Jealousy

Ok here’s my dilemma, I’m really insecure, I’m really jealous and it’s tearing my relationship apart.

We are engaged, but we are constantly fighting all the time and I know it’s my fault but I don’t know how to stop. I get jealous when she talks to other guys that I know are just friends, but she’s a big flirt and I know this. I know she flirts but its harmless flirting. She lives with me, she tells me she loves me, she tells me she wants to make a life with me, and we are planning on a life together but if things don’t improve on my end it might not happen.

I’m really insecure also. When I was younger I had a gf I dated for 3 years that ended up cheating on me with my best friend. This always left a scare in me and it has never healed. I can’t seem to get happy. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I don’t know what to do whom to turn to or anything. I want to make this work so much I do. I love her, I love her son, but I know its me and I know something’s not right. What’s wrong with me?

PLEASE HELP!!!

Can be a tough thing my friend. I lost a girl once because of my jealous tendance. You need to train yourself to let it go sometimes. If she is a flirt, she will never change. Don't try and make her change, because that is what drawn you to her in the first place. It is part of her personalitly. Just remember you may think she is flirting, but at the end of the night she will be walking out the door with you.

Jealousy and possessiveness can often be used as means to control someone.

You're either going to have to take a good long look at your jealousy/insecurity issues or lose your girl. Eventually a woman will get fed up with this method of attempted control and leave, unless she has self-esteem issues.

Your insecurity also stems from self-esteem issues.

My advice is, go get some counseling for yourself, as well as some couples counseling for the two of you.

It's better to do this now, than later, after a possible marriage starts to fall apart. By then it's usually too late anyway.

i am not into girls that are 'big flirts'...
i just don't dig the whole flirting thing and i would very much have a problem with it....thats your problem though, not hers....

talk to her about it and see if you can get past it.

you ain't married yet.

A quick tip for you that is guarenteed to work! You are insecure because you are filled will selfdoubt!

You need to get some books on Body Language and study people! You will see the things people do that are harmless and see the things that people do to engage in serious relationships.

Then you will have the confidence to know and blow off the things she does or step your foot down and sit her down for a serious crossroads relationship talk!

Good Luck!

Have you and your girl talked about boundaries and how far is too far?

Maybe you can set up a line and promise to try and not get mad unless she crosses that line.

Also, I know how easy it is after you have been cheated on to think that every one that you go out with is going to cheat on you. But you can not hold your current lover responsible for what previous girls have done. When you have this attitude, even the simpilist everyday things can be viewed as "suspicious" by you, and that is dangerous because it will make her feel controlled and make her feel that she can't do anything without you thinking that she is cheating on you.

I have always tried to look at it as "innocent until proven guilty". I can suspect all I want but accusing someone of something isn't fair unless I have concrete evidence. So everytime you get jealous, remind yourself that it's a mere suspicion and not concrete proof of cheating.

Also remember, a lover is not property. You can not control what your lover does. If someone does cheat on you, you don't have the right to tell her that she can't be doing that. However you certainly have the right to decide to move on.

Grow up and be a man, if you are this insecure you have absolutly no buisness getting married. Your previous ex cheated on you , get over it this is not her and you cannot go around making her guilty for someone elses's crime. If you are that insecure then you need to get some professional help, do yourself a favor and get it. If you really want to keep this one you need to knock it off before she decides that she has been accused of it so much she might as well be. So she goes around flirting with other guys so go talk to other women and distract yourself. You want the relatonship to flourish occasionally go and do something new and spontaneous, you know what? they actually like that stuff. Good luck to you.

Jealousy is a big ugly green monster ready to make you miserable and and ruin your relationship. It can make you actually feel ill. I was a very jealous person at one time in my life.

If you don't have trust between you and your girl your relationship is doomed.

You need to dig way down deep within yourself and try your best to trust your sweetheart. Give it a chance. Being able to trust a SO is a wonderful feeling.

I wish you the best,
Dizzie

You say that this flirting is harmless, but it's hurting you?

I think you need to have a talk to her, and tell her how you are feeling about the whole incident.
A previous post mention that you can't change a person from being who they are, but you can make them more conscious/aware of their actions that they make.

let it subside man, think about it, if you carry on this way you'll lose her, if her flirting gets too bad and she goes to another man, you'll lose her, simplist thing is to, do some harmless flirting youself mate, boost you conifdence up abit, show her that you're not jelous of every other guy in her life, belive me, everything will subside, the fightin' ect. give it a go mate, you've got nothing to lose =)

The first thing is admitting you have a problem; you have already done that.

The next is getting help.

Seek a counsellor.

You can't sort this out on your own.

Originally posted by Thurisaz
The first thing is admitting you have a problem; you have already done that.

The next is getting help.

Seek a counsellor.

You can't sort this out on your own.

You dont need a counsellor mate
belive me

One thing that hit it on the head for me was my friends girlfriend...

I once was quite jealous, anytime my girl (at the time anyways) talked to guy or anything, i could feel the wee green monster bursting out!

That was until i seen my friends girl flirting outragously. If you had a pulse you were a target. It was then i realised that i was actually quite lucky...

Just don't do what i did. I messed up the one thing I had going for me. I ended up fighting about something stupid and now I may have messed things up beyond repair. I was upset because my girl would never make plans with me. She would tell me that she was going to a friends and she actually did, but I couldn't get past things that happened in past relationships. I just wanted to go out with her. but her friend had to tag along. as usual. I ended up fighting over that. and now I can't think about a future. she says she still loves me, but I fear the worst.


Just try your best to be the best person you can. Now I am ranting. sorry

The reality is: once a flirt or dog, always a flirt or dog. The same goes for insure folks who can’t seem to let go of those who like to have a good time with friends. Also, maybe too many friends may be factor in your otherwise passionate 'talks' with each other. And those friends could almost always ruin any relationship. (It’s one of the many horror stories I hear with perfect strangers and ungrateful relatives alike).

Anyways, y’all can’t force love. And you, my friend, can’t force her to stop being, well, so friendly. A question you may wish to ask yourself is: Why do you REALLY love her AND her son? If you are still single and without kids of your own, perhaps it’s time to move on with someone else, who doesn’t push your ‘insecure’ button.

Good luck with your, em, love life though.