Were you a BROTHER FROM HELL?

I would like to pick a few brains, due to an issue within my family. I'll have to give some background details.

I grew up the youngest of four kids, three sisters and a brother four years older than me. This was in the 50's and 60's that we grew up. My brother was what you would call a redneck, he and my dad were avid hunters (4-5 times a week, coonhunting). My brother was meaner than a junkyard dog to me and my other sister. The oldest kid was another sister and he didn't mess with her, he was probably afraid her boyfriend would beat the crap out of him. Both of my parents worked fulltime jobs. When I say he was mean, here are just some examples: If we were on the phone and he wanted to use it, he would just physically grab it from us and hang it up. He would heat stretched out wire hangers over a gas burner until they were glowing and force us to go outside, even in our underwear, then lock us out for hours at a time. We kids were all upstairs in a two-story house, and he would wake up early and come in our rooms and use these duck call things right in our ears just to torment us and make us wake up a lot earlier than we had to. He would spit on us. He called us names constantly. My one sister always had a weight problem since she was very young and he said terrible things to her about it. I on the other hand was underweight and he called me names too like stick kid, beanpole, etc., but I know he made my other sister feel worse. I remember one time when we got home from school I made a can of cream of mushroom soup and used milk, instead of water. When he saw I had used milk he went nuts and screamed "our parents are out working to take care of us and you use milk instead of water"? He then hit me over the head with a spiked heal -- I had a hole in my head a 1/4 inch deep; I had to go to emergency room. Another time he threw me into sliding glass door and it broke, I had cuts and bruises everywhere. It was really bad when he started chewing tobacco at about age 15 and spit the juice on us. He married when he was 21, right after the navy, they moved about 1000 miles away. We would see them once every couple of years. There was never any letter writing or phone calling between him and any of us sisters. Now, 30 years later, his wife is hassling my mom about why his sisters have never wanted anything to do with him. They never had any kids and she has had cancer twice and I think she is concerned he is going to be left alone one day with no relatives at all. The thing is, we are adults, and my sisters and I haven't sat around and talked about how mean he was, but he was and so there was no relationship to continue with after he moved away. Now we hardly know each other. So, as I said my sister-in-law keeps hassling my mom about it and yesterday my mom finally blurted out "I'll tell you why they don't have a relationship, it's because he despised his sisters and was meaner than hell to them growing up". Well, she jumped my brother about it, he claimed he didn't know what she was talking about, that he did not despise his sisters and wasn't mean to them. He was crying last night, my mom was crying, and she is extremely upset about it.

Were you a brother that mistreated your sisters? If so how would you handle this, would you admit it, and try to heal the old wounds and start anew? Understand that we girls don't dwell on this at all, in fact we don't even feel like we really have a brother. It's my sister-in-law and brother (who still live 1000 miles away) who are just now bringing this stuff up, which is shocking to us. They act like is has always been a mystery to them why we haven't had a relationship. I wouldn't even know where to begin now. The 10 or 12 times I have seen him in the past 30 years was very superficial, it was like someone we hardly knew dropping in.

I am just curious if anyone has anything to comment on this, from their own experience.

I thought of something to add (I ran out of room anyway). My father passed away in April. My mom is fairly well off, especially with the life insurance policies they had on my dad). They made my older sister the executor of their will and my brother and his wife are livid about that. They feel that the only son should have been appointed the executor, as though the only son holds a certain place of honor within the family. But they didn't do this because, a) they live so far away, and b) they dislike his wife and she wears the pants in their relationship and they didn't want her coming into their home and having her way. I think this is what has boiled over to this deal of wanting to know why we haven't had a relationship with him; the wife acts as though WE have mistreated him since she met him. Well that should give you a pretty good picture.

[edit on 20-6-2008 by Bombeni]

I just love talking to myself (the Meds lady is late today) --just kidding. I guess I had the only brother-from-hell. Well that makes me feel a whole helluva lot better. :bnghd:

Isn't it at least just a little bit of sweet justice that he ended up with a wife that bosses him around?

I am happy that your mom is standing up for you now but why didn't your parents do more to discipline him for the way he treated you guys growing up? I guess it was different times back then but if one of my kids put a spiked heel in the head of my other child I would honestly call the police on them.

Well I don't have a brother from hell but I do have a brother in-law from hell. We've watched him treat his mother like crap, get stupid drunk and throw marathon screaming rampages and I have taken the brunt of a lot of his mental abuse. My fiance has always tried to have the attitude that he is his brother and held out hope that his brother would change but of course, he never did. So finally my fiance has decided to leave his brother out of our lives.

i am a brother, i don't think im from hell i never hurt my sister or be mean to her generally.

but i also dont let her do what she wants when she wants, if she has no homework i will give her homework , i make sure when she studys she is thinking and active.

I make her train hard in her activity and show respect to my mum , but we have lots of fun together usually, just randomly argue about the smallest things jokingly or fight and wrestle (she is very strong for a 9 year old)

reply to post by Bombeni


*rubs eyes*

it hurts to read paragraphs that big so im sorry but i didntr ead the entire passage

but from what i caught.....ill say this

"big" brothers who pick on other siblings grow up to have severe mental issues. Im not sure what you "call it" necessarily, but its out of fear and a lack of self-respect. They have to "prove themselves" to themselves.

its really pretty pathetic.

that...or the sister was asking for it

My bigger brother abused me verbally for many, long years, and really has never stopped. I'm quite happy to say that he's married and moved out of the house, and while he may come over, he doesn't seem to find the time to remind me how much of a wimp little brother I am etc., etc.

You can bet we aren't going to hang out any time soon.


As far as handling the situation though, I think I'd give him a second chance. People change, sometimes. Besides, since you are all adults now, if he so much as shows any signs of past habits, you can shoot him. I can't think of any reason why such an action would not be considered self-defense in any Court.


Though, if you decide to not give him another chance I can understand why, and while I doubt your sister-in-law will ever understand, she doesn't have to.

Originally posted by syress
i am a brother, i don't think im from hell i never hurt my sister or be mean to her generally.

but i also dont let her do what she wants when she wants, if she has no homework i will give her homework , i make sure when she studys she is thinking and active.

I make her train hard in her activity and show respect to my mum , but we have lots of fun together usually, just randomly argue about the smallest things jokingly or fight and wrestle (she is very strong for a 9 year old)

You sound like the kind of brother I wish I had had, you sound like you care about her. My brother hated us.

reply to post by Bombeni


Sad story, but why did he hate you guys? there must be a reason, jealousy? something to do with parents? etc??

Good luck with your future, I hope there will be good changes to your families relationship.

Peace.

Originally posted by _Phoenix_
reply to post by Bombeni

 

Sad story, but why did he hate you guys? there must be a reason, jealousy? something to do with parents? etc??

Good luck with your future, I hope there will be good changes to your families relationship.

Peace.

I have no idea why he hated us, and my parents did tend to dote on him being the only son. He didn't get disciplined very much. To my knowledge he has never been abusive to his wife of 30 years (she would probably put him in jail). And he doesn't appear to have mental issues, having had a very successful career with the phone company. He got on SWB right out of the Navy and just retired last year. That is why I started this thread, to try to find out, were MOST brothers mean to their sisters growing up, or was it unusual to have such a mean brother?

reply to post by Bombeni


Depends on the age gap maybe?

A lot of brothers and even sisters can be mean, but most of the time not that mean.

Myself I think I'm a pretty good brother, me and my bro go see our half sisters and half brother every weekend, and my little sister is always excited to see me, and I go to the shop and buy her sweets etc. She is about 11 I think, lol I forgot her age!

The other sister is older, and well lets just say she can get really CRAZY. And enjoys being mean, when she was younger I had to stop her animal cruelty etc, also every time we watch tv or something, she makes fun of people and notices all kinds of things says things like "uuuuuuuh she's so ugly! omg ewww look at her FACE," she starts shouting and gets all serious.

We can't watch anything without her commenting negative things about people, is that self concious issues maybe?


Anyway I think your brother was way more mean than normal brothers, a brother usually likes to look after his sisters, even if he finds them annoying lol.

Anyway good luck and I hope good things come out of this.

[edit on 23-6-2008 by _Phoenix_]

Thank you for the comments. I thought maybe some guys would come on here and say ahh all brothers are like that growing up, get over it, you are being oversensitive. But I see that he WAS the brother from hell. He does not want to admit it and that is fine; I've managed this long w/o a brother I can keep at it a lot longer. I just can't understand how he can deny it, and act dumbfounded by my mom's revelation to his wife. It's called selective memory I know, but boy he is stretching it to the very limits.

reply to post by Bombeni


Hmm yes, do you think it's possible that being the only son was putting pressure on him, being part of the problem maybe?

All I know is people change, maybe he has changed so much that he is not ready to go back to that person he once was, he would like to wish that person never existed?

Or am I wrong?

By the way I think a lot of brothers can be really mean, but it makes all the difference with what they mean by it, some are mean just playing around, yours sound like he was full of hatred? You know, some are really mean but deep down you know they are not serious, your brother sounds more serious.

But I'm pretty sure there are a LOT of mean brothers just like yours out there, I don't think your alone, I've seen these types of brothers and sisters around, I guess from what I have read your sisters were not as bad as him.
That's one thing you were lucky with!! Imagine your sisters also treated you this way? omg

Anyway have a nice day I hope some mean brothers give some comments like you wanted.




[edit on 23-6-2008 by _Phoenix_]

reply to post by _Phoenix_



Thanks Phoenix, sorry I just noticed your last reply. This thread didn't go anywhere and that is fine, it isn't as though the situation has affected me as an adult, I don't even think about him; it is my mom being drug into it at this stage that bothers me and I thought I could get a little insight and in fact I did. I think you are right about him not wanting to own up to how he used to be, I hadn't thought of it like that. I am sure there are plenty of things in my past which if I were confronted with, I would not want to admit.

That sounds like hard core dysfunction to me. Quite possibly mental illness. Heating up wire until it glows and forcing you outside with it? That is surely not typical sibling teasing/cruelty. That is extremely sadistic, well thought out behavior. It is possible he does not remember it, he could have some sort of personality disorder, though surely the behavior did not just STOP when he turned 21.

Sounds like there has to be more to this story. Assuming he is in fact your biological (full) brother, was there any mental illness in your family? Or abuse? Alcoholism or drug use? This sort of extreme sadistic behavior generally does not pop up out of nowhere for no reason, there is usually something behind it. Could someone outside the family have abused him? If your parents were always working and could not control his behavior, it makes sense that he may have been abused by someone and had it go unnoticed.

[edit on 7-7-2008 by Sonya610]

reply to post by Sonya610


I am sure he was not abused, in fact he was rather put on a pedestal, being the only son. He was what you would call a redneck then. He and my dad hunted frequently, so he was around a lot of country rednecks, this doesn't mean they weren't good people though. As far as family mental illness, depression has been a problem. My grandfather shot himself. My dad had depression and so have I and my son has it. This was back in the 60's and 70's, and by our teens my sisters and I were I guess what you would call hippie chicks, and he hated hippies. So the abuse of when we were younger turned to taunting when we got older.

He is the only one being affected by this now, it seems. My sisters and I moved on long ago. There is not much chance of a bond being formed now. I hope he can deal with it. His wife has recurrent cancer now and I think they are afraid of the future, they never had kids, which I think is just because neither of them liked kids. Now he faces a future alone. He has lived at least 1000 miles away since he turned 21 anyway.

Although it is true that most older brothers and sisters are a little bit mean to their siblings, I am sorry but the things that you describe your brother doing cross that line into abusive behavior. Especially the incident with the shoe. I mean honestly, if he was really worried about saving your parents money, then he would know that a trip to the emergency room costs a heck of a lot more than a cup of milk.

I hope you and your sisters continue to stand up and let his wife know exactly why you care not to speak to him.

reply to post by snowflake_obsidian



It was definitely abuse, but he is in denial. It is just strange that suddenly all this stuff is coming out -- 35 years later. I don't really think he cares now or is concerned, it's his wife who wants to get to the bottom of it. I told my mom, if she pries again, to tell her it is personal family business and does not concern her.

No offence, but your brother sounds like a *insert expletive here* and if he wants to speak to you, he should give a pretty big apology for the horrible way he treated you.

I used to be pretty mean to my sister, until she gave birth to my Nephew and nearly died doing so (She lost a hell of a lot of blood). Now I have the utmost respect for her. Sure we argue still, but during the argument I realise that she is my sister and that I would die for her and arguing is pointless and ask her to stop shouting, then give her a hug.

Soppy, I know.

Mind if I rant? I understand your situation probably better than most. I too had an abusive brother along the same scale.

Let's see... he told me to dive off of the top bunk, that I would be ok. I put my tooth through my lip (age 3) so the story goes.
My father went to Vietnam. My brother and my father were considered high IQ genius.
they played a lot of chess. My dad cried the first time my brother won. (so the story goes) My Father left my mom for a younger nurse. That's when I remember the problems starting. My mom said he loved me until I started to get into his stuff. We were 4 years apart too. He would hit/punch me for no reason. One time (I was seven) His friend asked if he could hit me too, and my brother told him "sure". He called me a "stupid girl" or just "stupid" every chance he got. Ridiculed everything I did. I didn't have a sister though. It was just him and I. My mom always said, if I came crying "that she didn't want to hear about it unless there was blood". She never punished him.
We would go to my grandfather's farm a lot. It was within walking distance. He had fun with me there. He told me there were Indians in the woods. He wanted to show me. Next thing I know there was an arrow stuck in the tree right next to me. I looked around and found him standing there with a bow and arrow bag. He had stashed it there to shoot it at me once he got me there. He used to lock me in the cow dehorner. and call it a jail. He would make hay mazes and make me crawl through and then knock the whole thing down on me. One time he tied me up with a rope and left me there with a knife out of reach and said "see you at dinner".
He used to wake me up with sock balls. He would throw them really hard at me.
He shot my cat because she was meowing and in heat. My grandpa finally took a bull whip outside and threatened him with it. My grandma once gave us both bats and said "go ahead and kill yourselves", and my brother grinned an evil grin. I was terrified. I was begging her not to let him. Plus lots of minor stuff that occured on a daily basis.
When I was in seventh grade I took Tae Kwon Do. I was pretty darn good at it. I showed him one of my kicks that they were impressed with and he never bothered me again. He started getting nicer to me once he liked my high school friends.
I was highly damaged by him. I have to admit, I think I still am to some degree. I will never trust him completely. I used to say that if I was hanging off a cliff, I do not know if he would lift my fingers just to hear me scream. He used to wrap me in blankets and I would scream bloody murder. He used to hold me underwater in pools. I am claustrophobic, do you blame me? I also have a fear of heights. That was from being made to climb rope ladders at Mesa Verde, before I was ready or willing.

As he got older he mellowed some. His wife left him for another man, claiming he had weird sex issues.
He thinks he is some kind of genius at sex, and talks about how great he is all the time. He never asks about my life or anything to do with it. He just wants to talk about himself.
My mom has always allowed it. I asked why once and she said " I was afraid of him".
Weird. Single mom, wanting her son to be happy I guess. Happy at my expense. She still defends him to this day, saying he does have a heart. I am very skeptical about that though. He just went and found his second Ukrainian wife.
He said women in America are too materialistic, and he wanted a traditional woman.
I wish him luck with that.....

Ok, I'm done
You are not alone.