Am I too nice?

2 weeks ago, my boyfriend walked in the door after Church with a serious look on his face and told me, "we have to talk."

So, I asked him what was wrong, and pulled up a chair.

He's not very communicative about much, pretty much keeping his thoughts to himself, so I figured this must either be very important, or very serious.

He blurts out - "This isn't working, and I want you to leave."

Ok, so, things have been a little on the strange side since he had open heart surgery in March. He has been extra quiet since then, and I chalked it up to him contemplating life with his nearly coming to and end. He's a lot older than I am, old enough to be my father.

Since he's been home, he has spent a lot more time with his kids. He's gone on a fishing trip, and has attended every little league baseball game that both of his grandsons particpipated in. He also went on an overnight trip with his church group to Arkansas to see a play. Or, so I thought.

Just to backtrack a little, to when he was in the hospital. It turns out that the very day he was dishcarged, the husband of his ex-wife keeled over due to a massive heart attack and died. She married this fellow after cheating on Sam (my boyfriend)

It seems Mr. Sam has been busy wiht the ex-wife for a couple of months since her husband died, and even before that. I think the guy died of a heart attack after finding out that she was cheating on him with my boyfreind! (her ex-husband)

Well, he hasn't mentioned my leaving since the first day he asked me to. I'm not in a hurry, seeing as how I gave up my home to live with the guy, and it will take a lot of planning for me to leave.

Here is the thing. I am really not upset about any of this. I'm mad that he didn't tell me the truth, but I can understand how he would like to be with the ex-wife now that her new husgand is gone. They have a large family together, 5 kids, and a dozen or so grandchildren.
He has been going out nearly every night with her since he broke this news to me, and it just doesn't seem to be bothering me.

Last night, I even ironed a shirt for him to wear on his "date" with the ex-wife! Whenever he does stay home for an evening, I am still cooking when he has asked me to. I am still cleaning and taking care of the yard, and all the other domestic chores I normally do. Now, don't get the wrong idea here..... I am sleeping in another bedroom!

I have come to the conclusion about this situation.

1) I want to see him happy
2) After all the grief and money he lost in the divorce from this woman, if he wants to deal with her all over again, then that will be his punishement!

Anybody else ever been in a situation like this before, and if so, how did you handle it?

Am I being too nice?

reply to post by Enthralled Fan


sounds to me like you don't really know how to deal with this situation. it's obvious you really love this guy and don't wanna lose him. and yes you're too nice. WAY too nice.

You can only be who you are.
But just be aware he will walk all over you if you are actually being too nice.

Just think about that one word Eddie Murphy loves..

"HALF"

It's only fair if your doing everything you say you are.

reply to post by LordInfamous


Yes, I do love him. I want to see him be happy.

He was so heartbroken by this woman when I met him almost 2 years ago. I guess I just could never replace her, even after all she did to him.

reply to post by AGENT_T


I do so much appreciate your great sense of humor, and outlook on life.

He's walking all over me, or thinks so, but, you know, the thought of a woman scorned?

Oh boy, with the things I know, with him being as old as he is, I could seriosly put a damper on his lifestyle with his social security benefits, and what he earns from income at the store he still ownes. Another curiosity is that the ex-wifes name is still on everything........from credit cards to business with the state, and or government.

Now this might be mean, but I have evidence of other enterprises the guy has where he earns cash. Pictures, and other proof. While I may be too nice, I am not stupid, and I have a lot of proof to put the guy in a world of hurt for quite a while. I have been collecting for this time since I have been here, actually.

Should I use it?

Believe me, I have all my ducks in a row!

He better greatly appreciate me ironing a shirt!



[edit on 30-6-2008 by Enthralled Fan]

IF he doesn't you could always come iron my shirt, and believe me they could use a good ironing!

reply to post by Enthralled Fan


Well it certainly seems you aren't being played for a sucker..Good for you.

You remind me of an ex, who caught out her ex-husband on his 'army maneuvers' by bugging her own phone and caught him ringing his floozy.

She presented him with recordings and pics so when it came to custody and maintenance he was like a puppy who'd pooed on the carpet

Originally posted by Lysergic
IF he doesn't you could always come iron my shirt, and believe me they could use a good ironing!

Oh, I love ya!

I'm prettiy expensive though. I require a special formula to make shirts really presentable. I don't want my hard labor to go away in the slightest humidity!

You cracked me up...........thanks for the laugh!

You know there is one other possibility, but I don't have the context to know how likely it is.

What if, after the open heart, he realized how old he was compared to you and sensed that if he didn't live long, he'd spare you by pretending to want you gone. Then, if something happened you wouldn't be around to see it and be spared.

It's a long shot, but figured I'd chip in.

Hope it works out for everyone.

Awwww, Im sorry to hear all this *hugz*

You are being to nice.....its obvious now that you are not his first priority so my advice would be, make yourself your first priority. Dont worry about what he thinks (he should be cooking for himself, you're not his slave), you need to start taking care of yourself first and move out as soon as you can, its hard but worth it in the long run

Originally posted by Badge01
You know there is one other possibility, but I don't have the context to know how likely it is.

What if, after the open heart, he realized how old he was compared to you and sensed that if he didn't live long, he'd spare you by pretending to want you gone. Then, if something happened you wouldn't be around to see it and be spared.

It's a long shot, but figured I'd chip in.

Hope it works out for everyone.

You have a point there. He knows how rough my life had been the last few years and I do think he own mortality plays a part in this.

He's been good to me, in a lot of resepects, but I always have felt like a second class citizen in all of this. Who know's? He has grand plans of all his children taking care of him when he gets off in the end. I know his kids, and think differently. They will not offer him a home, and change his depends. Maybe I should leave him to figure this out on his own.

reply to post by OzWeatherman


Yes, and thanks for your reply. I am beginning to think I am worth more than this.

Who would plan their lifes dreams around something like this? It was never my plan, especially for a guy that would cheat on me.

Thanks again for waking me up!

Originally posted by Enthralled Fan
Am I being too nice?

As AGENT_T said, you can only be who you are.

There is no such thing as "too nice". Don't let how other people handle situations and deal with normally disappointing or upsetting circumstances determine how you deal with those same circumstances.

Your reactions, and how you deal with situations, so long as you allow them to remain natural and do not question them, is just who you are, and thats who you should remain.

Maybe this is a sign that you should find somebody closer to your age. Maybe this is really, for lack of a good term (I'm atheist), a blessing in disguise. If you love the person, age is just a number and you shouldn't let anyone tell you otherwise. But there is a social gap there, no matter how much anyone tries to ignore it, if, as you said, the age gap is so large one of the two could be the other's parent.

That social gap can and sometimes will complicate things, and it is not always evident that that is what is causing complications, but it usually is a contributing factor.

In the end, the choice is yours and yours only. You should do what YOU feel is right, not what other people think is right. It is your life that you are living, not anyone else. But considering it is his house and he asked you to leave, that may end up forcing your decision to one that you may or may not be alright with.

I say just go with it. If something is meant to happen, it usually will. There's nothing that you can do but adjust and prepare for any situation that may arise.

Good luck!

[edit on 7/1/08 by NovusOrdoMundi]

reply to post by Enthralled Fan


OK. If you want some hard answers to the question you post, one way might be to make a list of reasons you are staying vs reasons you should leave in two columns then weigh them and compare to help you decide what to do.

Obviously there are selfish reasons you are staying, maybe financial in nature. To continue to stay you are probably making yourself more dependent. It might be a good idea to remind yourself of what you wrote above and to acknowledge to yourself that you are probably not in his future plans, including his will.

If he's already told you to leave, it's probably a good idea to start making plans to do this, and set up your own household. I hope he hasn't caused you financial hardship by giving up your separate house.

Even if you are in good financial shape it's still possible to become too dependent. I think most people's relationships would be improved if they lived separately but visited as they felt the urge. It's tough to live with someone, with some people, of whom we are quite fond, but enjoyable if you have some place to go at the end of the day. It actually makes people behave better knowing they don't have someone on a leash. It's human nature, I think, sometimes, to take advantage.

Good luck and hope my comments are helpful and not too blunt. FWIW.




[edit on 1-7-2008 by Badge01]

I agree with OZ. especially now since you need to start a whole new life, you need to put yourself first at this point in time. That doesn't mean that you need to be a witch to him, just that you need to take care of you.

Also, I find it ironic that he broke his news of cheating on you after coming home from church. Isn't that a bit sacreligious?

reply to post by Enthralled Fan


Hello. Maybe you are not being too nice but you are in denial. You are denying the fact that he dumped you. Maybe it is just a stage of all the sorrow that later will be felt, and maybe it is okay to be in "denial" but be careful. Before you know it, he will be taking advantage of all this. And you will be the one who suffers. Try to figure out what the real reason for your strange behavior is (is it that you don't have anywhere to go?, etc)... Once you know the reason for your uncommon behavior, you will fix it and stop being TOO NICE. I have neer been in a situation like this but I would like to try to help you and know what happened later. Good luck!

reply to post by snowflake_obsidian


Yea, I thought that was a bit odd as well.....but going to church doesnt mean what it used to anymore. Unfortunatly.