Advice Please

I have found myself in a situation I didn't see coming,
and I need some serious advice!
I am now a single parent, as my other half died.

My youngest son is now 15 and I adopted a boy two years ago that's 14.His mother sat on my doorstep with a trash bag full of clothes
and a note.
The boy that I adopted had only known street life, while my son had never really had any contact of living on the edge.
I found out today that both of them are smoking weed.
Although they are both lying, I know thay are!

How do you show boys ,this age that this is no way to start their lives
and can only lead them down a path of destruction!
What lightening out of my mouth will show them the reality of drug use?
What would you do if these were your children??
Spanking is out as both of them stand over 6 feet tall and weigh twice what I do...and I don't know if that would help anything .

I need advice....... Help me , Guys!

title edited by admin

[edit on 7/11/2008 by Djarums]

umm I don't think this is the correct forum for this.. as drug USE is not to be discussed.. and really I don't think anyone qualified is going to respond.

umm.. and HALF died??? how does that work?

[edit on 7/10/2008 by PuRe EnErGy]

I am also sorry for wasting your reading time,PuRe EnErGy
If one of the Moderators would take this down please!

I did mean, by my other half,
my Husband, but then I understand that maybe
someone who hasn't lost someone ,would not understand.

Please ban me if I have broken some rule about posting
about a real problem with drugs!

Sincerely, EX

Speaking of illegal drugs is a no no here, but your intentions are to stop your children from using. A fuzzy gray area maybe???
My suggestions would be to talk to a local law officer.
See if your children can get a little tour of the local jail.
Perhaps a little speech on the court system if caught.
Perhaps there is someone in your area who used to be a drug user, but now is a counselor. Just a couple of ideas.
A little bit of shock therapy, looking into the consequences, may benefit.
I have teenagers myself, I understand.
It's OK that you asked for help.

take them to vist a mental health ward and have a doctor show them a few schizophrenics, and show them what potentially is going to happen to them.

ive worked as a drug and alcohol counsellor in the past and its a difficault situation to find yourself in.

you can take the long view, that they will grow out of it. some do and some dont, there is evidence to suggest that marijuana use can lead to harder drugs.

as a parent all you can really do is to educate them to the effects of drug use and the concequences of their actions.

if you yell rant and rave they will just hide it, be approachable and let them know that they can talk to you openly about these kinds of issues.

also drug use tends to parallel other problems more often than not, though havibng said that many kids will experiment. feel free to u2u me about it if you wish

sorry if ive broken any rules but i feel that in that situation when someone is genuinley in need of advice its better to offer help or support

Originally posted by Demandred
take them to vist a mental health ward and have a doctor show them a few schizophrenics, and show them what potentially is going to happen to them.

ive worked as a drug and alcohol counsellor in the past and its a difficault situation to find yourself in.

you can take the long view, that they will grow out of it. some do and some dont, there is evidence to suggest that marijuana use can lead to harder drugs.

as a parent all you can really do is to educate them to the effects of drug use and the concequences of their actions.

if you yell rant and rave they will just hide it, be approachable and let them know that they can talk to you openly about these kinds of issues.

also drug use tends to parallel other problems more often than not, though havibng said that many kids will experiment. feel free to u2u me about it if you wish

I'll jump in here and thank you for that sound advice. It's true.
My ex..daily user of the drug being discussed here..for many years.
Just diagnosed with schizophrenia.
I'm glad a professional offered advice.

I sympathize with your situation. I would like to state that we at ATS are not necessarily designed to weigh in on such a relevant social concern.

However...there are places online that do. I urge you to take this issue up with the following link...Parent To Parent...and as well wish you luck in your efforts.

For all of you sticklers out there, I did just break a T&C...but I believe that the context of the link and situation make this a more than relevant action.

Ex, you're not in any form of trouble here don't worry.

You've come asking for advice with a very personal and troubling problem, and yours is not quite the "drug" threads that ATS doesn't want.

You're just a parent trying to do the right thing. No worries from that perspective.

However, please note that the unfortunate truth is that while ATS is a great community we're not professionals in that field. The reason I say this is because you need to keep in mind that by posting your thread here you will likely get some friendly advice, past experiences and suggestions from other members, but please do not use that as a replacement for seeking the proper help. MemoryShock's link is a very good one and I'd definitely second that suggestion to check it out.

I wish you the best of luck in this challenging time and hope that you'll be able to find the strength to keep your kids safe and on the right track. The fact that you've asked for advice shows that you're someone who wants the best for their family. More active parenting, like what you've displayed, would solve many problems in this world.

Thanks to Memory Shock, and Djarums for stepping in here. I can completely empathize with EX, and I want to see the proper help gotten for the children.
Ex, good luck to you, and I wish their were more parents who would try to take action like yourself.
AD

I sincerely grateful for all of the responces.
I am not one of those parents that is willing to
stick my head in the sand and hope for the best.
I also understand direct confrontation.
You all have given me food for thought.
Demandred, I will be in touch .

Thanxs again
EX

[edit on 7/11/2008 by Ex]

The first thing you need to do is get them to confess. If you have proof that they have smoked marijuana, then show them the proof and have them explain to you what they did and why.

If you only assume they did it, don't punish them for it, because it will cause alienation among you. Now would be a good time to sit down and talk to them about drugs, ask them if they know others who do it, what kind of pressures they face from others, if they know what happens if they become a drug addict, and so on.

This is going to sound harsh, but show them the grim reality of people who end up doing drugs. Ask a police officer in your area if your children can tour a juvenile's detention center and have them stay in there for a day. They will see first hand what their life could become if they start drug abuse.

[edit on 11-7-2008 by DJMessiah]

As a person that indulged in what was mentioned as a youth I may have some helpful information. I remember I indulged as a means for rebellion. In retrospect I wanted my parents to say something and show me they loved me. I got what I wanted... I suppose.

They wigged out and alienated me even more, let me know how disappointed they were with me, and such.

This lead me even deeper, I eventually went on to more harmful chemicals.

What i am saying is to be there for your children, and let them know that you love them. Do not make them feel bad for experimenting, what you have mentioned is less harmful then booze IMO. However, it is illegals and can cause much legal, and financial trouble. It can also lead to a path of life escapism.

Maybe, there is a clinic or someone you know or who you are related to who has been a lifetime user. Someone in authority may not be heard by these young men. I know at a younger age, i would have taken their words as lies. Have them tell some stories, about what they have encountered, who they have encountered in their journey of escaping the real world and self harm.

I know I could tell some horror stories of things I have experienced, the feelings of terror, self loathing, shame, and other negative unnecessary emotions. I know I could tell other stories of what I have witnessed in the lives of friends and family. things that people shouldn't have to see.

I am thankful that you are taking action to guide these young men.

I've done some stuff in the short time I've lived on this earth, 16 years.

First off, explain to them the dangers of pills. I've had first hand experience with what certain types of pills can do, and I nearly payed the ultimate price for my stupidity. Yeah, I knew what overdosing was and such, but I never thought seriously on it. Teach them about this first off before it's too late.

Secondly, don't bring it up in a professional; parental manner. Kids absolutely hate this and usually ignore you. Try to get them to tell you they have done it, tell them you're severely disappointed but not angry at them and you still love them.

Finally, you might want to show them what drug addicts look like. Meth users and such, it's stomach and heart wrenching to see what they turned into.

But at least you caught them while you still have a chance to show them how bad stuff like that can be.

-Will

this is a big issue for me. ok everyone has there own views and oppinions on things. with that said let me start off by saying lying to a parent is wrong in any situation. but a child lies many times out of fear. but as far as the smoking weed goes i cant say its as big of a problem as u may think but i understaind your concern. in todays world its much more common for a child to experiment with such things and actualy i feel its better in many cases for a child to learn through experiance to things than just what someone says. infact i can say ,being only 23 and not being out of school long, in most areas its not uncommon for 90% or more of students in the higher middle school to highschool range that have atleast tried weed.the best thing you can do as a parent is inform your child. however not everything that is thought of as comon knowlage about drugs is always true. weed is a touchy subject for me as the fact that i have been a recreational smoker of it for 10 yrs now. but weed is the most comonly missinterperated illegal drug there is. much of what the government has to say about it is false and is only done for them to controle it and keep openmindedness down. also thay get big money from busting growers,sellers and buyers. but like i said i have smoked for 10 yrs and as of 2 days ago i have an IQ of 139..now clearly u would expect that to be somewhat lower if everything THAY say about it is true. but yea i understaind the concern and im sorry if i got off on my own little rant there but the best thing you can do is assure him/them that you understaind there desire to want to experiment and possably even fit in. and that you are not angry about it but concerned. concerned that something bad could result. because it is infact ilegal but basicly the best thing you can do is show them that your not angry that will make them more willing to open up about things such as this that thay might be scared to talk about. that will help you understaind y thay are doing this and from there you will have an easier time correcting any problem there might be