The Beginning of this Thread is useless, fast forward to the end and give me your thoughts.

Hey what can I do - led zep, Love song-the cure, yer so bad- tom petty , lets spend the night together-rolling stones, baby did a bad thing- chris issak, iwant you to want me-cheap trick, soul to squeeze-chili peppers


Thats my playlist for thursday, anyone have any other songs to add?

Hungarian Rhapsody, for orchestra No. Two in C-sharp minor -after piano No.Twelve ,S threehundredfiftynine-two by Franz Liszt

[Edited on 9-5-2004 by spot73]

Well Im just in from the world and I must say it was a strange trip.


[Edited on 17-5-2004 by Agent47]

Flash forward a couple months and Im unattached.

See as you may have noticed I did visit her in May, and we kinda came together. By that I mean we did have some intimate momments and feelings, and then I left. Her parents Ok'd the idea of me staying with them during July for a week, but about 4 days ago she told me it wasnt a good idea.

During this same time my best friend of the last 5 years (also in San Antonio) was telling me how it was a waste of money and that she was a floozy. This hurt me because I was willing to forgive her past cheating and I didnt like my friend ripping on her. Well it turned out he was right. She had cheated on me one more time before she went to VA and she wasnt sure if she cared about me anymore on the same level I cared about her. We talked for a solid hour about the same old pleasentries and promises that things will work out, but the next day I came to a revelation. She couldnt fit in my life. She was just too much of a skank and a flake. I mean its shocking for me to feel so bitter so quickly, but I really feel I wasted time and about 400 dollars on her. I have remedied this by not talking to her since our last phone call (she probably doesnt realize I have walked away), and spending the 200+ I saved for July on clothes at the Gap ( I never shop at the Gap but I actually got some good stuff). Right now Im riding high, living summer on pay check to paycheck. I dont know if I could talk to her without feeling some longing , but the negatives just seemed to defeat the positives in this affair. Right now the only trip I have is one to San Antonio in August, and thats gonna be a man skank trip not to mention the fellow she first cheated on me with wants to go and kick the new guys ass with me. What a strange trip life can be, but it looks like it will all work out in the end.

Thanks for all the advice this was truly a learning experience, and dont think because this is over that you all didnt help.

Well then I found out she had sex with the guy, and well when I loved her she was a virgin.

This turns the knife if you ask me, because I just feel like she wasted something special and cheated on me.

I just got so enraged the other night I wrote the nastiest letter and I mailed it two days ago.

I just kept writing on and on about how betrayed I felt and how I was confidant that by sleeping with him that our relationship was dead and buried.

I told her about how I had realized how badly I got played, and then I asked her not to throw out any of my stuff because "I will always look back on the early days with fondness"

Then I threatened the dude she repeatadly cheated with, and asked her never to wear the dustoff military tshirt I gave her to bed with anyone.

I just feel so hurt and so scared at how bitter I can feel.
I go from loving her to hating her, and that isnt me as a person. I would just do anything to go back and not start this relationship, but then again if I had my ability I would go back and not move from SA so I could stay and love her. Who knows whether I will ever get over this one, but I can say Ive moved on a little.

Or have I?

Damn these doubts, and anger.

May you live every day of your life...

"In the end it's not what you did but what you didn't do"--heard on a dr. Phil show.

Yes you will get over it... and yes there is more than one woman in the world... and yes they are available....

--- On a side note, I don't agree with the sending of the letter--- It's not something I would do. Some things are better left forgotten.

-- reminds me of
Iced Earth - A question of heaven or
Scorpions - Love'em or Leave'em

Originally posted by websurfer
and yes there is more than one woman in the world... and yes they are available....

I really understand that so dont worry there. Ive been just prowling so much lately for another girl to put my time and effort into.

The songs these remind me of are:


Hey what can I do- Led Zep

Aint talking bout love- halen

or well maybe "You give love a bad name" - Bon Jovi

Not as hard as iced earth but they fit.

* early morning slow ATS traffic bump*

Must put in more lines to avoid one line penalty.

There you go.

hah!

Nevermind bout taht last post.

[Edited on 17-6-2004 by Agent47]

Oh man, I had one of those, girl freaking crushed me dude. In the long run it's better to just get on with out her, start the healing now. If it's meant to be it would be, I say you find another one, just don't try to compare other girls to her, you aren't going to find a clone of her, you just gotta find someone else and accept them for who they are.

Best thing to do is just to go on with life, I know how much it can suck and that hole feeling it can leave in your soul. There only billions of other girls out there. but I know I know, not like her right? Yeah I felt the same way, but people do change and so do expectations, best to cut your losses and move on I can't say that enough.

Originally posted by Lysergic
Oh man, I had one of those, girl freaking crushed me dude.

Well that makes two of us

But on a serious note Lys thanks for the words of support.

I really do understand there are other girls and I will never try to compare present/future girlfriends with past ones, but I mean she was a beautiful person. I felt so complete just being able to hold her and enjoy time with her. Then she goes and cheats on me, but I forgive her, but then she wastes her virginity with some guy while Im out letting her abuse my trust?

I mean Im not some religous nut who cares about premarital sex, personally I think its ok but its that loss of innocent that really irks me. I dont want to say shes tainted but that innocence is and I remember it whenever we talk.

Well heres the conversation we had today and I think anything that ever existed is dead now.


Her:hey i got your letter
Me: so can I have your phone number?
Her: umm no
Her: i think i got what u were trying to say enough in the letter
Her: and i have to say.. i dont go around sleeping with everyone just to share
Her: and i never asked for your forgiveness..
Her: okay
Her: im done
Her: bye ross
Me: I didnt want you to walk away
Me: I never want you to just up and walk away
Me: Weve known each other a while as friends and this is nothing to throw it away for
Me: Ive told you several times that I wrote that out of rage, and I have to say I didnt write it to accuse you of sleeping with everyone
Me: And you never asked me for my forgiveness, which regardless of whether I would have given it. My point was that you just couldnt ever tell me and that you never once seemed to feel guilty
Me: Ashley Im gonna find that number. Its in my desk somewhere
Her: i don't feel guilty....
Her: god, i can't talk to you anymore
Her: i think it's pretty clear that to you im a whore.. god.. i can't even
Her: ahh
Her: nevermnid
Me: : Nooo
Her: bye ross
Me: I never said that
Me: I will never call you a whore
Her: dont call me.. please
Me: Dont you see
Me: That I dont hate you
Me: Im trying to save our friendship
Me: What cant you say to me
Her: oh i must have missed that in the letter of hate
Me: Just say it ashley
Me: Im listening
Me: Yes the letter was angry, because I was angry and hurt and confused
Her: u never listened
Her: ever
Me: Dont you see that Im not like happy bout this, it hurts
Her: i could never tell u anything
Me: Then let me start
Me: What couldnt you tell me
Me: Ashley just tell me
Her: its too late...
Me: Why?
Me: Thats a cop out
Her: is it?
Me I want to know what you couldnt tell me
Me: I want to know you
Me: And stop just ignoring what you want
Me: Please ashley
Me: I dont hate you, and I never will
Me:: Ive said that to you before and after this letter
Her:: u know.. we talked about everything.. but nothing....i dont think u ever understood me.. and i doubt u ever will...when i was all depressed n suicidal n # i never told u any of that because i didnt think u would understand.. i was always afraid of telling u stuff because i never knew ho you would react..its like i knew you.. but only so well.....despite what u may think... i didnt go around #ing everyone the whole time u weren't there...and i didn't do any of the # i did to hurt people. but im also not entirely sorry about what i did.
Her: when u came and even before u came i tried to tell u that i didnt feel the same way. i told u that soo many times.. but u never listened
Her:: i said i couldnt give u want u wanted...
Her: i never could
Her: look, i seriously doubt that u really want o talk to me besides yelling at me.. and i dont want to talk to you
Me: well you know if you didnt think you could tell me its your own fault then
Me: if you had told me you were depressed and # and I flipped out
Me: then yeah
Me: I could see how you wouldnt tell me stuff like that
Me: You could have said straight up "dont come down"
Me: LIke you did about a week ago
Me What did that make me do? That made me drop everything and give up
Me: Too bad you couldnt have said this a little whiles earlier
Her: when i first told u about prom i did tell u i didnt want u to come
Her: but u were all
Her: no i wanna come
Her: blah blah blah
Me:: And oh yeah wait didnt we end up being all lovey duby on sunday? I seem to remember that. Thats what burned me
Her: and u yelled at me
Me: Bull#
Me: I said " what do you want" and you went " I want you here"
Me: I remember
Her: because u were pissed at me the whole first part of the weekend
Me: Wait I yelled at you when?
Her: i dont know? some time on the phone
Me: You know if you seriously thought
Me: That you could never give me what I wanted then why the charade for so long
Her: i gave u soooo many hints it was over
Me: Yes like that afternoon we spent together on sunday was one huge hint
Me: Your soo many contradictions
Me: Your so many people
Me: I just cant find the one who was my friend
Me: I dont hate you
Me: I really dont
Her: maybe because u didnt #ing know me
Me: I dont want to stop talking to you
Me: Yes I didnt ever #ing no you
Me: because you didnt open up
Me: Its not my #ing fault you wanted to wear a mask
Her: i dont want to talk to you anymore ross.
HEr: i really cant
Me: Why?
Me: Cause its true
Me: Its not my fault I didnt know you
Me: Ashley
Me: Like even though you think I didnt know you
Me: Even though you wanted it to end sooner
Her: its been over for a long time..
Me: Do you realize how much love I put into things? like I just want to know if
Me: Like I just want to know if you ever realized how much effort I put into things
Me: Thats all
Me: Regardless of whehter it added up to anything
Her: u said it yourself i wasnt putting any effort into anything
Me: Im not talking about you
Me: Im talking about me loving you
Me: You do realize that I did put a lot of my self into loving you and that I wasnt ever half assing it
Her: did u realize that i never put anything into it???? was that not a clue???
Her: i couldnt love u the way u wanted
Her: i told u that
Me: No
Me: You said you loved me
Me: You forget all the good stuf
Her: i NEVEr asked u to give anything
Me: And your just focusing on the last couple months
Her: i said that a loong time ago
Me: Dont tell me it was all a Lie
Me: But you said it
Me: At one point we cared about each other on the same level
Her: i did then
Me: but it changed
Me: Its true
Me: Yes
Me: I know that or we wouldnt be here
Me: so dont say that you never put anything into it
Me: thats a lie
Me: you did
Me: I did
Her:: i changed
Me: And Im sorry I did
Me: yeah you have changed
Me: I dont know you anymore
Her: u never did...
Me: In my heart I know I did
Me: regardless of what you said
Me: you cant get inside my head
Me: you dont know what I may ormay not know
Me: You shared with me your feelings emotions and secrets and I listened
Me: I was there for you when you needed it
Me: Im sorry it just never worked out
Her: i shared what i could tell u.. which wasnt a lot
Her: we liked more the idea of eachother than eachother
Her: i dont think i really know who u are
Me: You dont anymore
Her: or what makes u happy.. just like u dont know that about me
Me you really think you dont know me?
Me: I never hid stuff from you
Me: I mean I think we dont know each othe cause we never spent more than a couple days together
Me: And thats my fault
Me But its too late to go back and change anything
Me: but I dunno bout you speaking about our relationship for the both of us, I may not have just "liked more th idea of eachother than eachother"
Me: But thats the whole thing
Me: We disagree bout it and thats why its over
Me: I still care about you on a personal level like about your well being and stuff
Me: But even if I kept in contact with you till the I died I understand that I can never have our love back and thats just something I have to deal with
Her: we had something for a very shot time..
Me: I understand now that you basically had broken up with me months ago and that weekend was a silly little fling, and that lessens my anger. Do I still feel betrayed? Yeah but really theres nothing to say about it. Yelling at you doesnt accomplish anything because you only followed each other
Me: Yes and I would have loved it to go on longer, but it didnt
Me: We had something though and you cant blot that out
Me: You cant make that not exist
Me: *your heart
Her: no.. no i cant..
Her: nor do i want to..
Her: but it couldnt last
Me: yes under these conditions it cant
Me: and even if I was your next door neighbor now it wouldnt last
Me: theres simply a rift now and its no bodies fault
Me: its a fact of life that stuff ends
Me: It sounds cliched but I will always remember those early days with fodness
Me: your still a beautiful person n my eyes and I dont want to stop talking to you
Her: ross.. i cant talk to u anymore.....
Her: there is nothing i have to say that you would listen to. and since i dont think u really knew me..what is left?
Her: good bye ross
Me: Ashley
Me: Do you really want to give up
Me: Why cant we talk casually as friends online
Me: I mean I have no illusions that your gonna become my best friend of the opposite sex
Me: I realize it will probably be sporadic and long time periods between you and I talking for like 5 minutes online
Me But I still wouldnt mind you to be there to talk to if I needed
Me: Hell maybe we will finally learn something about each other
Me: Dont assume I wont listen unless its something about the former you and I
Her: i'd rather forget u ross.. i need to forget u. what is talking now and then online? there really isn't a point..
HEr: its the end.
Me: I dont think you can ever put an end on it
Me: You can try and forget everything
Me: I dont know why you want to
Her: i need to.
Her: bye, and good luck
Me: Talking now and then, well it keeps you alive in my memory
Me: I dont need luck
Me: I make my own
XXXXXX signed off at 2:13:30 PM.

I feel like a weight is off my shoulder but at the same time I feel dissatisfied with the outcome.

I feel like a foreigner song.

And if you have a problem with me posting a chat log then why are you even looking at this thread?



[Edited on 17-6-2004 by Agent47]

go listen to

" I can't make you love me " by Bonnie Rait.

Then drink a lot

go to sleep and wake up and forget her !

Get your hightops on and grab the bball. Time to dominate in the court and slamdunk your problems away...

Originally posted by ktprktpr
Get your hightops on and grab the bball. Time to dominate in the court and slamdunk your problems away...

Two excellent suggestions you too.

We had a fight two days ago so yesterday I went paintballing and forgot all about it.

Now I think Im gonna either go running or practice my debating skills for the coming bloodletting right ktpr?

BTW Im too short to dunk

Man... that reminds me kind of like what happened between me and my last boyfriend... except I was in your shoes, and I didn't say how I felt.

:bnghd:
I'm finally over it... but at the same time I'm not.
But hey, running or jogging always helps me feel better