat) clean slate....but realize that its only natural your cousin will likely resent you no matter what.....

reply to post by Gazrok


Give me a day or so and I will update the situation. Thanks for the input.

Broke up with her today. It was brutal and extremely painful, but probably a step in the right direction.