My Dad passed away last Wednsday Feb 18

My Father has been battling heart problems since 1981. He suffered a triple bypass, 3 heart attacks, and 5 strokes. None of the strokes had a perminant effect on him and he was back to normal with in months of each.

The day after thanksgiving he was diagnosed with cancer (blood, brain, bone and liver). He was never one to complain about anything, so this was a shock to all of us. The doctors ran tests and could not determine where the Cancer originated. The doctor said he was in stage 4 and there was not much they could do about it.

He did a couple weeks of radiation and seemed to be improving. A week after he had finished the radiation he started loosing weight and ended back in the hospital on the tail end of a sizure caused by the brain tumor. It was all down hill after that. They sent him home from the hospital and sent Hospice over immediatly.

This made my mother worry so much, she suffered a stroke and ended up in the hospital. Luckily, all that was affected was her speech and she checked her self out of the hospital against mine and her doctors wishes.
Now, if I didn't have enough to wory about, I had to take care of both of them. My Brother and sister were there too and helped out just as much as I did, but it was still a huge job.

I tried to discuss any other alternative medicines to the doctor and he pretty much told me that there was no hope, he cant discuss medical marijuana because it's against the law, and all that was important now was to keep him comfortable untill he dies.
I tried other times to get intouch with his doctor but he didn't return my calls and would only talk to my mother, who believes anything anyone with some sort of licence says as athority(lemming). Having everyone in my family believe (except me) that there was no hope, he was put out to pasture.

I tried to discuss the alternatives with my father but the tumor and another stroke made it hard for him to understand me or me to understand him. Other than trying something against his will (which I was not going to do) there was nothing more I could do. He withered away fast.

Many attempts were made to get him to sign a DNR when he was "of mind" with no success. He still believed he had a chance and so did I. Unforurtinatly his doctor didn't and he had everyone else convinced the same.

I sat next to him and held his hand most of the last three days of his life. Every once in a while he would say something I could understand and I would act as if nothing was wrong and cheerfully smile and talk to him for the moment he made sence. His blood pressure was dropping rappidly on the seccond to last day and I knew his time drew near.

It was now my brother and my respobsibility to go out and finsd a funeral home and burial plot for him. This was the single worst shopping I have ever done.
He was a retired Millitary Vet so the grave, stone, and vault were covered and life insurance would cover the rest.

My brother took over for me and sat by his side on tuesday night/early wed morn and I took a short nap. When I woke up and relieved my brother, I sat next to my father and held his hand his breathing was about 5 secconds apart. I told him for the millionth time how much I love him and told him quietly in his ear "it's ok to go now, you can let go if you want" and he passed away peacefully 3 minuits later.

The strange and wierd thing is, what I thought was going to be hard and devistating, was not. I was not glad to see him go, and already missed him more than I can say. The important thing was I felt a peace in the room that was not there right before. I could feel that there was nore more pain or suffering.

He was sent off with Millitary honors, a 21 gun salute at Quantico National Cem. That would have made him very happy and proud. He was a good, kind, gentel man. I definatly look at him as a great father! I was lucky to know him in this life. I hope our paths will once again cross, it would be good to see him again.

I do look at the world a bit differently now. I can't exactly put my finger on it, but it feels like an awakening of sorts. Death does strange things to the people it does not take.

Anyone have any similar experiences?


[Edited on 27-2-2004 by baked]

I am sorry for your loss Baked. My best regards (tip of the hat) to you and your family!

Yeah. My father passed on November of 2003. I'm definitely going through "changes." Mainly it's been an awaking of empathy, like a flower unfolding. I'm not a bleeding heart or anything, but I certainly feel for things now. One thing that helped me deal with his passing is that I truly believe that there is something on the other side and I will be reunited with my father, eventually. But until them I live to make him proud.

Originally posted by ktprktpr
Yeah. My father passed on November of 2003. I'm definitely going through "changes." Mainly it's been an awaking of empathy, like a flower unfolding. I'm not a bleeding heart or anything, but I certainly feel for things now. One thing that helped me deal with his passing is that I truly believe that there is something on the other side and I will be reunited with my father, eventually. But until them I live to make him proud.

Said Perfectly!
Sorry too for your loss.
Feel free to U2U me if ya feel like talking or venting.

And thanks D.R.! Much appricated
Baked

[Edited on 27-2-2004 by baked]

Sorry to hear about your father Baked. I know how bad cancer is because I too have had to take care of a loved one will dying of it. It is a sort of relief when the time comes because of the pain that they have to go through.

My very best to you and your family. Actually, we are neighbors also. I live in DC. U2U me if ya need to talk or something.

I Lost my Mother on January 1st of this year.

IT was unexpected and she was only 53 yrs old.

Late 2003 she had what we were told was a stroke and a seizure, recovered from both of them and returned home. On Dec 27th, I got a call that my Father and Brothers had her back at the hospital and she was not doing good at all.

I live 5 hours away from them all. I got the call to get there so I took off. When I arrived at the hospital, I was directed to the Intensive care waiting area, I found my Brothers and My Dad, 2 Aunts and 3 cousins were also there, so I knew it was pretty bad.

I was told that Mom was just coming out of surgery, after having gone into cardiac arrest 2 times.

Mom had an ulcer that we didn't know about. She never complained of stomach pain. Over the past year, she did complain of a lot of back pain, no one thought too much of it.

The ulcer finally burst and caused a hole in her stomach. All of the stomach acid was released into her body and dig significant damage to her liver and kidneys.

At first the doctor said the "hole" in her stomach was fixed and she could recover. The next day we were told that her kidneys would not function and dialysis was needed. After two days of that , they still would not function. The Doctor finally called my Dad and Brothers together to tell us that she would only live a few more days.

That was the hardest moment of my life. I didn't know what to do, what to say or think. I just didn't want to exist.

We had almost all of our family there with Mom. THe nurses were very understanding and never made us comply with the visiting hour rules, someone was by Moms side at all times.

To go back for a moment, when I arrived at the hospital, she came out of surgery and we were allowed to go back to see her. Mom was on a ventilator but was awake. I got to hold her hand and asked her if she knew who I was. She couldn't talk, but nodded her head yes that she knew who I was. I told her not to worry about things, just take care of herself that we'll all be there and no one is leaving. Mom struggled to talk and I told her that I know, she is trying to say that she loves me too, she nodded her head again.

Later that night, it was determined that she has to be in pain and that she needed to be sedated for comfort. My family agreed.

Over the next 2 days, I would go in to see her and she would open her eyes and look at us. Every once in a while she would squeez our hands, which made it hard to beleive that she would not get any better.

I asked for a minute with my brothers ( 2 of them, I am the oldes) and my dad. I told them, that while I'm not giving up on Mom, maybe she needs to, maybe she needs to go now. I told them that I wanted to go talk to Mom and tell her that it's okay if she is tired of fighting.
they agreed.

So I was with Mom by myself, and it was the hardest thing to do, I said "Mom" and she opened her eyes, and her head moved a little bit. I said I love you very much, you are such a good mother and wife. You have done such a wonderful job raising me and my brothers. We all love you very much. Mom, you're really sick, it's a hard fight, if you need to rest now, if you don't want to fight it anymore, that's okay. you go rest now. I kissed her forehead and told her again that I loved her.

My Dad and my "middle" brother went in after that, I never asked what they said to Mom. My youngest brother was the hardest. He's 29, didn't want to go talk to Mom, I finally was able to help him and he went in and talked to her.

We had a preacher from my brothers church stop by, we all prayed with Mom. When asking Mom if she knew how important it was that she was "right with God" she opened her eyes and squeezed hands. That was beautiful.

To go back again, when she was first taken to the hospital, my brother ( Scott, the middle one ) got to the hospital first, behind my Dad, he is religous and got to Mom after the first cardiac arrest, he was able to pray with her and asked her to say the saviours prayer with him and she did.

While this is embarrasing, I feel that I should share it, I think that Mom would have been able to fight harder if it wasn't for her life style. Mom was a smoker and drinker, she had been all of her life. Technically an acholholic. That's okay though, her kids were always first, we always had meals, clothes and she was always there if we needed her.

Mom was very kind and a true friend to a lot of people.She loved kids, it didn't matter who's kids they were, she was also "mom" to them. My two best freinds always refered to her as "mom" and she liked that. No one would ever hurt her kids or any other kids while she was around. I could tell you so many stories.

I too had to go shopping for the funeral arrangements. Mom's favorite color was purple and we found a purple casket, she would have loved it. We also allowed family members to put things in the casket with Mom. The most beloved one was a picture that was taken of Me my brothers, wifes and grandkids just a few years back.


This has been a hard two months, I miss MOm dearly, I have a picture of her that I look at every day and I always tell her goodnight everynight.

The second day that I was there at the hospital with Mom, I prayed very hard for her. I know there is a God and he is ALive. I had such a comfort come over me after praying and realizing that Mom was going to a better place and that she would look in on me from time to time and that someday, I'll be with her again.



[Edited on 27-2-2004 by elevatedone]

The prayers helped me thru this also.
I too, now, KNOW in my heart that there is a god. I felt it at my fathers passing. You just can't put it in to words.

MacMerdin:
Thank You for your words, and you and your loved one will definatly be in my prayers.

elevatedone:
It always helps to surround your self with people similar in plight. Likewise with anyone else, feel free to u2u me if you need someone to understand, or just to vent some steam. I hope things get easier for you, for KTPRKTPR, and for anyone else that looses or lost a parent that they were close to. Important thing is that they know that you love them and crush all grudges and problems before something unforunite happens. I imagine it would be hard to forgive ones self after loosing someone you were fighting with over something trivial. I was lucky I was pretty close to my father and had a pretty good relationship. Nothing elses matters!
Baked

Baked, thanks for your support and kind words.

It certainly does help talking about it sometimes.


have a good day

To everyone who has lost someone, sorry to hear. I myself had my faith restored when it happened to me. At around the day or 2 before he died, he kept saying "granny's coming to take me away". Definately makes you believe in an afterlife. Oh, by the way granny died about 3 months prior.

Originally posted by baked
The prayers helped me thru this also.
I too, now, KNOW in my heart that there is a god. I felt it at my fathers passing. You just can't put it in to words.

My father passed away 2 years ago from lung/brain cancer. Although I had a lot of faith before that....it seemed to triple after. I'm no longer afraid of dying because I know he's waiting for me on the other side...sometimes I just can't wait to dance with him again

Originally posted by Venus

Originally posted by baked
The prayers helped me thru this also.
I too, now, KNOW in my heart that there is a god. I felt it at my fathers passing. You just can't put it in to words.

My father passed away 2 years ago from lung/brain cancer. Although I had a lot of faith before that....it seemed to triple after. I'm no longer afraid of dying because I know he's waiting for me on the other side...sometimes I just can't wait to dance with him again

Love that song and "Remember When" by Allen Jackson
Both I had play at his viewing.

Sincerly sorry for you, Baker.

It is never easy to lose such a close familly member. I feel for you man. Just keep in mind, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. So if you succeed in getting over this, in the end, you'll only be stronger.

My mother was murdered in 2001, at the age of 40.

Life's a bitch.

Originally posted by m0rbid
Sincerly sorry for you, Baker.

It is never easy to lose such a close familly member. I feel for you man. Just keep in mind, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. So if you succeed in getting over this, in the end, you'll only be stronger.

My mother was murdered in 2001, at the age of 40.


Life's a bitch.

Man, I am so sorry!
I imagine it is way more difficult to overcome loosing someone to someone elses greed or stupidity. Bereavment mixed with anger is a dangerous combo. I imagine it would either make me looose my mind if someone I cared about was murdered.

Truely a horrible thing to have happen to you and I feel for you. I hope justice was served to the person responsible for it, although that does not bring back your mother, it's one loose end tied (hopefully around the murderers neck).

Baked

Sad to hear Baked. I send my reguards.

my sincerest condolences to all of you have lost someone in your life recently. May you find the peace and strength you need to carry on in the memory of your loved ones.

Im so sorry for your loss baked. I don't know what I would do if I lost my mother or father. I've only lost one close family member. He was one of my cousins...he.. was like an older brother to me. I looked up to him for advice and guidance. He was 23 I think when was murdered. I still, to this day, have never really gotten over his death....I dont think you ever do. Anyways Im so sorry for your loss. By the way you described him..sounds like your father was a great man.

my condolences go out to u all..... interesting to hear all your stories........


When my grandma died my mom had a dream of her dad, he didn't have his glasses on and had a huge smile on his face, he had big dimples and big blue eyes staring at her. Then he faded away. Later that day she got a phone call indicating her mother's time of death, which was early morning around 6am ish, thats when she had the dream.


Just know that there is another side, and it's bigger and a lot better then this side. It's comforting to me hearing that story over and over when my mom tells it to me.

I think about my grandpa almost every night, he was such a great man. So honest, sincere, always helping others, always smiling and making his hearty chuckles.
Knew how to party, and never let anyone down. He was an awesome man. I miss him so much.

Sorry about your loss baked. My thoughts are with you man.

Originally posted by baked
I imagine it would either make me looose my mind if someone I cared about was murdered.

Yeah, it does kinda make someone lose his mind, somehow... It's like if a part of me died that day too.

I hope justice was served to the person responsible for it,

Actually, the murderer commited suicide right after the act. He hunged him-self. I like to believe justice will be done when I join him in hell and beat his sorry ass.

I don't really believe in hell or heaven, but I believe there will be some kind of "hell" for me to get my revenge when I die. I know I just want it so much that it will exist, maybe just for a moment, so I can at least do this...

My thoughts also go out to all the others who also lost someone precious...

To all that have offered their thoughts, THANK YOU MUCH! Your words of comfort truely have comforted me. Hearing about others losse makes me feel not so alone. It's definatly a part of life one way or another as sad as it may be. I guess the trick would be to take the negative energy and turn it in to positive or creative energy.

Morbid,
It really sucks that you didn't have atleast the last word in your situation. I'm sure that day will come where you will sit in on the judgement of the one that caused you so much grief. I believe no matter how you look at it, that justice always gets served. Some call it Karma, some call it balence, I call it God. Thats just my opinion on it. I pray for you and your mother!

Here is the words to a song I like;

I could tell he'd had a tough life
By the way he sat and stared
And me...I'd come to push and shove
So I pulled up a chair

We talked of roads untraveled
We talked of love untrue
Of strings that come unraveled
We were Kings and kindred fools
And just when I'd hit bottom
That old man raised his glass
And said at least we've had our chances
There's those who never have

So here's to all the soldiers
Who have ever died in vain
The insane locked up in themselves
The homeless down on Main
To those who stand on empty shores
And spit against the wind
And those who wait forever
For ships that don't come in

He said it's only life's illusions
That bring us to this bar
To pick up these old crutches
And compare each other's scars
'Cuz the things we're callin' heartache
Hell...they're hardly worth our time
We bitch about a dollar
When there's those without a dime

As he ordered one last round he said
I guess we can't complain
God made life a gamble
And we're still in the game

So here's to all the soldiers
Who have ever died in vain
The insane locked up in themselves
The homeless down on Main
To those who stand on empty shores
And spit against the wind
And those who wait forever
For ships that don't come in

-Joe Diffie