How does having an abusive father affect your future?

I am now 20 years old, but all my life growing up, I had an abusive father that drink alot, and does drugs. Still does. He used to hit me, not really to often, but beat my mother more. He always hollered at me, my mom, and sisters alot.

He also cheated on my mother alot, and he is a sex offender. Although there is no proof of him and another buddy of his, raping a girl on drugs.

He does not hit on my mother anymore now, because she will call the cops, and I am older and will not let that happen.

He has already been shot and stabbed for the way he his, neither one has affected him to much. He is still alive, and is still a mean person.

He blames it on his father, who was the same way, and died when he was only 13.

What my question is. From seeing these things and having them done to me, makes me want to behave like this if I ever have kids. I did not really want to share this story anyone.

But I just had to get others opinions. I do not drink or do drugs, because I see how they make my father angry.

Because of him, I have so much anger in me, that I try to hide from others. And I don't want to be the way he is to my possible kids and wife in the future. Im so scared sometimes I might be because of my anger. But I want to end the line of abuse.

I DO NOT want to be like him. But why did this have to happen to me? Maybe it was something for me to learn a lesson out of and make me stronger?

I feel like a very strong person for putting up with him. How do I let all of my anger out before it consumes me?

I dont want to be the next son in his family that does the same thing his father did. So can you ATSer's give me some advice? Much Appreciated thanks.

I can relate to this 100% but with my mother..
And i share the same feelings as you, I never want to be like her and i want to be a mother she could not be, but i fear that i will end up like her and that scares me,

I feel anger and pain and i also feel like one day its going to all swallow me up and ill look in the mirror and ill see her face in me,


But you know what.....

What makes us different?

We Care about the future, We care about our future children, We care about how we may effect others,

There's the point that we are not like them, ..That is the dividing line that makes us a better person then they where,

My hurt will make me always aware of how my actions can effect others, most don't ever feel that until its to late,

I never what my children to feel the pain of being unloved or hit and not even knowing why,



Jca- you are already a better person





[edit on 31-10-2007 by asala]

I got therapy. I learned to separate my choices from his. I learned that all he did, he did because of who HE was. It's not related to who I am and the choices I make. It had nothing to do with me.

I used to be very angry, hurt, sad and I felt sorry for myself. With good reason. And then I learned how to let it go. I will never be thankful to my dad for the stuff he did, but now, I can see the cool stuff he did and be grateful for that. I feel pretty neutral toward him these days. He was just a man. He was messed up, too. Yeah, he took it out on us sometimes. And it hurt me and scarred me. And I survived.

Your dad may have screwed up your past, but your future belongs to you. Don't let him have that, too.

"We ought not to look back unless it is to derive useful lessons from past errors, and for the purpose of profiting by dear-bought experience."

George Washington (1732 - 1799)

Learn from his mistakes and as long as you steer clear from the contributing factors of his irrational behavior (drugs and alcohol), you are in control.

How does having an abusive father affect your future? Well, I believe what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. However, you still must make important decisions. You can take the low road and follow in his footsteps, blaming your lack of self-discipline on your father or you can take the high road and build your own future.

It takes some strength to overcome the difficulties problematic fathers can make. Therefore, many do not make that quantum leap in their own behaviour. Try to see the victim in him, and your understanding of yourself will improve you immeasurably over his standards.

Originally posted by asala
Jca- you are already a better person

[edit on 31-10-2007 by asala]

Thank you asala for your kind and warm word. You have gave me great advice, and I feel like you have taught me something new. Thank you. Im sorry about your experience. Good luck in your future.

Originally posted by redled
It takes some strength to overcome the difficulties problematic fathers can make. Therefore, many do not make that quantum leap in their own behaviour. Try to see the victim in him, and your understanding of yourself will improve you immeasurably over his standards.

Yes, I feel like I am alot stronger now then I ever was. But how can I look at him as a victim, when really I was a victim. But technically I guess we were both victims.

Originally posted by Paresthesia
How does having an abusive father affect your future? Well, I believe what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. However, you still must make important decisions. You can take the low road and follow in his footsteps, blaming your lack of self-discipline on your father or you can take the high road and build your own future.

Thank you Katt Drugs and Alcohol is not something I'd never touch, because I see what it does to people first hand experience.

And I believe I already the stronger man. I always tell him that I will know how to treat my kids and future wife, unlike yourself. But thank you and have a wonderful night.

[edit on 31-10-2007 by jca2005]

Originally posted by jca2005
I am now 20 years old, but all my life growing up, I had an abusive father...
[] So can you ATSer's give me some advice? Much Appreciated thanks.

Thats a heavy one to come across at 2:15 am. Heavy indeed.

We are all dealt a deck of cards; I have only one kidney and childhood lead poisoning.

You are here to bear witness.

You are here to work things out.

Forgiveness is a virtue.

Do not be attached to anyone; lest you can share joy and love.

Learn from your past.

Set new standards for your future.

Recognize righteousness and do not fall into comfortable evil patterns.

Only YOU can make YOU angry.

Every thought, feeling, perception, or memory you may have causes a modification, or ripple, in the mind. It distorts and colors the mental mirror. If you can restrain the mind from forming into modifications, there will be no distortion, and you will experience your true Self.

- Swami Satchidananda

I am,

Sri Oracle

This is an interesting thread.

There are many types of abuse of which the most common are emotional, physical and sexual.

Each type takes a toll on the entire family regardless of who is targeted and in many cases the family has what is called a symptom-bearer, which is to say, a member whose conduct is problematic, whereas other members of the family may be able to present to the world normally, despite the "family secret."

I am unable to address this issue more broadly at this time but here are some links to help you with the issue from an academic perspective, which is an important part of understanding how the problem might affect you and how it does affect others.

www.google.com...

In my experience, one never gets over things as traumatic as abusive families, but it is very much possible to learn to move on and, as someone noted, to draw strength from the lessons learned.

In your case, your father stated that he blamed his behavior on his father and it is very common that problems like this are multi-generational, but that is an unacceptable excuse.

Someone has to eventually break the chain, especially in a society as advanced as ours, where information and help are so readily available, including social support in places like the internet, despite the problems the internet can introduce.

However, social support is probably the most effective therapy there is as is demonstrated by the ongoing success of 12 step programs. Private therapy may be indicated, but that's a decision that you must make for yourself as no one therapy works for everyone and no one therapy is enough for some.

Look for a support group on the internet and also one in your hometown, but be advised that without some sort of guidance from a professional, support groups can exacerbate the problem. That's why going into something like that requires some preparation on your part.

Good luck and I will try to add more in the future, if necessary.

The fact that you see these things he is doing is wrong and you dispise his acts show you are on the road to not turning out like that.

Just remeber that when you feel the urge to do something like he does, tell your self your smarter than that idiot and there is no need to go there!

reply to post by jca2005

I must warn you, jca. You must not let yourself live through your hatred of him, nor can you let yourself live to avoid becoming like him. Attempting to do that actually leads you right back to where your father is.

It really doesn't help, and it's much easier said that done, but you have to get rid of your hatred and live for yourself. There's a little prayer I found on a pressed coin...

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I'd a good prayer, or just a saying, even if you're not religious.

I had a very abusive stepfather, both physically and emotionally, and it took me until my early twenties to address and start to change the harm - he'd done me harm, but I'd also done some to myself by conforming to his twisted view of the world.

I don't think I'll ever have total peace of mind, but I have recovered pretty well so far. Now I just have to keep on the same path and not let the memories ruin me or my life.
It's been over 20 years since I left home and got him out of my life - but sometimes the abuse is still in my head.

I think that coping and learning are unique to each person and how they do it - I've never had therapy, but I do have bouts of depression.

That said, by recognising certain things at a fairly young age I think you've already made a pretty big step forwards - and that's the key IMO - look forwards, not back and do everything you can to prove him wrong in how he looked at the world - not for him, for yourself.

[edit on 14-11-2007 by Johnmike]

i am pretty messed up from it....dad was physicaly abusive to me when he was drunk which was all the time...

about the only things i can rattle off without getting deep is it made me friggin vow i would never hit a woman lik he did my mom, and, he made me tough.

starting as an early teen he wanted to scrap...at first i just got hit on but then i started to fight back...

i am not scared of anyone because there is nothing that someone else can do to me that he didn't alrady to.

i have sig burns on my left arm that i have tried to cover with a tattoo.
he busted me in the mouth one time and it split it on my k9 and i got all stitched up.....
numerous instances like this.

honestly, it effects everyone differently.

i am a very angry, bitter, person...i reat my wife like gold though. i would #in chop my hand off before i hurt her....

you just got to get through it

I think many of us have dealt with an abusive parent, relative or friend at some point. The best thing to do is not let their decisions and choices in life affect yours. You are not them and you don't have to be like them. They may have been too weak to overcome abuse that they suffered in their lives, but I think many people will realize that such behavior is foolish and gets you no where. I had some hard times with my parents, but because I never backed down from what I believed and still was successful in life, got a great job that paid for my education and lets me travel to different places all the time....Well now they have more respect for me, because they know they'll never change who I am. I just hope you don't hide yourself in a shell because of your abusive father, you should try to find the people that will open up opportunities for your future.

reply to post by jca2005


the way you correct it is by being a better parent + person than they were, and by teaching your kids the same value.
then, every generation will improve instead of being held back with more of the same.



[edit on 17/11/07 by Obliv_au]