Catholic Guilt

Be polite to Grandma .. offer it up ...
.... it'll take time off your sentence in Purgatory.

If you want a relationship with these people then you have to listen to them at Easter and Christmas. You have a few choices -

- Pretend to listen politely, nod your head once in a while, and go to a 'happy place' in your mind for a few hours while dealing with it. then, after the get together, forget all about it.

- Really listen. Engage in meaningful dialog. Perhaps both you, and them, could learn something from each other.

- Don't go to the get togethers until they respect that you are an adult and that you don't wish to be around those who dont' respect your right to be who you are.


If you don't care about having a relationship with these folks then take a long Easter weekend and go to a ski slope or go to the beach or something else. You DO NOT have to get together with family just because it's a designated holiday.

Good Luck.

reply to post by FlyersFan


Thanks
Were on the same page I was thinking of going to my beach home for the weekend
I really do learn alot from my family,but they have catholic blinders on.Were I study all religons and acient civiizations, they only know one way.

My husband is a recovering catholic and try as he might, he still can't shake off all of the guilt. Certain words and phrases will trigger it, like "saints" or "ouji boards". Whenever I get bored.....

First of all, I'd like to compliment everyone who has posted in this thread for the intelligent, thoughtful and mature way each of you has responded. Bravo. I hesitated to even read this thread because, too often, these types of discussions become a lightening rod for insults and personal attacks.

There has been none of that here.

I commend the OP for struggling to balance what is right for him and his family wishes. It is easy, when there are family clashes, to just walk away. You aren't taking the easy way.

First let me say that I am a Catholic who left the church for may years and returned when my oldest was four because I believe it is my responsibility to expose children to faith and religion (two distinctly different things, by the way). I was pleasantly surprised to see that much had changed in the church since I walked away, especially in that I saw little remnants of the "Listen to your priest - don't read the bible!" mentality that I had seen previously.

Now, understand that the Pastor of my church is a terrific person who truly is inspired by the word of God and walks the walk. That may have much more to do with my newly formed opinion of the church than any institutional changes.

That said, over the 16 years in which I have been back in the church, I have had many, MANY disagreements with the church, especially with the Child Abuse scandal and find myself staying away for periods of time. I have three kids and the two youngest go to church every Sunday with their Mom (they also have been educated in Catholic Schools) and when I always make sure that I talk with them to explain why I am feeling frustrated and or angry with the church and how, when they are older, they may feel the same from time to time.

We also encourage them to learn the Catholic Doctrine and understand WHY the church may feel as it does on various topics. We tell the that it is their responsibility to UNDERSTAND both the Church's positions and also the genesis of those positions but, ultimately, when they are older, they will have to decide for themselves.

We also encourage them to question. If something doesn't make sense, ask about it. Don't settle for answers like, "it's a mystery," or "because it's God's will," because even though we do believe that the Bible represents an inspired understanding of God's word, it is still interpreted by man and man is prone to allowing bias and/or other emotions to cloud their interpretation.

My oldest no longer goes to church and, at this point of his life, he feels it is not a necessary component of his life. I won't lie, I'd rather he didn't walk away completely but it is his choice to make, not ours (he is 20 yrs old). I tell him all the time that I hope he returns to a place where faith in God is important to him - whether that includes a church organization or not, is not nearly as important as an active faith in God, in my opinion.

That said, he is a good, kind and sensitive person who is exactly the kind of person I'd hoped he'd be. That is what is most important. There was an incident a few years back that taught me a little about remembering what is truly important in life.

He was still in high school and his girlfriend was having anxiety attacks with increasing frequency (her Dad died of Cancer when she was 13 yrs old and was struggling mightily with that.)

My son had missed a few days of school because of the attacks because he wanted to make sure she was ok. Her mom, by the way, had begun drinking heavily and was at a point where she was barely functioning so my son felt that he was his girlfriend's only hope to get through this.

One morning, my wife called me to tell me that my son had called her to tell her he was going to stay with his girlfriend because she was having an attack and he wouldn't be going to school.

His grades were plummeting (he was a high honors student through Jr High) and I had seen and heard enough. In my opinion, he was throwing his life away and as badly as I felt about his girlfriend's struggles, I called him to lecture hi about the importance starting to worry about his own future.

So, I am reminding him that he is throwing his future away and needed to start doing what he needs to do to get back on track. I told him that, while I understood how he felt, it wasn't fair that he had to sacrifice his future.

He listened and then said, "Life isn't fair, Dad. If like was fair, I'd be focused on my school work and would be worrying about whether I'd be finishing 1st or 2nd in my graduating class and whether I should attend Harvard or Yale. But Dad, I have a friend who is hurting so badly and has no one else but me to lean on. If I just walked away from her, knowing how much she needs me right now, how could I live with myself?"

That stopped me dead in my tracks. I had spent much time trying to convince him to stay in the church because it was so important to understand Jesus' teachings and yet, here he was LIVING those teachings, not just talking about them.

It was at that moment that I decided that, while I would continue to invite him to keep an open mind towards his faith, it was pretty clear to me that God would be pleased with my son whether he ever spent another minute in a church building the rest of his life.

I apologize for the rambling post. I just felt my thoughts might be of some interest and/or help to some who are struggling.

I gave up guilt for Lent years ago... it was one of the best things I ever did for myself...

And I'm not even Catholic.

reply to post by Night Watchman


Thanks for your response
The hard part is the walking away,especially when your trapped at the dinner table with the priest starring you down.
I love to send out some jabs when I can get them in,then my wife gives me the look
I try to be respectfull but what can you do?

Grover:
That is to funny.....
The whole lent thing don't even get me started on that one.
Ok just one--Why in america you can't eat meat on Friday but in Canada it's allowed.

I think religion as a basis for morals and goodwill towards man is a good thing. Organized religion is evil. Its a control, guilt, money sucking scheme.

I had this same argument with my buddy as we were walking to work this morning, he was saying how (he's in his 20's) he is being made to go to church sunday for Easter. I coudnt' understand how he could be forced, he said it was just easier than dealing with the argument with his father about it. Is it really even worth going if you have to be forced?? Like, does anyone here not eat meat on Good Friday?? I know, I will for one! Some ppl at work got offended last year when I had a baconator on good friday, lol, like seriously, do religious ppl realize how silly they sound sometime?

Originally posted by teraform
The hard part is the walking away,especially when your trapped at the dinner table with the priest starring you down.

Are you sure he's 'starring you down' .. or are you a bit sensitive?
Honestly, most priests don't go to dinner with parisioners anymore
and even fewer of them would 'star someone down'.

Up to this point I was with ya' ... but now I'm thinking you might
be oversensitive.

reply to post by FlyersFan


Like I said my grandfather and grandma have been working for the church for decades,the priests come by for dinner often my grandma is a great cook and they know it anyhow they are close.
No Iam not that sensitive lol,alot it has to do in convesation at the table Iam not joining in the talk then usally asked have'nt seen you at mass lately that kind of stuff....I guess stare down was bit much.