i just cant get her out of my head...

yes there are probably a hundred other threads like mine. i am new and am really in need of some advice and don't have the mind set right now to go searching for answers...

anyway here is my situation,
i had been dating a girl for 11 months.. i really loved her but things were getting too hard towards the end. every time she would have a problem i would try to help and she would shut me out. and if i was lucky enough to get to help her it would all end in tragedy. she would threaten a break up to "straighten" me out. it would always work than i did the same and it ended completely.

very quickly i started dating someone else. my ex and i stopped talking for about 3 months. we started talking again but nothing besides hey how are you, etc. i was really into my current relationship. this lasted around 6 months and it ended. i was too hurt because my feelings for the girl died as quickly as they started... it has been 3 months since then.

now about a month and a half ago me and my ex started becoming a lot more friendly again. a hug every time we saw each other and talking on a daily basis. she has admitted she misses us and still has feelings for me. i brought this up to her. heres the problem. she has a boyfriend who she is really into. this sucks because i just CAN'T get her off my mind. i will be doing something and i will be reminded of her and it hurts. i cant have her and she keeps leading me on. please let me know if i am having normal feelings? i am so lonely and need some reassurance...

Now, this is probably going to seem like some harsh advice, but its the advice I seriously live by, and its the advice I give out to my friends who go thru breakups and relationship issues.

Look at all the Good stuff: Its good right? Its fun. Its Great. Its awesome. You're walking on Sunshine. Its Perfect!
- This stuff is awesome, this is the stuff that makes relationships worth all the hard work, the effort, the endless talks about random stuff that matters to both of you, this is the icing on the cake.

Look at the Crap: She's reclusive, and She's threatening to break up with you to straighten you out (there are problems with this statement for two reasons).
- Why is she reclusive? Is it because she doesn't trust you? Is it because she deals with problems better on her own? Does she not want you to see her at her most vulnerable states? Any of these are possible.
- I absolutely DESPISE when someone says their signifigant other has threatened to break up with them.
1.) A breakup isn't a discussion. A breakup isn't up for voting. A breakup isn't a Threat. A Break up is a FInal Move. A breakup is the end. A break up is exactly that - A Break up. So if she's busy threatening to break up with you, then she should do it already. Don't threaten to, thats mean. Thats harsh. As IF you need to be hurt like that, by someone you know and Love.
2.) If she's threatening with a breakup, then chances are she is thinking about it. She's saying it because she wants to. OR. She's saying it to hurt you. Either way, its a bad situation.

*Another way to look at it is: Do you want to spend another year or two, dealing with this kind of crap? Do you want to be wondering whats wrong with her? Do you want to be wondering if she's going to break up with you? No. You dont right? You don't want to go thru this again, and she won't change. She will keep doing these things. If you don't have it in you to put another year in, then don't test the waters any further. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who makes you feel this way? If the answer is no, then you have your answer.

Cut your Losses. Walk Away. You don't need to waste your time wondering what she is going to threaten you with next. You are too good to be wasting your time with someone who threatens to break up with you and won't let you in. You deserve Better.

Look at the Current Situation: She has a boyfriend. If she wanted to make it work with you, she would break up with her boyfriend. Why should you play second fiddle to someone else? Someone who is also into the same girl you are? You shouldn't, you can go out there and find your own girl, you don't need to be in love with someone else's. There is a girl out there just waiting for you. Neither of you know it yet, but she's there. Just give it time. Its all about time.

I know this sounds hard, and it is. Its not easy to forget someone who is constantly on your mind - trust me. I've been there. But the more time you waste, the more energy you wasted being hung up on her, is time your taking away from your Future Wonderful Girlfriend.

I hope everything works out okay for you.

- Carrot

thanks carrot. i get where you are coming from and it helps. i now have something i can always use in the future as i will now. i need to stop wasting my time and energy on her. i didn't about it any other way besides i still love her and i cant have her and just move on. i really appreciate it. you think other people will say the same?

msc199,

i totally understand how you feel, as i went through the same, but after a 7 year relationship... The advice by CA_Orot is all correct and also very difficult to follow. But try to get you mind above the emotions and think clearly and rationally... Waste as little energy as possible on her, find something else to do, try to concentrate on mundane work, hobbies, change the environment. And most important - avoid any communication with her.

CA_Orot is 100% right that she won't change. I made the mistake to believe my ex would change and regretted it bitterly two years later. Don't do it, she doesn't deserve it. Even if she comes back to you, be strong and don't take her. If you think you still love her, think about the crap she's given to you. And don't blame yourself. Consider it important lesson in thrust and move on.

And finally - time will heal. But only if you avoid any contact with her. Eventually you'll be indifferent to her. Find another girl, be it only for the sex.
And again, try to distract your mind with stuff that appeals to you.

Edited to add: What I've learned from my dealings with women is that most of them are naturally insecure. They usually have no idea what they want from life and are unstable. As a result at some point they decide to look for change and blame you for all their failures. I think this is because they are too weak to face the truth about themselves and choose the easier way of transferring the blame.

Anyways, try to understand what you really want and follow your will.

//Sorry if it sounds a bit anti-women or something. Just my observation...//

[edit on 15-6-2008 by Jgruh4e]

thank you for the advice. i find it quite hard not to talk to her. we have been very good friends for a few years. she has been off my mind mostly because i decided to go out and entertain myself.

No Problem bud (and welcome to ATS) But seriously, keeping distance is critical. In order to maintain a rational perspective, and to think with your head, not your heart, distance is necessary. Nothing will change if you keep going for coffee, and hugging, and chatting it up, etc... You will fall back into the same rut you were in the first time, and you don't need to waste your time with that. Thinking with your Head, and ignoring your heart, is Hard - but it has to be done.

As Jgruh4e said, women can be pretty insecure. I am woman, so I'll offer some perpective on this... For some women, this is true. Some women are just so lost about themselves, that they don't know what they want. How can they find happiness and what they want in someone else, if they don't have that within themselves? I had a boss once who lived by this rule: "Isn't it better to find myself first, then to go out in search for someone else? Shouldn't I know myself better and shouldn't I be comfortable with who I am before I go searching?" He is right. And there are women who know what they want, and some who don't.

Keep your eyes open, your head up, and enjoy yourself. Have some Fun. Go Meet some people, take up a new hobby. Whatever it takes, to help you move on. I understand its hard not to talk to her, but I honestly think you'll be better off. There may come a day when you can talk to her again and you won't feel anything for her, but don't rush that day - Let it happen.

Keep Smiling

- Carrot

thanks i think i'm going to like it here. and anyway. thanks for the advice. i'm going to need to keep myself entertained for awhile. i start my new job tomorrow so that will keep me occupied for awhile. i really hope the day will come where i can not feel anything for her. until then i'm going to take your advice and keep smiling.

Go get a whore! That'll get her out of your head, for a while.

Hmm There is that approach too....However...all this will do to you, is make relationships difficult to maintain. You won't know how to deal with issues, you'll just expect them to fix themselves, and it will "cheapen" sex - No pun intended. Casual Sex? Its great...however...you have to have the right frame of mind for it. Going through a break up? Probably not the best time. Every time your relationships fall apart, you'll remember that you ran out for some "fast action" and that eased the pain for a while. Its a quick-fix, and someone who is in love with someone else, shouldn't attempt it - my personal opinion.

- Carrot

yea that is a little sketchy and i'm defiantly not in the right position to do that. as of now i'm starting to loose most of my interest in her. i've met another girl and we hit it off pretty well so now i just have to see where it goes. thanks for your advice everyone. it helped alot. now i know where to go if i need some help (besides my friends of course). thanks again.