House wife almost had it. I wonder if being single would be any better?

Men wonder why women are so picky, and want a man that brings in a steady income. Why? So they don't end up like me.

I married a guy that I loved. The problem is that I knew he had a some what of a temper and a sketchy job history. I know I should not have married him in the first place, but I did.

What is happening now? Almost every job he has had, he always complained about. He never really held onto a job for long, unless it was bad pay. His last job as a OTR trucker, he quit because his company messed with his hours and pay. Fine, but that was back in February. No mortgage payment for this month.

What was I doing? Stay at home mom. I did what he wanted me to do. We had three girls, who are a blessing. I put up with a lot of his antics, and still am. Mostly verbal blaming everything on me. Where did the money go? When he knew it went to pay the bills, food, gas for our van and things like that.

I guess I'm self absorbed and think of no one, since I will go without food so he and my kids can have more. I never think of him, because sometimes I can't keep my frustrations to my self. We need gas in the van, have food in the house, and he buys a pizza which leaves no money for gas. :bnghd:
Of course every thing is my fault, period.

Yes, I put up with his verbal abuse. Why? Because I do love him. He did receive counseling from our paster after he threw a screw driver through a window. First time he did something like that $400, since it was a big picture window. Things have gotten better.

Well, until he hasn't been able to find a job that he can agree with doing. He is doing handy man and lawn care work. He has been fine with that, and has gotten a couple of jobs. He is a good worker, but can't stand a boss breathing down his neck. At least he has a choice of weather to accept work from someone or not.

It has gotten to the point where I can't do what he wanted me to do anymore. He wanted me to stay home and make money at home. How? Ebay? It is not a viable option for me. I just didn't make enough, and didn't have the drive for it.

He and some others kept asking what if questions. I kept responding I'll do what I have to do. I hate mornings. It is easier for me to stay up all night than it is to stay up all morning. What if you need to get a job?

Well, I got a job three days ago. I did what I had to do. I stepped into the job market after ten years of being out of work. Doing what? Night time security officer working the grave yard shift, and burning the midnight oil. I was surprised that they hire me an over weight woman with practically no work history in the past ten years. I did what I had to do in order to survive.

Now my husband is angry with me, because I practically got hired on the spot. I know people at my church have mentioned, talked, or hinted at him getting a job, and how he needs to be the one. Of course that upsets me, but so be it, especially if God is talking to him. Sometimes I would like to hit him over the head with his thinking. I can't get a job, because the company ruined my dac report. Because the job is too far away. Because why would I want to do that job?

Here the security company asked me if he would be interested in a job with them. They would have taken his application the same day. He turned his nose up at it.

We would make it if we both had steady incomes. Once I get up to 40 hours of work a week, I will be able to pay the mortgage and basic utilities. I will also have to feed the van also, but at these high prices

At least he is not cheating on me though, which I guess is a good thing. I found out that after he burns things, he will let the fire "put it self out" even if it takes all night. I'm like WTH. I know we can burn, and it is away from our house, but there is woods not too far from where he is burning. I just saw a deer in our next neighbors house which is right next to ours. Someone dismantled his burn pit, and we don't have a burn barrel. He was burning with just grass cleared around it. Here he is inside, arguing with me, and not tending it.

What I ended up doing was putting the fire out by drenching it with water. I wasn't about to go kick it out with my foot. I told him he can go tend it, or I was going to put it out. He has the option. He is piss** at me because I did what I believed to be right. I didn't want to be the cause of a fire break out. All it would take is one small spark to get away, or a deer to kick it. I'm sorry there are also kids around. Mostly smaller, and around in the day, but still. I'm sure our neighbors would think he is nuts if they knew.

Of course to him, I do every thing wrong. I'm too cautious and paranoid that something will happen. Of course when he quit, he said what do you think I won't get a job in the next three months? Well, guess what happened? Of course I was just being paranoid and nagging back then.

What happens, we get angry at each other. We start not to treat each other right. There are many times I do and try to make an effort. Every once in a while, he will show me that he actually does love me. I know it is not by mowing the grass. Sorry guys, he only does it because it is getting too high. Heck, he rather have me mow it.

He turns around and says no one listens to me, cares what I think. Well, we are listening, but you are just not using logic trying to get out of what you have to do. I think we need some more counseling, but I don't think he will go for it. He already feels the pastor and assistant pastor are against him. I don't want him not to try to start up his own business, but at the cost of loosing our house and having to split up? My kids and I have a place to go, but the people willing to take us in if absolutely necessary is not willing to take him in.

There are times when he tries to make an emotional connection. When we are fighting, I might as well be at that guard shack doing nothing but watching the empty road with no one to talk with. I can still talk with God. The company knew I would go board out of my mind, so they told me to take reading material. What am I guarding? An empty building that may be torn down sometime in the future. I think I there more for fire prevention than any thing else. Nothing is really in the building, since they moved their operation to another location. Plenty of places to hide and call 911 if needed. If one of the guards said sometimes he doesn't see anyone for a week or more, then am I really going to need to? I have more of a chance of something happening driving to and from work.

My kids will pray for my safety and tell me to stay safe, but my husband doesn't. It's not the fact that something could or would happen. It is the fact that he is telling me he cares.

Which lately I have begun to wonder how much he cares for me. He tells me I don't know how much he cares, but then again he doesn't say it often or show me. He just wants to blame everything on me, and have me still do all the house work. So help me if I touch any of "his money" and it is not for bills. Like I buy anything for myself. One PC game in two years, and a pair of shoes and a pair of jeans a year to replace the worn ones I have.

I don't want to make myself out to be a marter, but it is irritating that he accuses of using money on myself or for myself when I really don't.

I'm sorry for such a long post. Singles out there, you might not want to complain about being so lonely. You can end up being just as lonely in marriage. Be careful of who you choose, and what you wish for.

When it comes down to it, I still love him though.

Do you really love him? You say "I still love him though" as if you are trying to convince yourself, or giving yourself a reason to put up with the unhappiness of the situation. Do you really love him? Or is it infatuation? Do you think that the drama of the unhappy situation could actually be driving you to stay?

What do you love about him?

You can't change him hun, the only person you can change is yourself. At this point, you need to do what is best for you and your daughters.

Sounds like your relationship has a lot of issues and you need to take a step back and look at them from a different perspective.

I got tired after reading about 2/3rds of your post because it seemed you had so much to say. Now I am not saying that to be mean, but that I simplify things so much that your posting overwhelmed me.

I know how it is to second guess how you think you feel about someone. You have a lot of problems and figure if you hang in there it will get better some how, but I have never really seen anyone who complains about their relationship ever have it 'get better'. If you know you have this many problems, it probably is a good idea to quit kidding yourself and move along to something else.

I did this myself recently and have never felt better. I am so content right now it is amazing. Sometimes, you just cannot fix someone, even by talking because they just don't get it - sorry to say.

Not trying to knock your spouse, but it sounds like he needs to figure out what he wants out of life and you do to.

Good luck and I wish you the very best.

Iam here to listen. Been in your situation, but my ex was more abusive.
But everything else you described is very close to the same.
I was not allowed to work, or go back to school.
He kept getting dead end low paying jobs. We went without many things.
I ate once a day so my kids wouldn't have to.
We have been separated 9 months now.
Iam so happy, my kids are happy. He gets by on his own, and is coming to terms with things changing.

I believe you when you say you love him.
But I also believe in your heart and mind, that this is not right.
In a marriage you should be happy, and happy to be together.
I don't know what his problems are emotionally, but he obviously has issues.
YOU did the right thing, but it made him feel inadequate.
He was probably already dealing with low self esteem.

Snowflake is right.
Do what is best for you and your children. He is an adult, and can take care of himself.
Honey you DESERVE far better.
There are so many men out there that would treat you with the respect you deserve. Don't settle for one who does not.
The beginning of this road is bumpy..but the smooth pavement is straight ahead.

Hmm... One thing I know is, the more a couple loves God, money becomes less of an issue. Money wont solve the real problem here. Your husband does not have much respect for submetting himself to the authority of another (a boss). If he has anger issues, he needs to learn to control it, that may be the main factor in his work issues. He needs to learn that it's not the end of the world if something doesn't work out right, he needs to learn not to stress out over things too, both of you probably do.

What is it you call love? Is it your physical attraction to him? Is it a feeling you have? Is your love an emotion?
Right now you are experiencing what real love is all about, is it what you want? Love is not always about what we want, but what needs to be.

He shouldn't have a problem with you getting a job, you are an individual, if you are trying to support yourself and your family, there is nothing wrong with that, we do not live in the best of times. It seems your husband has this fantasy life planned in his head, the "Atomic Family" as it is known, but this is not reality, not everyone is who he is, people are different, he needs to learn how to except that and work with others and submit to others.

Hope I helped,

-Jimmy

every marriage got its issues, try ur best to cope with these problems and tell him to stop blaming u on everything, but in order to do that u need to stop blaming him on everything. try and give him advise without criticizing him. in the long run things can get better. I guess u got those moments where u regret marrying him but that is normal it will pass, the problem here really are ur financial issues which is wrecking ur family. find a solution to it before doing anything else.

I am sorry to hear the situation you are in. The one question I would have to ask is if he(and yourself) still have a positive influence on your children or does it affect their behavior? My parents were unhappy together for the most part of their marriage but stayed together for the kids. I remember telling them at the age of 12 that they should get a divorce since they were so misserable. 8 years later they did and now they are both happier. I guess my point is your children will reflect the status of your relationship and can offer the truest insight to your marriage. I have been happily married for 7 years now; only a short time, but I look forward to the rest of our lives. Our little one reflects our personalities and moods back to us and I can see through her when our stresses build up. I personally make the effort to improve my mood and pass it on to them. To end ... what I'm trying to get at is if you have a negative environment and you can't "cheer" it up, how happy will you be?

Thanks everyone for your responses. I do have a lot to think about.

DuneKnight, you practically hit the nail on the head so to speak. There are times when I regret marrying him, but yet I believe things can get better.

Do I love him, many have asked. Yes, I still do. It has gone past the physical. I know there would be a part of me missing if we separated. That would be the hard part about it. I still think there is a positive influence on the kids. On one hand, they don't need to be around the arguing. On the other hand, they don't need to be thinking marriage will be a fairy tale either.

Hopefully they will make good decisions on who to choose as their better half. As I said, I have some thinking and praying to do. He was angry at himself on Memorial day I found out to day. I guess some of the things said in church the day previously got to him. He is talking about getting a job.

He is still centered on I, me, my though. At least it seems to me to be that way. Then again how many times have I done that, and maybe haven't realized it? Then again, I'm not quick to anger either. There are times I believe he is angry, but he says he isn't. Either he actually believes he isn't, or I'm too geared for him to respond with anger.

The other thing is I don't know if I can raise three kids on my own.

Then maybe this is all just a by product of not having enough money.I would be a hypocrite if I didn't get angry myself now and then due to not having. I may be triggering an argument also through as Dune said too much criticism.

As I said I need to think.

I might be a tad too young to comment, and I'm a guy who can't hold down a job, but there are two outlooks I'd like to share with you.

First, it could be worse. I know that's awful to say about a marriage and a family, because you want the best for your kids.. But lets be honest, people have their problems and you knew them going in. It isn't exactly fair to expect change in someone, even as they age...

HOWEVER

One of my best friends (26 yo female) is a product of a marriage that is almost identical to yours. And she really does her best to not talk down to her father, as he really is a child compared to her. He was self absorbed and had the same problems your husband does. She always feels ashamed to talk about him, and that's a huge problem for the family. She is, however, a hard working, independent, all around balanced woman.


I saw myself a couple years ago turning into this type of man. I have a college degree I worked hard for, but ever manager I have had I have loathed beyond comprehension. I have a mind for business, and poor business practices to any degree will just torture me at work.

So what did I do? Decided at the age of 22 that I would never work for someone else for more than 2 years at a time, and that would only be so I could survive and raise money for my own endeavors. Now I am part of a touring indie-label band, I own a radio ad company and a music production company, and I am soon to be the owner of a cafe come November. I couldn't be happier. I'm working harder than ever, making money, and there's no one to tell me what I'm doing wrong.

So tell your husband to think about a small company or shop he might always have wanted to start. It is ALOT more responsibility, but in the end ALOT more fulfilling. It may be a hard first couple years, but your family will thank you for your patience in the end, and it will probably bring you two closer, as you can help him when you have time.

If that doesn't work, then think about maybe cutting losses.

Much Love,
Jace

reply to post by Mystery_Lady


Mystery_Lady

House wife almost had it. I wonder if being single would be any better?

Your story by itself speaks volumes of what you are going through. I have but one thing to say;
Love is sometimes Blind, but it is not Stupid. Make the choice that is best suited for YOU.
I divorced my wife of 29 years 5 years ago. At first I thought I would die, and then I thought I'd be alone from then on, then I met my current wife. Much younger than I, she is a dreamboat. Good luck to you, Mystery_Lady