The "I know how you feel" statement!

There has been plenty of times where i've been into a very serious situation, or something horrible has happened to me. And when i'm drained of the truth, or what had happened, I alway here this response, "I know how you feel"!

Hmmn.. How do you know how I feel when you heven't spent a second in my place, seen rain drops of tears and waves of blood, there is NO WAY! you know how I feel.. I'm tossing the word "you" around generally, reffering to the few incidents i've had with said statement.

Everybody has their own experiences, their own way of dealing with things. Maybe if someone lost a loved one, and someone said "I understand" as opposed to, "I know how you feel", would that make a difference? Well, the person saying that they understand would have lost someone too of course, otherwise making such a statement would be false. I don't know why I get so strung up about little things like this, but I just feel that this particualr topic, is disrespectful? Well, not the topic itself, but the statement! I don't know, am I the only one who sees it this way? I know when people say I know how you feel, they have the best intentions, but is it enough? Does it hurt more than heal?

Madseason, I know how you feel. LOL, just kidding.

Well I don't really have much to say on this topic, but I do think you're overreacting a bit.

As much as I hate to say it, I know how you feel.

Seriously, I think people dont even listen sometimes they just spit out an easy response to try and change the bummer subject.

Nobody really likes to listen to other peoples problems, sometimes they just do it because they are nice people.

As strange as it sounds, my whole life I've been somewhat empathic, but the person has to be sincere and not selfish about what they're going thru. When it's sincere, I feel it to my soul. So when I say it I mean it...

[edit on 8/8/2007 by acegotflows]

I get shivers when people do that. They may have been in a simular situation, but not in my body. :bnghd:

I agree, word it differently. Good rant.
WIS

While I agree... I have to ask you a question... What do you want them to say? Since you feel the way you do, you'd be better off just keeping stuff to yourself. That's what I do...

Originally posted by SpeakerofTruth
While I agree... I have to ask you a question... What do you want them to say?

That's exactly what I want to know. Perhaps they are empathetic people.

Would you rather prefer a response like " It must suck to be you?"

Since you feel the way you do, you'd be better off just keeping stuff to yourself. That's what I do...

Speaker, take my advice, keeping stuff to yourself is not a good idea.

Vent it out man, don't be ashamed.

Such genuine responses in this thread. Ofcourse we know how it feels to be told, "I know how it feels."
In anycase, let's look at the problem.

But let's look at the other side of things for a second.
My whole life I have known that no man can know the weight another bares on their shoulders.
Yet I am guilty of throwing the 'words in question' around. "I know how you feel." In most cases I blatantly knew that I did not; or rather could not, know nor understand the pain of the other in question. Some cases I uttered the phrase without caring, feeling empathy or even sympathising with the other. In other words? It was an outright lie.

So why do people do this? To comfort the other? Perhaps.
Yes, it is true that we may say it to let the other person know that they are not alone in the matter and we are avaliable to console.
But if you look at a more exacting approach to this you will find something alot more sinister. Selfishness.

We are aware that the other is in pain. Although you may not admit or even realize, but deep down, we know that we DO NOT know exactly what they are or have been going through.
Rather than sitting in an uncomfortable silence or speak of which we know little of, we say the phrase. Ironically, we say it to alleviate ourselves from our own guilt which we feel for not being able to connect with the other.

A little personal?
In the outside world, the closer of a friend you are, the less I will claim to "know how you feel."
It doesn't stop there. Infact I have had people outright END a relationship with me. They ended it with me because I cared for them enough to tell them honestly and outright;
"I don't know what's going through your head right now... I'll be with you, but it's something that you will have to learn to sort out and deal with alone."
When people are in a heightened emotive state, they do not think with absolute clarity. The final irony in this post is that relationships were ended because they thought I just didn't care or share concern. Which ofcourse had been the opposite of my intent.


So what's worse?
A lie in which a minimum of one person will feel better...
~or
The truth, in which intentions are undoubtedly misread, resulting in conflict for both parties.


In the end, the phrase "I know how you feel" is meerly a series of words used in an attempt to connect with another. How they perceive these words is a gamble; as with any words that may be spoken during the emotive event.

The only way to avoid saying the statement and NOT be perceived as a bastard as in my case is to be comfortable. Comfortable enough to remain silent. Comfortable enough to be nothing to them but an open ear, and a shoulder should it be needed.


And for the record. No. I, myself am not comfortable enough. Not for anyone, and not with anyone.


~Cheers.

Originally posted by thehumbleone
Speaker, take my advice, keeping stuff to yourself is not a good idea.

Vent it out man, don't be ashamed.

That's probably why I tend to be rageful.

I wouldn't parade my problems around to people. If my brother died, I wouldn't immediately call my buddies up and tell them what happened just to get sympathy. So if they came to see me, and decided to use the words," I know how you feel", they're going to get no response, nothing. Because they haven't felt that pain, and even if they lost a brother, everyone deals with problems differently. Just by him stating I know how you feel, to me atleast, would be taken by a sign of disrespect, but than again, they are only trying to be sympathetic right? But I don't seek sympathy when something like this occurs, I don't want hugs and kisses and i'm sorrys and I know how you feels. I just want to be alone, and want to think alone, and I would also want to cry alone. I'm the type of person who doesn't need anybody to be around when times are down. If things are getting really really bad, occasionally i'll come to a forum(ats) and vent it out a little. And when hate boils my skin from bone, i'll also come to back to rant about random things that "I" find that make me angry. I'm not really a "hateful" person, but when I get pissed I tend to write.

The topic was just on my head that night, simply because i've had it said to me multiple times, and I just realized I seen it as a sign of disrespect, thats tall.:bash: