insomniac trepidations

Insomniac Trepidations.


Silence. Darkness. All alone. No protection. No warning.

And then it was silent.

Dewdrops of shimmering sunlight pour through the small crack in the thick, dark, torn blinds, flooding the floor, drowning even the deepest crevices in my mind in an eternal glow. Flickering, twitching, like a match just before it burns itself into nothing. A flame so vibrant it ignites the senses and deepens our curiosity so that we light another. My eyes blink, not ready to let this light in, but more than ready to wash away the blackness that has coated them for hours on end. A bead a sweat trickles down my face as I sit up, yawning, putting my feet on the cold, hard, creeping floorboards in this frayed 3rd story apartment I call home. My hands are still shaking. My heart is still pounding. Stop it. I shake my head vigorously with the na�ve wish that it will just unravel. It�ll never work. You know it. Why won�t you just accept me for who I am? It�s ok, just give in, I�ll take care of you.
Stop it!

And it was.

I never get any better at this cooking thing. After trudging out of the iron cast bed blanketed in insomniac trepidations, my mind is still never on the right track for making myself ready for the long, well, hopefully never ending day ahead of me. Never quite thinking straight, still skirmishing with it. And here we are once again, trying to overcome it and go on normally. Finally, the seemingly endless buzzer on the timer sounds, and the burning eggs nearly scar our smooth hands, for hard work was never in my past. Off to work, as we sit alone in the dingy cubicle they like to call an �office�, twiddling my mind away on subjects that should never be thought, never be dreamed, never allowed to imagine. But these are good thoughts. We shouldn�t try to stop them. Keep them coming, keep them flowing, keep, kill, death, forever. No!

Silence.

Silence, except for the pattering of raindrops against the windshield. The diamonds that bring so much new life, a refreshing sense of life, are swept away with the rest of the dreams of today. Sweep. Sweep. Silence. Louder. Screaming. Louder. Louder. No. Stop it!

But not a sound.

Not again. Why again? It�s all science. Our day turns to night and I have not the strength to stop the world from spinning. Creaking, Bending, snapping. The coldness of the stairs approaching my 3rd story apartment almost scorch my feet with their cold. A cold so familiar, yet so missed. Laying down, the sweat begins. The pounding races quicker than ever before. Not again.

Silence. Darkness. All alone. No protection. No warning.

No� Not this time� No more sleepless nights. No more haunting, no more fears. Get away from me� Your blade won�t hurt me this time if mine reaches you first.

And then it was dark.