Colonoscopies Aren't Just For Fun Anymore

I got this joke in an e-mail and thought I would share it with BTS.

Read this right through slowly ... It is a Classic.

ABOUT THE WRITER... Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour
columnist for the Miami Herald. Below is an account of his recent
colonoscopy.

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears
to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through
Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't
really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S
GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP MY BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it
to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that
day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only
with less flavour. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix
two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you
fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric
system, a litre is about 32 gallons.)

Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture
of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose,
watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that
after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the
ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic,
here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty
much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are
times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several
hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You
eliminate everything.

And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to
drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can
tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food
that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only
was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What
if I spurt on Andy? 'How do you apologize to a friend for something
like that?

Flowers would not be enough.'

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.

Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I
went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes I then
put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts,
the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked
than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.

Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it
to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose
Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did
not see the 17,000 foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around
there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist
began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music
playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing
Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could
be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to
be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said.

And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going
to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the
next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very
mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I
felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it
was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I
have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies ...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were
quite humorous ... A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out ..'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all ...

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not
up there?'

"Then a nurse named Eddie..."

XD

I was expecting a woman.

Originally posted by kingsnake
"Then a nurse named Eddie..."

XD

I was expecting a woman.

The real question is, did you think it was funny? Thanks for posting.

I read that somewhere in the past but it really is funny.

A toilet with a 3 point harness installed would be funny.

Originally posted by badgerprints
I read that somewhere in the past but it really is funny.

A toilet with a 3 point harness installed would be funny.

Yeah, I've heard it before as well. Still funny. Thanks for posting.

That should be required reading for anyone about to have a colonoscopy. It was hysterical.
Thanks for posting.

Haha. This is great. I've experienced a colonoscopy, and discovered it's best to just laugh about it.

It is also worth keeping in mind that a colonoscopy or rectal exam that lasts for more than 7 seconds is technically a date.

reply to post by SpartanKingLeonidas


"'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!' "

LOL. Brilliant. This is quite a good read.

"A nurse named eddie" and "Arkansas" Got me laughing.

I think a litre being equal to 32 gallons is a bit over the top though.

reply to post by SpartanKingLeonidas


SKL,
you are truly sick and depraved and I am proud to call you friend.

I was screaming out loud and had tears running down my face.

You can bet it was sent to more than a few friends of mine.

reply to post by SpartanKingLeonidas


As soon as I can stop crying I will say something. My Mom has to have one done Monday and I am wonder if I should send this to her before or after. Thanks for the laugh.