Well, here goes

I have no problem with women, or with sex, but for quite a while now I've been pretty much celibate - through choice.

I mean celibate in the sense that I haven't had intercourse with a woman for nearly 4 years.

I've had relationships and I've had other types of sexual expression, but no intercourse - I just haven't felt right about it with any of my G/F's in the last 4 years, and I just can't figure it out.

I haven't been wounded and sworn off women or anything like that.

I remember making a conscious decision not to have intercourse until I felt it was the right time for me.

I've been pressured by G/F's to do it, but I didn't want to - not that I couldn't or that I had no response, I just didn't want to, which inevitably led to the relationships (such as they were) ending.

Maybe I'm just going through a change in mentality, I don't know.

Any thoughts?

Have you tried to figure out why you feel this way? Is it a fear of something, or perhaps different reasons depending on the G/F.
Try being in a marriage and celibate.Going on 5 years.
You said you wanted to hold off till it felt right for you.What expectations do you have? Perhaps you have set the bar too high.Just my 2 cents.

Sounds kinda like me. I'm going on 3 years myself, having previously been married/divorced. I don't have a problem with sex, but it's just one of those things I won't do with just anyone.

Modern western culture and the advent of contraceptives has put sex into the entertainment category. It's just as sacred anymore, and personally I won't 'do it' with someone unless I find them to be a worthy lifetime partner. I'm not religious either so it's not like I believe I'll go to hell if I get a little action.

Due to my preference I find it difficult to find the 'right person'. Seems like everyone and their dog has been with 10-20 other people these days.

I think that part of the problem is that I'm expected to want to jump the bones asap, but I simply don't feel that way.
I'm a very sensual person, and I think there's more to sex than just the ferry method - you know, roll-on, roll-off - I'm just not into that.
I don't have performance anxiety and I'm comfortable with myself, physically, spiritually and emotionally.
My g/f's have been attractive (to me) and I've developed feelings for them, but have held back from taking that final step - I just didn't want that type of sex.
I've been intimate without taking that step, and because my last g/f gave me a hard time when we finished, I've been thinking about it, but can't come up with anything - hence the thread.

I was VERY sexually active when I was younger, but I haven't been able to figure out how that might have affected me - if it did.

I've also been in committed long term relationships and have a child from one of them, but I always parted with partners on good terms.

I'm pretty stumped and am starting to think there's something wrong with me - I just can't figure it out.

Budski I wish I could help you out on this but I can only offer a female perspective.I hope other members can give you the answers you are looking for. AD

reply to post by budski


I tip my hat to you budski, posting such a personal issue.

Obviously to get a greater grasp on the issue would require more detail and to what degree you divulge is entirely up to you, so feel free to answer those questions you feel comfortable with and suitable to an open forum.

I think it would help to know what attracts you to those you have relationships with, in the G/F sense?

Is there a dominant factor that is common to those you have relations with, physically, emotionally and intellectually?

We'll start with those and see how we get on.

I´m twenty five, divorced with one child, and I have only been with my former wife sexually. Is there something wrong with wanting to share something special, or rather, share something speical with someone special?

I have no problems getting girls, but I have a big problem liking the girls I do get. Here in Norway, it´s quite cliché if you haven´t had sex before you turn sixteen. (Thankfully I was raised in the United States.) So I tend to see most (if not all) Norwegian girls as "easy" and that is the No.1 reason I´m celibate.

But I think that we put too much stress on the whole sex thing. Is it great? Yes, do you need to have it with everyone that comes your way? No.

When you find someone who really clicks with you, and understands you, it´ll happen. Don´t let your life revolve around it. Or you´ll just make things much worse for yourself!

My 0.2 cents for what it´s worth.

Frontkjemper

Originally posted by Koka
reply to post by budski

 

I think it would help to know what attracts you to those you have relationships with, in the G/F sense?

Is there a dominant factor that is common to those you have relations with, physically, emotionally and intellectually?

We'll start with those and see how we get on.

I'll divulge pretty much anything, within reason (mine, that is :lol

First question:
The thing that first attracts me is eyes and wit. A cheeky grin, someone who knows how to have a laugh, but is also down to earth.

Dominant factor physically, is that I tend to go for non caucasian women, because I like brown eyes.
Emotionally I go for independent types, but who are still emotionally switched on. In other words, they do their thing, but still like a cuddle at night.
Intellectually, I just like women who are on the same level, although I thoroughly respect intelligence, I prefer someone with a sense of humour who is capable of self deprecation - in other words, not up their own bum.

Originally posted by budski

Maybe I'm just going through a change in mentality, I don't know.

Maybe you are realising that you, as a male
has control over copulation.

I had this realisation, when I was quite a bit younger
than you.

Women (as I've seen) attempt to control
a relationship with sex.

You, as I have done, have turned their own
weapon on them.

I applaud you.

I truly wish more men would do this.

Regards,
Lex

reply to post by Lexion


Point taken.Sorry to derail your thread a bit Budski.

Try being in a marriage and celibate.Going on 5 years.

Hey Accessdenied, I thought marriage and celibacy were one and the same thing ha ha...

The fastest way I know not to get sex is to get married. I spent 8 years with the mother of my son and in the last few years I could count the times i got any on the fingers of one hand.

Sy, ditto to that, but add 3 years.

you need to find you a woman that is not all about wanting sex..

i feel your pain...after i split with my sons mom, i went many years without sex....i could have of course in that time, but like you, i just was not into it...
i'm not a prude but i never just slept around either. i am 30 and have only been with 2 ladies in that way...

for me, there has always been more to it...

a fast story and how i knew my wife was 'the one'

it was a week or so into our relationship and we were making out, getting hot and heavy....IT, was about to happen and she stopped me saying it was too soon.
we got ourselves together and just talked.
it's gonns sound insane to most guys but i LOVED the fact that she stopped me.
it showed me what she was about.
she said she was scared that i was gonna drop her for not 'getting any' but when i didn't, it showed her what i was about...

i just thought it was amazing that there was actually a woman out there that wasn't gonna just go for it...



in short, you seem like you actually want substance out of your relationships and there is nothing wrong with that.

more to life than sex anyway.....it's great yeah, but so what......

budski how many relationships have you had since the birth of your kid?

Is there the possibility that you could be victim to, subconciously, an extreme safety measure where you don't wish to have another child?

Do you have a particular Ex who you would lust after?

reply to post by Koka


At least a dozen - not counting one nighters- all pretty short term

I'm also comfortable with contraception, and have no problems in that area - I haven't ruled out having more kids, with the right woman.

I stayed on pretty good terms with ex's, and I don't lust after any of them - after a relationship has finished, I've never gone back, except as a friend.