Weird thoughts... I need some more informed input.

This is going to sound paranoid but as I started thinking it, I felt like something was being revealed to me. I felt like a strong electromagnetic buzz was zapping my body, I began to breathe very fast and I just felt very energized. A lot of random pieces about my life started to fit together. I could be creating a complete fantasy, but I decided to post my experience here to see if anyone would recognize it as some sort of mind-control programming. The account can be somewhat graphic/offensive I guess, but I feel like it's necessary to share the entirety of my experience in order for everyone to understand why I feel like this is all connected. I guess I should start with how I perceive my life, at least from this vantage point. It might help to know that my grandfather on my dad's side, who I have never met, worked at Area 51. His two sons - my dad and my Uncle Darin - were both raised by my great grandmother. She raised me as well. She didn't raise my other full-blood brother Matt either, who has recently randomly joined the Marines - just me. Her daughter B is married to a complete jackass named Wayne, who is a Freemason. All I will say about that couple is, B is supposedly in to bestiality and incest. Once her children notified my uncle that he would not believe the things that went on behind closed doors in that household. I suspect that my great-grandfather who also raised me might have been a Freemason as well. I was always disconnected from him. My first memory was when I was around three, but it was just cognizance, it wasn't an important memory as far as I can see. My grandmother baby-sat for a living. There were constantly children coming in and out of her house for extended periods of time. Because I was hers and I was sort of a single child, I was treated very preferentially and was routinely allowed to dominate the other children. The neighbors were another old couple that baby-sat for a living. We lived in a trailer park, if that matters. There was a lot of sexual interplay between the children from both of these households, and while it was condemned when we were caught, nothing was ever done and it was all hushed up. Once a social worker came to the house to investigate one of the girls who was sent there, who had been molested in a previous household. This girl and I had fooled around many times and it was well-known. My grandmother told me to be quiet about it, and I did, and nothing ever happened. I think that there was probably some form of sexual interplay between nearly every person who came to one of those two houses. My mother has never talked about why she let my great grandmother raise me, and has in fact acted as though it never happened. No one ever talks about my great grandmother and my father holds a grudge against her that seems inexplicable to me. He has a great deal of anger and control issues, and is single now because none of his relationships have ever worked out due to his inability to control his temper and understand how he effects others. We have always had issues due to his need to dominate and control and our relationship was very tumultuous until we began to work together last year. I also went to a public elementary school that was named Holly Hill Elementary. This school was in the same district as the regular public school, but for some reason some children were sent to this school. I wish I had a basis for comparison between the way that I was taught in this school and the way that other children are taught in regular public schools, but unfortunately I never went to one. My artistic ability was heavily encouraged in this school and I was tormented and ostracized by other children for the way that I dressed. My grandmother dressed me this way and I thought it was normal, so I just assumed I was a horrible person or something like that and I deserved the ridicule for being different. There was also some inappropriate behavior on the part of her and myself - she would often strip nude right in front of me and change, and there were some other things that I'd rather not go into. Once, outside of the supermarket where I'd been allowed to go alone (I think I was around 7 or 8), a man in a car with sunglasses and a baseball cap pulled up beside me and told me that I knew his son from school. He told me some kind of story that I can't remember, and then told me to get into the car. I didn't and eventually I just started walking away from him, and he didn't follow. He drove off I guess. I have always thought that the trailer I grew up in was haunted because I always felt a presence there. When I was a teenager I would often thoroughly visualize some kind of dark, humanoid but more like a silhouette presence sleeping beside me holding me. It seemed natural and I didn't think a lot of it.

I don't know if it matters, but I have always been obsessed with acceptance and wanting fame and fortune to create security and buy love from people. This had been my ideal for years and years, and I was obsessed with the idea of doing anything to get famous, because I believed what really mattered was making your mark on history.

My father is also very paranoid and thinks that his phones may be tapped at any given moment. He has always been this way and has always been a lot more open to the idea of conspiracy. He is very careful with what he says and believes that people in our workplace may even be spying on him. There is an ex-Vietnam guy who works there who is very weird, but who always imparts knowledge on anything relating to conspiracies or the U.S. government's military operations. He could just be eccentric though. I was told he shoots cats if they come onto his property.

Blah, it's hard to organize my thoughts. I have so much to say but it's all pouring out of me randomly. I should mention that my uncle at a young age ran away from Cincinnati and went to various different parts of the country ruining his life with drugs and homelessness. He reconnected with my grandfather, who worked at Area 51. My grandfather on my mother's side, who I have also never met, had mafia connections and came here as an immigrant from Italy. My uncle has told me about a couple of government visitations, and how one of his ex-girlfriends would often have men show up in her room when she was sleeping and threaten her or talk to her. A couple of years ago he returned here from Alaska a changed man, a "born-again Christian." Once, when my dad and I got into a tense argument because he found gay porn on the computer, he threw me through a door screaming in a furious rage "You are just like (your uncle)!" He has since become a better person as far as I can tell, but there has always been a very bizarre tension between us. He never picked me up when my mother left me at my great grandmother's house afterall. Another family member works with the police and has gotten his obnoxious brother off of the hook for drunken crimes a few times. My father once did something with this person that deeply disturbed him. He told my brother and me that one day, when we were old enough, he would tell us what it was. He never has though. I also once saw some people in red robes around a fire in a field behind my house. We lived in a #ty little town in Ohio near Cincinnati, but it was a lot more rural. I told my dad and he was intrigued at first, but later I was told that it was probably nothing and that I must have witnessed something else. I don't have any memories of being molested or anything like that, but I do think it's entirely possible. My entire life I have been drawn between two polarizing extremes when it comes to sexuality, I either want to be completely in control and dominant or completely submissive and willing. I have been drawn into relationships with people who seem to go to the other opposing end. I had a friend once whose father was in the CIA. C told me on numerous occasions that he thought his father was a paedophile. He was born on a military base outside of the country, and his family relationship was incredibly abusive. His father literally just screamed orders that were followed. His mother was a former model from the UK. His father's side of the family also at one point owned a large beer brewery that went out of business due to stupidity on the part of the owners. Once he woke up in the middle of an operation on his stomach, and he is deathly afraid of needles. He was the most bizarre person I know. He was completely narcissistic and had a God complex (once indicating that he may be the Antichrist) and we reinforced each other's negativity perfectly. He dominated the relationship and emotionally abused and took advantage of me, and I thought it was okay because I had very low self-esteem. He was deeply disturbed and told me that he heard voices and had always had very strange things happen in his life. Last summer, when he randomly moved out of our house breaking the lease, he claimed that the reason was that a demon was in the household trying to stir up an inevitable disaster. I thought he was crazy, of course, and I acted that way. Once at Kings Island he freaked out and became very quiet. I dug out of him what was wrong, and he told me that a voice in his head just told him that he was about to die. He also drew me into some very heinous activity. I hope that I will not be judged because this is the person that I was before I saw the light. Because of this person, whom I greatly admired and considered the most intelligent person I had ever met, I began to rationalize why prostitution was morally neutral and okay as a mutual transaction of benefit to consenting individuals. Of course, I did not understand the complexity of the human situation and the importance of self-respect. I met some very interesting individuals to say the least... My friend, however, met a multi-millionaire who pampered him and bought him many gifts, and claimed that he was guaraunteed to make him successful in any endeavor. At this time C indicated to me that he also wanted to teach me how to live like a rich person because he was going to share his treasure with me. He suffered from some serious delusions of grandeur, including the idea that he was going to create a new country with this rich fellow. At some point, C began to think that he was on camera. I thought he was being narcissistic and delusional, and made fun of him. He found the contract and swore that it had been altered, but I thought once again he was asserting his dominance and being narcissistic. A psychic cop came to investigate his claims and put him on a new path, because she mysteriously knew everything about his life. I thought he was exaggerating. He's also had weird moments in the past where he's been told he's very important by supposed prophets. We are both very creative, very intelligent people and both of us tend to think that we think outside the box, although I didn't know what that really meant until recently. I have also been put together with sex abuse victims, including a past boyfriend and many of the people who I came to know as close friends, who I met through the internet.

C once pressed upon me Christianity. I rejected it for awhile but eventually the barriers caved in when I believed that my room was being haunted by a demonic entity. I had visions of my own death in my bedroom, and never felt alone. I felt the presence was usually under my bed, in my closet or at the foot of my bed. I once had a lucid dream where I saw a troll staring at me in the lit doorway as my mother prepared my siblings for school. When I noticed him, he ran off. I had another dream of a plant looking black-and-white striped female entity standing in the corner behind my door and watching me. I was so spooked that I began to call upon Christ and use the Bible as protection, and it worked, and I was a die-hard Christian for 9 months until I realized I could no longer feel God. Then I became agnostic again.

C also would not stop hammering a capitalism-glorifying version of libertarianism, which I also rejected at first, although for the wrong reasons. Eventually I caved into that and considered myself an outside-the-box thinker although I was still playing the game.

C also introduced me to drugs, and at one point began to push coc aine on me. I had already lost a lot of faith in him at that point though and didn't fall for it, at least not in that particular situation. I did smoke an awful lot of marijuana though, and once I had a very vivid hallucination where I pulled back inside of my head, outside of my body, and saw things like I was sitting in a control room. I got the distinct impression that life is just a very elaborate lesson and that everything happens to teach us that lesson however we need to be taught it. C tended to draw dark things to us, and take us to dark things. He would then find a bulletproof reason for why the evil that we were committing was morally neutral, or I would, and we'd agree on it. Occasionally we got into huge arguments because of various slights, but we'd always make up after awhile. Although we don't talk anymore and haven't in over a year...

I could be completely projecting, but does anything in this set off an alarm for anyone? I hope I'm making too much out of it. I'm sure I'm leaving a lot out.

reply to post by MCThompson2x

Hey MC -- very interesting read there. It's a well-written mini-biography. Sounds like you are exhausted (and small wonder, after dumping your psyche on to a forum like this.) But it also is very cool and lucid.

Here are my comments.

#1. Everyone is always fascinated by other people's sexual lives and quirks, but the standard deviation in human sexuality is huge. I don't see anything extreme there, although very edgy, yes.

#2. Everyone has problems with their parents. Most parents (most people actually) are abusive to each other and their kids. It is just part of life, and the best thing to do is just be strong -- practice resistance against abuse. Some people are definitely stuck in the dark. It sounds like you are not one of them.

#3. Everyone wonders about their character, whether they are going insane, or under alien influences. Life is mysterious. You go through phases. Sometimes, you feel normal for many years, and then something happens that shocks you into a new level of existence.

#4. You have to keep in mind that actions you take have consequences that can make you suffer enormously. This was something that Ted Bundy didn't understand. He probably suffered, over the course of time, much more than his victims. (I allude to Ted Bundy, because it sounds like the same general path of "C", in your narrative, but taken to the extreme.) It is good to be reserved in your actions, if not in your thoughts.

#

So, to answer your question about whether any of this sets of alarms -- I would say no -- not alarms. But it sounds like you are pushing the envelope pretty hard in your life, and are learning a lot. A whole lot. You said you thought life was a lesson. That is probably a major part of your life's mission.

I don't really have much to say, except you should try writing more. Think about journalism as a career path. I think you are well suited.

#4. You have to keep in mind that actions you take have consequences that can make you suffer enormously. This was something that Ted Bundy didn't understand. He probably suffered, over the course of time, much more than his victims. (I allude to Ted Bundy, because it sounds like the same general path of "C", in your narrative, but taken to the extreme.) It is good to be reserved in your actions, if not in your thoughts.

What does that mean?

And does anyone else have anything to say?

No one else here has anything to say about this at all? No one has had similar experiences? I'm kind of reaching out here, although I know no one is obligated to share the information and thoughts they might have on the situation. Still, it would greatly help me out to take a few minutes and at least compare notes to any knowledge of the Monarch program or electromagnetic mind-control.

Honestly, and this may sound harsh, but it sounds to me like you are a person with a scrambled psyche. You seem, at least from your account, to be heavily influenced by strong willed people throughout your life, probably leading from the situations you were in growing up(I'm no therapist, just a guess).

Predators, people that go through life trying to dominate, can pick a person like you out of any crowd. They seek you out, because they know they can dominate you, mold your line of thinking and more or less brainwash you(heck, look at your christianity experiment. Don't you find it odd that when it was being pushed on you you felt god, but when it no longer was being pushed, you no longer felt it?). And you said it yourself, you seek acceptance. Is being dominated not, on some level, a way for you to fill that need?

It has also been my experience that people that have been mostly dominated in their lives, by parents, peers, sexual partners etc, cannot resist the chance to turn that on someone else, if they find a submissive. This again fits right into your description.

My thoughts are that you ought to write you life story, in novel form. Even if you never even send it to a publisher(which you should consider, sounds like you have a lot to tell, and you do it very well), I think it would offer you a ton of clarity, laying every detail out like that.

I also would not rule out some form of counseling, although you must be VERY careful with that, as counselors have no right holding that occupation.

#4. You have to keep in mind that actions you take have consequences that can make you suffer enormously. This was something that Ted Bundy didn't understand. He probably suffered, over the course of time, much more than his victims. (I allude to Ted Bundy, because it sounds like the same general path of "C", in your narrative, but taken to the extreme.) It is good to be reserved in your actions, if not in your thoughts.

It just occurred to me, and I would like a reply, are you somehow suggesting that Ted Bundy was a mind-alter who discovered too much and activated some kind of internal program?

Interesting that nobody has responded here MC. I thought this was a fascinating thread. (I've been unable to get quality ATS time to give you a response, until now.)

#

What I meant by my reference to Ted Bundy was that he was an example of someone that became totally insulated from the reality of others, created his own world, and felt there were no consequences to his own gratification. It is the most extreme example I can think of, where someone totally lost touch, and created immeasurable havoc and suffering. And the ironic thing -- it caught up to him. I have heard that he completely fell apart at the end. He was very afraid of his own death.

But this reference to Ted Bundy might be too grim. A similar case might be someone who things they can fly, and jumps off a building. As sure as they believe they are not going to die -- they end up dead. Always. It is another example of thinking that reality is forgiving, and is shaped COMPLETELY by your thoughts.

So I added this reference as a "cautionary" statement that reality will check your actions. This was in response to your "evil is neutral" statement. Ted Bundy was evil. It caught up with him, eventually. I would not let "C" fool you into thinking that that evil is okay. That's really all I meant.

I think your statement about Ted Bundy "discovering too much" might be accurate. But I think it might be even more accurate to say he believed too much in things that weren't true.

[edit on 4-8-2008 by Buck Division]

Yeah, as I started putting pieces together I became very emotional. Yesterday I think I hit my peak and upon reflection, I went a little overboard. I'm still pretty sure that something happened to me but I need to start looking for evidence before I begin to assume that putting pieces together is going to lead me to the right place. I also need to make sure that I don't allow myself to become mentally unbalanced and start becoming so paranoid that I think I see veiled threats everywhere. Sorry to have sounded so snippy at you, I don't think I've been acting so bizarrely in a while. I think that my putting the pieces together shocked me into being overly-emotional. Evidence of trauma does not mean I am being watched by the government or even that the government did it, although I do have a lot of reason to believe that something occurred. It's still not safe of me to assume that I suddenly KNOW exactly what that is.

I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my post, if there weren't a few people like you in the world who would bother to take out the time to read it in the first place I'd feel very helpless and confused right now. Most people don't seem willing to touch this with a 20 foot stick whenever I mention it, and for good reason I guess, although I think most people just assume it's impossible and it never happens when there is a lot of evidence to support the idea that it regularly occurs. I'm going to try to slow down with the info intake because I've heard that recovered memories can make you relive the trauma if you force them out of you, and I also don't want to try so hard to remember that I remember something that wasn't true. I should go about resolving this in a more professional way and I should probably be more discrete as well.

[edit on 5-8-2008 by MCThompson2x]

[edit on 5-8-2008 by MCThompson2x]

If i were you i'd start doing research on certain types of things like mind control ect ect ect....

Originally posted by King Seesar
If i were you i'd start doing research on certain types of things like mind control ect ect ect....

I have been and I'm finding an awful lot of "coincidences." I'm afraid that if I try to force the memories that I will start making them up, though. I still lean toward the idea that something was done to me and that it involved the government, because of numerous very bizarre things that have happened to me and things that my family have said to me, on top of a lot of other circumstantial evidence. Still, I'm afraid that if I rush into this headfirst I'm going to come out the other side of it without having understood it the way I need to.

[edit on 5-8-2008 by MCThompson2x]