The Never Ending Monty Python-ish Variety Show

Okay...British humor. Who doesn't love it? Here is a great thread for anyone interested to come up with a variety of sketches in the tradition of Monty Python (The Parrot Sketch, The Cheese Shop, A Man with Three Buttocks, The Comfy Chair, Twits...etc)

(opening scene: what appears to be a game show)

Host: "Ello 'ello and welcome to week three of "Who Wants to Marry a Big Gal with a Rich Daddy?" The questionable game where our contestants must ask themselves the question: What would I be willing to do for a buttockload of cash?

We are down to ten finalists; 10 men and two non-men. I say non-men as we are pretty sure two of our finalists do not 'ave penises. Now say 'ello to a lovely gal. A lovely LARGE gal, our big gal with a rich daddy, Ophelia Bumm. "ello Ophelia, 'ow are you today my darling?

Ophelia: (giggling like a big gal) It's great to be here Dick, I just can't get enough of you!

Host (Dick): Well, well, say no more. That brings me to my next question. It has been rumored that two of our contestants do not 'ave male...sexual...organs. Do you want the winner of our show, the one that gets ALL of you, to 'ave a John Thomas?

O: A what?

H: An old fella....you know, a little soldier.

O: Sorry?

H: A penis. Is it important to you, our big gal, to 'ave a fella who 'as...the goods?

*a mod comes in dressed in some sort of military attire*

Mod: Right! Enough! This sketch is pointless and a waste of bandwidth. I am sorry, but I cannot let it continue. Please, everyone, head to the next sketch.


[edit on 23-2-2008 by Excitable_Boy]

(A man walks into a candy store...a chocolate store....a chocolatier as it were. A house of chocolate. Sort of a bank where you can deposit cash and withdraw chocolate. You can use your American Express. Don't leave home without it colonel. Un magasin de chocolat. Ein Schokolade Geschäft. Ooh da ladies do love chocolate......)

(A man sitting at a desk, clipping his finger nails.....just looks briefly at the camera and says)
Sorry. Once again, a man walks into a chocolate store:

(cut to a chocolate store somewhere in the UK....a very large woman is eyeing the choclates in a case and bending over to do it. It is the first thing a gentleman sees upon entering the store)

Customer:
WO! how's that? That's a might distractin' now isn't it? My dad always said: The big ones like the skinny lads. You see a big gal lookin' your way and you had better run. If one comes your way, you run. If one asks you a question or talks to you in any way, pretend to die on the spot. Be prepared to lie there all day if you have to!

Proprietor:
Right then. Are you 'ere to buy chocolate or are you 'ere to look up the knickers of large women?

C: I certainly didn't come to this here establishment to look at the knickers of big gals. I can tell you that right now.

P: You are going to tell me that, right now?

C: I just told you that.

P: Why do you feel the need to use the "right now" at the end of your statement. It's like those bloody bastards in America that are always going on about what they are "fixin' to do." I'm fixin' to go 'ave me some lunch. I'm fixin' to 'ave me a number two. I'm fixin' to axe murder me neighbors.

C: That's not the same at all, squire. Now, I wants to buy some chocolates for the missus.

P: In a bleedin' moment. It is the same you goat excrement!

C: Goat excrement? And by the way, it's in the Yoonited States and in some of the southern states where they say "Fixin' to."

P: OOH. Ain't we all la di da. The Yoonited states, eh? In the southern states then. Your one of them fancy nancy boys. All la di da with your fancy college educated speaking voice. I fart in your general direction and the direction of your family's house.

C: Look here then. I came here to buy chocolate, not to take this abuse.

P: (under his breath) Ahhh...it says in the script that in fact you ARE to take the abuse.

C: But I did come here to buy some bloody chocolate. Can I have chocolate WITH the abuse?

P: (still under his breath) I appreciate 'ow ya feel colonel, I do, but it states quite clearly in the script that under NO circumstances am I to give you any chocolate. I don't even 'ave any chocolate on this 'ere premises.

C: Well, that's different then...(pulls out a gun and shoots the proprietor)



[edit on 11-3-2008 by Excitable_Boy]

Right then...no one seems to want to join me in my COLLABORATIVE sketch writing thread. I can waive the "Monty Python-ish" aspect as long as it remains a comedy....in the modern sense.

It's time for the Sports update with our correspondent in the field, Aichya Bumm. Aichya, what's going on at the Challenge for The Challenged?

Aichya Bumm: Well, it's been a splendid day here so far...wherever the bloody hell I am. (under his breath) God forsaken place if you ask me?

Excuse me Aichya?

AB: Right. Today there were some fantastic events. The Javelin Catch was won by the Canadian with Turrets Syndrome, Rufus Leekin. He won by catching the javelin...in his abdomen...at a distance of 147 meters. When I asked him how proud he was to have won the gold, he had this to say:

Rufus: Thank you BREASTS ARSE KNICKERS BUM it is an honor for me and my PENIS PECKER family.

AB: Super. Okay. Then, in the Three Mile Car Ride, we had an upset. The favorite, Frontelle Lobe, the tumor survivor, was disqualified for no apparant reason. In the wake of the upsetting news, Skip Roper, the dandy from South Africa took the gold by succcessfully not falling out of the vehicle for the whole three miles.

Lastly, there was disappointment at the...jump today. As you know the...jump involves the...athletes to jump, from a standing position on to a patio that is two inches in height. Well, no one was able to make the jump in the prelimiaries, so the event was cancelled and all the entrants were given ice cream instead. It was truly a victory for everyone in the end.

Back to you then sargent major......


[edit on 15-5-2008 by Excitable_Boy]

(cut to three men being held captive by some freaky looking natives on what appears to be a tropical island....)

(the chief speaks) Okay. I give you each choice: Death or Chee Chee. (he looks at the first prisoner) What you choose: death or chee chee?

Prisoner1: Umm, well, I'll take chee chee.

(at this all the natives take turns raping the man while they drink and smoke something in a pipe....basically, it's an all out chee chee party)

Leader: Okay....you may go.

(the prisoner takes off running...)

Chief: (to prisoner #2) Death or chee chee?

Prisoner2: Umm, jeez....well, chee chee I guess....

(same thing as before they go crazy abusing the man and finally let him go)

Chief: (to the last prisoner) What you choose: Death or chee chee?

Prisoner3: I will take death!

Chief: Okay. You have much courage. Death it is, but first...chee chee!

(A man walks into the Human Resources department of his company. He is Mexican and has trouble with English...he does the best he can)

Employee: Hello. Me name is Miguel and I have complaint against me boss.
HR person: Certainly...Miguel. What is the nature of your complaint?
E: He want me to get a hair for me head.
HR: Pardon?
E: He want me to get piece of hair for me head.
HR: Right....I see. He wants you to get a hair piece, a rug, toupe as it were.
E: Excuse please senor, me english is no too good.
HR: Sorry for the confusion Jesus...ah, Miguel. Well....you certainly do NOT have to get a hair piece. What is it you do for this establishment?
E: Me sorry senor, no understand so good.
HR: What do you do? What is your....job?
E: Oh me so sorry. I clean.
HR: You...clean? Anything in particular you clean then?
E: Janitor senor.
HR: Ah yes...toilets and all that. Marvelous (we can hear him thinking to himself: " I hope this bastard washes his bloody hands.")
HR: Who is your boss?
E: Mi boss. Oh please senor, no want lose job. Have family. Nine keeds.
HR: Of course you do. (thinks to himself again: "Bloody Catholics")
E: I try to make a hair for me head. I kill cat an skin an wear on me head. He say no is good.
HR: You killed your cat and wore it's bloody, furry flesh on your head?
E: Si senor. Cat do tase like cheekun.
HR: You ate this poor animal?
E: Was dead senor.
HR: I bet it bloody was wasn't it? Before or after you removed it's bloody, furry flesh?
E: After senor. Me thought would not kill Cinco.
HR: Cinco?
E: Si senor...Cinco es me cat.
HR: Was your damn cat....¡Salga de aquí antes de que le golpee con el pie en las bolas y entonces las ate a una cuerda y le sacuda hacia fuera la ventana!

(The little Mexican man, now wide eyed, slowly gets up and slowly leaves the office).

HR: Bloody Mexicans....

[edit on 12-6-2008 by Excitable_Boy]

(We come back from commercial and we find we are in a medical clinic. There are some patients patiently waiting, reading magazines, etc. A man walks in and heads to the young lady behind the window)

Patient: 'Ello darlin. I am 'ere to see the squire about a problem I am 'avin.
Receptionsist: You mean the doctor?
P: I mean to see the doctor, yes then.
R: Right. Fill this out. What are you here for?
P: At's a might personel isn't miss?
R: The doctor can't help you if I can't tell him what is wrong with you?
P: Well then...I cannot get me bum to stop itchin. I wipe and wipe and still it's bleedin' itchy and I do mean bloody. Itches like a bastahd. You sure are a pretty thing.
R: Ooooh kay. A bit of swamp ass then?
P: Pardon?
R: I say you've got a bit of the swamp ass.
P: What the christ is swamp ass and why you tellin' everyone 'ere my business?
R: Not my fault you have issues with hygiene, specifically in the area of the ANUS
P: Hygeine? I have washed by bleedin' ass repeatedly. Repeatedly miss, do you understand? It has been itchin' me now for ten days. I 'ave 'ad just about enough!
R: Sir, if yo don't calm down I will have to ask you leave.
P: Ask me to leave? Why don't you leave?
R: Don't mind if I do.
(she leaves the front office and comes around to where the patient is standing)
P: What do you mean...you're leavin'? You 'aven't told the doctor why I'm 'ere.
S: Oh I'm sorry sir. I'm not on duty. The doctor will be 'ERE eventually when he notices I haven't sent anyone back to the examine rooms for a while. He HATES that!
(at that, the young lady heads for the door)
R: Take care now SWAMP ASS!
P: I'm going to sue!
Everone in the waiting room: GET IN LINE!



[edit on 23-7-2008 by Excitable_Boy]

A cute Mexican couple are drinking at a bar. It's pretty much empty except for the bartender. They are Hector and Lucy and they are in love.

Hector: Hey Lucy. Let's do the wee wee chew.
Lucy: No Hector, I'm tired and there's people around
H: Oh please Lucita, mi corazon, let's do the wee wee chew just once, si?
L: Hector not now.
H: Oh mi corazoncita, por favor, just one time NOW!
L: Hector...you will have to wait.
H: Come on muchachita, just the one time.
L: Fine. One time.
Hector and Lucy: Wee wee chew a Merry Christmas. Wee wee chew a Merry Christmas. Wee wee chew a Merry Christmas and a Happy new cheer!

A mod enters the set and puts his foot down.

Mod: Right! I don't know how you all can turn someone talking about chewing a wee wee into a Christmas song. It's bleedin' blasphemous it is. Move along now. Everyone...nothing to see here.

Narrator: And now, for something completely different: a man with three buttocks.










[edit on 13-12-2008 by Excitable_Boy]

Three men are attendiing a counseling session to help them better satisfy their wives. One is Italian, one is French and one is British. Let's see what transpires:

Counselor: Right then. The next question I would like to ask you gentlemen is: What do you like to do to drive your wives wild AFTER sex? Let's start with you Harry
Harry (the Brit): Ummm....well, sometimes I like to stroke 'er pubic 'air. That drives 'er crazy.
C: Excellent. Playing with the pubic hair and the pubic area in general certainly can arouse a woman. Okay, Pierre you're up.
Pierre (the Italian...psyche - he's the Frenchman): Well, well. Sometimes I'll pour Champagne in her belly button and then drink it. That makes her giggle.
C: SUPERB! I may have to try that on the missus tonight myself. Lastly, Vinny, what do you like to do to make your wife crazy after sex?
Viiny: Hey Doc. How you doin'? This one's easy. Sometimes after sex I get up and wipe my dick off on the drapes. Drives her NUTS!










[edit on 18-12-2008 by Excitable_Boy]